Thursday, May 28, 2009

It's An Outrage

Archie Andrews, perpetual teen redhead, has made a choice after 60 years of toggling between All American Girl Betty Cooper and Heiress Veronica Lodge.
He chose Veronica. The bitch.
Oh sure, it was just fine to let Betty work on his jalopy and bake cookies for him for six decades, but when it came to putting a ring on that thing, he went where the money was.
I guess the adage is true: men fool around with blondes but marry brunettes.
Will he and Veronica live happily ever after?
I doubt it.
He won't be able to provide her with the luxuries she's accustomed to, and if her daddy foots the bill for a lavish lifestyle, how long will it be before Archie loses his confidence and falls victim to erectile dysfunction?
And Betty, whose Blog tells of her heartbroken state, is still so in love with the red-crested cad, if he turns to her for sexual healing, what's to stop her from letting him have his way with her? Nothing.
I really think it's a travesty.
Anyone with half a brain and a quarter of a heart knows that Veronica should have married Reggie. They're exactly alike. They're soulless soul mates.
And come on, Archie and Betty are two average American kids. They fit together like a hot dog and a bun. She's cute, eager to please and sincere. How could he choose that awful, high maintenance society snob? How could he?!
This just confirms what I've thought since I was 10.
Archie is an idiot who deserves what's coming to him.


nonnie9999 said...

glad you picked this topic, because i want to go on the record. i think there will be a twist. archie was rehearsing with veronica for his real proposal to betty. look at the cover. who gets engaged in a jewelry store? veronica was helping archie pick out a ring, and her enthusiastic yes was her answer to archie's asking if she thinks betty will like it. if i'm wrong, then i hope veronica gives archie the herpes she caught from the stranger she boinked in the ladies room at the malt shop.

Karen Zipdrive said...

You know what, Nonnie? I think you pretty much nailed it.
With America's penchant for nice girls who double as doormats (Jennifer Anniston) and its seething hatred for brunette, rich, beautiful girls who steal our men (Angelina Jolie) there's no way the Archie people will end the story here.
Here's my (latest) take on it:
They will play out the plotline all summer, then Archie will pull a "Bachelor" and dump Veronica.
Yep, I think they will steal the plot of last season's "The Bachelor" and run with it.
Makes me wonder if they'll have any of the cast turn gay and want marriages of their own?
I've always been a little suspicious of Jughead AND Moose.
Ever see either of them with a girl?

nonnie9999 said...

moose has been going out with midge for years, but jughead--well, he does have head as part of his name. and don't even get me started on the never-married miss grundy!

the archie comic books went fundie some years ago. i was shocked when i took one off the rack and leafed through it. i don't know if that's still the case or not. if so, i suppose all the characters will have to remain wholesome and boring.

FranIAm said...

I agree - Nonnie gets it right. I just think that in this day and age they should just forego the formalities and live together.

Or... maybe Betty and Veronica should give it a go? It could make Veronica distinctly less bitchy.

KarenZipdrive said...

I don't think they could live together because Mr. Lodge would have a fit. I doubt Veronica would do anything to threaten her allowance or inheritance.
As for Betty and Veronica hopping on the lesbo train, trust me on this, women like Veronica stay bitchy no matter how good the sex was.

Distributorcap said...

sorry folks. archie has been secretly seeing richie rich. money talks. all the time. why do you think ted olson is taking up the gay marriage thing?

Lulu Maude said...

i just learned that archie was still around the other day. had no idea that anyone could still be interested in these aged kiddos.

believe me--if archie is still the archie i knew years ago (and it sounds as if he hasn't changed much) he is much too young to marry either of these goils.

when he is 80 he will still be too young.

are they going to show archie and whoever in married life--reproducing their Own Kind, or is this curtains for the strip?

my mind reels. okay. back to my hobbit hole.

dguzman said...

Archie is just a drama-chaser. He knew that Betty would keep him happy but that Veronica would feed his need for angst and upheaval. Why do you think he drives jalopies? He likes his life with a side of drama.

Lisa said...

He'll be trying to get online sex chat from Betty while he's still on his honeymoon with Veronica. I know the type.

Anonymous said...

Betty was better off with Dilton anyway. Sixty years is plenty of time for Dilton. the genius in the Archie comic strip, to assemble and amass his empire, with wealth that would make Veronica Lodge's dad jealous.

Betty, far from being the Dumb Blonde who had to settle for that scrub Regie Mantel, can come out of this thing as the WINNER!!!

Fran said...

Betty & Veronica hook up & launch a major Equal Rights Lawsuit against the State of California and the Federal Gvmnt.

Karen Zipdrive said...

Anon, I forgot about Dilton. By now he's changed his name to Bill Gates.

bigsis said...

Archie must have realized that blondes don't age well, assuming Betty is a natural blonde. Unless he thinks he can get Veronica's father to pay him some big bucks to stay away from his daughter. In any case, Veronica is getting a little long in the tooth and Archie is a sure thing.

Anonymous said...

Wait till Jughead comes out with his steamy tales of Archie and A Rod injecting each other in the Yankess dressing room -- with steroids you effing perverts.

HelenWheels said...

My sisters and I pored over a waist-high stack of ARchie digests for our entire childhoods. I think nonnie is right, it's a set-up. KZD, nail on the head: BEtty & Archie were meant for each other.

I guess I haven't read them since they went fundie. Wish I had kept old digests........ :(

I loved Jughead!! He was the funniest one. And Veronica and Reggie would totally be a perfect couple. Could never see why Midge could stand Moose but there ya go. Midge and Archie actually went out a few times if memory serves.

I didn't get a gay vibe from Jughead .. however, what teenage male can't stand girls?!?!