THE CAPRICORN LESBIAN

To kill a Capricorn, lay out an assortment of narcotic prescription drugs, some psychedelic mushrooms, peyote buttons, ecstasy, a few tabs of acid, a kilo of good pot, a case of wine, a few cheesecakes, and maybe a keg of beer. Think Elvis. Think Janis Joplin. You get the Capricornian picture.
Prone to excess, Capricorns work hard and play harder.
These elder Earth signs are like mountain goats who can stand all day and night on a steep mountain side without showing fatigue.
The Capricorn lesbian is sly.
She's sexy without trying, but first she has to relax, stop fretting about minutia, put down the broom or mop or pencil and focus.
She moves at her own pace, which is often slow and deliberate. Don't rush her. Well, you can try to rush her if you want, but she won't go any faster than she's going.
She is often clever and glib, dropping one liners with a deadpan expression. She can walk in a room and size up everyone in it with a few, well chosen, hilarious adjectives.
She likes money. She might scrimp or squander her money, but it's hers and what she does with it is her business, and she'll not hesitate to tell you so.
A Capricorn might take forever to fall in love, but once she does she is in up to her eyebrows and nothing her lover does can dissuade her devotion. Even after a nasty breakup, the Capricorn will mourn the loss far longer than average.
When hurt, she sulks, ruminates and stews.
When happy, she radiates joy and expects others to feel the same level of joy with her.
She's eccentric. Her space is often crammed with objects she collects.
I have seen Capricorn lesbians collect porcelain, old laboratory beakers and test tubes, beer steins, spoons, clothes, shoes, chicken statues, CDs, old 45 records, bird houses, rocks, dried flowers, movie star photos, pens and pencils, wine labels, Beanie Babies, pottery, jewelry, religious kitsch, you name it.
When a Capricorn lesbian comes to call, she'll bring in a bag or backpack, filled with goodies. They are very sweet about sharing trinkets with their friends and lovers.
Capricorn lesbians are very good women. They are sexually accommodating and passionate lovers. If you have nice breasts, Capricorn will appreciate them like no other.
But they have their dark sides.
When they get into a brooding mode, they are set in concrete. They can freeze you with a stare, then clam up for days on end. They can also hold a grudge far longer than necessary.
To seduce a Capricorn, they have to respect and admire you. They have to feel you a just a tad better than they are, at least in some area. Feed them, flatter them and rub their stiff shoulders. When you feel them start to thaw, pounce. They are earthy, they can take it.
To dump a Capricorn, embarrass her in public. Complain about how much time she spends at work. Engulf her with phone calls, pages, e-mail and unexpected visits. Pay someone to smash a pie in her face at her workplace.
That voodoo doll you find on your front porch will be from her.