Monday, August 04, 2003

Zipdrive Goes to the Movies
(only she didn't actually see this one)

Now, I am not a Hollywood film mogul but I can say with some certainty that naming a movie something nobody can pronounce is a bad idea.
Gigli? Giggly? Geegly? Yigly?
What the fuc--yo, fogeddabouddit!
Okay, now I like Ben Affleck. His role in "Chasing Amy" made me actually root for the straight guy to get the gay girl in a lesbian movie, and that's saying something!
But Ben, honey, all right already! One lesbian conquest is enough in a guy's film career.
As for JLo, well hell, she put San Antonio and Selena on the map with that movie.
Her ass has just about set the standard for superior assitude. She's just fine is what she is.
But JLo as a lesbian enforcer? What?
Don't those Hollywood moguls know that JLo is one of the only women in the history of Hollywood that we gossipy lesbians DON'T speculate is a secret lesbo?
She is pure hetero!
I mean, she dated P Puffy Diddy Combs, for God's sake! No lesbian is gonna get near her spicy love taco after something like that!
Okay, and another thing.
Ben is a handsome guy. Don't be fucking up his hair with a big Pompadour job like that. We don't want to see that.
And don't be casting him as a dumb, thuggish wanna be. We know he's a smart, New Englander kind of preppy guy, and we don't believe he can be a dumb Jersey guy.
And the mob doesn't have girl enforcers, and especially not dyke girl enforcers who don't even look like dykes. Come on, you saw the Godfather movies, Wiseguys and Married to the Mob, did you see even one lesbian in any of them? No! Does Tony Soprano have any lesbians on his payroll? I think not.
For God's sake, people.
There's only one way I'll see Gigli.
It'd have to be at 3 am on HBO when the only other shows on cable are infomercials or religious broadcasts. I'll have to be in an altered state, passed out on the couch, and the batteries in the clicker will have to be dead.
Hey Melly! Wanna come watch it with me?

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