Friday, March 26, 2004

If I Can't Beat 'Em, I'll Join 'Em

What the hell, business is slow for me and I'm a paid PR flak and corporate journalist, so I may as well start writing ads for the Bush campaign. I mean, I've memorized the style, his ad people don't have to actually believe the ad copy they write, so why not play like a Republican, ignore my own principles and make some extra money for myself?

Ad #1:
Bush on Kerry


President Bush:

John Kerry said he got three Purple Hearts and a Silver Star in Vietnam. He claims he was a war hero and he makes a big deal of it like that would make him a better war president.
I make war that has made results. I have proved that.

Kerry with long hair, at a 1970's anti war protest, standing near Jane Fonda.

President Bush:
What John Kerry meant to say he got in the war was three purple farts, which he got from taking too much LSD with his Viet Cong lover, Jane Fonda. And his silver star? He meant to say silver car, which was a foreign car belonging to Jane Fonda, in which he rode around with her going to protests, smoking marijuana joints and planning how to turn the communists they loved into real nice guys with their own TV show in Hollywood, with the homosexuals producing and decorating it.

John Kerry in the Senate Chamber, at the podium

President Bush:

This tax and spend liberal wants to raise your taxes one billion, trillion, gazillion dollars in the first week he's in office so he can use all the money to pay for gay marriages and abortions for teenage welfare prostitutes on crack. You will have to get a extra job to pay all the taxes and there won't be any jobs because Kerry also wants to close businesses that are big. He also wants to make French the official language of America and move the White House to Paris so he can be with other people who look French, with long, foreign faces like him and be closer to his Taliban friends in Al Qaida who told him they want him as president, along with other evil dictators who told him that, too.

And he wants to make crack free and legal so childrens and gay prostitutes can smoke it while they solicit his White House cabinet members for prostitute sex, on company time, like my predecessor who did the same thing, only with a young Jewish intern, only she was a female. And the childrens on drugs won't want school to go to.

President Bush, standing at a replica of the wreckage of the World Trade Center, flanked by firefighters, holding a small American flag with soot on the edge of it.

President Bush:
When 9/11 happened, I hopped on Air Force One and raced to the West Coast in case the Terrorists were trying to fly planes into anything out there. I piloted the plane myself so I could ram into terrorists if I saw any. And I would of.
And, I felt bad for a long time after that, too. For me, 9/12, 9/13, 9/14 and 9/15 were bad too because I kept remembering the past thing, that 9/11 thing happened. And it was really bad for me the whole week as president, and for some people who lost their lifes there, too.

Then Jesus spoke to me and told me Saddam Hussein was behind the attacks so I went and got him and we are safer now that ever before in the history of the world, much less the United States which was, I believe, was here first.

But there is more to do to protect you and I am the one who has already done that, a lot.

When I see a fireman or a policeman nowadays, I still get a shiver on my pants from their bravery. And I tell them, no matter what state they served in on 9/11, I tell them they really were brave at the World Trade Center, and my administration plans to give them all a lot of extra encouragement with words all the time, if necessary. And prayers.

And John Kerry? He said firemen were lazy, dirty and smelled like smoke and he said the only smoke he likes the smell of his the marijuana smoke he and Jane Fonda like to smell in her foreign silver car. When he's not with his real rich wife, that is, and he probably only married her for all the free Heinz 57 sauce she can get for him to pour on his fancy French foods he loves to eat with his fancy liberal Massachusetts friends like Ted Kennedy and Michael Dukakis at dinners where they talk about gay weddings they went to and enjoyed a real lot.

So vote for me and let's keep being protected by me because I already showed you what I and my people in my cabinet members can do to this country, we join you in loving and protecting a real lot, no matter what it costs you.

President Bush:
I'm George W. Bush and I approve this message.

TV: 30

American flag blowing in the wind, slo mo FX, President Bush superimposed over flag.
"Battle Hymn of the Republic," instrumental version, medium tempo

President Bush:
The last few years has tested Americans in several, many ways.
Some challenges it has seen before them, in the past.
And some were like no others, except even worser.
But America has arose to the challenge and I removed Saddam Hussein from Iran, where terrorism got its start, and I put a end to it.

What sees us through tough times?
Freedom, faith, families, and sacrifice.

I am asking you for four more years of sacrifice.
As long as there are still trees, still clean water, still undrilled wilderness, still jobs to send abroad to save employers money so they can hire more good jobs like I already made a lot of, as long as a puppy is cuddly, as long as little sick kids are sad, as long as old people need safe, American prescriptions, as long as people can still afford gas and still have the sacred sanctity of man/woman marriage as the Bible tells us long as after-war dodgers want to turn America into a liberal, homosexual place with more taxes than before ever in the history of the whole wide long as there's still deficits in the bank to pay for our freedom initiatives...

Jesus, holding Bush in the same pose as Mary held Jesus in "the Pieta"

President Bush:
As long as Jesus tells me to stayed on the course...
I have much more works to do.
I need you to do it with... and to.

President Bush:
I'm George W. Bush and I approve this message.

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