Thursday, March 25, 2004

Snoop Bloggy Blog

Seems to me, the Bush administration is sufficiently disintegrating without my help this week, so I think it's time for a Blog that hits on a potpourri of things going on in the world, in the media and around my house.

-James, my cat, is experiencing his second kittenhood. This 15-pound puma of a cat has recently become very easily alarmed, resulting in a mess of livid, red scratches on my arms and legs from his sudden fright flights. The other day, I was rubbing his soft, white belly fuzz and accidentally grazed my wristwatch over my bedroom wall. The sound of it sent him into a panic, and he used my flesh for traction as he sped away from the traumatic event. Other than clipping his claws short, I know not how to handle this stage. He'll be 3 in August. Do they make kitty Xanax?
-Eclair and I are attending a party in Austin this Saturday, hosted by my friend Cynthia, the Texas lesbian equivalent of Richie Rich. The theme is Women in Texas History, and everyone is going as a famous Texas woman. I'm going as Molly Ivins and Eclair is going as Liz Smith. That means we can blurt out pretty near anything we want at the party, then blame it on the pundits we're impersonating.
-Has anyone noticed how high gas prices are? Did anyone join me in secretly thinking the Iraq war's only sunny spot was the prospect of getting dirt cheap gas? Jeeze, the Bush clan even fucked THAT up.
-Exercise guru Richard Simmons, 55, recently slapped a big guy at the Phoenix airport for saying, "Hey everybody, it's Richard Simmons! Let's drop our bags and rock to the 50's." Gosh, that doesn't seem like enough to make Richard want to slap the guy. Maybe he's having menopause symptoms. Richard- get some Premarin, sister.
-Color TV has turned 50. My rich neighbors had a color TV back in 1957 when I was 4. Back then, a color TV with a 12" screen cost $1,000, or around $8,000 in today's dollars. I used to toddle across the street and watch anything that was on with the old couple. Turns out, he was a transvestite and she was a Beatrice Arthur type. No wonder they liked me, I was like the little queer child they never had. My family finally got our color TV in the 60's when I was about 11. The first show we watched on it was "Batman." My stock with the neighborhood kids went up about 50 points from then on.
-Counterterrorism Czar Richard Clarke, predictably, has been catching hell from the White House. Hoping to appeal to younger voters, Condie Rice is planning to cut a music video, where she'll remix the classic, "Who Let the Dogs Out?" She'll be dressing as a Rottweiler, while White House Press Secretary Fifi Mc Clellan is backing her rap up, dressed as a teacup Poodle called "Doro." The video's director originally wanted to portray Clarke as a cat cornered up a tree, but with Bush environmental policies, he couldn't locate a tree large enough to sustain the weight of a cat.
-Perennial scofflaw Bobby Brown (aka Mr. Whitney Houston) was sentenced on Wednesday to jail in Boston, for failure to pay child support to Whitney, from whom he's been separated since he beat her up in December. He's behind $60,000 for their two kids. Two kids? I thought they just had that one little girl, who unfortunately favors her slack-jawed father.
-My entertainment dreams will be coming true in September. Perched on my refrigerator door are two prime tickets to see Annie Lennox and some other act called "Sting." I had my first stalker dream last night where, as I dogged the rim of the stage, Annie looked down at me soulfully and said into the microphone, "Ladies and gentlemen, I now see the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with." In the dream, Eclair had to hitch a ride home with Anna and Brad because I needed my car to drive off into the sunset with Annie. Sorry, baby, Annie owns my heart and she's been subletting it to you. I guess I should have told you that coming in.
-Is anyone watching the Jayson Williams trial on Court TV? The former NBA superstar killed a limo driver with a close range shotgun blast while he was giving a bunch of Harlem Globetrotters and other hangers-on a drunken tour of his mansion. He's admitted he did it, at issue in the trial is whether he did it with malice or just plain stupidity. I vote both.
-Howard Stern has finally stopped perseverating on boobs and now has focused on bitching about Bush, who has the FCC Director, Colin Powell's son Michael, in his back pocket, snuggled next to his Oral Roberts prayer cards and ZigZag papers. I am not a huge Stern fan because I find his obsessive sexual immaturity creepy as hell, but he's popular with the young, male jerk-off set, so I am all for his change of focus. Go get 'im, Howard.
-Snoop Dog has a recurring role on "The L Word," playing a music empresario/pimp called Slim Daddy. His character apparently exists to eye the lesbos up and down and make little horny remarks. He's really funny in the role. I just love that skanky thug. Looks like Bette will soon be getting a little on the side with a cute carpenter chick from Venice now that her "wife" Tina has lost the baby. Jenny and Dana met at my old stomping grounds, the Palms in West Hollywood, and went back to Jenny's place to have sex. Their sex scene was a classic mismatch. Been there, done that. Meanwhile, Marina's lover Francesca (played by the terminally creepy Lolita Davidovich) has turned out to be a real seahag, leaving Marina acting out in some childishly petulant ways. Shane is now doing a married woman played by Rosanna Arquette, whose lesbian catnip daughter wants Shane really bad. Shane, didn't you learn anything from that Toto song, "Rosanna"? Up next is the cast trip to Lesbian Mecca, aka the Dinah Shore Golf Classic in Palm Springs. Midol, anyone?

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