My PR Job With the Bush Campaign, continued
Today's assignment was creating catchy slogans and writing "ad libbed" talking points for President Bush.
Here's what I came up with:
1. No new taxes, more tax cuts!
As long as we have plenty of reserve in the treasury, there's no need to tax the people, we can just withdraw what we need from our reserve deficits account!
2. A pessimist focuses only on results.
"Optimists for Bush" know the importance of good intentions, and nobody can deny The President's intentions have been the best.
3. Outsourcing U.S. jobs to foreign countries means giving away bad jobs Americans don't want! When the bad jobs are gone, everyone can get a job he really likes!
4. If Kerry wants to raise taxes by $900 billion in his first 100 days as president, what's to stop him from raising them 900 trillion, or $900 zillion?
His "Runaway Tax Machine" needs to stay unplugged!
5. The Patriot Act: if you have nothing to hide, what's the objection?
6. By keeping prescription costs at their current rate, pharmaceutical companies can afford to do more research. More research might soon get rid of all illnesses! Not needing to buy any medicine is the most affordable prescription option there is!
7. Let's not treat the United Nations like a noncustodial parent in a broken home.
America is not a broken home!
Let's treat the UN like what it is--a baby-sitter that helps out when the kids get bratty and mother and dad need a breather.
8. "Serving Your Nation Builds Character!"
War cuts down on teenage gang members. When misguided youth are occupied at war in a terrorist country, it's pretty hard to tag their local shopping malls or do drive-by shootings all the way from the Middle East. By "Serving Your Nation's Gang" misguided youth get hip new "gang" uniforms and legal access to firearms-weapons they use for good, not for evil.
(Possible ad idea:)
An urban (i.e., "ethnic") kid standing at attention in a sharp, Marine dress uniform, holding a rifle, affixed with a shiny bayonet.
"Yo, dog, I joined the red while and blue gang."
"Serving Your Nation's Gang" It's the shizz!"
9. What do Americans want foreigners to see? A disgruntled veteran who didn't want to be in his uniform, or a President who looks sensational in a flight suit? Optimists for Bush know the truth: a picture's worth a thousand whining, liberal, terrorist sympathizers.
10. Optimists for Bush say, "If The President was such a bad guy, why does he have more than $100 million in campaign donations?"
"Bush: the POPULAR choice."
11. Dick Clarke: American Bandstand was canceled. Bandstanding to the American people is even worse.
12. G-O-P is closer to G-O-D. Coincidence? In America's 227-year history, we know which party has been closer to Our Savior. Let GOD stay with the GOP!
13. If America is the world's melting pot, why all this liberal squawk about diversity?
Diversity creates a sad divide in our nation. The more we are alike, the more we like one another. "Let's get on the same page, America!"
14. From a humble bush grows a mighty tree.
"Bush. Even his name says environmental growth."
15. Why criticize the Bush Cabinet? Who better to run the business of government than a cabinet full of millionaire businessmen who KNOW how to make decisions that make money grow?
"For a rich America, let the rich guys run it."
16. American arrogance? It's not arrogant if you can back it up with enough fire power to blow up the entire planet. "America rules...because WE RULE!