Wednesday, March 24, 2004

Survivor UPDATE

Remember folks, the NCAA Basketball thing is still going on, so Survivor is on again tonight instead of tomorrow night. With the University of Kentucky (my best friend Anna's alma mater) out of the mix, please all join us in Anna's annual NCAA cheer: "Anyone but Duke."

Anyway, tonight may be a midseason recap or it could be a merger, but I'm thinking it'll be the former, so I won't make any picks for tonight.
What I will do is recap last week's episode and give my take on what's what.
Ethan was booted out of the depressing, desolate NoMoFaggo tribe last week, in a dastardly move orchestrated by Lex Luthor.
Lex, despite his very cool calligraphied "EZ" written on the card that voted Ethan out, has now fallen into the "Who the hell does he think he is?" category.
Alas, the wimminfolk left in NoMo might be too spent to have the rationale to ask that question.
With Ethan gone, that leaves the pathetic, chronically rainsoaked NoMo tribe with Kathy the wannabe defector, Shii Ann of the eternally rolled eyes, Jerri the scowling Zen goddess who's still vaginally moist from outlasting Colby, and Lex, who started this series out sort of cool and is once again turning into a guy so into control, when he talks you can see the whites all around his eyes and a big neck vein popping up.
Those four put together equal maybe one Rupert, but without his je ne sais quoi.
More like je ne sais squat for this crowd of loosahs.
Their camp looks like the Amish did the set design for an Ingmar Bergman beach movie. That gray, bleak, desolate, sparse, broken, sad little camp began with the shelter that Rupert used a subterranean sandhole design to construct.
And those were their salad days.
When Jenna from the challenge-winning ChapMyAss tribe came over to filch three things from NoMo, she took the bulk of their rice, their Hawaiian sling (aka fishing spear) and their grill. Her visit left their camp make Biafra look like a Club Med.
You gotta hand it to Jenna though, she did have the basic home training to bring to the looting a hostess gift bag, consisting of a roll of TP, a bar of soap, a single toothbrush and, what every starving camp needs, a clothing brush. I'm starting to like Jenna. She has a cute sense of irony, and the clothing brush was an especially nice touch.
Meanwhile back at ChapMyAss, Rob was strutting around like most of us do after a night of sexual exploration with a hot babe.
I loved how he waxed poetic about his new love, "Amba."
He said, "She's sweet, she's beautiful, she's funny, she has a great personality..." then (what every parent loves to hear) he added, "and, oh yeah, her ass is smokin,' too."
All puffed up, Rob slyly observed Rupert salivating over the prongs of the newly acquired Hawaiian sling and hatched his plan to try some spear fishing, too.
"Rupert looks like Grizzly Adams, but he thinks he's Aquaman," Rob said, out of the corner of his mouth.
Soon Rupert emerged from the sea with a brimming bag of little perch-y looking fish. He looked again like the old, expansive, pre-parasitic intestinal Rupert from the Pearl Islands. Our hearts filled with hope!
His pride soon was dashed when Rob emerged from the same sea shortly after, with a bigger array of larger perch-y looking fish.
Rob said, "Rupert's stock as a provida just dropped about 20 points."
Rupert winced for the camera and said, "Rob can be a good guy but he can also be a real asshole."
Despite the clash, ChapMyAss tribe in pretty good shape.
They have two Alpha dog spearfishers that ensure their people more fish than a Baptist church fundraiser. They have shelter that actually looks like it has some function. They have extra rice and a new grill.
And they have Rupert, Rob, Tom, Amber, Jenna and Alicia- whose ass, if you ask me, is smokin' far more than Amba's.
So it's six against four, and the four are hungry and beat half to hell.
Previews hint that some switcharoo will separate Amber from her beloved Rob.
Boo hoo hoo.
The producers of Survivor better do something quick, before someone in Tribe NoMoFaggo starts handing out the grape Koolade.

Okay, I said I wouldn't pick but I better hedge my bets.
NoMoFaggos stand to dump Jerri. ChapMyAss?
Alicia has no firm allies, except for her thighs, ass, arms ...and me.

What say you?

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