Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Other Laws Bush Can Enact

Since Bush has spread democracy all over the Middle East and caused flowers and sweets to rain down upon all the Islamic peoples in spite of their non-Christian souls ending up in hell after all, I am predicting what new laws he'll create:

• No more HBO or Showtime cussing unless subscribers pay the GOP a special sin fee of $5,000 per household per year. Nudity will cost an extra $5,000. Gay nudity: $100,000 a year.
• No more condoms manufactured or sold in America. If people want to fornicate without benefit of marriage, they should have to face the consequences of creating precious life or catching AIDS. That'll teach 'em.
• Three strikes and you're dead. No more mandatory prison sentences for thrice convicted felons, now you commit that third crime and you face execution. You had two chances.
• Confess or else. If you trust in democracy, you must trust in the authority that protects it.
If you are arrested and don't admit you committed the crime, it's okay for the police to use any means to get you to 'fess up because they must be trusted to arrest only guilty people.
• God's children first. No more hate crimes laws to protect perverts, gimps or Godless sinners. If you are an Islamic queer, limping down the street and offending Christians with your disgusting choices, don't whine if you get your ass kicked, you faggot camel humper.
• No more welfare checks. Get off your lazy ass and work. If you are handicapped, such as legless or armless, the government will issue you one (1) lazy susan you can sit on so you can sell Chicklets to passersby on the sidewalk. You can beg for the money to buy Chicklets, they are cheap enough.
• No more AIDS research funding or Medicare. You get AIDS from having nasty sex and using illegal drugs. It's your fault, you figure out what to do about it.
• Baseball will be mandatory for all boys in all schools. It builds character. Girls can take classes in home economics, as long as their fathers pay for their little aprons and such.
• No more political arguing on TV. We won, get over it. We have a mandate which gave us political capital and we will spend it any goddamned way we want. We are called leaders because we lead and you follow. It's very simple, and if you went to Yale like Bush did on a legacy admission, you'd get it, you big stupid.
• No more voting machines on election day. We know you want us in office protecting you, let's not pretend you don't.
• Rockets to Mars funding. All Americans must donate 75¢ per day to fund a rockets to Mars program. Rockets are cool and God wants us to be on Mars first.
• No more presidential term limits. Bush will leave when he's done. Stop being whiny about it, cry baby. Bush knows what's good for all of us because he takes his marching orders from his boss, Jesus H. Christ.

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