I Love My Big Bro
Simple relationships are such a joy.
My big brother Billy is 10 years older than me, but he's stayed slim and active so he seems much younger. He's retired but he fills his time as a freelance hydrologist, whatever that is.
Here's our telephone conversation today.
B: I'm bored.
KZ: How come?
B: I had a job but I couldn't find it so I came home.
KZ: Why don't you watch TV?
B: No way, because I'll be sitting here doing it all day.
KZ: Why don't you go outside and water your plants?
B: It's raining.
B: What are you doing?
KZ: Nuthin'. I just woke up. I got drunk last night at dinner with Middle Sis and Big T.
B: You got drunk? What did you have?
KZ: A giant Bombay Sapphire martini and my share of two bottles of wine.
B: Did you act crazy?
KZ: Not really, I did a little table hopping at the restaurant and spilled hot fudge all down my shirt. And they wouldn't let me drive home.
B: Table hopping?
KZ: Yeah, there was this couple at the next table and I sat down and asked if they were married or on a date. They were real nice. Married, with two kids. The youngest one has some kind of mental illness.
B: They told you all that?
KZ: Uh huh.
B: How'd you spill all that fudge on your shirt?
KZ: Not sure. I didn't notice it until I got to their house.
B: You stayed there overnight?
KZ: No, I had a little nap, then I woke up and looked for their kitty Booboo to sleep with me, and when I couldn't find her I drove home.
B: I wonder where she was?
KZ: I think she was hiding from me because she doesn't like wine fumes.
B: Did you just wake up?
KZ: Yeah. I haven't had coffee yet. I had to buy a new coffeemaker and it was a cheap one and it has no automatic turn-off switch, so the first time I used it, it stayed all all day and night and I ended up with coffee jerky in the bottom of the pot.
B: It should turn off on its own if the element gets too hot.
KZ: I guess it didn't get that hot.
B: Did you save the jerky so you can reconstitute it later?
KZ: God no! How gross would that be? Besides, I have at least five different kinds of coffee people gave me or I bought on sale.
B: Why do you have so much?
KZ: I dunno, it just started piling up.
B: Did I tell you that the wife bought a new car?
KZ: She bought a new car last year--now she has a new new car?
B: It's new to her, but it's a 1984 VW Rabbit.
KZ: What? How many miles does it have on it?
B: Oh, a hundred and seventy-six thousand. And it's really cool, it's diesel and stick shift and gets 57 miles per gallon.
KZ: Jeeze, and it's not beat up?
B: Nope, it's in great shape.
KZ: What color is it?
B: Babyshit yellow.
B: She's gonna get it repainted, though.
KZ: What color?
B: Babyshit yellow.
B: Okay, I gotta go now.
KZ: Okay, see you next weekend at my birthday party.
B: You're milking this birthday for all it's worth, aren't you?
KZ: I am.
B: Okay, see ya.
KZ: Bye bye.