Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Texas Secession? Idiots Abound.

Yesterday I was having lunch by myself at a little taco joint near my house.
Two good old boys and a chick came in and sat down at the next table. Presumably they worked together in some blue collar trade.
The largest one had his back to me, but with his shirt festooned with trout, his baggy shorts and walrus mustache, I was alerted to his potential redneck status.
Sure enough, he was a loud talker and his chosen topic was the viability of Texas seceding from the nation.
"Yeah, the first thing we'd do is get rid of the unions," he bellowed.
"Then we'd get rid of welfare and all the govermint giveaways."
He went on a few minutes more, and I began to scowl and grit my teeth.
By the time I finished my lunch, I figured since he was talking loud enough for the whole place to hear him, it would be okay for me to voice my opinion on the way out the door.
I revved up my best redneck drawl, strolled over, smiled real big and leaned over their table.
"Hey, I hate to interrupt but I was fascinated with your talk of succession."
"Yeah? Are you for it?" The walrus asked.
"Well, I'm a proud American who supports the troops," I replied. "Do y'all support the troops?" I asked.
They all nodded yes.
So I put my hand on the walrus's shoulder and said, "I tell ya what, buddy, if we're gonna secede, we're gonna need a military- both a Army and a Navy to protect us from the enemy in the Upper 48 who'll want to grab our oil and gas.
"And we're gonna lose all our federal civil service jobs and the U.S. will close all their military bases and veterans hospitals, so we'll lose maybe a million jobs right there.
"Then we're gonna need some people to maintain the Interstate highways because the Feds won't have to do it anymore- we'll have to be our own Feds.
"And we better plan on financing colleges our own selves because the Feds won't be givin' us no more financial aid or Pell grants or nuthin.'
"And the old folks, they'll want us to give 'em some kinda social security because they awready paid fer it.
"And we're gonna have to fund a post office, and set up an IRS and we're gonna need our own FBI and CIA and State Department to fight all these gol'dern terrorists and pertect the Meskin' border."

Then I dropped the heavy Texas drawl and looked the walrus in the eye.

"But you know what? I love America and I think talk of secession is tantamount to treason.
"Clearly, secessionists like you have failed to anticipate the logistical nightmare of such a stupid plan.
"Besides, if you'd read up on it a bit, you'd find the Texas Constitution says absolutely nothing about reserving the right to secede, so Rick Perry was totally full of it when he suggested it.
"Anyway, God Bless America, and y'all have a great day."

I scampered out before the walrus had a chance to think of a response.

Stupid fucking redneck slob. I hope I made him cough up his chimichangas all over his ridiculous fishin' shirt.


bigsis said...

I'd be afraid those crazies would follow me and gun me down in the parking lot. They probably discussed the virtues of euthanizing the elderly after you walked out.

Karen Zipdrive said...

Hey, I was much younger than the walrus, and you know me, I charmed them before I threw down.

7 years younger than you

nonnie9999 said...

i wanna go out to lunch with you!

FranIAm said...

You show'd 'em that ur Amerkan and you show'd 'em real good!

Upper 48- ahahahahahah!

Karen Zipdrive said...

Nonnie, right back atcha!
FranIAm, it was like shooting fish in a barrel...with an assault rifle.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

You tell 'em sister!

Iain said...

Go Karen!...carefully, please. Much, much braver than me!

Karen Zipdrive said...

Nah, it was about 1 p.m. and they weren't drinking.

Anonymous said...

Applauds the KZ improv..... well done.... wish there was film footage to enjoy again & again.


Anonymous said...

If anyone could do it, Texas could. Rick Perry wouldn't have brought it up if he didn't think a significant percent of Texans are openly or secretly enamored of the idea. He's right of course. Is it a good idea is another question...

dguzman said...

It's times like this that I'm so glad I left Texas. Secede? Gimme a break. The fact that asshole Mr. Hairdo would even SAY the word "secede" tells me all I need to know about him: he's even MORE stupid than Chimpy.

Lulu Maude said...

Hilarious. You're so fast on your feet.

Karen Zipdrive said...

Secession for Texas would require Herculean leadership, and our GOP state government couldn't lead their way to a men's room circle jerk...though Perry would love to try.

Jess Wundrun said...

Maybe we could have a trial seperation?

Distributorcap said...

why do you hate america so much?

HelenWheels said...

Ha ha ha ha ha!! I second nonnie, I wanna have lunch with y'all. Thanks for edumacatin' yet another redneck loudmouth, and for the laugh.