Saturday, August 22, 2009

More Hidden Threats in HCR Bill

I'm a little worried.
First, the right-wing discovered death panels hidden within the bill, but now I've taken a look at it and found even more areas of concern.

1. Women with hysterectomies will have new uteruses installed so they can get pregnant, only to have the State abort the fetus in late term.
2. Illegal immigrants will be given priority at doctors' offices. No appointments needed.
3. Smokers must stop. Those who violate the law will have their dominant hands amputated on the first offense. The other hand will be amputated on the second offense.
3. Abortions are free for all ages. Teens getting abortions register to win free iPods, cell phones and plasma screen TVs.
4. Heroin will be provided to anyone who requests it.
5. Anyone over age 60 will receive a free Hover 'Round scooter.
6. Registered Democrats receive free cosmetic surgery, Botox and liposuction.
7. If a death panel determines a person is unfit to live, the person will be visited by death squads and shot to death. Survivors will be charged for body disposal.
8. All registered Republicans' income will be taxed at 50 percent. Those earning more than $100,000 will be taxed at 90 percent.
9. Democrats will receive a tax reduction: none will pay more than 8 percent of their income.
10. All school children will receive free healthy lunches, catered by Cordon Bleu trained chefs, all from France.
11. Politicians who opposed Obama's bill will have swastikas tattooed on their foreheads.
12. Hostess Twinkies, cupcakes, Dingdongs and fried pies all will contain vaccines for polio, whooping cough, swine flu and head lice.
13. Nurses with more than 10 years experience will be given M.D. degrees, and all the rights conferred upon physicians.
14. Household pets will receive free health care for life, including cosmetic surgery and obedience training.
15. Patients diagnosed with depression will receive free, bi-monthly trips to Hawaii, Disneyland or Paris.
16. Hypochondriacs will be assigned full time, on-call physicians 24/7.
17. Diabetics will receive free blood glucose tests every morning at their home or office, administered by registered nurses.
18. Courtesy CT scans and MRIs will be given at each doctor's appointment.
19. Those who have no transportation to their weekly doctor's appointment will be chauffeured by uniformed drivers in new Chevrolet Volts.
20. All fast food restaurants will be converted to walk-in medical clinics, and with each visit they receive free salad.


Dr. Monkey said...

Sounds good to me.

Anonymous said...

Heck, it might just as well have em. this bill is a disaster at this point. What a mess the Dems have made, all from fear of standing up and being counted. Shame on em all. Mishandled from top to bottom.

bigsis said...

I knew it. Not a damn thing in there about free (high quality) marijuana for anyone complaining of an ache somewhere on their body. Obama is a cheapskate and I won't abide his antics any longer.

nonnie9999 said...

don't forget the free hip replacements whenever you visit the e.r. (thanks to an amendment in the bill placed there by roy blunt).

Fran said...

I'm liking this tax structure, and I'd say more, but really must pack for that trip to Hawaii.

Because I'm feeling a bit blue about all this health care bickering.

If I hear one more idiot ask *What's the hurry*, my head might explode.