The Secret Diary of Pu-Say Hussein
(Saddam's *Unusual* Daughter)
Oh, thank Allah, may his image be cast in flattering light that my evil brothers Uday may his mustache rot off his face in a cold, damp grave and Qusai may his penis convert to a vagina in the afterlife have been killed.
Now I am the oldest remaining "son."
Well, perhaps not a son, per se, but a suitable replacement, thanks Allah whose name must be praised to my Internet connection with an evil empire store called Babes in Toyland from which I recently received a lovely silicone phallus called Woody.
I have been quite busy in the Baghdad palace, which is disguised as a Dunkin' Donuts franchise for the safety of myself and my many, many concubines.
Now that all of the men have been killed or are in hiding may Allah be patted on the back for thinning out these goat-scented beasts, the women of my father and brothers' harems may Allah bless their shapely derrieres and firm breasts have turned to me for gratification of their incessant lustful energies.
Allah be praised for strengthening my tongue muscle so that it is powerful enough to sand the rust off a patio table. I have needed the strength may Allah be grinned at.
I plan not to attend the funeral may Allah be thanked for not making me wear a dress and go but I do intend to frame the photos that Donald Rumsfeld is currently making giant posters of for mass distribution at a place in evil America called Walmart.
I have no sorrow may Allah excuse my blasé attitude for my brothers' deaths ever since as a child I found Uday having forced sex with my kitten Falafel and watched Ousay shoot the kitten afterwards.
Now I must pray to Allah.
Oh Heavenly Allah may your robes be sprinkled with gold dust, please allow me to find the car keys to Uday's 100 exotic automobiles so that I might transport my concubines in style. The 1992 Plymouth Neon given me by my father may Allah spit on his khakis simply does not convey my new status as heiress to the Saddam empire.
A yellow Humvee or perhaps a Mercedes S class might better fit the bill.