Martha Stewart's Open Letter

Dear Friends and Fans,
As you may have heard, the judicial system has trumped up some absurd allegations against me in hopes of bringing my style sense to the New York penal system.
What cell wouldn't be cheered by handmade faux chintz curtains hung on non-threatening paper toweling cores?
Who wouldn't be perked up by Ramen noodle cozies made with bits of colorful magazine pages and adhered with prison issue toothpaste?
Still, my direct presence is not needed to demonstrate these fun and easy projects to the inmates.
What I offer instead is a useful video tape with instructions so that each and every inmate may accomplish her own cell sprucing projects. These tapes can be made available at no cost.
For an additional cost of $79.95 per kit, I will include useful decorating materials such as popsicle sticks, double sticky back tape, pinecones, acorns, autumn leaf stencils, duct tape, Super Glue, chewing gum, paper clips, shiny magazine ads, paper toweling and toilet tissue cores, soda straws, orange peels, peppercorns, coffee grounds, crushed egg shells and bubble wrap.
Just think of the possibilities!

Cell redecorating for mere pennies-it's a good thing!