You have two cows: slightly Zip-updated



DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful so you send one to the Katrina victims.
Oprah has you on her show to applaud your efforts. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So? They can go fuck themselves.

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, BUSH STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new Bush Farm Program, the government sends one to Iraq, buys the other one from you for $100, then hires Halliburton to milk it for $4,000 a day, then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production, but use the money instead to buy weapons to use against Americans.

BIN LADEN/SAUDI ARABIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send video tapes of their mooing.

PRAIRIE CHAPEL RANCH
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.


FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, the Supreme Court tells you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders

BUSH TWIN COWS
You have two cows.
You get drunk on tequila and ride them all over the pasture.
Then you milk them and use the cream to mix with Kahlua.
Then you get drunk again.