Friday, October 03, 2008

The Secret Diary of John McCain

Well, the VP debate is over and thank God that stupid cunt Sarah didn't fuck up too bad. Do I sound pissed off?
Yeah well, she promised if I made her my running mate she'd blow me and so far no blow. I hate cockteasers worse than I hate Gooks.
Anyways, we got the debate Nazis to lower the bar enough for old cornpone pussy to pass muster but that's only because Joe was scared to even look at her or else we'd brand him as a sexist prick.
Hell, Joe's too pussywhipped to be sexist. I bet he's never even had a piece besides Jill, he's so whipped.
Anyhow, besides sweating my balls off over how Moose Breath would do in the debate, we also ran into a snafu with the bailout shit.
The goddamn Democrat pundits started sniffing around deregulation legislation that happened a million years ago and when they tried to pin that shit on me I laid low a while until it passed. Karl told me to say I was "suspending my campaign to work on the rescue plan" and goddamn if people didn't buy that shit.
Then the fucking little jerk billed me for $50,000 for the fucking advice. I had one of my goons pay the prick, but once I'm president he better run for cover because I'm gonna kick him back up Bush's stupid ass.
And speaking of stupid asses, I found out Cindy wore $300,000 worth of rags and diamonds at the convention and I came close to giving her the beatdown she's been asking for. She's goddamn lucky I can't raise my arms or make a fist or she'd actually need a Vicodin RX.
I'll be glad when all this shit is over and I'm president so I can tell the ghosts of my dad and his dad that I won, I'm Commander in Chief and they can go fuck themselves.
Bush told me when he got his second term he called his dad and really rubbed it in- said something like, "Bend over, old man, I got two terms and my wife doesn't look like my fuckin' grandma."
Meanwhile, I've called Sarah in for a meeting tomorrow. I'm gonna just tell her I still have time to drop her white trash ass off the ticket, so she better pucker up and blow me good or else. Fuckin' prick tease, I'll show her who's boss.


nonnie9999 said...

poor karen zipdrive,
you are such a delicate flower, and i have no doubt that it hurt your sensibilities to have to read such crassness. however, as an intrepid reporter, you managed to wade your way through and bring the truth to light. you're an inspiration!
p.s. one of the rags (i think it was the globe) had a headline about cindy lou's being on drugs big time. another (oh wait, i think this one was the globe, the first was another one of the rags) had the front page story of princess sarah fucking around behind the hubby's back, and they had a pic of the guy she was supposedly getting it on with.

Karen Zipdrive said...

Hey, I once sold a story to The Globe and they polygraphed me TWICE before they'd run with it. I also had to talk with their corporate lawyer more than once, and she grilled me like a chunk of mahi mahi.
If they are reporting those stories, you better believe someone passed at least one lie detector test per story.
Besides, how hard is it to believe that Nascissistic Palin fucked around on Todd or that Cindy is popping pills again?
White trash fucks around and if you were sleeping with Walnuts McCain every night, wouldn't you want a lil' something to help you slip into a coma?

nonnie9999 said...

of course, the only way this gets better is if it comes out that princess sarah slipped cindy lou a roofie and took advantage of her!

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

This cracked me up: "cornpone pussy."

Karen Zipdrive said...

Monkey- I lifted that phrase from "Hannibal."
Nonnie, come on, you really think one roofie would fell Cindy Lou?
It'd take a rhino strength tranquilizer gun to fell that junkie.

Lulu Maude said...

Cindy's diary:

John's pissed off about my convention ensemble. I told him that it was my money and I'd buy what I wanted.

You should've seen his dick wither. When we get to the White House, I'm making the Lincoln Bedroom all mine.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious! Can you imagine his inner dialog when he was sitting down with the Des Moines Register Editorial Board? I think he came close to losing it during that interview.

Randal Graves said...

Before Bush escapes to South America, we really need to get a steel cage match between him and McFossil. Get 'em both riled up and let the fists of fury fly.

The Last Angry Man! Only on pay-per-view!

Distributorcap said...

i just cannot stop laughing at the diary and the thread

Bend over, old man, I got two terms and my wife doesn't look like my fuckin' grandma


dguzman said...

Your secret diaries just kill me, man. This is pure bloggy gold.

I also noticed that he was in a GOOD mood that day -- only called Cindy a cunt once or twice.