My Big Fat Ted Wedding

What's with Ted on Survivor? I am so sick of his lumbering around shirtless with that expectant mother belly wobbling all over. Just his head has lost weight, making him look like Zippy the Pinhead. Someone get a hook and drag him out of my line of sight.
Oh and Ted, not to be mean, but your baby is frightening with that junior James Brown face and hair. Sasquatch has nothing on baby girl, bless her furry little heart.
Chari over at Techfluid read my mind and stole all of my more acerbic observations already, but I will continue to gild the lily with new ones.
Jan's ass looks like 4 pounds of sausage in a 20 pound casing. Please, Jan, slip on some jeans or a sarong or something to block that frightening butt.
Penny, you are the daughter of Satan. Night vision exposes the 666 on your head. Please get thee to a nunnery- off the island.
Clay, you put the louse in Louse-iana. You'd have to move up the evolution scale to equal the charm of that pig farmer from last time. Ugh.
Jake. That Texas J.R. Ewing thing is getting old. You made the monkey yawn. Be quiet and for God's sake, put on a shirt. You need a Manzier™ to harness that floppy left breast of yours. It's bigger than mine, fer Chrissakes.
Brian: Grand piano. Beemer. Cadillac. Bimbo wife. That video from home betrayed you, you yuppie scum. You don't need the money.
Helen. Poor Helen with her face carved out of cornbread. Helen with the incongruously lilting voice and horizontal bicuspids. Helen with no husband and some big strapping kids to feed.
Give her the money. She's all we got.