Friday, September 27, 2002

The Test and Afterwards

Nurse: So, you are here for an HIV test?
Me: Uh huh.
Nurse: Have you been tested before?
Me: Yep, last year.
Nurse: What makes you come for another test? Have you done anything risky over the last year that makes you think you've been exposed to HIV?
Me: No, I'm a lesbian.
Nurse: So, no oral sex with your female partner(s)?
Me: Uhh, it always pays to get tested before starting a new relationship, you know? Lesbians can get it, too, you know.
Nurse: Yeah, I know they can. So, no sex with men, bisexuals or IV needle users?
Me: Nope.
Nurse: So, just unprotected oral sex with a woman?
Me: Hey, I like your shoes, are those comfortable?
Nurse: Oh yeah, I really like them.
Me: Well, they look good. I just bought some cool, red shoes. Hey, speaking of which, can I hold that red rubber ball when you tap my blood?
Nurse: Sure you can. It has a smiley face on it, see? Ready to get started?
Me: Absolutely! Uhh, that's a clean needle, right?
Nurse: Yep, just opened it. Want me to open a new one in front of you?
Me: Nah, I just wanted you to see how careful I am.
Nurse: Except for the unprotected oral sex...
Me: Uhh, I got these shoes from Land's End, and they only cost $29.99!

I went to the bookstore afterwards to reward myself for being such a responsible citizen (and doing what The Goddess told me to do).
I needed to find the ultimate vacation book, to read on the beach or front porch of our cozy little inn, while the Goddess fetches me cups of herb tea (as if).
I managed to find not one, but two perfect vacation books.
"The Last Chance Saloon" by Marian Keys, is so funny I started to sample it over lunch at Whole Foods and kept laughing out loud and embarrassing myself.
Then I found Armistead Maupin's newest book, "The Night Listener," which I thumbed through when I got home. As usual with his work, I want to devour this book in one sitting.
I should save the Maupin book for vacation, so I can hand it over to the Goddess when I finish it, but the Keyes book will be the easier, breezier read and I can read to her the funny parts, make her laugh and get the credit for being funny.
Rush out and buy both books. They look extremely promising.

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