Sunday, January 06, 2002

Guilt Trippin' Myself

Okay, the other day I was so damn sick of women I made a post about Personal Ads.
It was kind of funny, I'll admit, but it was also mean spirited, exaggerated, and now I feel somewhat guilty.
Truth be told, I loved my most recent ex so much, I went into another dimension after we split.
For months I isolated, I cried, I pouted, I considered calling her a million times, I imagined shooting her girlfriend in the ass, the whole magilla.
I just couldn't believe she didn't love me like I loved her when we finally met.
I just couldn't accept that she ran back to her horrendous ex lover.
I just couldn't understand how I could love someone so much, and believe in someone so much, and have it just crash down around me like a complete emotional implosion.
She was nutty for sure, but she was amazing in so many ways. Such brilliance, such a grasp on the intellectual plane, such a poetic, witty soul. Plus she was physically so beautiful, with eyes and a smile that could melt titanium.
It still grieves me to know we will never be. She was in bed with her ex less than a week after I left her side.
She never gave us a chance, her ex was between us the entire four days we had together. I could never again trust that her ex would be out of the picture, not after all the pain my lover caused me over her.
So I am more or less healed now, having finally accepted that I lost out to some fucking loser. But I figured if I could write a personal ad so mean about her, I may as well give her her propers, too.
I left that heart wrenching relationship a better woman. I know the depth of my ability to love better now. I know the danger of trampling my own boundaries for the sake of holding onto someone who was never mine to begin with.
I know now not to take my dreams too far until reality at least has taken root a little better.
On good days, I don't think of her. On bad days, the thought of her still fills me with nostalgia, tears and regret.
I hope one day a woman will love me as much as I loved her.

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