Friday, June 28, 2002

Uh Oh... Something New to Poison My Mind

Like a tiny, gossamer insect, it's been fluttering in my peripheral vision for months now. I've heard the slight buzzing and caught what sounded like words a few times.
Something told me I should resist, but today I sat and faced the visions and sounds square on.
They beckoned me, like a glistening, long-legged vamp in aerobics tights and a ripped tanktop, with a bright red cherry clasped between her dazzling white teeth.

From the first moments I looked, I knew I'd become addicted.
It's called "Passions," an hour-long daytime drama on NBC.

Like a Mexican novella, only in English, it's pure, lurid sleaze. The acting is horrid, the music is worse. The sets are straight out of a midwest community college stage production. It's nasty. It's trashy. It's fabulous.

I love Passions.
I am a virgin to Passions.

All the men in the cast are outrageously pretty boys, wearing tight, grocery-snuggling pants and those silky knit Ricky Martin shirts. They are so camp, it's like old times before AIDS made queens get so serious and political.
All the women are succulent babes, except for the skank ho's and old battle-axes.
They have some talking doll named Timmy, who has a midget body and a chubby baby face and does freaky things. I'll have to get back with you on what kind of things.
His sidekick is a 300-year-old witch. I haven't caught her act yet.
There seem to be a fair number of sensual Hispanic cast members, who suck air through their teeth and thrust their heaving bosoms during love scenes, and those are just the men! ¡Ai, Caramba! ¡Muy caliente en los pantalones gigantes!
You expect to see blood after a kissing scene.
Today, beautiful Theresa is in jail, facing execution tomorrow, scheduled moments after her appeal was denied (uh huh). Her lawyer boyfriend Ethan, a big strapping Anglo boy with hair and looks like faded pop star Rick Astley (only Ethan has a chin).
Some bitches named Ivy and Rebecca are thrilled Theresa is about to be executed.
In a tender jail scene, where Ethan tearfully tells Theresa they are out of chances to spare her innocent life, a prison employee strolls casually past her cell, carrying a dainty tray filled with various lethal injectables meant for Theresa!! HAHAHAHAHA!
It don't get any better than that!

Who watches it?
Talk to me, baby, I'm jonesing to catch up.

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