My Stupid New Doctor
In she rushed, wearing leggings and a tunic top, looking a little like Tony Soprano's psychiatrist but sounding more like Love Boat denizen Charro.
"So, Meez Sipdrife, how are ju today?"
"I am okay, thanks."
"Why are ju here?"
"Routine check-up, nothing specific."
"So what ees new with ju?"
"Well, I have some insomnia and the Celexa is sort of just barely still working."
"Okay, so I theenk ees time for ju to see a counceelor."
"A counselor, what for?"
"For the insomnia."
"I don't need a counselor for that, I need meds."
"No, I don' theenk ju need more meds."
"Can't I just go from 20 mgs to 40 mgs of Celexa?"
"Ju wanna do that?"
"Yes I'd like to try it. I don't have situational depression, I just have lousy seratonin uptake, I think."
"Hokay. Now I see jour bloot pressure is a tiny beet high, 130 over 89. I wan ju to come een for the next fife dace and get jour bloot pressure check at the hospeetal."
"No, I can't come here five days in a row."
"Why, ju leeve far away?"
"Far enough away."
"Okay, so ju go to the grocery store and get it check there and call me after ju check eet for seex times."
"Yeah, umm, okay."
"Okay, why ju takeen Prempro when ju have no uteris?"
"My oncologist/GYN said for me to."
"Why she say that?"
"I dont know, something about progesterin mitigating cancer recurrence."
"Oh, hokay, I see. Well I am gonna eschedule ju for a thyroit test."
"Thyroid test, what for?"
"Just to make chure ju are not having esleeping problems because of jour thyroit."
"Okay then, ju call me weeth the bloot pressures and now ju go to the lab and geet some bloot drawn."
"Okay. Hey, great accent. Where are you from, doctor?"
"¿Oh, le gustas arroz con pollo?"
"No rilly. I don' lie to kook. Okay then, see ju in Febooary. We do a lotta tests then for jour annual sheck up. We will even geet to look at jour colon."
"Ouch. Okay, bye doctor."
I left, went to the lab and had a very clumsy student draw blood while her instrutor barked orders at her like, "The needle's crooked, push it in harder, no pull it out, no suck more blood, no, straighten the needle, you are bruising her." Damn.
Then I went to the pharmacy, waited an hour, and the doctor, she forgeet to poot my prescription in the computer.