I'm MADA and I'm not gonna take it anymore
• IHOP is doing an all-you-can-eat pancake deal. I think the American Diabetes Association needs to form a militant splinter group who will take to the streets and wreak havoc with companies who seek to kill people by means of carbogluttony.
• San Antonio has been given the dubious distinction of being in the Top 5 for having the fattest citizens. This situation was confirmed by a recent foreign visitor, who dubbed me one of the more "in-shape" San Antonians she'd observed.
By Canadian standards, I am roughly in the same category as the lead singer for Blues Traveler, but by San Antonio standards I am somewhat svelte since I can still purchase clothes in regular department stores.
• San Antonio's plethora of excellent TexMex establishments is to blame. The Militant ADA (or MADA, as I have coined it) needs to invade this city muy rapido. Example:
Here is the "diet plate" for Jacala, the place that poisoned my girlfriend only last week.
Dieter's Delight: The Santa Fe Dinner: Three blue corn enchiladas made with Monterrey jack cheese and chicken, topped with our own authentic New Mexico chile sauce, and served with rice, beans and guacamole.
• Every establishment licensed to sell food should by law be compelled to make available sugar free Jell-O and whole wheat breads or tortillas, made without lard or grease. They should also be forced to have on hand at least one diet soda that is not Diet Coke.
• TexMex diners should be weighed, measured and licensed by MADA before being allowed to order.
• Anyone with camel toe, especially men, should not be permitted to buy beer or anything made with white flour, cheese or sugar.
• MADA should sue Red Lobster for their ads featuring butter dripping off chunks of lobster, or for shrimp specials that offer more than 8 shrimp.
• Ice Cream stores should be forced by MADA to install doors that are only 18 inches wide. Anyone having to stuff themselves in must not be served.
This is just the start. As the MADA executive director, I plan to become a menace to the homicidal food industry, starting with Jacala.