News Blog™
Half news, half snippy comments!

WASHINGTON (Jan. 15) - The United States on Wednesday warned Iraq against using civilians as human shields to try to ward off air strikes, saying such action would constitute "a war crime in any conflict."
An unnamed government official added, "That is unless the shields are Jim Carrey, Tom Green, Dr. Laura, Strom Thurmond, Trent Lott, Shaquille O'Neil or the Verizon 'can you hear me now?' guy."

WASHINGTON (Jan. 15) - President Bush, stepping into the most politically charged affirmative action case in a generation, asserted Wednesday that a program of racial preferences for minority applicants at the University of Michigan was ''divisive, unfair and impossible to square with the Constitution.''
When asked about getting "son of an alumni" preference points on his admission application to Yale University, Bush replied, "Well, you see, I am not a nigra so that's a mute point."

SEOUL, South Korea (Jan. 16) - North Korea rejected as "pie in the sky'' U.S. offers of talks and possible aid in exchange for abandoning its nuclear ambitions, accusing Washington on Wednesday of staging a "deceptive drama'' to mislead world opinion.
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said, "You don't want aid? Well, how would you like a Patriot missile up the ass instead, Ching-Chong?"

BARKSDALE AIR FORCE BASE, La. (Jan. 15) - U.S. pilots who dropped a bomb on Canadian allies in Afghanistan last April quickly grew worried that they had made a mistake, according to audio and video recordings of the deadly accident played at a military hearing Wednesday.
Less than three minutes after the bomb hit, killing four Canadians and wounding eight, Illinois National Guard Maj. Harry Schmidt said: "I hope that was the right thing to do.''
Maj. William Umbach, his mission commander replied, "Well, if it was Canadians, we can always say they had a hockey brawl."

WASHINGTON (Jan. 15) - Federal deficits should balloon to the $200 billion to $300 billion range over the next two years, President Bush's budget director Mitchell Daniels said Wednesday, a far bleaker view of the fiscal horizon than the White House had painted.
"Well, what can I say?" Daniels said. "I mean, we did what we could but Dubya wants a war and I said if he gave me this great job, me and my guys would help him out."