Wednesday, January 29, 2003

Karen Zipdrive's State of the Union Address
(my presidential fantasy)

My fellow Americans:
Here's the deal.
I hate Saddam and I think he's dangerous and nuts, so I am funding anyone who wants to shoot him or overthrow him. A billion dollars cash to the person or people who can kill his ass. You'll also make scads more on personal appearances, a book and movie deal.
Same offer goes for Bin Laden. Kill him, get cash.
I love my troops. I don't want them to get hurt, so they can all come home now. Oh, and free airline tickets and hotel rooms to anyone who wants to fly over and try to whack those clowns.

Old people are getting screwed with health care.
From now on, anyone old who can't afford really great insurance gets their health care free. We'll pay for it from the billions we save on not having a war.

Frivolous lawsuits.
Nobody can make more than $3 million on any settlement. Lawyers can only collect 25% of any settlement monies. Doctors who keep fucking up and getting sued will be de-licensed, except for getting to practice general medicine in prisons.

Taxes. The rich have skated by long enough. Loopholes are bullshit. Everyone pays 15 or 20% of what they earn from now on. Bill Gates and Oprah, pony up. You can fire your million dollar accountants and tax attorneys. Just send us 20 percent of what you made last year. If you make under $20,000 a year, you don't have to pay anything. Oprah and Bill will pick up your share.

AIDS. This is some bad, bad juju. Free health care and meds for anyone with AIDS. More funding for research and vaccine development.

Cigarette taxes.
Cigs will now cost $10 a pack. The manufacturer makes $1 and we get the rest. Taxes will go to education and old folks' medical care.

Marijuana. Legalize it and tax the bejeebers out of it. Farm subsidies are over. No more paying farmers not to grow stuff. Farmers can now grow marijuana instead, which will fetch them $5. a pound, or more than any crop they've ever grown. The pot be graded and sold to over 21 people through government stores. A pack of 20 pretty good joints will run $20. A pack of 20 kickass joints will run about $300. If a pound retails for $1,500 and the farmer gets $5, we'll get $1,495 per pound in tax revenues. That's a lot of dough to be used in education and vocational programs.

More funding for the arts.
When a culture is studied centuries later, they don't look at their guns, they look at their fucking art. Let's give them something to look at.

Prison reform:
No more meat, sugar, caffeine or tobacco. Classical music. Mandatory therapy. Yoga, not weightlifting. Twelve step programs for all who need them. Mandatory vocational training. Grow their own foods. Sew their own uniforms. Compassionate guards. Solitary confinement will now be called contemplative safety.

Teachers. Subsidies to increase base teacher salaries to $40,000 a year. Income taxed at 10%. All administrators must have a minimum of ten years' teaching experience to qualify as administrators.

Gay rights. Get married. Have kids. You pay the same taxes, you get the same rights as straight folks. Period.

Abortion. None of the government's business.

Welfare. You want free money? Okay, but you have to work for it, somehow, some way. And you're gonna be taking some kind of vocational training. We'll hold you up while you're getting squared away, and if you are too sick to work, we got you covered.

Churches. Your chapel, mosque or synagogue property remains tax free. Any other property you own that generates income is taxed. If your clergy earn more than $20,000 annually, they pay income tax just like everyone else.

Oh, and God Bless America.

No comments: