Tuesday, April 29, 2003

Crone Advice

As if I wasn't enough of a pontificating windbag in my 40's, now that I am perched on the rim of turning 50, I have some sage wisdom to pass on to you younger folk.

1. If she says she's no good for you, believe her.
2. Keep your hands and fingernails clean as often as humanly possible.
3. If you have to smell it first to see if it's okay to eat, just throw it away.
4. If you think you may have bad breath, just go brush your teeth.
5. Always wear old underwear on a first date.
6. Don't let junk accumulate in your car.
7. If you are drunk, remember not to repeat anything more than twice, no matter how funny you think it is.
8. Never fill out sweepstakes forms. They just want your address and phone number so they can hassle you later.
9. Online petitions don't work because names on them are impossible to verify.
10. If someone cheated on their partner to be with you, they'll likely cheat on you.
11. Don't let your dog hump your friend's leg.
12. Don't send anyone chain e-mail.
13. People are only about 20% as interested in your shit as you are.
14. It's a lot easier to ride a horse in the direction it's going.
15. When you hear the phrase "we need to talk" it generally means you need to listen.
16. Sometimes saying "whatever" IS the best way to end a silly argument.
17. Get rid of clothes you haven't worn in a year.
18. Make sure your toenails are trimmed and clean.
19. Never mix Scotch with Coke.
20. Never take drugs someone manufactured in their home.
21. If you don't want to eat something and your host pressures you, say you are allergic.
22. Breasts sag after 30. Get over it.
23. Never use the words fuck or fucking more than once per sentence.
24. Use spellcheck on your e-mail, damn it.
25. It's okay to change the empty toilet paper roll at someone else's house.
26. Nobody wants to hear the minute details of one's sex life.
27. Time wounds all heels.
28. Silence is golden, especially if you are drunker than hell.
29. Everyone needs to watch Iron Chef at least once.
30. Pick up a restaurant check once in a while.
31. Keep fresh flowers in your house, no matter how poor you think you are.
32. If you have photos to share, ask if they are actually interested in seeing them.
33. Don't scrape your teeth over the fork or spoon when you're eating.
34. Don't loan out books or CD's if they are really important to you.
35. Travel as much as you can.

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