A Message From Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf,
Iraqi Information Minister

Dear Iraqi Faithful,

The American infidels, may Allah wipe Kurdish boogers on their lower lips, have bombed our state television station so that we cannot see the lies they are telling.
We have them on the ropes and soon they will fall into the gutters and be urinated and shat upon by the elite guards' golden winged steeds.
Those faithful to Saddam, may Allah replace his sons Uck-Fay and Oo-Yay with better ones, have reportedly torn down the 40-foot statue of our leader. This was not to mark defeat, this was to replace the old bronze statue with a new, solid gold statue of our beloved Saddam, encrusted in precious gems, may Allah keep them shiny and bright.
American and British invaders, who will be bloodied and pummeled like common Iraqi wives and girlfriends, have lost all of their weapons, tanks and air force to the mighty swords of the Iraqi martyrs.
We have met the infidels missiles with sticks and their bombs with stones from our blessed Iraqi soil, and with Allah's divine guidance we have sent the few remaining infidel invaders back to Kuwait with broken spirits and massive chiropractic problems.
So certain is victory for Saddam, may Allah keep him healthy despite the several tons of debris on his torso, I plan to take a vacation to Syria, effective immediately.