Saturday, May 10, 2003

Cats Don't Do This Shit

As I was taking a pleasant bike ride through my neighborhood this morning, I broadened my route and added some new streets.
Barreling down one new street, I was set upon by a smallish, ash gray shaggy mutt who chased me for a block, barking and snapping all the while. The dog's owner stood by and watched with great amusement.
I said, "Get your goddam dog off me" as I rode by. I doubt the owner heard, as I was pedaling at around 30 mph to escape the mangy cur.
I rounded the corner just in time to rouse the attention of a medium tall black mutt and a full size Dalmatian. They formed a V that I had to ride through, then they flanked me on both sides, running like greyhounds.
By then I was just pissed off and yelled, "HEY!" They backed off as my deepest big girl voice echoed off the surrounding houses.
When I first got the Red Streak, a friend said I needed a squirt gun filled with ammonia in case this happened. I laughed it off, thinking there were few unleashed dogs in my hood and how cruel it would be to ammona-ize them in the face.
I am going to get a 40-foot-range super squirter with a back-mounted ammonia tank and a barrel mounted laser site.
There are leash laws in this city. I am going to program Animal Control into my speed dialing. Dogs will be caught! Dogs will go to the dog pokey!
I like dogs, just not when they are chasing me on my bike with their fangs bared and their jaws snapping at me. By the time I get through with these dastardly bike chasers, the whole neighborhood is gonna smell like ammonia.
You don't see cats pulling this kind of shit.

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