Survivor: The Lackluster Review

Dateline: San Antonio
Time: 5 minutes before Survivor came on
The phone rings.
Karen Zipdrive: Hello?
Mystery Male Caller: Is this Karen?
KZ: Yes, who is this?
MMC: This is (mumble) calling to thank you for your support
KZ: What support?
MMC: Mumble mumble, Survivor, Christy.
KZ: Wait. You're calling for Christy?
MMC: We read a lot of websites and wanted to call around and thank people for supporting her. She really laughed about you calling her Cwisty.
KZ: Wait. She read my site?
MMC: Well, we give her reports and...
KZ: How did you get my number?
MMC: A Blogger friend of your gav...
KZ: A friend of MINE gave YOU my number???
MMC: Just kidding, this is Robert your prince...

How cool was that? For the record, he sounds like a beautiful man. Too bad we are both queer as hens teeth. Anyway...
• Buh Bye Heidi, and your coke bottle glasses and big teeth caps and fake boobs and galloping zits. See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya.
Please insert your own sophomoric parting shots here.
• Word up to Butch: Even YOU can prevent jungle fires, you little maniac.
• Poor, poor Jenna, first she has to fret about abandoning her mother, whose brain cancer has been a constant annoyance to have to think about, then her Zeta crown and Zeta Tappa Fly jacket was burned in the fire. Then she loses the other half of her brain, Heidi. Wahhh, my mascara is running.
• Watching Matthew and Rob eating all that meat was somewhat beyond disgusting. Watching stinky men eating suspicious meat has to be tops on the lesbian gross-out list.
And what's with the cars the producers give away? I still can't see a Pontiac Aztec on the streets without thinking of Colby back there, sleeping with his mama.
The red Saturn just seemed a bit too red to me.
Loved how Matthew had everyone get in the car to feel the A/C, then kicked all but Rob out 10 seconds later.

I dunno, folks. It's hard to pick a winner from this crowd of mangy mutts, but it's easy to pick the next loser, and I'll do it in haiku form.

Poor skinny Jenna
Bones showing, eyes bulging wide
Back to Pittsburgh, bitch!