The Diary of PuSay Hussein Part 2
Saddam's unusual daughter's secret journal

oh my. the skies above are littered with bombs, looking for my father may allah bless his name and my brothers uday, koozay and ooglay, may allah reign their antisocial tendencies.
lucky for one time to be a woman, i am, if one can call a woman someone who wears dungarees, sensible shoes and pocket-t shirts beneath her flowing burqa.
i try hard to soothe the ladies trapped here in the palace with me with sarah
mclaughlan cds, chocolate morsels, kama sutra edible massage oils and in ministering to their intense physical cravings with their bottoms facing away from mecca may allah praise his hometown.
my father may allah regrow his shot off arms remains in charge, though he has difficulty speaking with the shards of shrapnel in his neck.
my brother uday may allah grant him testicles larger than olives is fine although he has been sitting in the same chair for two weeks now, beginning to smell like camel smegma.
my brother koozay may allah give him a thousand sons also is fine physically but emotionally i fear for him as he seems to be repeating a high pitched 'allah get me out of here' continually as he runs in tight circles rubbing his head.
the women in the palace continue to daunt me with requests to relieve their intimate physical needs now that every iraqi male over age 8 is fighting against the devil american troops. my chin is raw from friction against their thatchy nether mounds and my hands are sprained from excessive wrist movements. my fingertips no longer have sensation and they are pruny as dried dates from excess digital application. alas my rough rider silicone accessory has long since been worn to an ineffectual nub and my harness lies in tatters.
my internet service provider IOL has been bombed so i am unable to order a replacement from american satanic company good vibrations may allah spare this establishment at least until i can reorder.
now that the palace women have ridden the sacred sapphic camel they tell me no longer will a regular male may allah continue to bestow favored grace toward them suffice.
this morning i was awakened by several of my servant women chanting i want pu-say at my door. i am weary but must do my duty may allah bless and replenish my sore biceps and wrists.

Haiku Monday

Weekend war update:
Amanpour: get those bangs trimmed
While the pause is on

Pass the buck Rumsfeld
Made bad prewar decisions
He now blames on Franks

They said it'd be
A really, really fast war
They lied, once again

I support the troops...
Support them coming home NOW
Send Bush over there

Anyone notice
How Bush seems so familiar?
Alfred E. Newman.

Country Music to Wage War By

In response to the Dixie Chicks' Natalie Maines recent derogatory remarks about the resident, the country music industry has responded with new music to support the war in Iraq.

I've got friends in bombed out places
Shameless Islamic terrorists
The Euphrates River
He stopped loving war today
Crazy (Saddam)
I fall to pieces from shrapnel
Your cheatin Islamic heart
I'm so lonesome I could Shiite
He'll have to go (and his sons, too)
Blue eyes crying in the serin gas
Stand by your Kurd
Help me make it through Najaf
I walk the Bush party line
Bombing's always on my mind
Tumbling Hussein monuments
Baghdad by morning
King of the road Humvee
Make the Islamic world go away
A bitter man
The devil went down in Kirkuk
Gentile on my mind
You're the reason God made night vision technology
Tikrit Valley PTA
My heroes have always been joint chiefs of staff

Biting the Hand: Food and the War

• Call me a stickler, but when a healthy looking adult Iraqi male is standing in line, elbowing to get food and water from Satan's evil American catering truck, he should not choose that time to say on camera, "We hate America. We hate Britain Saddam is a good man."
That's just bad home training, as we'd say in Texas.
The humanitarian food distributors need to keep some cans of Spam handy for guys like that. Spam and Jell-O. Bon appetite, dude.
• I was at a military commissary today buying groceries. It looks like any ordinary grocery store, but they had MRE's for sale. Yep, for about $6.50 you too can eat chicken noodly stuff, gloppy side dishes and some gummy dessert just like the troops get. They are highly nutritional, if you consider carbohydrates nutritious. MREs have approximately 1,300 calories per meal with 55 percent of the calories from carbohydrates, 35 percent from fat and 15 percent from protein.
I thought about trying one, but I eat maybe 1,500 calories a day and I'll be damned if I use up almost all of them on one starchy meal in a mylar bag.
• Next week I hope to get the e-mail address of my gynecologist who was deployed to Kuwait. She's also a surgeon, so I imagine they have her stitching up some pretty nasty war injuries. I know she's tough and can handle the ravages of war injured patients, but she also has two toddlers at home I imagine she misses terribly.
Once I get her e-mail address I plan to get her APO address and send her some ass kicking homemade brownies, made with the finest of Venezuelan chocolate, macadamia nuts and a little Kahlua thrown in for good measure. MRE's my ass.
• Meanwhile the UN has unanimously voted in favor of resuming a food for oil exchange in Iraq. Despite what Iraqi leaders say about having plenty of food for their people, they apparently don't. I think the exchange rate should be one can of tuna=1 barrel of oil. Hey, it's a seller's market.
• Finally, I think the Bush administration, the Senate and Congress should go on voluntary MRE rations until the war is over. The only exception should be that Democratic legislator from Carolina who has a son named Brooks serving as a staff sergeant in the military.

Roadkill

Rumi, Texas Style

when the winds of war have scorched your mind
and you start to blow them toward others
praising war
reveling in war
bend forward and blow them toward your own nether regions
bubba

War Heebie Jeebies & Rumi Soothing

You know, it is possible to get too wrapped up in war coverage and all that 'trying to keep abreast so you can argue with the woefully naive' routine.
Yesterday I unwittingly became war-inundated and it was starting to grate at my emotional nerves like hashbrowns-to-be over a French mandoline. I found myself ruminating far too much about the war and craving more. Not good.
What capped it all off was I decided to make an appointment with my GYN/oncologist, who in 2001 managed to save me from cancer with a total hysterectomy. It was time to see her again, I hadn't for a year or so and she's so damn cute I just kinda like those pelvic exams of hers.
So I called her beeper and her secretary called me back.
It seems my doctor Margarett, who is also an active duty U.S. Army Major, had been DEPLOYED TO KUWAIT last week. Felt like a knife to my heart.

What I find very unusual is, almost the same time I started reading up on this Iraqi war situation, I also was exposed to poetry written by an Islamic Tajikastani named Mowlana Jalaluddin Rumi, who was big on the Middle Eastern theology and poetry scene in the 1200's.
As many of you may already know, Rumi was sort of switched on by the whirling dervishes, founded the Mawlawi Sufi order and wrote some of the most extraordinarily beautiful, sexual and spiritual poetry I've ever read.
So all at once I am inundated with written and visual images of a war-torn savage land and soothed and inspired by an Islamic Sufi who lived eight centuries ago.

Compare and contrast:
• War news:
(March 28) - The biggest bombs dropped on Baghdad so far - two 4,700-pound "bunker busters'' -- struck a communications tower Friday in an intense U.S. bombardment aimed at cutting off Saddam Hussein's command from his forces.
• Rumi love poem:
Ode 314
Those who don't feel this Love pulling them like a river,
those who don't drink dawn like a cup of spring water
or take in sunset like supper,
those who don't want to change, 
let them sleep. 
This Love is beyond the study of theology, that old trickery and hypocrisy.
I you want to improve your mind that way, 
sleep on. 
I've given up on my brain.
I've torn the cloth to shreds and thrown it away. 
If you're not completely naked,
wrap your beautiful robe of words around you, 
and sleep. 

I think I need a little war break. It's Rumi time.

Quid Pro Quo: Part Deux
special Delivery for Barcodie!

Na na na na...hey hey hey...good-bye

This episode of Survivor was simply sublime!
Oooh, that nasty Roger and his bossy he-man self. Did he get the big boot or what?
His old school male superiority and micromanaging shows how much younger men have evolved in today's society. When Christy wanted to help lay the logs of the shelter floor and he told her to get palm fronds like a good little girl, I knew he had screwed himself.
When did dorky 8-ball Rob get so funny? That Casey Kasem send off he gave Roger was hysterical. And who can forget after Roger jumped off the perch into the water when Rob said, "Nice jump, Roger," dripping with upstate New York sarcasm.
Rob is one of the girls now. He thinks he's going to be The Man once he's gotten rid of the real men, but Deena is the Man. More on her later.
And Christy, well, tonight nailed it, I love her. She's tough and cool and when she admitted she had sex outside by the Washington Memorial during a 4th of July fireworks show, well...it worked for me.
As for Deena, she is looking mighty good these days (for a butch) and I loved how she maneuvered that immunity challenge. I can honestly say she won me over tonight. She's slicker than greased owl shit.
As for Jenna and Heidi getting naked for peanut butter and cookies, well that was absurd. First of all, Jenna was the one who suggested it. She and Heidi got naked for snacks?? Can you spell narcissistic exhibitionism? Oy, what must their mothers think?
(cue up spooky music)
Did anyone see in the previews where Matthew seems to have slipped into a dissociative trance of some sort? He was totally Christopher Walken in the Deerhunter. I dunno- that seemed so obvious I somehow doubt he'll get the boot next week. Crazy is no threat, not after it's everyone for themselves.
My picking record this time is awful. Still, I think Deena and Christy are looking good for the final four.

The Hidden Diary of Pu-Say Hussein
(Saddam's unusual daughter)

yes, i am here, a princess in a palace and daughter of a world leader may allah praise his name father, and yet i have a dire secret only i share with diary lest i be smited by my father may allah grant him eternal potency without need for little blue pills he must take.
though i dress in traditional iraqi woman garb, beneath my gown is a pair of levi 501's, joe boxer briefs and a softy pack.
yes, i am Pu-Say Hussein may that surname be blessed by allah and yes, i am packing a false manhood, fashioned from the finest in silicone and purchased covertly from a mail order shop in san francisco in the nation of satan.
what is more, when the chambermaid fatima comes to tend to me in the nighttime i switch to a longer, firmer unit the evil american catalog calls a rough rider and praise allah it is rough and i do ride her and dear fatima ululates at the very sight of it.
my brothers qussay, oday and ooglay allah praise their names may get all the attention from the world because they are males but in the palace i am the muslim kd lang and the beautiful servant girls line up to ride my nobel, bucking silicon steed may allah be praised.
father may allah bestow his richest blessings upon him is too caught up in hiding from the missiles of war and my brothers may allah pat their heads are too busy in the palace basement getting medieval with some evil american war criminals so i am free to bestow my saddamistic charms on the palace ladies who come to me, heavy with horn.
yes it is a secret skill i have yet i cannot share my throbbing, moist secret with anyone outside the palace lest i be how you say outed and then father may allah grant him a full head of dark hair for all eternity would be compared to the evil satanic messenger boy of doom dick cheney who also has a daughter with whom fate smited with a similarly delightful yet demonic perversion may allah turn his head and pretend not to notice.
what ever shall I do? I long for variety from the palace servant girls yet i dare not venture out in public seeking a tall blonde who can suck a persimmon through a soda straw or maybe a nice jewish girl with a large bouncing rack.
more to come. fatima is soon to come to bathe me.

Say WHAT??

Survivor Update!

Here's who the AOL poll takers think will win the ultimate prize:
25% Christy the hearing impaired woman
19% Dave the rocket scientist
13% Deena the closeted dyke lawyer
10% Heidi the zitty gym teacher bitch
6% Butch the old geezer
6% Alex the triathlon dude
6% Roger the other old geezer
6% Rob the 8-ball dork
5% Jenna the icky swimsuit model from sunny Pittsburgh
4% Matthew the weird guy

Looks like a plausible poll to me.
So for tonight, I am guessing Matthew will be booted if Jabberjaws loses, and from Tampaxi, I think Heidi's time is up.

How to Create a Hawk

I was pondering what exactly Iraqi military leaders could do that would be so reprehensible that even those of us against the war would have to take a stand.
The Geneva Convention was one of several agreements about fair treatment of POW's and the sick, wounded and dead in battle.
First made in Geneva, Switzerland in 1864, the agreement was subsequently accepted in later revisions by most nations of the world. I believe my country honors the Geneva Convention, and always has.
Iraq does not observe the tenets of the Geneva Convention.
They should.

1. Trotting out prisoners of war and the corpses of dead American soldiers for an Iraqi TV audience's viewing pleasure was an atrocity. Strike one.
2. Using women and children to shield military fighters is cowardly and weak. Staging fake surrenders and attacking those who stand to receive them is despicable. Strike two.
3. Using chemical weapons against our troops, whom I believe are trying hard to minimize civilian casualties, could very well be strike three.
If more than, say, 100 allied personnel succumb to chemical poisoning at the hands of the Iraqis, it will be very difficult not to defend whatever measures the allied forces must take to repel this final atrocity.

I hate war. I especially hate this war.
However, if Iraq continues to fight like cowards and renegades against the Geneva Convention, then adds chemical warfare to the mix, our military may have to take off the gloves, and it would be hard to blame them.
Pray the Iraqis keep their chemical weapons capped.
Otherwise, God help them.

Peace Quotes

All this war talk is making my neck muscles tight.
So, after a morning of reading horrible war junk, please allow me to post some quotes about peace.

· Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding. - Albert Einstein
· Give peace a chance. - John Lennon
· The need is not really for more brains; the need now is for a gentler, a more tolerant people than those who won for us against the ice, the tiger and the bear. - Loren Eiseley
· All works of love are works of peace. - Mother Theresa
· True peace is not merely the absence of tension but is the presence of justice and brotherhood. - Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr.
· Hatred, prejudice and anger are what caused this terrible tragedy, and the people of the city of New York should act differently. We should act bravely. We should act in a tolerant way. We should go about our business, and we should show these people that they can't stop us. - New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani, Sept. 11, 2001
· When peace has been broken anywhere, the peace of all countries is in danger. - Franklin Delano Roosevelt
· A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. - Adlai Stevenson, American politician
· Let us seek a world in which security is gained through disarmament, international cooperation, and social justice not through escalation and retaliation. - from a statement drafted by New York City staff of the War Resisters League; September 11, 2001
· If the corporations have their way, the Earth will be killed, and that's in your lifetime. It's revolting to me that students are being trained to work in corporations. It's obscene to me that the corporations are running the world. We've got to get cross. Anger is an appropriate emotion. - Dr. Helen Caldicott, Australia, 4/20/01
· Peace-making is a healing process and it begins with me, but it does not end there .- Gene Knudsen Hoffman, on the subject of Compassionate Listening as a peacemaking tool.
· Peace is the only battle worth waging. - Albert Camus
· "If you want to make peace, you don't talk to your friends. You talk to your enemies.- Moshe Dayan, Israel
· Now somebody will ask me, Pete, how can you prove these songs really make a difference? And I have to confess I can't prove a darn thing, except that the people in power must think they do something, because they keep the songs off the air. - Pete Seeger
· Nonviolence is the greatest force at the disposal of mankind. It is mightier than the mightiest weapon of destruction devised by the ingenuity of man. - Gandhi
· There ought to be limits to freedom. - George W. Bush, complaining about a website (www.gwbush.com) critical of him, at an Austin Press Conference, May 21, 1999.
· We're fighting people that hates our values. They can't stand what America stands for. - George W. Bush, in his speech, "President Bush on Retaliation and State of the Economy" (October 26, 2001)
· My administration has been calling upon all the leaders in the -- in the Middle East to do everything they can to stop the violence, to tell the different parties involved that peace will never happen. - George W. Bush, Crawford, Texas, August 13, 2001
· I assured the prime minister, my administration will work hard to lay the foundation of peace in the Middle -- to work with our nations in the Middle East, give peace a chance. Secondly, I told him that our nation will not try to force peace, that we'll facilitate peace and that we will work with those responsible for a peace. - George W. Bush, March 2001.
· Redefining the role of the United States from enablers to keep the peace to enablers to keep the peace from peacekeepers is going to be an assignment.- George W. Bush, Interview, The New York Times, January 14, 2001

Quid Pro Quo

Blogger Gazette

In Blognews, welcome back my Texas homegirl Raven of Milk and Pepsi Hits the Spot.
Her last bloglink didn't work on my site but this one does. Her observations and comments often crack me up.
Some blogs I link end up trying to load themselves on my harddrive so I have to set them free. I have recently deleted some that do that, but it's no reflection on the Blogger.

My old pal Barcodie, curmudgeon, warmonger and gun fondler at BarCodeKing is ecstatic today because he found a link that he thinks debunks my claim that the VA was having their already strangled budget cut.
I got my initial news from NPR (hard to link the radio) and found a suitable report that said as much at the Disabled American Veterans site.
Barcodie was so pleased with himself for finding a link that he thinks verifies his claims, he missed the big picture, which was (a) the VA is grossly underfunded and totally unprepared to accommodate a new wave of disabled vets and (b) Members of Congress, (mostly GOP) were trying to slash the VA's budget even more.
Getting bogged down in minutiae is classic Barcodie, which is why I love him so.
He also delivered a stern reminder that all opinions must be accommodated by a link.
I just laughed.
First of all, I don't need a link to express or formulate an opinion. Often I postulate based on things I hear from National Public Radio, the BBC news and articles from credible, mainstream publications, but that doesn't mean I have formulated an opinion based on just one source.
This is a Blog, not a news service. I can always cite my references but this Blog is not a paid journalism assignment and Barcodie is sure as hell not a newspaper editor, nor is he the arbitrator of which link can beat up the other link.
Drop on over to his site and get plenty of material filled with right wing rhetoric, the Bush party line, and some incredibly verbose Blogs other people of his ilk wrote. Oh and he posts cartoons, too. His latest one is all about me.
I think he loves me.

I Tried to Change the Subject...

After all this war and Bush talk, I thought I'd change things up a bit.
In my exploration for new topics, I came upon these highly disgusting recipes
The rosy perfection salad looks a little like medical waste.
And all those mackeral recipes- makes you wanna heave.
Check it out.

Besides the War...

Let's review some of the Bush administration's shifty maneuvers, just from January '03 to February '03.
These were gathered from www.bushwatch.com, who compiled stories from sources such as The Washington Post, CNN.com, the Associated Press, USA Today, the New York Times, The Human Rights Campaign and Reuters News Service.
Please note the lack of blogatorial comments. These are facts, not opinions.
For further details or full media stories, please check Bushwatch.com.

He:
Terminated collective bargaining rights for 1,300 federal workers
He:
Offered a plan to allow states to restrict Medicaid
He:
Backed a lawsuit to end affirmative action
He:
Proposed to eliminate overtime pay for millions
He:
Offered a prescription drug plan that would force Medicare seniors into HMOs
He:
Ordered the end of Medicare advice and information outreach so recipients could not conveniently obtain information about access to services available and/or their rights to them
He:
Is considering limiting scholarships for female athletes
He:
Tried to appoint anti-gay extremist to the AIDS advisory panel
He:
Renominated previously rejected candidates to federal bench, rejected because of their extreme ultra right wing views hostile to workers, civil rights and environmental and consumer protections.
He:
Attempted to restrict emergency room visits for the poor.

It's not just the war, it's the budget, equal rights, union rights, affordable health care for the elderly, women's rights, gay rights, humane treatment for the needy and so many more things we have to look at before it's too late.
Combine these acts with his increased efforts to curtail basic privacy among citizens, the tendency to denounce dissension among the citizens and his absurd tax and budget packages, and you may start to see some things to seriously worry about.

WASHINGTON (March 24) - Most Americans are resigned to a longer, bloodier war in Iraq than first expected but they are firmly behind President Bush, according to several opinion polls released on Monday.


Hawk pundits said it would be a quick war.
They believed the crap they heard from Dubya.
They are still believing the crap because they fail to remember the lies and they only like how it feels to be the Overdog in a war against a California-sized country.
Forget about the cost in American and innocent Iraqi lives.
Forget about the budget drain.
Forget about the returning veterans.
Forget about agreements we had with the UN.
Forget about an American launched Patriot missile shooting down a British airplane.
Forget about the American POW's and corpses being displayed on Iraqi TV.
Forget that Bush has turned international support post 9/11 into international hatred toward our nation.
It's a war we can win, so it's ALL good for this myopic crowd of lemmings in hawk suits.
Fucking jerks.

Six Feet Under

Uh oh, Brenda's coming back next week.
Lisa, your marriage will soon be over. Nate has Brenda's juju all over him and she'll win him back faster than Lisa can say, "I'm just like Ruth."
Oh, and Bettina was just the medicine Ruth needed. There's nothing like a gutsy old lesbian to perk up a stagnant but curious straight woman's life. Trust me on that.
Claire, before you shtup your art teacher, please consult the archives over at Kelly's 'Welcome to My Life' blog.
The opera funeral, with the tenor singing that gorgeous version of "Nessun Dorma" was a high point for all of us queers in the audience.
It's from the opera 'Turandot,' so all you straight folks just cutting your teeth on opera and wondering where that came from, get thee to a music store and buy a copy.
All in all, a great little episode tonight.
Brenda, hurry back. Nate is driving me crazy trying to do the right thing.

Be a Soldier, Come Back to Diminished Veteran Rights

It seems to me that Bush and his GOP majority Senate and Congress are showing some colossal hypocrisy trying to slash the Department of Veterans Affairs budget at the same time they have committed our military service members to a war.
Wake up, people!
You want to support the military? Support the care and treatment of the returning veteran. Don't slash the budget, increase it to accommodate those who have served, are serving and will serve.
The money Bush is allegedly committing to restoring Iraq after we bomb it out ($20 billion annually) should be spent ensuring our veterans get what was promised to them when they enlisted.
Not one hawk will comment on the truth in the government's plans to screw the veterans. Not one hawk will agree that the chicken shit tax rebate Bush gave us years ago should have been allocated to the men and women who served their country.
Fact is, the VA hospitals in large metropolitan cities all over America now have a ONE YEAR WAITING LIST to be seen by a VA primary care physician.
Attempting to slash the VA's budget even more during this era is but one more example of the gross incompetence, the overt negligence and the colossal arrogance of this administration and the GOP legislators who support it.
If you support Bush, you are supporting his blatant disrespect for veterans.
It's a disgrace, and ignoring it is simply Unamerican.

Weekend War Update
CNN: Land of the embedded reporter.

Announcer: We have reports from our embedded reporters, located all over places in or near Iraq you've probably never heard of but will no doubt become familiar with as this war continues. First up is Jane Smithers. Jane?
Jane: Uhh, right Peter, I am at Yasser Mes Nommah and looking out over some sand and brush. In the distance you may or may not see some smoke.
Announcer: Smoke? Is that oil smoke or bomb smoke?
Jane: Hard to tell, Peter, I am about 150 miles south of the smoke.
Announcer: Thanks for that report Jane, now on to Bill in Kuwait City.
Bill: We were really shocked to hear an American soldier turned on his own men and lobbed 4 grenades into their tents.
Announcer: Who was this man and why did he do it?
Bill: Really hard to say, Peter. It's just really hard to say.
Announcer: Okay, thanks Bill, now on to Kira on the USS Lincoln: Kira can you hear me? Kira?
Kira: Yeah, Peter, I can hear you.
Announcer: What can you tell me from aboard the Lincoln?
Kira: Well I can't say much, being on a Naval destroyer and all, but I can say we are waging a way from the Gulf and the sailors here are on heavy alert.
Announcer: How's the mood there, Kira?
Kira: Well I can say everyone seems awake and alert, except for the people who are sleeping, but then it's their turn to sleep. I am sure if they are needed they'll be awakened but for now they get to sleep.
Announcer: Excellent, Kira, now on to Leon at CNN. Leon, can you fill us in on the latest from your end?
Leon: Seems the Iraqis are using women and children as human shields to cover their ground troops.
Announcer: Has that been confirmed?
Leon: Well that's hard to say. I mean we have heard it, but then we have not confirmed it so we can't really go with it unless it's confirmed.
Announcer: Well we'd better not discuss it then because we don't want to give too much away. Thanks, Leon.
Announcer: And that's this hour of up-to-the-minute, exclusive war coverage, brought to you by the ultimate word in war news, CNN.

Shock and Awe, Dude.

I haven't been watching much news coverage of the war.
I have tried, but CNN and the rest of the media are trying so hard to fill every nanosecond with "news," all I seem to get when I tune in is someone I don't know talking about something that tells me nothing.
From what I have gleaned, Saddam may or may not have used a body double to make his first night of the war speech. Didn't look at all like him to me. Whatever. The guy's an asshole and the speech was gibberish, so I didn't care who it was.
Then I heard about something called "shock and awe" which, from what I gather, is some kind of huge bombing assault designed (and named) to give all the American hawks big erections.
I also heard many Iraqi soldiers were surrendering, which I think was probably wise for them. Then I heard rebuilding what we destroyed will cost the U.S. about $20 billion a year to redo Iraq in our image. How are we planning to pay for that? Talk about shock and awe.
I wish they'd spend $20 billion a year on our American school children and the American infrastructure and quit trying to shock and awe everyone in the world with our weapons of mass destruction.
Last night I spent the evening with some new friends.
One was a woman who's about to report to prison for stepping over the line on a military base, protesting the American military training combatants and terrorists for Central American countries.
She's a 45-year-old accountant, and was busted with a bunch of other malcontents like American nuns and priests. Six months in a federal prison for setting a toe on military property.
Seems to me if the Americans are still training Al Qaida-like terrorists for other countries, we shouldn't be surprised if they one day turn on us when their puppet leaders stop doing our bidding.
Sound familiar?
It is. Who do people think helped ease Saddam Hussein into office? Who do they think trained the early Al Qaidas? Duh.
Anyway, all the warmongers are peppy and smiling this week.
I hope those same clowns don't bitch when our economy flatlines.
And when we get attacked again, I hope they aren't stupid enough to think we need to go shock and awe some new pissed-off country.
Fucking jerks.

Official Apology

I want to offer sincere apologies to Grey Bird.
Seems I accidentally got her blogsite linked to a rectal itch link page. So please, do not visit her comments box and poke fun at her about it.
I repeat:
Please do NOT hurry over to Grey Bird
and hassle her about persistent rectal itch.
Rectal itch is a serious ailment with nothing funny about it whatsoever.
I regret my inadvertent role in linking Grey Bird, who is located at Grey Bird to a site about rectal itch.

Can We Keep the Beef?

Hoo boy, that rip the meat chunks off the carcasses was a swell immunity challenge. I like how Heidi was biting hunks of meet off Butch's lips. He must have some serious floss needs by now. Heidi is starting to look like a POW, all ribs and eyes.
Well. Christy has captured the hearts of the geezers, plus she faced her rival Jenna on the revolving log and kicked her ass, twice. Sweet justice. Heidi is jealous of her now. Wahhh. That'll teach her.
To see Shawna booted off was just wonderful. Poor Alex, he was poised to poke her and she left. And is it me or does Deena look kind of hot now that she's lost some of that sitting at a desk bulk? She's like Helen, bad conditions make her look better.
Thank God we got to see the whole show without interruption.
I watched CNN until midnight last night. Ugh.

We interrupt this war with this special announcement...
SURVIVOR PICKS!!

God willing, Survivor will be on tonight rather than Thursday night due to the NCAA games.
Here are my simple picks.
From the Tampaxi tribe, Heidi has glommed on to Dave the rocket scientist and Roger and Butch are blinded by Christy's goofy smile and her disability.
Butch will take the hit.
From the Jabberjaws tribe, nothing spoils a testosterone/estrogen stew like a big old dyke glaring at them with righteous indignation. Deena went from the surrogate big daddy to the undervalued dyke in one day. I think she's going to get the boot. If not her, Matthew is still creepy enough and so is Rob the 8 Ball boy. But I still say Deena.

Saddam's Secret IM Conversations Revealed

DamsDaMan: Allah's blessings upon you, your majesty. How are things in Saudi Arabia?
FaudKing: Oh, not too bad, Saddam. How are you holding up?
DamsDaMan: Ehh, I have had better days.
FaudKing: I should imagine so. I'm surprised you have time to IM.
DamsDaMan: Time? I have about 22 hours left. Which reminds me...
FaudKing: Of?
DamsDaMan: Well, you know that little pool cabana of yours?
FaudKing: I have a thousand pools and two thousand cabanas, which do you mean?
DamsDaMan: Whichever, man. I was wondering if I could maybe crash there for a few weeks. Just me and the boys, you know. We'd bring our own figs and camel's milk, of course.
FaudKing: Jeeze, man, I have Osama here and, well, it's pretty dicey around here as it is.
DamsDaMan: Yeah well, thanks anyway. Hey, it's cool. See ya laters.
FaudKing: Hang in there, Saddy. Buh bye.

DamsDaMan: Hey Ali, how are things in Iran?
Ali Khamenei: What do you want, Saddam?
DamsDaMan: What do you mean what do I want? What's with the chill?
Ali Khamenei: Man, you must be desperate to IM me.
DamsDaMan: I see you are still filled rectally with the phallus of a camel!
Ali Khamenei: Yeah well, at least I wont be picking Patriot missile parts out of my rectum on Friday. And don't ask me if you can crash here with your insane sons.
DamsDaMan: Oh, like I'd ask you. You flatter yourself.
Ali Khamenei: May the sons of Osama rape your homely daughters! Good-bye!

DamsDaMan: Hey if it isn't Bulent Ecevit! How are you doing, buddy?
TurkeyPM2u: Hello Saddam.
DamsDaMan: Yeah, hey, I wanted to thank you for telling the white demon infidel George Bush he could not use Turkey as a base of invasion!
TurkeyPM2u: Yeah. Uh. Thanks.
DamsDaMan: So... I was thinking of taking my kids on a road trip soon. You up for some figs and fresh camel's milk, maybe a little poker?
TurkeyPM2u: Uhh, no can do. Bush already hates me. Finding you here would be suicide.
DamsDaMan: So you are telling me you are his harlot concubine?
TurkeyPM2u: Whatever, dude. Look I gotta go. Fatima's mother is making musk ox tonight.
DamsDaMan: Yeah right. Whatever dude. Allah be with you and all that.

DamsDaMan: Hey! Bonjour, mon ami!
LeJackChirac: Oui?
DamsDaMan: Can I stay with you in France for a few weeks?
LeJackChirac: Aha ha ha! Surely you jest!
DamsDaMan: No, I am quite serious.
LeJackChirac: You are quite insane is what you are.
DamsDaMan: But I thought the French loved me!
LeJackChirac: Non! We just hate Bush is all. Now I must go. Au revoir.

How Does One Pronounce Katar?

I have heard
Gutter
KAYTar
GuiTAR
Kutter
KahTEER
KuhTAR
GUTarr

I love this guy...
Michael Moore's letter to Bush

Some Interesting Views From an Internet Iraq War Message Board
or: Why the Polls May Be Favoring Bush

(I promise, these were cut and pasted verbatim.)

"No one is for war.
We are in this situation now because we have let down our guard during last administration and given our military secrets to our enemies (Madeline Albright) -- strength breeds respect. Bush was left with difficult situation and has also been sabotaged by the liberal press. This is why."

"I am so glad we are finally standing up to this Tyrant Saddam. He needs to go. I give 100 PERCENT to our President and our Troops. What this Saddam and this Osama has done is a DISGRACE. We need to Get Saddam Try him for War Crimes and LOCK HIM UP AND THROW AWAY THE KEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And Prosecute Osama to the full extent of the law and LOCK HIM UP AS WELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "

"IF YOU THINK OUR PRESIDENT IS STUPID WHAT THE DEVIL ARE YOU DOING IN OUR COUNTRY"

"That --so many, ARE in the minority, the polls show the FACTS, and MOST Americans ---ARE FOR BUSH, and the DESTRUCTION of Terriorism, and Dictatorship."

"IF GORE WAS PRESIDENT, WE'D BE ANOTHER THIRD WORLD NATION ABOUT NOW."

"Gore? Who do think might be behind all the antiwar protests in
this country? Al Gore? The Democratic Party?
For what reason would they have to be involved in something like
antiwar protests which would bring the high poll numbers of George Bush all the way down...enough to let the Democrats
slip in with a word of their own? Al Gore would lead a program
like that. Al Gore led a program of denying the American soldier
overseas his right to vote in the 2000 election. But you'll never
hear him admit it."

"You said it ALL, there are MANY people --RITE HERE- that need their -DUMB, asses kicked. But all they do, is set at a computer, and find --ANYTHING --to bitch about, cause they are HIDING, behind a screen name, that CAN'T be found. They are just --WHIMPS. "

An interesting POV
A Harvard Professor Debunks "Appeasement"

I've Had It.

AT&T is the lousiest phone service anyone can get.
I switched back to SBC today. I can't take one more episode of bureaucratic incompetence, or make one more complaint call where I have to select from 12 different menus and punch 30 numbers, then wait 15 minutes to reach a human being.
I think last night launched what will be a long period of prickliness for me.
It was a full moon, it was Purim, it was St. Patrick's Day, it was the night Bush threw down the gauntlet of war and plunged our nation into danger we haven't sensed since the Cuban Missile Crisis in the 60's.
This existential angst and fear is grating on everyone I know.

This had better be a damn short war.

Sobriety- ehh.

I stopped drinking several weeks ago. Alcohol toyed with my glucose levels too much and made me all swollen the next day.
As I saw the Resident's entrance on TV last night, I was at my sister's St. Patrick's Day cocktail party. Several of us watched as he appeared on the screen. Then we all groaned and turned it off. Nobody wanted to hear the cliches or other assorted claptrap.
Afterwards, I belted down two shots of Jamison's Irish whisky and had half a Harp beer.
Screw glucose, sometimes a woman just needs a few belts of whisky and a beer chaser.
So, Saddam has 48 hours to ride outta town. Sheriff Bush is a comin.'
Wouldn't it be great if Saddam and his boys did leave Iraq? You think Bush would direct the troops to turn tail and come home? Please.
Bush is hungry for a war. Saddam could convert to Catholicism and join a monastery Tuesday morning and it wouldn't make a difference. Nothing would.

I wish I'd brought that bottle home with me.

Be the first one on your block...

About 33 years ago, I was in the same funk I've been in lately.
We were fighting an unjust war in Vietnam and the nation was coming apart. Those of us who opposed the war back then were considered communists, traitors and worse.
About 30 years later, then-Secretary of Defense Robert McNamara confessed in a book that the war was wrong and we had no business being there.
We were right to protest then, and we'll be proven right this time.
Now we are on the eve of war again with a nation that has not attacked us, for reasons that have not been convincing enough to sway most of our allies around the world to side with us.
It reminds me of a song that was popular way back then, sung by a group called Country Joe and the Fish. I have revamped the lyrics slightly to fit this situation.

I feel like I'm fixin' to die

Yeah, come on all of you, big strong men,
Uncle Sam needs your help again.
He's got himself in a terrible jam
Way down yonder with old Saddam
So put down your books and pick up a gun,
We're gonna have a whole lotta fun.
And it's one, two, three,
What are we fighting for ?
Don't ask me, I don't give a damn,
Next stop is kill Saddam
And it's five, six, seven,
Open up the pearly gates,
Well there ain't no time to wonder why,
Whoopee! we're all gonna die.
Well, come on generals, let's move fast;
Your big chance has come at last.
Gotta go out and kill ragheads
The only good Arab is one who's dead
And you know that peace can only be won
When we've blown 'em all to kingdom come.
And it's one, two, three,
What are we fighting for ?
Don't ask me, I don't give a damn,
Next stop we kill Saddam
And it's five, six, seven,
Open up the pearly gates,
Well there ain't no time to wonder why
Whoopee! we're all gonna die.
Huh!
Well, come on Wall Street, don't move slow,
Why man, this is war a-go-go.
There's plenty good money to be made
By supplying the Army with the tools of the trade,
Just hope and pray that if they drop the bomb,
They drop it on that bitch Saddam.
And it's one, two, three,
What are we fighting for ?
Don't ask me, I don't give a damn,
Next stop is we kill Saddam
And it's five, six, seven,
Open up the pearly gates,
Well there ain't no time to wonder why
Whoopee! we're all gonna die.
Well, come on mothers throughout the land,
Pack your boys off to kill Saddam
Come on fathers, don't hesitate,
Send 'em off before it's too late.
Be the first one on your block
To have your boy come home in a box.
And it's one, two, three
What are we fighting for ?
Don't ask me, I don't give a damn,
Next stop we kill Saddam
And it's five, six, seven,
Open up the pearly gates,
Well there ain't no time to wonder why,
Whoopee! we're all gonna die.

From the desk of George W. Bush
THINGS TO DO LIST
Monday, March 17, 2003

9am: wake up, have freedom toast for breakfast
10am: wear a green tie to work and don't say nothing bad about the Irish because it's there birthday.
11am: start the war with Irac, Iracq, Saddam.
Noon: lunch, corned beef, cabbage and freedom fries
1:pm: watch the People's court
2pm: nap
3pm: snack time
4pm: jogging, wear green jogging suit
5pm: call Dick, see how war is going
6pm: dinner with Karl Rove
8pm: watch Fear Factor
9pm: watch Everybody Loves Raymond
9:30 bedtime

It's Working for Bush...

Why of course the people don't want war, that
is understood. But, after all, it is the leaders of
the country who determine the policy and it is always
a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it
is a democracy, a fascist dictatorship, a
parliament or a communist dictatorship.
Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding
of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is
tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the
peacemakers for lack of patriotism and exposing the
country to danger. It works the same in any country."

-Hermann Goering, Nazi officer,
during his Nuremberg war crimes trial

AT&T: An exercise in frustration

About ten days ago I switched phone services to AT&T from SBC.
On Friday, March 7 I called them and asked for Voicemail, thinking that it was included in the base cost and finding it was not.

Friday morning, at AT&T:
KZ: I need voicemail. I didn't realize it didn't come with the package I ordered.
Clerk: Oh well, we can't get that for you today ma'am but we can on Monday.
KZ: Why not today? It's early morning, can't it be done in one day?
Clerk: No, we need one business day to do that.
KZ: No work on weekends?
Clerk: No, Customer service is closed on weekends.

Tuesday morning.
KZ: Where's the voicemail I was promised on Monday?
New Clerk: We have a minimum 5 day work week for voicemail.
KZ: That's not what the last person said.
NC: They were wrong.
KZ: I need voicemail now, not on Thursday.
NC: I can't help speed it up for you ma'am.
KZ: May I please talk to your supervisor?
NC: He's not here would you like his voicemail?
KZ: NO I'd like MY voicemail. I don't want to talk to another AT&T machine I need a human who can fix this.
NC: He wouldn't be able to get you service any faster ma'am.

Thursday. I appear to have voicemail, because when I call the 11 digit number and enter my 6 digit pin, I am prompted to record my message and change my pin to one I like.
It's about fucking time.

Friday:
KZ: Hello?
Friend: Why don't you buy a phone message machine?
KZ: I have voicemail.
Friend: No you don't.
KZ: Yes I do.
Friend: No you don't, I called this morning and the phone rang 40 times. Then I called later and got a busy signal.
KZ: *&^*^%*!!

I hate AT&T. I hate inefficiency by huge corporations. I hate unkept promises and double-talk. I hate having to listen to 6 menus before I get a human to talk to.
AAT&T has until Monday to get this fixed or I am leaving them and going back to SBC,
Bastards.

Cunt???

When is it okay to publicly call someone with whom you disagree a "cunt?
My fellow blogger Barcodeking, with whom I vehemently disagree but have heretofore allowed free range with his political comments, has resorted to calling musician Chryssie Hynde a cunt in his comments box at his Blog.
I presume it's because she had the temerity to insult Bush or his war efforts.
Whatever the reason, the word cunt offends me.
For a political adversary to use it tells me I am wasting my energy on someone who has so little tolerance for opposing viewpoints, he must resort to the depth of sexist guttersniping to bolster his position.
I can respect someone whose politics differ from my own.
I am for freedom of speech, and I defend even the most depraved American's right to voice his or her opinion.
When that person, however, feels the need to start calling women he doesn't even know cunts, I have the freedom to step away and consider the person beneath my dignity to debate.
Poor guy was holding his own, expressing his dimwitted views with great passion and vehemence. Too bad he got so threatened, his misogyny leaked out and busted him for what he really is.
Cunt, nigger, spick, raghead, it's all the same. It's hate speech.
When it emerges, credibility is shot and the need for common civility is voided.
End of story.

Take this quiz and test your geo-political savvy. Answers to follow soon.

1) Which is the only country to have dropped bombs on more than 20 countries
since 1945?

2) Which is the only country to have used nuclear weapons?

3) Which country was responsible for a car bomb which killed 80 civilians in
Beirut in 1985, in a botched assassination attempt, thereby making it the
most lethal terrorist bombing in modern Middle East history?

4) Which country's illegal bombing of Libya in 1986 was described by the
United Nations Legal Committee as a "classic case" of terrorism?

5) Which country rejected the order of the International Court of Justice to
terminate its "unlawful use of force" against Nicaragua in 1986 and then
vetoed a United Nations Security Council resolution calling on all states to
observe international law?

6) Which country was accused by a United Nations-sponsored truth commission
of providing "direct and indirect support" for "acts of genocide"
against Mayan Indians in Guatemala during the 1980's?

7) Which country unilaterally withdrew from the Anti-Ballistic Missile
Treaty in December 2001?

8) Which country renounced efforts to negotiate a verification process for
the Biological Weapons Convention and brought an international conference on
the matter to a halt in 2001?

9) Which country prevented the United Nations from curbing the gun trade at
a small arms conference in July 2001?

10) Aside from Somalia, which is the only other country in the world to have
refused to ratify the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child?

11) Which is the only Western country which allows the death penalty to be
applied to children?

12) Which is the only G7 country to have refused to sign the 1997 Mine Ban
Treaty, forbidding the use of landmines?

13) Which was the only G7 country to vote against the creation of the
International Criminal Court in 1998?

14) Which was the only other country to join Israel in opposing a 1987
General Assembly resolution condemning international terrorism?

15) Which country refuses to fully pay its debts to the UN, yet reserves its
right to veto United Nations resolutions?

Why Bother?

All this banter about U.N. resolutions and deadline extensions given to Iraq for final disarmament is a waste of time.
With a quarter million troops in the region and Bush making up silly new terms like "a coalition of the willing," who is he trying to kid?
Bush plans to meet with British Prime Minister Tony Blair and Spanish Prime Minister Jose Maria Aznar this weekend in the Azores Islands. Why bother?
Bush doesn't listen to world opinion and his followers have been brainwashed into thinking any opposition to this war is just un-American.
Easy outs like, "Oh, you just hate Bush" are far too easy to take for those who back his extremist war plans.
Like it or not, we Americans have to eventually realize we are global citizens.
The arrogance and all the chest beating have cast us as villains in the world theater. For us to emerge as war mongering villains against the likes of maniac tyrants like Saddam is an embarrassment.
The horrors of 9/11 had world opinion squarely in our corner.
Bush and his cronies have managed to let that slip away, which to me is abundant proof that his lack of diplomacy and his inability to grasp the need for garnering and maintaining strong international support has cast all Americans in a dim global light.
He's bringing us down, and the lemmings who are allowing it will share in the shame of his actions once the dust settles.
I love my country but the actions of the current regime are indefensible.
We are going to war, my friends.
God help us all.

The Dixie Chicks: the First Amendment Lives!
(But Not in Texas)

Dixie Chicks member Natalie Maines and her sidekicks are a world of trouble in San Antonio tonight.
Well, at least on country music radio station KJ97 they are.
Seems the Chicks are on tour in Europe and Natalie stepped up to the mic and said she apologized for Dubya and was ashamed he claimed Texas as him home.
Now KJ97 is boycotting playing Dixie Chick records. Rednecks called in all evening, suggesting everything from public stoning to canceling their June concert, which is probably already sold out by now.
Yep, just like Nazis and Commies used to do, if you're a musician and you don't toe the party line and back the prez, you get banned from the air on KJ97.
Well, I still have a First Amendment right to free speech, so let me give the Nazis at KJ97 an official Pulp Friction Fuck you.
I have a nodding acquaintance with Dixie Chicks music, and while I have none of their CD's in my collection, that situation is about to change.
Those rednecks at KJ97 need to go back to their GED study guides and read up on the amendments to the U.S. Constitution. They just need to review the first one, so they needn't worry about chapping their lips from too much reading.
Seems to me if they can accept the constitutional right to bear arms with such delight, allowing for a little free speech shouldn't hurt them.

So, hats off to the Dixie Chicks.
Let's buy some of their CDs and give them out as gifts!

P.S. Bush was neither born nor educated in Texas. He just uses the Texas image to bolster his little Connecticut roots.

Heidi Heidi... Ho!

Oh my God. Heidi sided with the boys.
Yep folks, after a tribe shuffle, Heidi, Jeanne and Christy ended up over at Tampaxi with Roger, Butch and Dave.
The Jabberjaws Tribe, now called HeteroSquirt, has all the horny guys mixed in with the two remaining "cute girls" Shawna and Jenna, the skin and bones Pittsburgh swimsuit model.
Costarring as Jane Hathaway is Deanna, who is totally left out of the lively estrogen n' testosterone reindeer games because Real Men don't notice dykes.
Shawna, who was suffering from an unspecified malaise before the tribe switch, came to life when she locked eyes on Alex. Now she's all smiles and oozing sunshine, lollipops and rainblows. Poor Alex should have brought Penicillin as his luxury item.
Meanwhile, 8-ball dork Rob is saying things like, "Uhhm, I haven't shown them my throbbing member yet, but if they get naked I plan to aim my laser at them."
Get yourself a clue, dweeb.
He held the immunity idol to his crotch like a giant phallus after they won it. Sickening.
Back to that bitch Heidi.
At Tampaxi, the girls decided to vote off Butch. Dave cornered Heidi and told her she was the men's choice for top bitch, she fell for it and voted against Jeanne, only she spelled it "Gene."
In the early scenes, Heidi was wearing Coke bottle lens glasses and sporting a fresh spattering of big red facial zits. Finally, she looked on the outside what she looks like on the inside.
I like the Tampaxi tribe now. The men treated Christy very respectfully and cranked up the lantern at night so she could read their lips. Hats off to them. Too bad they let their eyes be their guide and dumped Jeanne instead of Heidi. She cannot be trusted. Her word is no good. The men should have brought KY Jelly as their luxury item, because Heidi's gonna shtup them good. Feh!

Are the Easy, Breezy Days Gone?

All I seem to think about to Blog these days is that damn war wetdream the Lil' Cowboy and his buckaroos are having.
The rest of my life is going well. I have good health, an ongoing weight loss, plenty of exercise and a happy personal life.
Six Feet Under and Survivor sustain my televisionary cravings. I have potted some nice herb plants, flowers are blooming in town and I have new sheets and new books to read.
Still, thoughts of war are clouding my otherwise simple and orderly life.
Friends and family call me. They want a reaction to the Iraq situation, knowing I'll start to sputter like Donald Duck when he's pissed off and give them some good shtick on the topic.
I saw on the news some SoCal gas station is charging $3.75 for regular unleaded. I eye my Exxon/Mobil card in my wallet and keep forgetting to cut it in half and mail it back to those Condaleeza Rice lovin' bastards.
Bush has given the UN a Friday deadline to vote on the resolution Britain refashioned. You know, the one where Saddam has to go on TV and cop to being a fat fucking liar. News reports say Bush has been frantically trying to gain support. God knows what kind of taxpayer money he's waving in front of the faces of the undecided. A guy who squandered all of his investors' money in his failed oil bidness isn't going to think twice about some high stakes bribery to get his way.
There has to be a way to distance my brain from this daily onslaught of war news, yet I feel like I have to keep informed so I am able to write about the depths of absurdity to which Bush and his cohorts are plummeting.
My sister is having a St. Patrick's Day dinner on Friday. Corned beef, cabbage, Harp beer and Irish whisky. Of the four featured items, the cabbage is my only real option. Swell.
Oh well, at least there will be no gas shortage in San Antonio THAT night.

Survivor Picks!

I am going out on a limb and voting for the people I'd personally vote off that Godforsaken island.
For the women, I am voting for Heidi, the self proclaimed "cute one with the good body."
If the other non-cuties of the tribe just look at her sitting on her ass and stirring up petty rivalries, they'd be smart to give her the ax and destroy what's left of the "cute girl" alliance.
For the men, I am still thinking Matthew will be ousted. He's creepy, he's a loner and he acted like catching that one big fish would be enough to sustain him to the end.
I think Praise Jesus JoAnna kind of funked up the immunity idol juju for the Jabberjaws tribe. That's okay, I don't feel much kinship with the Jabberjaw women anyway.
Your picks?

Another comic strip!
The Bush Girls Talk Careers

It had to happen sooner or later...
Barcodie Gets His Own Strip!

Poppy Talks to His Boy

Even Big Bush Had More of a Clue

Freedom Fries, Freedom Toast

Jeeze, a Republican Senator or Congressman (whatever) has persuaded the House or Senate (whatever) cafeteria to rename French fries and French toast "Freedom fries" and "Freedom toast."
I guess afterwards he'll go home to his wife, give her a big Freedom kiss and slip on a Freedom tickler and do to her what he thinks France has done to us.
I find this whole newsbit insulting. Life or death issues are facing the legislature and this clown is all het up over what to call menu items.

I am still against the war, but I am not above being pissed off at that liar Saddam.
First he said Iraq didn't have any weapons that would qualify as violations of the UN disarmament terms. Now Saddam has spent the last few weeks scrambling around destroying a mess of weapons he lied about having.
Hard to believe he's going to destroy everything he said he didn't have. Once a liar, always a liar.
Still that doesn't mean we should invade Iraq and kill thousands of innocent civilians. What it means is we should offer $50 million cash, military escorted safe passage and political asylum to any individual who puts a bullet in Saddam's skull. The shooter's family can come to America with him. He can throw out the first ball at the World Series, for all I care.

In other news, is anyone else pissed off about gas prices?
I live in Texas. Low gas prices are a given, living in Texas.
Even cheapie gas is running about $1.47 a gallon. I imagine you Yankees are getting screwed even harder. Watch for $2 or more a gallon gas this summer, courtesy of Dubya, stirring up those Middle East hornets.

Shopping Just Like a Girl

We have a chain of stores here called "Tuesday Morning." They sell deep discounted linens, home decor items, kitchenware and other assorted crap, some of which is quite nice.
I got a circular last week, advertising 350-count Egyptian cotton sheets in rich jewel tone colors for only $39.99 a set. They usually retail for about $89.
The sale started at 8 a.m. this morning. I had a hunch I'd better get there early, so I arrived at about 8:03, and the line to enter the building was already about 50 people deep.
The wide-assed lady in front of me sensed my eagerness and said, "There's a line, you know." Since all I was doing was leaning forward to look inside the store, I felt like lipping off to her, but I just considered the source and left to her bossiness.
Once I was in the store, I sprinted to the linen department and there was only one good set left, in a nice burgundy color. Otherwise all they had left was beige, and beige sheets depress me.
I had to elbow my way to the register, with people cutting their eyes at my burgundy sheets and muttering under their breath. I noticed some shoppo-hogs in front of me had carts stuffed with six or more sets of sheets.
Once at the register, a woman ahead of me with a life-sized silk potted banana tree kept batting me in the face with one of the leaves. The pretty man behind me kept nudging me with his basket that was filled with huge glazed ceramic pots. I was literally wedged between greedy consumers, a situation I usually try mightily to avoid.
Oh, but these sheets were worth it.
They are smooth as a baby's bottom, with a beautiful striped pattern woven into the material. They glisten with cotton satiny goodness. I think they may have some magic properties. I think I'll feel like a goddess sleeping on them. A shopping goddess.

A New Cartoon

A Quiz for the Prez

1. Iran is developing nuclear weapons and so is North Korea. Which is the biggest threat?
a) Iran
b) North Korea
c) Iraq

2. When hostile countries developing nuclear weapons is becoming an alarming scenario in the world, what's the best course of action to take?
a) Diplomacy
b) Sanctions
c) Bomb Iraq

3. Some of Bin Laden's confederates have been apprehended and have apparently been hinting as to his whereabouts. What should the U.S. do?
a) Pull out all the stops to find him.
b) Drop leaflets all along his suspected hiding places, reiterating the $25 million reward.
c) Concentrate on killing Saddam, in case he one day *might* fund Al Qaida and form an alliance with Bin Laden.

4. Hitler killed hundreds of thousands of Jews and caused a world war. Bin Laden led a team of terrorists in an attack on America, killing 3,000 and leveling a famous landmark and damaging the Pentagon, the seat of American defense. Which man was worse?
a) Hitler. He was a mass murderer and a racist maniac.
b) Bin Laden. He started a chain reaction of hatred.
c) Saddam Hussein. He's very mean to his own people and may someday make nuclear weapons that could be very, very bad.

If you answered a) to most of these questions, you have an understanding of current and historical events and could be a good leader.
If you answered b) to most of these questions you are proactive and willing to make the tough decisions required of a leader.
If you answered c) to most of these questions, you are the president, and that's why so many people think you are a dangerous nitwit.

One Trick Pony

Well, the bright side is, no way is George W. Bush going to get reelected. I welcome dissenting opinions here so I can be sure to rub it in their faces when he's thrown out of office in 2004.
War time presidents are rarely reelected, especially ones who ruin the economy and jam up the country with all this dissension because of his extremist solutions.
The Democrats out there right now are like this era's heavyweight boxers, a batch of pretty weak contenders. Still, I think even an Al and Al (Gore and Sharpton) ticket would be able to beat Dubya by the time he's done running the country into the ground.
But seriously, so far I like Democrat candidate John Kerry from Massachusetts.
Unlike Clinton and Bush, he knows something about being in the military (three purple hearts) and may not be so eager to send troops into dangerous situations willy nilly.
He also knows something about legislating, which would help a president negotiate with the Senate and Congress.
All I can say is, those of us who are sick of Bush ought to start planning which candidate to support and start spreading the word.
Bush is going to do what he wants, regardless of American or global opinion and we're going to have to foot the bill and mop up after him whether we like it or not.
We need to replace this one trick pony with someone who can handle rebuilding a country left in economic ruin, and who has some basic dignity and common sense.
I am so sick of Bush he makes my jaw muscles clench. Watching him sleepwalk through his press conference last week while the White House Press Corps lobbed him easy questions underhanded was a waste of time.
Listening to him bullshit about spending billions of our dollars attacking Iraq is tiresome.
The only bright side of his abysmal presidential term is anticipating brighter days ahead when he's tossed out of office.
I can't wait till this trainwreck is over.

Outdoorsy Zipdrive

Gorgeous weekend weather in San Antonio, enough to actually make me go outside several times. I went to a nursery and got a mess of herbs to plant. I usually plant flowers in my flower pots on my front porch, but this year I am going mostly for edibles.
I planted spearmint, oregano, basil, cilantro and a miniature red rose bush.
A friend has a huge hot tub, so we stewed for a few hours last night. I was relaxed and totally serene afterwards, until I climbed out. Upon that effort, I clonked the side of my inner calf on a door or something and got an egg shaped bruise the size of Rhode Island.
So much for serene relaxation.
My neighbors were gardening today, too.
It was dueling stereos outdoors this afternoon, and I like to think I won.
Andy across the street was blasting country music. Another guy a few houses up was blasting Tejano. I selected the 2003 Grammy nominees CD and amped it up. The cat's fur was spiked, it was so loud.
For once, I liked the rap and Eminem nominees. They drowned out George Strait and that funky Tejano accordion music, and all the skateboarder kids on the block think I am cool.
When I came in, I turned that shit off.
The cats were pleased.

General Purpose Haiku

Dubya spoke last night
Pretended not to know yet
If we're attacking

I just wish one thing.
He'd pronounce it New-Klee-Er
Not New-Cue-Ler. Sheesh.

New diet fav'rite!
Soy beans are quite delicious
No gas shortage here!

Survivor heats up
Jesus freak got booted off
Praise the Lord, Amen!

Amazon is rough
Even Jeff Probst looks puny
Parasites inside?

Spring's come to Texas
Lawn is green and quite shaggy
Here comes a backache

Love Queen Latifah
Saw her act in "Chicago"
Bodacious bosom!

Went down one pantsize
So I bought some new khakis
I be's stylin' now.

As I get smaller
My cats getting much bigger
Butts like big canned hams

How Dare He?

There I was, sitting on the couch with an apple and 14 Jelly Bellys waiting for the Survivor theme song to start at 7 sharp.
Then I see the Residential Seal.
Survivor was pre-empted for an hour by a special (?) speech by the Resident.
The Chez Zipdrive switchboard lit up, people calling from all over the USA to get my reaction to the delay. My friends are evil.
I listened to the speech and the Q and A afterwards.
Here's some new things I learned from the emergency speech:

Survivor Picks for Tonight!

Now that we've had a chance to acquaint ourselves with the Jabberjaws and Tampaxi tribes, picking the losers may be a little easier.
For the men, my first thought was Roger to get the boot, but I'm going with "restaurant designer" Matthew. He's just a little too unctuous to have around.
Roger may be the stern daddy all the younger men resent, but deep in their hearts I think they like the security of having a big father figure around that spooky camp.
For the women, I'm thinking the 41-year-old Massachusetts married broad Jeanne may get the ax.
She's not that bad a person, she just doesn't have many allies in that tribe. Plus as the oldest member remaining, those younger cute bitches will be thinking Darwin and sacrifice the 'elderly' woman.
Your picks?

Give Me a Break!

Tommy Chong's company "Chong Glass Factory" and his home were raided by federal drug agents and other officials yesterday. They found a small amount of marijuana in his home and arrested him.
It was part of a nationwide DEA plan to close companies that manufacture and sell drug paraphernalia.
The bust was organized by Attorney General John Ashcroft.
Hold the phone!
You mean to tell me Ashcroft has so much time on his hands he's going after bong salesmen on the Internet?
Where is the Anthrax perpetrator? Where is Bin Laden?
Ashcroft is the man who had the breasts covered on priceless bronze sculptures of women in Washington, DC., so it doesn't surprise me that he tends to focus on crap while the world's falling apart.
But busting Tommy Chong? Wasn't that just a bit too easy?
The United States Attorney General has some serious international criminals to help apprehend, try and convict right now. Wasting his time on an aging pothead found holding a dime bag of weed is a waste of taxpayer money.
How can we take these feds seriously when they ignore the crucial work that must be done in favor of silly pot busts?
Ashcroft, get your head out of your ass and do your job, you clown.

Making a Rat Squeak

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, the John Belushi lookalike who's said to be the main planner of the 9/11 attacks and the murderer of WSJ reporter Daniel Perle is in custody, probably in Jordan, under the "care" of the CIA.
In a recent WSJ article saying what could and could not be done to him to make him reveal crucial information about Al Qaida, there's plenty of ways allowable to crack this nut.
They can deprive him of sleep. They can lie to him and scream at him. They can show him bogus documents. They can bring in mean, snarling dogs and rats and spiders and cucarachas.
They can pose as interrogators from countries that torture the hell out of prisoners. They can strip him and shave him. They can dress him in a pink gingham square dance dress if they want.
As long as the pain and suffering is (get this) "not severe" the interrogators are only limited by their imagination as to what they can do to this loser.
Let's just cut to the chase, shall we?
Buried in the article was this little gem:
"U.S. authorities have an additional inducement to make Mr. Mohammed talk, even if he shares the suicidal commitment of the Sept. 11 hijackers: The Americans have access to two of his elementary-school-age children, the top law-enforcement official says. The children were captured in a September raid that netted one of Mr. Mohammed's top comrades, Ramzi Binalshibh."

If this guy has any conscience, if he has any heart, if he is at all human, one glimpse of his little kids being poked or prodded should make him cave.
When we think of the innocent babies and little children who were killed on 9/11, we have to face that interrogators need to sweat this guy out for every scintilla of information he has so that no more babies are killed.
So I say yeah, trot out the little Mohammeds, threaten to give them the hot foot and let's make this creepy bastard start sweating bullets.

Rehnquist: Scratch My Kid's Back and I'll Scratch Your Bush

"WASHINGTON (March 5) - Janet Rehnquist, the daughter of Chief Justice William Rehnquist, is leaving her job as the Health and Human Services official who investigates fraud and waste in Medicare and a range of other social programs.
Congressional officials are investigating Rehnquist's management decisions as the HHS inspector general, but Bush administration aides said she was not pushed out...
She delayed an audit of Florida's pension fund at the request of a top aide to Gov. Jeb Bush, the president's brother. The delay ensured that the audit would not be completed until after the November election, in which Bush won a second term."

Hmm veddy interrresting!
Talk amongst yourselves...

An Easy Question

How come the United States gets to decide which countries can and cannot have nuclear weapons capability and other weapons of mass destruction?
We have all that stuff, so aren't we being a little hypocritical expecting other countries to disarm? Just thought I'd ask.

I Want to Cater Khalid Shaikh Mohammed's Meals

KZ: Good morning! For breakfast we have pork sausage with pork gravy, bacon, ham, and pork falafel.
KSM: I don't eat pork.
KZ: Well, isn't that too bad! Okay, how about some Jell-O?
KSM: Jell-O has hooves in it. I don't eat hooves.
KZ: Oh well, there goes breakfast!

KZ: Lunchtime! Enjoy your BLT.
KSM: I don't eat bacon.
KZ: Uh oh! Well, how about some plain biscuits with butter?
KSM: Do the biscuits contain lard?
KZ: Of course.
KSM: No lard.
KZ: Oh well, see you at dinner!

KZ: You must be starved! I made some babyback ribs!
KSM: Are they pork ribs?
KZ: You bet they are! And there's also green beans with bacon bits, bourbon baked beans and ice cream!
KSM: No pork ribs! No bacon bits! No alcohol! No whey!
KZ: No way?
KSM: No, no whey! Whey is in ice cream and it is mushbooh!
KZ: Mushbooh?
KSM: Yes, almost as bad as haram!
KZ: Well, if you can't eat my cooking, you better take some of this protein powder and some vitamins.
KSM: What kind of protein?
KZ: Lemme see here. Uh oh, it's whey protein.
KSM: No whey!
KZ: You got that right, you bastard.

How to Shake Down Khalid Shaikh Mohammed

As we all know, Bin Laden's 9/11 mastermind and Al Qaida bigwig Khalid Shaikh Mohammed was apprehended and is in custody of the CIA in an undisclosed location.
Since America does not sanction torture as a means of extracting information, I want to make some suggestions that would work in lieu of physical pain infliction.

• Strap him down and make him listen to "I've Never Been to Me" over and over until he cracks.
• Force feed him Spam casserole, made with pork rinds, Campbell's mushroom soup and potato chips.
• Shave his hairy back with a Lady Epilator and don't brush the hair off his scratchy wool sweater.
• Show him nonstop videos of a scantily clad Barbara Bush doing modern dance to Madonna songs.
• Bring in Jerry Falwell to preach the Gospel to him.
• Show him videos of Rosie O'Donnell in the birthing room with her girlfriend as she delivers another kid.
• Dye his hair honey blonde, put him in a Vegas showgirl costume and broadcast his image on Arab TV.
• Wake him each morning to the sound of Roseanne singing the Star Spangled Banner.
• Make him sleep on a sofa hide-a-bed with the big bar in the middle.
• Give him drinking water from the Los Angeles Municipal water supply.
• Hire some Israeli soldiers to give him "therapeutic massages."
• Get Yoko Ono in there to do anything she wants.

Blog Salad™

Sunday.
One tiny porcelain bottle of sake last night and I woke up with a big swollen pumpkin face. Having avoided alcohol since earlier last month when I had two beers with Indian food, my body is now openly rebelling against it.
It may be coincidental, but I also awakened with Don King hair. I am going to seriously consider giving up alcohol. After giving up chocolate, booze will be a snap to forego.
We grazed on sashimi and appetizers last night. Turned out the best part was the edimame (steamed soy beans). Who'd have thought soy beans could be the highlight of a meal? Just goes to show you how far I've fallen on the culinary ladder.
I watched the Grammys last week and was sad to discover how truly out of it I am. I remedied that by buying the 2003 Grammy Nominees CD, with a sampling of music I don't know from Adam. Some of the music was really great. Some was thoroughly annoying. Eminem was on the CD with a song called, "Without Me." I regret to say, the song was really good and the lyrics were very witty. So that's his deal, eh?
I finally got the Norah Jones CD, too. She may have been born in Brooklyn, but her musical education at North Texas State University gave her a very nice Texas twang. Ha! Just goes to show you, even a half-Indian girl from Brooklyn can succumb to the charms of Texas and channel it into her art.
It's 51º and cloudy this morning. Great bill paying weather, since I managed to skip that yesterday. Today will just be marking time until tonight when "Six Feet Under" makes its season debut at 8 p.m. central. Thank God, with Survivor and Six Feet Under back on TV, my life can resume some semblance of order.
I am a little scared to see what Brenda will be up to this season. She's such a headcase, watching her is like chewing aluminum foil. I have dated women like her and it's like taking a good drug with really bad side effects. Yikes.

Bloggy Saturday

It's foggy here today, which coincides nicely with my brain functioning.
Here's what I am avoiding today: bill paying, grocery shopping, laundry and litter box changing. Of the four, grocery shopping seems the least odious.
I saw "Kissing Jessica Stein" last night on video. Some women require a bit too much patience to bed down. That's all I'm saying.
I have to find the perfect socks for tonight. I am going out for Japanese food and they require shoelessness for tatami mat dining.
I have finally broken the three week plateau I was straddling and lost two more pounds this week. A greasy lunch at Dead Lobster this week convinced me I was inching back toward devil may care eating and shocked me back into grain, green veggie and protein world.
Yesterday I was so good. Eggs, boiled shrimp and high grain cereal made me feel lithe and loose as a racehorse (Clydesdales do race, don't they?). Then late last night I splurged on a banana and four Stoned Wheat crackers and awakened with a 121 glucose count.
My glucose meter keeps two and four week averages, and I just hate it when a high count fucks up my numbers.
My doctor loves to scroll the daily numbers and question me. "Hmm, on the afternoon of February 19 you hit 157, so what happened that afternoon?"
I can't remember what happened YESTERDAY afternoon, so I love to make up shit for him. "Uhh...lemme see, February 19, that was a Wednesday so that would be the soba noodles and shrimp bowl for lunch, followed by a nap."
He rubs his chin and takes a dramatic pause, meaning, "Well, you slothful, free-grazing cow, you better move those hamhocks of yours after a high carbie lunch, hmm?"
Skinny bastard.