Monday, March 03, 2003

How to Shake Down Khalid Shaikh Mohammed

As we all know, Bin Laden's 9/11 mastermind and Al Qaida bigwig Khalid Shaikh Mohammed was apprehended and is in custody of the CIA in an undisclosed location.
Since America does not sanction torture as a means of extracting information, I want to make some suggestions that would work in lieu of physical pain infliction.

• Strap him down and make him listen to "I've Never Been to Me" over and over until he cracks.
• Force feed him Spam casserole, made with pork rinds, Campbell's mushroom soup and potato chips.
• Shave his hairy back with a Lady Epilator and don't brush the hair off his scratchy wool sweater.
• Show him nonstop videos of a scantily clad Barbara Bush doing modern dance to Madonna songs.
• Bring in Jerry Falwell to preach the Gospel to him.
• Show him videos of Rosie O'Donnell in the birthing room with her girlfriend as she delivers another kid.
• Dye his hair honey blonde, put him in a Vegas showgirl costume and broadcast his image on Arab TV.
• Wake him each morning to the sound of Roseanne singing the Star Spangled Banner.
• Make him sleep on a sofa hide-a-bed with the big bar in the middle.
• Give him drinking water from the Los Angeles Municipal water supply.
• Hire some Israeli soldiers to give him "therapeutic massages."
• Get Yoko Ono in there to do anything she wants.

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