Saturday, March 29, 2003

Biting the Hand: Food and the War

• Call me a stickler, but when a healthy looking adult Iraqi male is standing in line, elbowing to get food and water from Satan's evil American catering truck, he should not choose that time to say on camera, "We hate America. We hate Britain Saddam is a good man."
That's just bad home training, as we'd say in Texas.
The humanitarian food distributors need to keep some cans of Spam handy for guys like that. Spam and Jell-O. Bon appetite, dude.
• I was at a military commissary today buying groceries. It looks like any ordinary grocery store, but they had MRE's for sale. Yep, for about $6.50 you too can eat chicken noodly stuff, gloppy side dishes and some gummy dessert just like the troops get. They are highly nutritional, if you consider carbohydrates nutritious. MREs have approximately 1,300 calories per meal with 55 percent of the calories from carbohydrates, 35 percent from fat and 15 percent from protein.
I thought about trying one, but I eat maybe 1,500 calories a day and I'll be damned if I use up almost all of them on one starchy meal in a mylar bag.
• Next week I hope to get the e-mail address of my gynecologist who was deployed to Kuwait. She's also a surgeon, so I imagine they have her stitching up some pretty nasty war injuries. I know she's tough and can handle the ravages of war injured patients, but she also has two toddlers at home I imagine she misses terribly.
Once I get her e-mail address I plan to get her APO address and send her some ass kicking homemade brownies, made with the finest of Venezuelan chocolate, macadamia nuts and a little Kahlua thrown in for good measure. MRE's my ass.
• Meanwhile the UN has unanimously voted in favor of resuming a food for oil exchange in Iraq. Despite what Iraqi leaders say about having plenty of food for their people, they apparently don't. I think the exchange rate should be one can of tuna=1 barrel of oil. Hey, it's a seller's market.
• Finally, I think the Bush administration, the Senate and Congress should go on voluntary MRE rations until the war is over. The only exception should be that Democratic legislator from Carolina who has a son named Brooks serving as a staff sergeant in the military.

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