Friday, January 29, 2010

Whew! Justice Served.

"WICHITA, Kan. — A man who says he killed prominent Kansas abortion provider Dr. George Tiller to protect unborn children has been convicted of murdering the doctor.

A jury deliberated for 37 minutes Friday before finding Scott Roeder guilty of premeditated, first-degree murder. The 51-year-old Kansas City, Mo., man faces a mandatory sentence of life imprisonment with the possibility of parole after 25 years.

Roeder testified that he shot Tiller in the head May 31 in the foyer of Tiller's church in Wichita because he believed Tiller posed an "immediate danger" to unborn children..."

Good. Let this be a lesson to wannabes who have similar crazy ideas.
Abortion is legal in the United States, and murder is not.
If you don't like abortion, don't have one.

Thursday, January 28, 2010


J.D. Salinger is dead at age 91.
I read The Catcher in the Rye as a teenager and thought only he knew teenaged angst as well as I.
His books also taught me to love New York City, especially NYC Jews.
I had a good friend/co-worker in my early 20s who was a classic fuck-up. Marie, as it turned out, could hardly read. So I bought her a copy of that book and she loved it so much she enrolled in a community college remedial reading class.
She ended up with a master's degree and a great career.
I read that Salinger, a devoted hermit, had a lousy personality and some pretty creepy habits.
No matter, that cat could write.
Man, That Man Can Give a Speech

I'll spare you the armchair parsing of Barack Obama's SOTU address, but suffice it to say there was enough substance in his words to make me believe in him again.
I loved how he hit on topics that would bring the Republicans to their feet--not because they believed in him, but because they'd look like the obstructionist jerks they are if they failed to stand and applaud.
As for Samuel Alito--fuck him and the horse he rode in on.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Oh, Barf

Gee, Octopussy Nada Nadia Suleman has a new bikini bod.
She claims she did not have plastic surgery to remove the skin tarp that used to be her pregnancy belly. Funny, she also claimed those Mick Jagger lips of hers also were real.
She claims that nightly, three-hour sessions at the gym have helped her regain her shape, post-litter.
Sure, 14 kids at home and she's got time to hit the gym every night.
We all saw her belly when she was pregnant; there was enough skin to create a teepee for a family of four. There were stretch marks that looked like Google maps of the entire U.S. freeway system.
After she whelped the 8 pups, that excess skin would have been hanging down around her knees.
And look at that new belly button. It looks like a coin slot on a Coke machine. Belly buttons are round. After delivering 14 kids, belly buttons are round and huge, like a pot hole.
I'm not a meteorologist, but I know when it's raining.
And I'm not a psychiatrist, but I can smell crazy from 1,500 miles away.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Will You Get a Fuckin' Load of This?!

Nonnie 9999 was kind enough to remind me of this horrid tidbit in my comments section of the French Bulldog clip.

So...this is a photo taken today of Sarah Palin appearing by satellite on Oprah's show.
Yep, only 14 months after Sarah Palin was knocked into the dusty pit of VP also-rans, gone are the high priced GOP stylists who spent more than 2 or 3 hundred grand on clothing and coiffing this Wasillabilly.
Goodbye, Jose Eber, hello WalMart beauty parlor!
Now that she's spending her own money, looks like Moosilla is shopping the Family Circle classifieds for low-priced hair attachments.
Yes, for only $11.95 plus shipping and handling, you too can add these pert and perky curls that all the girls want to have.
Just clip it and forget it!

And while we're on the topic of Palin being on Oprah today, Sarah and Bristol (who has sworn to be celibate until she's married, but that's a whole 'nother post) were standing in the kitchen of the Palin home and Oprah asked what was for dinner that night.
Sarah Palin looked like a deer in the headlights as she looked over at Bristol and mumble-asked if she knew. Bristol shrugged and looked blank, so Sarah composed herself and went to her go-to answer: "I think a nice, big crock pot full of moose stew on a cold night like tonight sounds really, really good, because it's so delicious, ya know, Oprah, and also it's very nutritious besides being delicious, and also too I think if we could feed moose stew to our beloved troops, brave young men and women that are fighting for our freedom, which is so very very important to our freedom!"

I almost didn't comment on the Conan/Leno battle because I don't watch either of them*, but recent news has made me start thinking Conan O'Brien is a world class asshole.
Who among us has ever been fired with a $32 million severance award, and another $13 for our displaced staff?
Conan could and should have had a little dignity in his exit, because frankly if his stint as the Tonight Show host had been a ratings bonanza for NBC, they would have never let him go.
But no, during his last week he pulled stunts like buying (or renting, it doesn't matter) a zillion dollar Bugatti and playing high-royalty Rolling Stones music just to stick NBC with a huge bill.
I am all for screwing former employers who done me wrong, but if anyone waved even a $50,000 severance award for canning me, I'd be the picture of grace and dignity upon my departure.
What really did it for me was when a friend of mine who works in NYC for NBC told me he'd see Conan in the building all the time and he couldn't be bothered to even say hello. How hard is it to say hello to someone who works for the same company as you?
What a turd.
I reiterate, if Conan had taken over The Tonight Show and grabbed some decent ratings, or even ratings equal to Jay Leno's before he left the show, NBC would have never canned him and given the show back to Leno.
I watched The Tonight Show with Conan hosting a few times, and I thought he was just a silly jerk who might appeal to high school boys, but not many others.
Even his interviews were marred by him interrupting, going for laughs and continuously calling attention to himself rather than the guest. He's a buffoon.
Rumor has it that Conan will be offered a late night spot at Fox in September when NBC releases him once and for all. Good. I'll know which channel to avoid.

*I watch Chelsea Lately or The Daily Show at that time slot. Both are funnier than Leno or O'Brien.
I Can't Seem to Get My Day Started Today

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Bend Over, Rick the Prick

I'm certainly no Kay Bailey Hutchison fan, and I'm not about to vote for her for Texas governor, but when I said she'd come screeching out of DC with her talons aimed at gay Rick Perry's saggy gubernatorial ass, I wasn't kidding.
I loved this ad because Perry is trying to do exactly as the ad implies, and I think it sucks. I love how succinctly this ad exposed the miserable crook.
Looks like Hutchison is ignoring the Democrats in the race and using her mega-million dollar campaign chest to run this ad several times a day, all over Texas.
Since I no longer consider myself a loyal Democrat, perhaps I'll vote in the Republican primary, not for Hutchison but against that sleezy bottom queen.
Good Job, Cindy.

In defiance against her grandfather- uhh- husband, Cindy McCain has posed for this ad against Proposition 8, aka H8, aka Hate. She's for gay marriage. So is her daughter Megan, who I kinda liked before this news came out.
C'mon Cindy, you've squeezed all the juice out of that wrinkly old lemon you married, I say divorce him and become a full time pro-gay diva. The boys will treat you like a goddess and the girls will be glad to go downtown with (on) you.
We suspected you might be cool before the election, but now we know you are.
Thanks for the props, girl.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Such Eloquence

Did you ever notice how Sarah Palin tends to talk in whirlpools that always end in some watery, patriotic platitude?
Check this out:

During her first week as a Fox News contributor, Palin was coy about the possibility of a 2012 presidential run. "You know, I'm not going to close any doors for my future, for my family's future -- don't know what's in the future, what it holds, but between now and whenever a big decision has to be made, I'm gonna do all that I can to help our country get back on the right track, and that's to get a message out there about solutions that I believe and a whole lot of Americans believe need to be plugged in," she told her audience.

After reading that quote I thought about how she might answer other questions.

Q: What are your views on health care reform?

A: Well, you gotta realize that it's all very expensive, I mean like medicine, even over the counter medicine, and the doctors and nurses and tests and all. And what we do know is we don't want government death panels or government takeovers of the health system that so valiantly has served us so beautifully well all these years, especially our beloved troops, whom I think we all believe are vital to the security of this great nation of ours, really since the beginning of time when George Washington had his roughriders defending us against the enemy at every door jamb.

Q: Why do you think the Republican party is in a better position to lead the country?

A: Well, I have toured all around the big beautiful, really fantastic nation of ours and I can say with true sureity that the vast amounts of peoples are good old fashioned family values types who believe in the Lord and the ultimate power of the families-- which includes a mom and a dad who work hard to put food on tables across this glorious nation. And of course we cannot forget the troops who sacrifice their families and their homely comforts to go to war areas and risk their lifes and limbs to protect the people back home. And that's really what it's all about: the red white and blue flag flappin' over hillsides and seasides and the town hall buildings and really just about every town and city you go to.

Q: Who do you consider the greatest leader in the Senate?

A: Well, there are a lot of really, really great Republican Senators who work really with great diligence to serve the amazing people of these United States of America.
And the best ones are those ones that step forward and support our troops in as many ways as they possibly can, ya know? What we don't need are liberals who want to cut the troops and keep them from performing their proper war duties in defending this great nation of ours. Because, you know, that's what REAL Americans truly want to see.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Commence the Grave Rolling

As I write this, it's assumed that bigoted, homophobic Republican Scott Brown has trounced Democrat Martha Coakley for the Massachusetts Senate seat Teddy Kennedy held for 47 years.
So much for the 60-seat majority, Democrats.
So much for Obama's high spirited, last minute Hail Mary pass when he flew to Massachusetts to help stump for Coakley.
So much for bluer than blue Massachusetts being a reliable Democratic stronghold.
I'd say so much for the health care reform bill passing, but it's already such a watered down piece of shit, who cares if it passes?
There's a phrase called jury nullification, when the jury has a strong bias for the defendant or against the police or prosecutors.
In the case of this election, looks to me like the Massachusetts voters decided to send a message to Obama and the Democrats.
They are pissed off about a lot of things, and they've obviously forgotten how America got into this mess to begin with.
I don't know much about Martha Coakley, but from what I've read, she just assumed she'd win so she phoned in her campaign efforts.
I wish I could wring my hands and express righteous indignation about these election results, but I'm not even a little surprised.
Since Obama won the election and the Democrats totally neutered the GOP, they've all seemed to stop pedaling and let the furiously pedaling GOP pass them up.
Democratic Senate leaders have been wishy-washy and meekly allowed the GOP to act as if they were in the majority.
Obama's demeanor has been all Jimmy Carter and zero LBJ. He's turned out to be weak.
Democratic Congressmen Alan Grayson and Dennis Kucinich have been the only Democrats who've shown the kind of candor and fire we should demand of our legislators.
The outcome of the Massachusetts Senate race perfectly illustrates why I am burnt out on politics.
I don't hope anymore.
I don't believe anymore.
Masachusetts fucked up when they elected Mitt Romney as their governor.
Now they've done it again with this new clown.

Monday, January 18, 2010

I Love the Golden Globes!

I think if the producers of the annual Golden Globe Awards want to ensure great ratings, they should select two A List actors to do what Sandra Bullock and Meryl Streep are doing in this picture.
Man, woman, straight, gay or bisexual, admit it! We'd all like to kiss the hell out of either one of these gorgeous women.
For next year, I'd like to nominate Charlize Theron and Shakira. Wowzah.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Hilariously Odious

I tried to watch last night's debate between Texas GOP gubernatorial candidates
Kay Battleax Hutchison, Rick the Prick Perry and unknown Debra Medina, but after 19 minutes of nausea, I clicked over to a rerun of Keeping Up With the Kardashians.
The most hilarious result of the debate was all the polls about who we think won the debate. The big nobody Debra Medina is leading with more than 70% of the vote, and that's in polls all over Texas.
I'm so glad my fellow Texans have discovered that Perry and Hutchison are a couple of phonies with horrible personalities, and even more horrible plans for Texas.
YAY! Now if Medina can win the primary, the Democrats can beat her like a bad habit, with virtually anyone with a pulse.

Thursday, January 14, 2010


I went to the bank's drive-up window today to make a deposit and started getting really pissed because the wait was so inordinately long.
I sat there in my car fidgeting--popping mints, cleaning out my purse, flipping through CD's and otherwise getting more and more steamed because of the long wait.
The teller looked kind of flustered, but I figured she must be new so I didn't bother to complain, or even ask about the long wait.
Then I came home and started watching the news, only to discover that the very same bank was being robbed inside while I was in the drive-up lane outside.
The bank surveillance tape showed a short young Hispanic guy, wearing a hoodie and dark glasses. So basically, 65 percent of San Antonians are suspects.
He got away with $10,000.
Diane Sawyer Has Some Enormous Cajones

I think Diane Sawyer has proven to be about 200 percent better at being ABC's new evening news anchor than anyone in recent history.
But what has really impressed me about her since taking the anchor position is her willingness to go on assignment to the biggest, most dangerous shitholes on Earth.
Last week she was dodging bombs and bullets in Afghanistan, now she's in Haiti wading through rubble, dead bodies and so much human misery it's a wonder she's not sobbing on camera.
She's in her 60's and married to zillionaire Director Mick Nichols, but rather than staying in her mansion or spending her time shopping and traveling to the world's most glamorous vacation spots, she's out there doing journalism's heaviest lifting.
She was being wasted on Good Morning America. She's much better suited to The Big Gig.
A Very Sweet Story

I saw this on Oprah today and it touched me, unlike most maudlin human interest stories.
It seems a little boy named Aaron lost his beloved twin brother named Eric at age 9, when he died of a brain tumor.
Aaron was inconsolable over the loss of his twin, so rather than just dope him up with antidepressants, his pediatrician asked him what he liked to do and the kid said cooking.
So the doctor gave him $20 to buy cooking supplies and asked for a business plan.
The kid lit up on the way home and his mom took him shopping for cookie supplies.
He named his new company DoughJangles and returned to his doctor the next week with an itemized list of how he spent the $20, and a tray filled with cookies he'd baked.
Aaron then decided to donate a portion of the profits to organizations that had helped his brother as he was dying.
Anyway, Aaron used one of Paula Deen's cookie recipes in his new business. She's his culinary idol and he watches all her shows.
Deen heard about it and appeared on Oprah with Aaron and his mother today to surprise the kid.

Then Paula Deen gave the kid a gift certificate to Lowe's for $10,000 so he could get a new stove, mixers and other gear to grow his cookie business.
She's also flying the kid to Tennessee to tour her studio, watch her live and learn more about her retail businesses.
I hope this kid has a very prosperous and happy life.
I just love sweet, considerate kids who turn tragedies in their lives into triumphs.
Nice story, huh?

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Monday, January 11, 2010

Speaking of Bad TV Shows

Oh my God.
I can't watch A&E's "Hoarders," a show about people whose homes are overtaken by clutter and filth.
I tried watching it twice, but it made me want to stay up all night and clean my house with Q-Tips and a bottle of alcohol.
Hey, I'm not exactly a sensational housekeeper, but damn.
I tend to collect a lot of crap like books, shoes, clothes, CD's, DVDs and other stuff, but damn, the people featured on this show are batshit ca-ra-zy.
When a crew came in to clean this one old lady's house, they actually found the dessicated carcasses of two of her house cats! She didn't even notice the smell after they got swallowed up by the mess and died.
When I was little, we lived next door to this very nice family who had five sons. The wife was lazy and their house was a bit like a Hoarders house. There's no odor quite like that of five active boys' socks and shoes, their dog's crap and a sink filled with a month's worth of dirty dishes.
My mom used to keep a hankie sprayed with perfume when she'd visit their house.
But even their house was nothing compared to these Hoarder homes.
I'd write more, but I have a sudden urge to vacuum and mop.
Have you seen Hoarders?
What's the dirtiest place you've even been to?
The Bachelor: Worst Show on TV

Originally, I would have chosen "The Girls Next Door" as the creepiest TV show ever. I mean, what could be worse than watching the 82-year old Hugh Hefner slobbering his denture breath all over three women so stupid that they missed being bimbos by about 30 IQ points?
But after seeing only 11 minutes of The Bachelor, I'm convinced the women vying for the affection of this Opie Taylor-esque cornball bachelor named Jake Pavelka, are the most insipid women on Earth.
The scandal for tonight is that one of the whores--ooops, I mean contestants, has been carrying on a sloppy, wet, torrid affair with one of the show's producers. The bachelor has the nerve of reacting to the news by saying, "I've never been cheated on before, and this really hurts."
WHAT!? Cheating on him, is he kidding?
This is a man who has about a dozen bikini-clad tramps humping him at a time in hopes of scoring a coveted rose.
When the girls get one on one time with Pavelka, they're already so soused on champagne they're slurring their words. They use these precious moments to say things like, "Uhh, I just want to say that, like, you are really, really a great guy that I, like, can really really see myself marrying, like forever...hahahahahah!"
"When I first saw you, I was, like, wow he's so totally hawt!"
"You can land your jet on my runway any time!"
"I'd really like to sit in/on your cockpit! I'll bet it's a well-endowed cockpit...wink, wink."
If I had a magic lamp, I'd most like to watch this show in the company of Gloria Steinem, Chelsea Handler, Nancy Grace and my Big Sister. I swear I'd have to wear a Depends to keep the pee off the couch.
Have you seen it?
The Human Equivalent of a Singing Trout Joins Fox News

Well, well, well.
The folks who love the fried catfish n' biscuits at Cracker Barrel have something to cheer about. Sarah Palin will "go back to her broadcasting roots" and join Fox News as a correspondent.
Her "broadcasting roots" consist of announcing high school hockey scores in Mucktuck, Alaska, to an audience of 40.
Now as a Fox Newsgirl, she can wink and smirk her way into America's living rooms from Shinola, Oklahoma to Jerkoff, New Jersey.
I think it's a perfect venue for her.
In fact, if Palin was a news channel she'd BE Fox News.
All Fox News needs now is a religious show on Sundays hosted by the God Hates Fags Minister Fred Phelps.
The question is, will you be watching?
If not, what would you rather watch?

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Why Keeping Up With the Kardashians is So Popular

I was totally ready to hate the E! channel's "Keeping Up With the Kardashians."
First, as an amateur expert on the murder trial of O.J. Simpson, I watched the late attorney Robert Kardashian sitting at the murderer's defense table throughout the trial. I assumed he was either an idiot or an asshole being such tight friends with that cowardly bastard.
Two things exonerated Robert Kardashian for me.
First, his stunned reaction to the not-guilty verdict signaled the beginning of the end for their friendship. It was obvious that Kardashian knew he was guilty and was horrified by the verdict. He did not attend the civil trial, where Simpson was found responsible for Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman's murders and ordered to pay both victims' families millions of dollars.
Then I found out that Kardashian was secretly feeding my favorite writer, the late Dominick Dunne, lots of unflattering dish about the post-trial Simpson's sordid afterlife.
When he died, I felt a little sad.
Anyway, while channel surfing one night when there was absolutely nothing else on, I stumbled across "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" and decided to watch it, much like reluctantly craning my neck as I pass by a car wreck on the freeway.
It seemed to me at first that the show's cast had all the components of a loathsome family: an aging Olympian stepfather with a bad face lift (Bruce Jenner), a wicked mother (Kris Jenner, who gave birth to four kids with Robert Kardashian), and their kids-- the Kardashian sisters, Robert Junior and two young teen girls who Jenner fathered.
The show focuses at first glimpse on their "lifestyle"--the cash, the flash, the unearned celebrity and the general life of leisure superficiality common to celebrity TV families.
But after getting a little hooked, I was shocked to realize some very positive things about these people.
First, they are all very affectionate with one another, and you can tell they were reared to be gentle and kind hearted.
They are also hard working kids,
Daughters Kourtney and Khloe own a very successful boutique chain called DASH, where they both work as shopkeepers. Kim Kardashian "acts," does some modeling and is launching a perfume line. And God help me, after the revulsion wore off, I realized she's actually quite beautiful.
The drama comes in with their romantic lives and the family's reaction to them. Boundaries are not very strong with this bunch.
The eldest daughter Kourtney just gave birth to her boyfriend Scott's baby. Scott is an immature, arrogant, unemployed, squeaky-voiced pretty boy who the rest of the family can't stand because he's such a lazy bum.
Kim is the middle child, and she has issues about exaggerating, lying, and her on and off again boyfriend, NFL player Reggie Bush. They have recently reconciled, but she was credibly inconsolable while they were apart. Her depression was almost endearing to watch.
Khloe at age 25 is spoiled, petulant and makes no bones about hating Scott, her sister's baby daddy.
She was there when they first broke up, and she's hated Scott ever since.
She recently married L.A. Lakers Lamar Odom after just one month of dating, but away-games for the Lakers give her plenty of time to meddle in her family's business.
Turns out Lamar Odom is a real sentimental giant who lost his mother at age 12, so he's very pleased to be part of this nutty bunch. He and Khloe are very hot for each other, and it's amusing to watch. Like them, he seems like a very sweet guy. His wife needs to grow up and deal with her aggression, though.
Baby Brother Rob, 22, is lovesick after losing his girlfriend Adrian because he cheated on her. He's a model for Dolce and Gabbana, but he's actually very kind and tender with his family and friends. His cheating ran off the love of his life, and his sadness and guilt are palpable.
I think the show has huge ratings because there's so much subtext once one wades through the veneer of superficiality. It was shocking to find all of them so damn likable.
Except for bratty Khloe, they're all very kind, even when they're angry with each other.
Scott the bum/baby daddy has no job so he hangs out by the Jenner's pool sunning himself while he asks the young Jenner daughters to fetch him beers.
If I were Bruce Jenner, I'd wring the little jerk's neck. Instead, Jenner sat the kid down and calmly explained the importance of supporting Kourtney while she's pregnant. The kid bought it and started helping out in planning for the baby (she recently delivered a baby boy).
I think Jenner is interesting because he seems to be extremely low on testosterone. He looks like a lesbian golf pro for starters, and his wife Kris totally wears the pants in the family. He works as a motivational speaker, a common vocation for an ex-Olympic gold medal winner, but at home he's Casper Milqetoast.
The shocking thing about "Keeping Up With the the Kardashians" was how my initial negative reaction has changed into a fairly sincere interest in these nutty people.
Of all the abysmal, quasi-celebrity family reality shows, "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" is arguably the classiest one of the bunch.
Try as I might, I just can't dislike these people.
Except for Scott...he's a total douchebag.

I know it must be horrifying to read a peppy review of "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" on my often-cynical blog. But they won me over somehow and I make no apologies.
Do any of you watch it? What's your take on it?

Monday, January 04, 2010

New Reality Show!
From Karen Zipdrive, it's the new reality show that's sweeping the nation!

Yes, it's Garage Sale! the exciting new show that takes you from garage sale to yard sale to flea markets all over the South!
See the tattered merchandise, watch the fights between eager buyers, see the crap people will pay good money for!
If you like MTV's Jersey Shore, Bravo's The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Shamwow ads, or even people watching at Walmart, you'll love Garage Sale!
Now that Jon and Kate are gone, weep no more! Garage Sale! will please even the most discriminating crapoholic. If you love Hoarders, you'll love Garage Sale!
Why I Still Love America Even Though We Sometimes Suck

I just love a good mob dance.
And the Blackeyed Peas (and Oprah) could only happen in America.
You can take your Indonesian prisoners dancing to "Thriller," Americans fucking rule at mob dancing.
Oh yes we do.

Sunday, January 03, 2010

Best Songs of the Decade

Here's my official Top Ten from 2000 to 2009, in no particular order. If you can improve on it, go for it.

1. Crazy: Gnarls Barkley
2. Back to Black/Rehab: Amy Winehouse
3. Single Ladies: Beyonce
4. Don't Know Why: Norah Jones
5. Thank You: Dido
6. Hot in Here: Nelly
7. Not Ready to Make Nice: Dixie Chicks
8. This Love: Maroon 5
9. Don't Cha: Pussycat Dolls
10. Believe: Cher