Friday, November 30, 2012

Honest, God, I've Been Trying to Clean Up My Language

Recently I've been trying not to curse so much. It had gotten to the point where I used the word fuck (or variations of it) in almost every other sentence I uttered. Now comes Arizona's Governor Jan Brewer and her new law that prohibits Mexican Nationals from obtaining drivers' licenses in Arizona, even if they have legitimate permits that allow them to be employed in America. She's such a petty skank whore woman, I just want tobeat her to death with a fucking baseball bat ask her why she's so fucking adamant,vindictive and intolerant toward Mexican immigrants. Did one of them ass rape her as a child, or what? Sure, she's a fucking racist bitch Republican, but must she be such a bitch carry things to such motherfucking obvious extremes? I never cared for Arizona because it's hotter than Hell and home to so many honky white bastards and bitches because of its long standing idiotic racist conservative extremism, but with this hateful old seahag Governor Brewer at the helm, it's actually gotten worse. Why, even knocked up whore bitch Bristol Palin chose to move to Arizona because the dump is as horrible as she is of its right-wing political climate. Simply put, Jan Brewer is a dried up piece of lizard shit Ms. Brewer is making a negative impact on an already fucked up the state she represents. I hope she drops dead of a heat stroke I hope she evolves into a likable person one day which will never happen because she is the spawn of Satan. and becomes a more compassionate and a less loathesome bitch person.

I Have a Dream

Back in the 2008 primary season, I got into it with many of my liberal and/or progressive friends because I preferred Hillary Clinton over Barack Obama. I liked Obama, I just thought Hillary would do a better job than Barack. I also was leery of Michelle back then, but I have grown to love and admire her. Four years later, Hillary has done a magnificent job as Obama's Secretary of State, and national and international polling about her job approval ratings have maintained very high marks throughout her tenure. Before that, her performance in the Senate also drew high marks, even from her Republican Senate colleagues. Judging by Bill Clinton's enthusiastic campaigning for President Obama's second term in office, it was obvious to me that Bill was paving the way for Obama to wholeheartedly endorse Hillary in the 2016 presidential race. I adore Hillary, and I think Bill Clinton was the best president we've had in the last 30 years. To think that President Hillary Clinton would have her husband to advise her is the very definition of the term, "value added." I do have a dream. I dream of Hillary winning the 2016 Democratic primary, and her choosing Michelle Obama as her running mate. With that ticket, the world would see America's evolution, and our global street cred would be astronomically high. I think Jeb Bush is already gearing up to run for president in 2016, and after eight years of us enduring his moronic big brother in the oval office, I doubt that the American electorate will want to risk another Bush catastrophy. So, a Hilary and Michelle ticket. What do you think?

Thursday, November 15, 2012

We Proved It, So Let's Keep Proving It

After President Obama trounced Romney in the election and guys like Karl Rove made utter fools of themselves by ripping off a lot of greedy millionaires, now the news brings us loads of restaurant chain owners and franchisees bitching about the cost of Obamacare. Now that we know that some restaurants we may visit or stores we may shop at are dirty right-wing rats, let's boycott them. Here's my partial list:
Some are being boycotted because they're bitching about Obamacare, some because their food sucks, Macy's because they pay Donald Trump, and I didn't add Walmart's logo because I'm lazy. Are you boycotting any companies because their political views do not reflect your values, or for any other reasons? Do tell!

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Uh Oh, It's the Pucker Face

I've been waiting to see this facial expression. The pucker face represents the last gasps of anyone's political career, and here's Mitt's version.
Classy, huh? Now let's take a little walk down Pucker Memory Lane:
And for desert, please feast your eyes on this article, about how Mitts made millions by investing in Chinese companies he was outsourcing American jobs to. It's kind of like hiring a hitman to kill your wife, then after she's dead, stealing the money you paid the hitman right out of his pocket. Stay classy, Mitts.

The Secret, Leather-Bound Journal of Mitt Romney

Today's entry: Tales from the Campaign Trail Gee willikers, and I thought running Bain Capital was tricky. This race for president is lots harder than being the President, CEO, CFO, Chairman of the Board, Proprietor, Owner and sole Shareholder of Bain. No sir, back then I didn't have to answer to every low income, snot nosed kid who wagged his "high tech" microphone thingy in my face while he had taco or falafel stains on his inexpensive shirt or necktie. Why, these reporters and pundints act as if they have a right to pry into my personal business and demand proof of taxes I paid and such, rather than taking my word for things--like the way my subordinates used to do at Bain. Just the other day, Ann and I were having a "rap session," as the kids like to call them these days, and I was explaining to her how America has gotten so down at the heels they even have FEMALE reporters disrespecting me by asking questions that are frankly none of their business. Ann agreed that a woman's true calling was to look pretty, and be there for her husband and sons in the home, not in the boardroom or TV studio like some sort of masculine "she-male" type. Why sure, I allow Ann to have her hobbies like owning a few horses, shopping and such, but our faith has it right: Eve was created from Adam's rib, and to act as if she's all high and mighty is not only disgraceful, it's a sign of weakness on her husband's part, not to be able to keep his wife in line. Why, I even allow Ann to speak to the media once I have vetted her remarks, so how dare they imply that I am old fashioned and not "groovy" enough for the times? With each passing day the media has come up with some new, so-called "disgraceful" item about me. Now someone has obviously used something called "The Photoshop" to create the illusion of me speaking at a private fundraising dinner, and simply telling the truth that the media refuses to tell: that 47 percent of all Americans pay no income tax whatsoever, and 3 out of every 7 Americans are entirely dependent on the government for their food, shelter, clothing, automobiles, and even their housekeepers, gardeners and pet food expenses. And it happens to be true that had I had Mexican parents, the world would be calling me "Senior Presidente" by now. I'd like to see these welfare abusing tax dodger reporters try to make it in the world as a white male who worked hard, only to be penalized and taxed at rates as high as 7 or 8 percent. Oh sure, father willed a few dollars to me, as did Ann's parents to her, but we both gave all the money away so that we could make a success of our lives without any help. As God is my witness, the only way father helped me as a kid was to pay for prep schools, college, graduate school, Harvard Law School, room and board, a small stipend, a modest new automobile every year, and Ann's and my first home. The media acts as if not all parents are willing to give their kids a small head start like that! What world are they living in? And now they have tarred and feathered me with claims that I am what they call a "flip flopper." Anyone with even a state university graduate degree will tell you that ALL politicians must make statements that the voters want to hear so they will vote for you! For Heaven's sake, how hard is that to comprehend? Things I said when I was running for governor of Massachusetts HAD TO SOUND liberal or I never would have won. Now I have to sound extra-extra conservative because those are the dictates of the Republican party, nothing more! There's no deceit present on my part, it's simply a game we fellows like to call "politics." Truth be told, I don't give much thought to social "hot buttons," as they are called, because I believe that if a man wants to succeed in life, he must borrow a few dollars from his father for the first 30 or so years of his life, then he must stand up and be a man! These reporters, especially the non-male, non-white, non-Christians of the lot pretend to act incredulous when I explain to them the ABC's of a man making a success of his life. They act as if the simple economics of making millions in a company without the company actually making anything to sell is some sort of magic show! How hard is it to understand? You simply purchase an ailing company for pennies on the dollar, remove its cash and other assets, then you either fire or outsource their employees to a country that better understands what labor is truly worth, then you close the company down and sell the building. If the bulding is a ramshackle eyesore, which it often is, you simply abandon it and let the local government decide what to do with it. And then you deduct the loss on your income tax. Oh sure, it's one thing to expect the government to spoon-feed the average Jose or Mohammed, but when it comes to the government's true function, such as dealing with abandoned buildings, then it's somehow wrong? It makes no sense. As the kids today say, "It's all wacky!" Still, I am not bitter. Though I have worked my fingers to the bone to achieve a modicum of success and managed to save a few dollars toward retirement (unlike others, I do not expect the government to pave my retirement with free bricks of gold) I remain God's humble servant and a man of humility and good nature. Of course, if I were a Negro, Mexican, Muslim or even a woman I'd feel pretty good about what November will bring, but even with the burden of being an average white "dude" as the kids say, I still think I might have a shot at the Oval Office. God willing.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Voting For Mitt Romney?

Make a pro Romney comment on my blog. Let's argue about why you're an idiot if you support this conniving, lying piece of crap. Bring facts, not fantasy and I will, too. But first watch the video, and see him flip-flopping his ass off. Then you can explain why this liar is a man we can trust.

Friday, August 31, 2012

It's All Elephant Shit to Me

The thing about the GOP when George W. Bush was around is that they were at least amusing to watch. Now with Mitts "Outsource King" Romney, they're all just boring. Fox News will be dumping Sarah the Grifter Palin from their payroll soon, so her star is tarnished and bent, much like her whore daughter Brisket's reputation. Let's face it--even Fox News would rather see Obama win a second term because at least that gives them something to bitch about on their newscasts. Clint Eastwood was the best the GOP could come up with at their hurricane-plagued convention. His speech was like any 82-year-old's--rambling, vague and speaking to someone who wasn't in the room. The GOP had lied so often, everyone is bored with hearing the same lies again. If Mitt Romney is the best they have to put forward, they are sunk. Sure, they have Chris Christie waiting in the wings for 2016, that is if his strained heart can continue to carry about his 400+ pounds than much longer. I read all sorts of news bits about Mitts winning the election. How can that be, when even Fox News seems lukewarm about that phony bastard? Here's who will vote for Romney: one percenters, racists and imbeciles. It's all so very boring.

Monday, July 02, 2012

Why TomKat Are Divorcing

Zipdrive's Celebrity Corner The Cruise Holmes Divorce
I make no apologies for being intrigued by reading the lurid details regarding the upcoming Katie Holmes & Tom Cruise divorce. The most common speculation for Katie wanting a divorce are: 1. He's gay. 2. His church of Scientology is a creepy cult. 3. He's divorced all his wives once they reach the age of 33. 4. Katie didn't want the church to snatch up Suri and take her to planet Nubulon for programming and induction. 5. He's very controlling. 6. He works too much. 7. He and John Travolta were caught having sex in the men's room of the Scientologist's Celebrity Centre in Los Angeles. 8. He's only 5'2" and all of his body parts are in proportion, including his 2.5 inch penis. 9. He knocked up Adele. Oh sure, any of these reasons might be true, but I am here to tell you why all of Cruise's marriages have gone belly up. Examine the photo closely. Look at that smile. His front tooth is in the middle of his face, directly under his nose! Tell me who could stand looking at that oddity for more than a few years, max? I'll bet when he talked, Katie Holmes would get so caught up staring at that freaky centered tooth she never heard a word he said. It must be kind of like talking to someone who has a bright green booger dangling from one of his nostrils, or someone with a pinto bean skin stuck to his front tooth. Who can focus on anything with that shit going on? Yep. I'll bet Tom gave Katie one of his huge movie star smiles once too often, and she said, "Look, Shorty, you have an abnormal tooth in the middle of your face and I can't do this anymore. You being a gay, workaholic, Scientologist, dwarf didn't bother me, but that goddamn tooth is a nightmare." You heard it here first. You're welcome.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Farewell, Sweet Bettie

Legendary Texas political powerhouse Bettie Naylor passed away last night peacefully in her sleep.
Bettie was a powerhouse lobbyist in Texas for many years, advocating for gays, women and the adult film industry.
A friend of both Democrats and reasonable Republicans, Bettie's charisma, chutzpah and huge personality allowed her to make a gigantic impact in the Texas legislature, helping legislators see the light and pass laws more favorable to women, gays and lesbians and other disenfranchised groups.
Her accomplishments were too numerable to list, and her friends included Ann Richards, Betty DeGeneres, Lily Tomlin, Phyllis Diller, Bob Bullock, and a million others.
Bettie helped found the Human Rights Campaign, America's largest gay and lesbian lobby.
Professional accolades aside, Bettie was the mother of my sister's partner of 25 years, Sharron. I always referred to her as my sister's "lover-in-law."
Family occasions usually included Bettie, who always livened up the day with hilarious stories and insider information on Texas politics.
She leaves behind her partner Libby Skyora, whom she called the love of her life.
She also leaves behind so many people whose lives she touched and loved her dearly.
Rest in peace, sweet lady. I love you, girl.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Sorry, Mitts, But You've Been Punked.

What's the first word you think of when you hear the name Dan Quayle?
Now, thanks to one of Mitt Romney's dimwitted political staffers, the Etch-a-Sketch will forever be associated with Romney's shallow, wishy washy political ideology.
We liberals don't like admitting that Romney was a very moderate, sometimes even liberal governor of Massachusetts. But behind closed doors, we wink and nod and say that he's faking being such a hard-line conservative just to get the GOP nomination, and God forbid if he becomes president, all that ultra conservative bullshit will disappear, much like a slightly shaken Etch-a-Sketch.
As for the Etch-a-Sketch itself, we Americans have gotten so dumbed-down we need our political imagery to be simple.
Mitt Romney's politics are flip floppy. Like an Etch-a-Sketch, they can change with very slight prompting. OH, I GET IT NOW.
Watch and see, once the race begins and it's Obama versus Romney, the Democrats will be purchasing and distributing Mini Etch-a-Sketches like campaign buttons.
Though it's hard to believe that a simple child's toy like this can bring down a presidential candidate but like Quayle's potatoe, the deed has been done.

Friday, March 09, 2012

The GOP Primary Comedy Tour

One thing you can say about the GOP primary, the slate of candidates have managed to make each other look as insane and smarmy as any Democratic strategist could have done.
I maintain that the GOP intentionally fielded this slate of zealots, creeps and losers so Obama could win a second term.
Why? Because the budget, though improved a respectable amount, is still fucked up and the Republicans want to wait until the Democratic incumbent restores it so they can come in four years later to loot and plunder it once again.
Why else would the GOP permit the likes of Rick Perry, Michele Bachmann and Ron Paul to enter the race?
Does anyone reading this sincerely believe that the presumptive winner Mitts Romney was truly the best candidate they could field?
Seriously, the GOP thinks the Bain Capital guy who belongs to a religious cult and has secret bank accounts in the Cayman Islands and Switzerland is the creme de la creme?
All Barack Obama has to do to sail to victory is to play excerpts from the 1,001 GOP debates and let the voters review The Creep Show for themselves.
This all would be hilarious if only the truth was not so ugly and frightening.
To think that a slimy, corpulent reptile like Newt Gingrich was even allowed to enter the primaries after his reprehensible political history shows us that the party of All American Family Values is anything but that.
How embarrassing it must be to be a Republican these days.
You'd think after foisting off Bush and Dick on the American public for eight years, they'd want to restore a semblance of respectability by running a credible primary.
Tell me in the comments, if you had to vote for anyone who was in this GOP primary, who would you choose? No fair saying nobody, you have to select one.
Good luck.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Why Santorum Failed to Pull It Off, or Out as the Case May Be

Santorum, noun: sanTORum
The sometimes frothy, usually slimy amalgam of lubricant, stray fecal matter and ejaculate that leaks out of the receiving partner's anus after a session of anal intercourse.

The moral of the story: never upset gay men who know how to achieve maximum Google exposure.
I know it's been used to death, but like a good Village People song, some words never get tiring to hear.

Adios, mofo.
Why They Lost

The Secret Diary of Mitt Romney

Golly gee, who'd a thunk that Catholic guy Dick Santorium in the sweater vests would have gotten as close as he did?
And Newt, with his three wives--and I don't mean simultaneous marriages, either, I mean wear one out and get another! Such a sinner!
People may snigger at the LDS way, making fun of our magic undergarments and such, but by golly gee whillikers, I guess we showed 'em in Arizona and Michigan.
And by golly, to heck with the naysayers, what's wrong with Mrs. Romney and I having a little money saved up?
Some say I should be ashamed that I worked hard for Bain Capital and received only a few thousand dollars an hour for my expertise. Some even think it wrong that I spread my money into Swiss and Cayman bank accounts. Why, doesn't everyone do that?
I am raring to go against Hussein Obama, you can be darn tootin' of that.
I think all good Americans know his Socialist Kenyan roots mean only one thing-Muslim.
But of course I don't plan to negatively campaign against him. I'm sure folks just take a look at the missus and me and see Ward and June Cleaver, and they look at the Obamas and see H. Rap Brown and his wife Angela Davis.
Is that the America we grew up in? For gosh sakes, no.
Look, the Good Lord will tell you I'm a humble man of humble origins.
I had to work hard for every cent my father bequeathed me, and I'm not ashamed to roll up my sleeves and watch that money grow, untaxed in Switzerland and the Caymans like the Good Lord intended.
Yesirree, I think once the wonderful American people take a look at the two candidates, things will be as clear as black and white.
In fact, once the LDS leader spoke to God, he realized that yes, even those people should be allowed in most LDS temples. Sure, maybe not The Big One in Salt Lake City, but these things take time.
Let's give the American voters credit.
They gave the negro a fair chance and he's just not the right kind of president.
You and I know it, diary, we just have to keep that on the QT until I am sworn in.
I know just what to do with the economy. You bet I do.

Saturday, February 11, 2012


Like with Amy Winehouse, I feel shocked but not not surprised that Whitney Houston died today at age 48.
I can't imagine being born into a family of singing legends, then becoming a talent who outshined them all, only to squander it all in a haze of crack smoke.
This performance occurred only two days, ago and you can hear that the instrument she was given was irreparably damaged.
I think the coroner will probably say she died from a drug overdose.
As morbid as it might seem, if she did die from drugs I hope it was heroin and not crack cocaine.
At least heroin has an historical context, with many black female divas succumbing to that drug before she did.
Crack is so whoreish and dirty and desperate.
Even Amy Winehouse never went near the crack pipe, as far as I can tell.
I'm sad to see that Whitney Houston's vocal abilities left before she did. It will forever mar my memories of her once-legendary talent.
Research Study is Published

According to a 40-year study whose findings were recently released by Zipdrive Research Associates, today's marijuana is approximately 60 percent stronger than it was in the 1960s.
Also, it was found that today's names for marijuana have become more descriptive than decades earlier, when brand names like Acapulco Gold and Sin Semilla were about the extent of it.
Now there are brands such as Sweet Tooth, Bungie Jump, White Widow, Catatonic, Bungler, Hungry Horny Hippo (H3), Fat Lip, Who Dat, WTF/OMG, Konk-Out, Foggy Bottom, Barry White, Chillax, Hard-to-Text, Sleepyhead, GoofyMax, Pizzarun, Bong-O, Big Butt, Biscuits, The Zone, Woodpecker, Pointyhead, DingDong, and many others.
Rolling paper technology also has diversified over the years, with a special emphasis on healthier lifestyles. While older brands such as ZigZag and Ritla are still on the market, now paper-making ingredients might include rice paper, tofu, seaweed, spirulina, wheat, dryer lint, cellulose and papier mache. New sizes also have been introduced, including an 8.5 by 11 inch gargantuan called, "Happy Hour."
Zipdrive Research Associates have estimated that the tetrahydrocannibinol (THC) levels of Sweet Tooth, for example, are said to be
...wait, what?

Sunday, February 05, 2012

News You Can Use

If you're ever in a bar making sucker bets, here's one you can win for sure.
Though we all call them a driver's license, in reality it's called a "driver license."
So go out and make that bet, and make it a big one.
You're welcome.

Saturday, February 04, 2012

Oh, Hardy Har Har

We get it.
They dress up this weirdo like a drag queen, trowel on the make-up, hammer on the platinum hair helmet and then tell her to flash the most demonic face she can make.
But, damn it, people all over the world are seeing these same creepy photos and they must think the whole nation has gone bat shit crazy.
Isn't there anyone in charge at Camp Newt who can pull her aside and tell her to knock off the lunatic hijinx?
It's embarrassing.
A Few Things to Ponder

Do you think the Palin daughters were embarrassed once their mother started speaking to the media extemporaneously and divulged a huge chasm of ignorance about history, geography, economics and so on?
Or do you think the daughters are even stupider than Sarah Palin and didn't realize they can't actually see Russia from their back porch?
Do you think any of the daughters know anything whatsoever about Paul Revere?
I think that Todd Palin is probably dumb, and I know Sarah Palin is gypsy/grifter smart but not the least bit intellectual.
I think when they started breeding Trip and Trap and Truck and Willblo and Peeper and Brisket, their weak genetics mashed together to form super sub-par progeny.

I just can't see any of them ever saying, "I'll take Quantum Physics for $2,000 Alex."

I just can't believe how mediocre politicians have gotten. To think this simpleton, Narcissistic woman still has the power to act coy with the media tells us how low our standards have slipped.
And to think that the GOP's presidential hopefuls are Ron Gabby Hayes Paul, Frothy Santorum, Mitt$ Romney and that horrible bastard Newt Retread Gingrich.

I'm not saying Obama has been the best president in American history; I'm just saying when compared to the batch of fetid slop GOP has served up, Obama may as well be named Abraham Roosevelt.

Wednesday, February 01, 2012

Swiss Bank Accounts and Some Dough in the Caymans. A Fine American.

This GOP primary is making me miss McCain and Palin.
They've got two crooks, a geezerly quack and Frothy Santorum--what a winning mix.
Somewhere in Kenya, an Obama cousin has been using Muslim juju to conjure up this batch of goons in the GOP mix.
Those little bitches Newt and Mitts have shred each other so much by now, Obama's new campaign slogan is, "At least I'm not them."
I watched three minutes of the last debate.
The Republican I was watching it with had to change channels after three minutes because she was getting nauseous.
I'd rather watch old episodes of The Jersey Shore. At least they're comparatively likable and authentic...and they don't strap their dogs to the tops of their cars-- I mean, if any of them had dogs or cars.
I haven't blogged much about the GOP slate because it's way too easy to lampoon them. They are so ridiculous, making fun of them would seem redundant.
If you had to vote for one of them, who would it be?
I'd Have the Same Facial Expression

My God, what is wrong with Calypso's face?
Doesn't anyone on team Newton have the courage to tell her to cut that out?
Can't they see she's pretending to be waxen and crazy-eyed just to mess up Newt's chances of becoming the next GOP president?
I mean, the man is so charismatic, especially for a rapid cycling undiagnosed & untreated bi-polar!
Just listening to his quick fire stream of ideas and those peppery arrows aimed toward Mitt Romney and I think, "RISING STAR!"
I'd really hate to see wife #3 louse it up for him.
I wish Nancy Reagan, old Barbara and Laura Bush would call her and give her some first lady beauty tips.