Friday, April 30, 2010

Why, thank you, baby monkey.
Yeah, Offshore Drilling Is a Great Idea

To all the drill, baby, drill enthusiasts: fuck you.
The waters off the Louisiana coast are filled with thick, oozing oil, courtesy of British Petroleum (BP).
Yep, when British Bush-Buddy Tony Blair agreed to join the idiot in attacking Iraq-- as a thank you, Bush gave Blair's buddies at British Petroleum carte blanch to compete in America with American oil companies.
And it seems they are competing...especially with Exxon oil, whose Exxon Valdez tanker sprung a leak and managed to pollute the waters off the Alaskan coast.
Offshore drilling is a very bad idea.
Too many idiot petroleum industry employees make too many stupid mistakes that result in catastrophes like the one floating near Louisiana right now.
In summary: Fuck you George Bush, fuck you Tony Blair, fuck you Sarah Palin, fuck you Michael Steele, fuck you Exxon, and double fuck you BP.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Sex Addiction Clinics: How Conveeeenient

I think I have figured out the recent onslaught of cheaters going to sex addiction clinics to get treatment.
It's very simple.
If you make the news for getting caught cheating and you have money, you get to call it an addiction and go for treatment.
If you have no fame or money and just like to have a lot of sex, run around on your significant other, or get caught screwing someone you shouldn't be, you're just a plain old horn-dog.
These days, too many people are blaming their behaviors on mental illness:
alcoholic, rageoholic, sexoholic, shopoholic, dopeoholic, workoholic, sweetoholic, ad nauseam.
The only sexual diagnosis I accept is nymphomania. It's old school, plus they seem like really fun people. ;)

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Sunday, April 25, 2010


Everyone knows by now I love reality TV, especially most of The Real Housewives series on Bravo.
The Real Housewives of New York City is arguably the best of the lot. Combine money with snobbery and an unending quest for unearned fame and there you have it.
One such housewife is the 'Countess' Luann Deleseps, who was married to a doughy old French count who dumped her for a young Ethiopian woman.
Now that she's single, she's really letting her fame go to her head and thinking she has talent there's clearly no reason to think.
Here she is, cutting her new single, "Elegance Is Learned."
It's truly one of the most awful scenes in the history of television.
Before you click play, be sure you don't need to pee because we don't want any mishaps, now do we?

Friday, April 23, 2010

Is It Possible to Hate Arizona More Than I Already Do?

Arizona: home of speed traps, unbearably hot weather and that old geezer John McCain, who dragged Sarah Palin into our national consciousness.
What could possibly make Arizona an even more loathsome blight on the U.S. map?
Their repugnant Republican Governor Jan Brewer and their racist state legislature are poised to pass a measure that would make it a crime not to carry proof of legal status, and would empower police to ask about a person's immigration status if they have doubts.
Arizona borders Mexico.
There are millions of American-born Hispanics who live, work and pay taxes in Arizona.
But with this racist, ham-handed new insanity, anyone with dark hair who steps out to the curb to pick up their mail had better have his or her ID on them in case the cops drive by and decide to card them.
Going swimming at a public pool? Better waterproof that American birth certificate, Jose. Planning to jog around the block? Better stash that proof of citizenship in your bra, Maria.
Even John McCain, who in the past had a pretty decent record regarding immigration, is pandering to the honky governor and state legislature by saying he's for the measure. Hey, he's up for re-election, he'd screw a snake to stay in office.
As a Texan, I really resent Arizona's attempt to be stupider and more racist than us.
Even Texas Governor Rick Perry isn't as hateful and racist as Gov. Jan Brewer!
I think everyone with a heart and a brain should boycott Arizona.
Not that there was ever any good reason to visit that vast desert of ignorance and brain damaging heat, now Arizona has zoomed to the head of the list of most embarrassing, racist, ignorant dumps in America.
I've traveled to a lot of American states and I thought Mississippi was perhaps the most abysmal one in the union, but Arizona now tops the list.
Arizona? Go fuck yourself.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Another Bush Toy, Trashed and Abandoned

Just as George W. Bush wangled himself into the White House based on gall, dumb luck and his daddy's money, his "ranch" in Crawford was just what I called it 10 years ago: a flimsy prop designed to make a spoiled Ivy League frat boy look like a real cowboy.
The New York Times sent a reporter to Crawford to see how the town of 750 people is doing now that Dubya is no longer president.
It should shock no one that Bush hardly ever visits the "ranch" anymore.
First of all, it never was a real ranch, it was farmland in a farming community.
Ranches have livestock; Bush never raised anything but a bottle of bourbon and a coke spoon.
Bush is now living in a $3 million mansion in a gated Dallas community.
No more clearing brush or pretending to be a macho rancher for that phony bastard, now he's back to sipping spiked tea with his pinky finger extended as he counts the kickback money he got from Big Bidness in exchange for screwing the nation when he was president.
And maybe you've noticed that he's utterly incurious about politics, world affairs or anything that taxes his wet brain.
See, he found out that presidentin' was hard, hard work, and he'll be damned if he's gonna do one more day of work if he can help it.
Crawford's Main Street has pretty much closed down now that Bush has abandoned the gimmick. Only one crappy little souvenir shop remains open, and their biggest seller is a bumper sticker with a picture of a smug Bush and the caption, "Miss Me Yet?"
Please allow me to answer that question.
No we don't, you idiotic bastard.
What is there to miss, the arrogance? The ignorance? The fiscal retardation? The nation's damaged reputation to the world? The highest deficits in American history? The deregulated banks, petroleum companies and environmental constraints? Illegal wars? Outing CIA agents?

In retrospect, my all time favorite Bush snub was done by Cecelia Sarkozy while she was still married to French President Nicholas Sarkozy. The couple was vacationing in Maine near the Bush family compound, and when Mrs. Sarkozy failed to show up for lunch with the Bushes, Nicholas told them she was feeling ill and had to stay at the resort to recuperate.
She was spotted out shopping that same day.

But I digress.
The fact is, Crawford ended up a lot like America did after Bush got through with it: thoroughly, utterly screwed.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

My Cat Nick

My cat Nick spends his days under my desk while I work.
When he notices me doing anything besides typing on the keyboard, he stands up and starts batting things off my desk with his huge, moppy paws.
It was getting very annoying today, so I came up with a plan to distract him.
I got a little strip of Scotch tape and I stuck it to his paw.
Ha. It kept him busy long enough to forget he was batting things off my desk.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Go Figure

I don't know, maybe it's because I never had a daughter, but I find this video appealing in an appalling sort of way.
Oh, I'm sure Ke$ha would love to think of herself as nipping at Lady Gaga's heels, especially after her unfortunate day-glo body paint performance last night on SNL.
Still, I admit I love a catchy tune attached to a dirty bad girl and this one is definitely that.

...and thanks to my cousin who turned me on to this version:
OMG Not Again!

It happened again last night.
There I was, all snuggled in on my couch ready to watch Wanda Sykes at 10 p.m.
But what was on instead? Baseball. The Mets vs the Cardinals.
Now, I am no baseball fan, but I know there are nine innings, not 20. The announcer said the game had gone on for more than 7 hours. Watching baseball for 7 minutes is bad, but 7 hours? Why!?
This conspiracy Fox TV and horrible sports has against Wanda Sykes and me will not be tolerated!
First NASCAR and now this shit.

Friday, April 16, 2010

I Loves Me Some Gaga

I've been caught in more than a few bad romances in my day--I just don't recall ever getting this worked up over it.
This chick is gooooood.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Sarah Palin's Secret Contract Rider

Students at Yale found contract documents between Palin and Yale, and they unearthed her top secret rider. Here it is:

Must fly first class, or if private must be a big jet, not a little one
Must have entire floor of deluxe hotel, with room service n' such
Room must have fancy sheets and pillows, plus privacy: NO BUGS
Bendy straws and two water bottles on lectern, with water in bottles
Dressing room must have floor to ceiling mirrors & Fox News on the 72" plasma TV
Dressing room closet must be filled with free fancy clothes from Saks and Neiman's, size 8, along with 12 pair Manolo Blahnik, Ferragamo and Prada women's black pumps, size 9
6 sets of Spanks, size med.
6 Wonderbras, size 34 b
6 thong panties, high quality and UNUSED size 4
1 quart L'air du Temps perfume (not cologne)
Complete array of Cover Girl cosmetics, med. complexion

Refreshments for dressing room:

Moose & caribou jerky: 5 lb. each teriyaki flavor, hickory flavor and jalapeno flavor
1 crockpot moose stew, warm
12 cases Diet Cokes
12 cases Diet Yoohoos
12 bottles extra fancy champagne, with price tags attached
12 Subway sandwiches & 12 Subway wraps, assorted flavors
16 Milky Way candy bars, XL
16 Large bags, Skittles
1 case Dingdongs
1 case Ho-Hos
1 case Oreos w/ extra stuff only
1 case Peppridge Farm goldfish
2 loaves fresh bread, white
6 spiral cut frozen hams, Honeybaked
6 frozen Butterball turkeys, 20# or more each
6 full sized frozen beef tenderloins, min. 8# each
1 case thick cut bacon, applewood smoked, frozen
6 10# sacks Yukon Gold potatoes
24 cans Devil Ham (brand name)
12 cans tuna, albacore, name brand
6 large quarts Miracle Whip
1 iceberg lettuce
6 quarts pickle relish
6 large cans Ajax cleanser
6 extra large bottles 409 spray
12 bars Ivory Soap, XL size
1 case Joy dishwashing liquid, summer lavender scent
6 gallons Tide liquid detergent
12 fluffy towels--aqua blue
24 fluffy wash rags--aqua blue
4 Swiffer mops
24 mop refills
1 case, Mr. Clean Magic Sponges (no generic)
6 Snugglys, arctic patterns only
12 large boxes cereal, Cap'n Crunch
12 large boxes cereal, Count Chocula
12 large boxes cereal, Trix
1 case apple sauce
1 case each, sliced peaches, fruit cocktail, pears-Libby or equiv. brand
6 cases Enfamil baby formula
12 cases Huggies, toddler size
8 Michelin snow tires to fit large SUV
2 cases 40w Pennzoil
2 gal. windshield washer fluid
6 large flashlights- brand name
12 cases batteries, asst. sizes
Service for 24, Oneida sterling silverware, Duchess pattern
Service for 24, Fitz and Floyd china, Wintry Wonderland pattern
48 fancy linen napkins, white
6 king size down comforters, 300 thread count or higher
1 remington rifle
1 case ammo for rifle
1 telescope, x100 or higher
Large, sturdy bags to pack goods to take with Palin upon leaving
1 heavy duty dolly
6 quilted packing blankets

Monday, April 12, 2010

Good God!

I'm starting to think fast food restaurants are intentionally trying to out-do each other in high caloric disgustingness.
Taco Bell takes a crunchy taco and glues it to a flour tortilla using liquid cheese product.
Burger King sells a triple patty/triple cheese monster.
But I think KFC just zoomed to the head of the pack with its new "sandwich," which skips the bread and uses two fried chicken breasts to surround cheese, bacon slices and some kind of creamy secret sauce.
Even on my most craven days of itching for something greasy and fattening, I doubt this paper-wrapped heart attack would appeal to me. It's just too much!
Before this, I thought KFC was already being outrageous by serving bowls filled with fried chicken chunks, mashed potatoes, gravy, corn and cheese.
But this damn thing?
Would you try one?

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Caption This Photo

I just love this picture. From Martha's weird outfit, to the blase look on her face as she prepares to airhorn some frat boys, it's just filled with details that entertain me.
You have two options.
Either write a caption for this pic, or write a haiku about it.
Now get busy.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Of All the Nerve

Here it was, 10 p.m. on a Saturday night and I settle in to watch The Wanda Sykes Show on the Fox network.
Oh, no. That's not Wanda!
It's the tail-end of a NASCAR race.
I don't watch that crap; I have no idea how long 36 laps take, so I am stuck, waiting, trying not to watch, finding the Southern drawls of the race announcer extremely annoying, there's some guy named Bush in the I being punked?!
For Fox to allow this crap to bleed into Wanda Sykes's time slot, well they must not know that NASCAR is pretty much the opposite of Wanda Sykes.
That means people tuning in to see Wanda will change the channel, and people watching NASCAR until it's over, when Wanda Sykes comes on they'll change it.
Their stupidity is causing me to suffer, and I hate that!

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Hey, Kate Gosslein:
Macy Gray Called, She Wants Her Dance Moves Back

Oh my God. This hurt my eyes to watch.

Monday, April 05, 2010


I thought about posting this over at KarenZipdrive's Food, but that blog is about good food, not mistake-y food.
Big Sis and I attempted to make Easter dinner on Sunday.
She is the Empress of potato salad, producing a salad of creamy, firm chunks of baby red skinned potatoes in just the right mixture of mayo, celery, hard boiled eggs and other potato salady delights.
Except this time, the spuds cooked too long, the hard boiled eggs were under boiled and it all turned into a sort of mashed potato salad.
I would have teased her, except for the apple spice layer cake with cream cheese & toasted walnut frosting that I attempted to make.
See, I forgot to add the three large eggs, and I added too many apple chunks, and I under-baked it, so I renamed it English apple puddin' because it had no resemblance to any cake I ever saw. Then I re-renamed it, "vagina cake," because it looked bad but tasted good.
Big Sis opined that we have apparently forgotten how to cook because, "we are both too old to care anymore."
In truth, I think it may have had something to do with an herbal product we may or may not have imbibed earlier, but who knows? She might be right.
Still, some good came from the mushy melange.
We now know that when we get really old and toothless, we will still be able to cook tasty, mushy dishes the whole family can gum together.
And yes, we did have yellow Peeps, but they were kinda hard to chew.

Friday, April 02, 2010

If I Ran the Bravo Network...

I am a big fan of almost all the "Real Housewives" shows on Bravo.
My favorite is The Real Housewives of New York City, because there's just nothing like rich NYC women who balance fashion and fame with sheer bitchiness.
Oh, wait.
The Real Housewives of New Jersey are even better. All that Mafia money mixed with bad taste and bad manners--simply craptastic!
And The Real Housewives of Atlanta--holy cow! These sistahs all remind me of how little I know about the lives of prosperous Southern African American women and their trashy diva white friend Kim with the blond wigs and the old $ugar daddy.
My least favorite is The Real Housewives of Orange County because they all seem so spray tanned and bottle blond and, well, Orange County. Ugh.

If I ran the Bravo Network, here are the next housewives cities I'd want to cover:

The Real Housewives of San Francisco

The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City<

The Real Housewives of Miami Beach

The Real Housewives of East Los Angeles
My Little Niece, Dixi

It's Easter time and I get to go visit my doggie niece, Dixi.
Here she is, peering out from under her Dora the Explorer bed cover.
She's 9-years-old, but frequent walks and good nutrition make her perky and energetic.
Her hobbies include digging, barking at squirrels and kitties, playing in her pink baby pool, chewing her special nylon bone and rooting in her toy box for some special toy that changes from day to day.
When I visit, I like the concept of sleeping with her, but she's a notorious bed-hog with a touch of nocturnal flatulence, so it usually stays a conceptual desire.
The best thing about Dixi is I get to play with her without having to deal with dog crap, feeding her, walking her or anything but fun.
Her two mamas are very strict with her, but I sneak her treats, let her jump on me and generally misbehave all she wants.
How could I not? I mean, look at her in her doggie bed!