Friday, December 31, 2004

Happy New Year to All Y'all

2004 hasn't been my favorite year.
This year, I fell out of love, lost my biggest client, and watched a slim majority of American voters prove they were either total imbeciles, or just not paying attention.
I got a cell phone in 2004, something I had promised myself I would never do.
I finally got my own magazine column in September and the response had been great. Then I heard this month the new magazine hadn't met it's projected ad revenues and was ceasing publication next month.
2005 promises to be a far better year.
I have started illustrating a children's book for this cool faggot out of Oregon. He likes my art and I like his writing.
I've been hired to ghostwrite a novel for a psychic who works with police to catch criminals.
Someone I met recently wants to hire me to do custom trim painting on homes she renovates.
Another magazine has hired me to do articles on local happenings.
The chairman of the local Stonewall Democrats has invited me to join his crew of pissed off, queer Democrats.

Tonight I am attending the grand closing of the Candlelight Coffee House, a hangout I have considered my own for 10 years. The owners have sold it to a couple of gay guys, so I hope they keep it the same.
Then there's a party a few blocks from my house, where I'll probably finish out the evening.

Yep. I am planning to have a sensational 2005.
Hope you do, too.
What are your plans for tonight?

Thursday, December 30, 2004

Hey, I know! Let's Put on a Show, Everybody!

I received an interesting e-mail today, urging a total boycott on consumer spending the day of Bush's inauguration.
With some minimal preplanning, I could last a whole day without spending a cent, couldn't you?
What do you think?

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Wahhh, Lennie Brisco is Dead

I heard on the news actor Jerry Orbach died today of prostate cancer. He was the saggy-faced, wise cracking detective on Law and Order.
I didn't like him much when I first started watching L&O, but his character grew on me.
Too bad he couldn't hold out a few more days and get to another year.
This was sort of a banner year for celebrity deaths.
Just offhand, I can think of Ronald Reagan, Rodney Dangerfield, Fay Wray, Christopher Reeve, Julia Child, Rick James, Marlon Brando, Ray Charles, Weezie Jefferson, Tony Randall, Spaulding Gray, Captain Kangaroo... and now Jerry Orbach.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Happy Kwanzaa

Okay, call me a skeptical old geezer, but I started looking into this holiday recently when I realized I hadn't heard a thing about it when I was little.
It turns out it's relatively new, thought up by a cat named Dr. Maulana Karenga back in 1966. Based on African culture, the holiday's origin centers on the Zulu first-fruit celebration, which is supposed to last a week and occurs as one year ends and another begins.
Kwanzaa has caught on all over the world, according to Karenga, but I can't say I know anyone who actually celebrates it.
All the African Americans I know are Christians, so I have never seen Kwanzaa celebrated. I wonder, do they get presents? What's the dinner like?
Before I accept it as a legitimate winter holiday, I'm going to first have to know if there's anything good to eat. If there's not, then I say Kwanzaa, Shmanzaa.
If anyone has any direct experience with this holiday, please enlighten me. I don't care about the history or the details, I just want the 4-1-1 on any food and presents the holiday includes.

Friday, December 24, 2004

To All My Lovely Friends Out There
(Just pretend like you can hear Judy Garland singing this to you in a slightly gin-soaked slur)

Have yourself a merry little Christmas.
Let your heart be light,
From now on our troubles
Will be out of sight.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Make the Yule-tide gay,
From now on our troubles
Will be miles away.

Here we are as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore,
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more.

Through the years
We all will be together
If the Fates allow,
Hang a shining star
On the highest bough,

And have yourself
A merry little Christmas now.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

Martha Stewart's Christmas Letter

Dear Friends,
When one is incarcerated with 1,200 other odoriferous inmates, it is hard to be selfish at Christmas -- hard to think of Christmases past and Christmases future while smelling something akin to a melange of kerosene, mildew and mackerel.
So many of the women here in Alderson will never have the joy and well-being that a few of you and I experience. Many of them have been here for years -- devoid of care, devoid of love, devoid of family and devoid of even basic grooming acumen.
I beseech you all to think about these women -- to encourage the American people to ask for reforms, in sentencing guidelines, in decent toiletries, in length of incarceration for nonviolent first-time offenders, and for those involved in drug-taking who deign not to share.
They would be much better served in a true rehabilitation center than in prison where there is no culinary esthetic, no cultural stimulation, no real programs to rehabilitate, no programs to educate and no wardrobe or coiffure guidance to be prepared for life "out there" where each person will ultimately find herself, many with no skills, no table manners, no artiness and no preparation for living a life of good taste.
I am fine, really. I look forward to being home, to getting back to my valuable real estate and servants, to creating, cooking, and making television.
I have had time to think, time to write, time to exercise, time to not eat the hideously bad food, and time to walk and contemplate the future.
I've had my work here too. I have been washing, scrubbing, sweeping, vacuuming, raking leaves, decoupaging, throwing pottery, batiking, petit pointing, garnishing, sculpting, free basing and much more.
But like everyone else here, I would rather be doing all of this in my own home, and not here -- around these unkempt, felonious vulgarians of dubious sexual orientation.
I want to thank you again, and again, for your support and encouragement. You have been so terrific to me and to everyone who stood by me.
I appreciate everything you have done, your emails, your letters, the small packets of Valium and cocaine and your kind, kind words.
Now, if someone could kindly send me some eau de vie, a silk eye shade, some Egyptian cotton linens in 600-thread count or more, a few springs of fresh lavender, a bottle of Nutrisse Garnier in Summery Maize and an iPod filled with Andrea Bochelli, Wagnerian opera, YoYo Ma and other stimulating musical interludes, my holidays will be more serene.
Happy holidays,

Martha Stewart

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

What Was I Thinking?

I broke down and made Christmas cookies last night.
I used one of those cool spritz guns that works like a caulking gun, and I made two kinds of butter cookies.
One kind are sprinkled with jewel toned sugar crystals and the others are filled with spots of cranberry chutney in the center.
I intend to get rid of them asap, but I have succumbed to a few hastily wolfed down cookies under the guise of 'quality control.'
As a diabetic, I am no longer used to sugar, so the few cookies I scarfed down have amped me up like a crack ho. I'll have to work out for a solid hour to get back to normal.
I am getting very eager for Christmas Day to arrive.
It's not because I am such a happy little elf, it's more because my house is all sparkly clean and I'm not sure I can sustain such pristine conditions for four more days.
Maybe the buzz from the sugar in the cookies will help me stay manic enough to keep the clutter at bay. Or maybe I should just nap a lot until Saturday and stay out of mess-making trouble.

Monday, December 20, 2004

Terrific Apple Cake Recipe

My mom used to make this when I was a kid. Now that she's slightly senile, she doesn't bake anymore and she doesn't remember most people's names, much less recipes.
I thought the recipe had been lost forever until I discovered it recently, lodged in the very back of my recipe box.
I'm making one of these for Christmas dinner. It's what fruitcake wanted to be like, but failed.
If you bake one, you might want to marry me for giving you the recipe, it's so good.

Karen's Mom's Apple Cake Recipe

3 cups of flour
2 cups of sugar
4 cups cubed, unpeeled apples (I use green Granny Smiths)
1 cup of vegetable oil
1 cup of coarsely chopped nuts (I use pecans)
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1.5 tsps. cinnamon
3 eggs

Mix it all together in a bowl then transfer to a greased baking pan, dusted with flour.
Bake at 350F for about 50 minutes.

You're welcome.

Sunday, December 19, 2004

Oy Vey, More Holiday Joy

I heard someone once describe the Christmas holidays as, "a time we leave our loved ones to be with our families."
I had decided on a simple, stress-free Christmas this year, just cooking a nice dinner and exchanging presents that day for my mom, siblings, their significant others and my best friend Anna.
My brother was here last week, and we decided we'd all meet dinner here at my house on Christmas Day. I sent an elaborate e-mail invitation to everyone.
My oldest sister in Austin decided to mix it up.
First, on behalf of everyone she canceled my dinner on Christmas Day and opted instead that we all meet for dinner at a local restaurant here in San Antonio today.
I said okay.
Then she read the menu in the e-mail invitation I'd sent and asked if I'd still cook dinner on the 25th after all.
I said okay. I'd planned to anyway.
Then my brother said he and his wife couldn't make it here on the 25th.
I said okay.
Then my Mom's sinuses got infected so my sister canceled the dinner today.
I said okay.
In the past, all these switcharoos would have driven me past the point of insanity.
But I realize now this is how my family operates.
They mow down plans each other makes without discussing it, then they reschedule new plans, then cancel them, they decline invitations, then ask to be reinvited.
I realize now the trick is to make my own plans and stick to them, regardless of who does or doesn't show up. I know Anna will be here, because she's like me- she likes to make a simple plan and stick to it.
I just hope she's flexible enough to help me eat a 6-pound standing rib roast on Christmas Day--just in case my flaky family pulls another 180º on me.
Christmas with my family makes a good case for converting to Judaism...but then they'd goof up those holidays, so what's a girl to do?

Saturday, December 18, 2004

Ahh! 'Tis the Season of Regifting

We all do it.
Once we shop retail for Christmas gifts for our most significant relatives and friends, we begin to consider the second tier of people in our lives- those who warrant a Regift.
A regift, of course, is something we got as a gift we either strongly dislike, or have no hope of ever using.
I have a pile of them on hand for emergencies.
They include:
-An ecru lace tablecloth
-A decorative framed picture of a cat's face, done by someone I suspect was on acid at the time
-A wine opener that weighs 5 pounds and cut my finger the only time I tried to use it, not to mention it forcing the cork into the bottle instead of extracting it (sorry, Cris)
-A Chinese style glass lantern with dried flowers fused to the glass, designed to hold a tea candle
-A burlwood ink pot/bud vase
-An assortment of brooches and pins I'd rather die than wear
-Several items of clothing in sizes fit for the cast of The Biggest Loser
-Books I bought at Half-Price Bookstore that I don't want after all
-Assorted home decor bric-a-brac items that have nothing to do with my home decor, including a vast array of decorative boxes with nothing in them
-A handful of truly horrible CDs
-A videotape rewinder
-A clock with birds on it that cheeps on the hour
-A clock with cats on it that meows on the hour
-Silver candlesticks that only fit those hard-to-find super slim tapers
-Candles that are so decorative, it would be a venial sin to light them
-A hand-held, battery operated devise that cusses when a button is pushed
-And much, much more.
Now the task of assigning which regift to which person comes in.
What I might do is just wrap a few of them and throw them in my car trunk for those social events where someone I didn't expect a gift from gives me one.
I'll just say, "Wow, thank you! Let me go get your gift from my car."
Then I can watch with glee as they open it and express the same feigned delight as I did when I opened it the first time.
Okay, okay, maybe I am a chicken shit cheapskate for doing this.
But remember, it's the thought that counts. :)

Tell us what regifts you have stashed away.

Friday, December 17, 2004

Julie? Whaaaat?
Survivor host Jeff Probst has new girlfriend - Maine 'survivor', Julie Berry

"PORTLAND, Maine (AP) - One of the women who fell just short of winning the $1 million top prize on CBS' Survivor reportedly has a new boyfriend - the show's host.
Jeff Probst told People magazine that he and Julie Berry, of Gorham, have become a couple. "Nobody is more surprised than me," Probst, 43, was quoted as saying on the magazine's Web site. Probst said he and Berry, a 24-year-old youth mentor, started dating after he e-mailed her to say hello once the show was over..."

Well... isn't that interesting?
Besides a hot body, I wonder what he saw in her? She struck me as being pretty unremarkable.
I mean, come on, she was no Ami.
What's your take on it?

Thursday, December 16, 2004

I Just Don't See it

Hear me now and believe me later!
My online People magazine page arrived today with a blurb about Ellen DeGeneris and Portia DiRossi.
With the blurb came a photo of the new couple and I gotta say THEY JUST DON'T MATCH.
I tend to be a casual type like Ellen, and I have dated women like Portia DiRossi.
All I have to say is Ellen better get used to waiting for her to preen and primp and slather on all that make-up, do her hair, strap herself into those merry widow corsets and snap on those fishnets and garter belts...and that's for a trip to the supermarket!
Women like Portia need two steamer trunks full of costumes just to go on a weekend getaway.
They also need a lot of emotional maintenance, and if they are one of the hot blooded ethnicities like this chick, Ellen is in for a sleighride to HELL.
If this isn't Ellen's mid-life crisis, I'll be a monkey's aunt.
Let's just hope this women isn't a heavy drinker.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Homeland Insecurity

While I'll admit that I too sort of liked former NYC Police Commissioner Bernard Kerik at face value, can you imagine the Bush administration wanting to put this guy in charge of Homeland Security without bothering to first find out what a smarmy past he has?
This is one more example of what happens when people elect an impatient, non-recovering dry drunk who wants what he wants when he wants it, regardless of the consequences.
In case anyone is keeping count, not one terrorist has yet been brought to justice by the United States justice system.
And if part of a democracy is to ensure a speedy trial, shouldn't Saddam Hussein be sitting on a green mile somewhere by now, awaiting the same outcome as Scott Peterson?
Jesus! You know things are bad when most people would agree that The Terminator would do a better job in the White House than that pinhead Bush has done.

Monday, December 13, 2004

Another Lesbian Couple Bites the Dust

It seems Ellen DeGeneris and her gorgeous partner Alexandra Hedison have split up after a four year relationship. I was surprised to learn that. They seemed pretty happy in all the media coverage I've ever seen of them.
Even so, they lasted four years, which is about the equivalent of 10 years in heterosexual relationships.
The average long-term lesbian relationship lasts about three years.
Of the three years, the first six months are typically spent fucking like bunnies, then the remaining two and a half years are spent nurturing each other half to death, finally devolving to a blissful state called, "lesbian bed death."
Symptoms of lesbian bed death include:

• Buying a house together
• Frequent Sundays spent together at the Home Depot
• Buying an SUV to haul Home Depot purchases home
• Significant weight gain in one or both partners
• More than two cats, dogs, or a few of each
• Pets have too many toys, clothing, bedding and baby talky nicknames
• The purchase of an RV or travel trailer
• Large screen TVs and twin Lazy Boy lounge chairs, where they both fall asleep during the
10 o'clock news, right after eating giant bowls of ice cream
• Sweat suits or T-shirts and shorts become the standard uniform
• One or both get into therapy to handle "issues"
• Excess Internet usage for one, while the other stews in the other room
• The purchase of a huge, expensive barbecue grill with all the bells and whistles
• Lots of potluck dinners and barbecue parties on the deck, with guests who stay too long
• One or both get pregnant or have babies
• One returns to school to get her Master's degree
• Beer and/or wine consumption increases noticeably in one or both
• Farting no longer requires an apology, or even an explanation

I have done my share of lesbian cohabitation back in the day, but I haven't lived with anyone since the early 90's.
My earlier track record of having relationships that averaged three years in duration has now been distilled to about six months.
I think I get bored and restless after the bunny stage starts to fade, so I either leave or behave in a manner that inspires them to leave.
Even the idea of lesbian dating is losing its appeal for me, now that I'm single again.
Lesbian dating is a confusing set of rituals that can be quite exhausting.
I mean, honestly, who asks who out? Who drives? Who decides where to go? Who pays? When is the right time for the first kiss, and who should initiate it?
By the time I find someone halfway interesting, then ask everyone I know what they know about her to see if she's nuts or not, then wait around while she screens me, then get up the nerve to call her, I'm already exhausted.
I won't even get into the maze of confusion brought on by initiating sexual contact. By the time it gets to that, then the questions about top or bottom, toys or no toys, orgasmic or not, exclusive or not, that curiosity phase often results in the discovery of an utter lack of sexual compatibility-- after all that labor intensive prep work!
I think I have the solution.
Now that Ellen and Alexandra are single, I'd like for either one of them to contact me so we can hook up. I could do four years with either of them.
Until then, I think I'll just keep myself entertained by continuing to watch Law & Order 20 times a week.
At least with that, I don't have to waste all that energy shaving my legs several times a week.

Friday, December 10, 2004

Survivor: The Sunday Grand Finale

Some dude from Entertainment Weekly did all the legwork for me, so I'll just let you read what he said, then pick your final four - in order- in the comments box.
The season finale is on CBS, Sunday at 7 p.m. central.

My final four, in descending order:
and the winner

"Is there any way that somebody could be undeserving of winning?" — Jeff Probst at Tribal Council.
"I don't know." — Twila.
"You don't know, or you don't want to say?" — Jeff Probst.
Oh! Oh! I want to say! Pick me! Pick me, Jeff! It's freakin' Scout! Look, I understand she's getting up there in years and shouldn't be expected to keep pace with people half her age, but man oh man (or, in her case, I guess woman oh woman), she is just completely useless when it comes to any form of competition. Now, of course it was no surprise that she went out first dragging through the mud in that reward challenge, but she couldn't even remember squat of the story about ol' Chief Whatshisname — becoming the only contestant to pull one of those funky black things out of the incorrect basket while in the process proving that older does not necessarily mean wiser.
Now, it would be different if she was some sort of Machiavellian mastermind, pulling the strings and controlling the strategic elements, but that's just not the case either. Ami, Twila, and Chris have been responsible for most of the strategy in the game. If Scout takes home the million, I think there will be a lot of unhappy Survivor fans.
What about the rest of the final four? Well, there's Twila, and as much as I liked her about halfway through the game, I swear on her son's life that she's kind of annoying the crap out of me lately. What was that craziness about burying all the bananas and not telling Eliza where they were? And then continuing to tell everyone off for bringing up her big lie? Do I care she lied? Hell no. I lie on a daily basis. Why, just today I told my son that Santa Claus occasionally has been known to travel by jet pack. Why? I have no idea! But by freaking out any time her fib comes up, Twila fuels the fire. Homegirl needs to mellow like a cello. (In fact, she was so aggro, she almost ran over poor Jeff Probst during the immunity challenge, which, truth be told, would have been pretty hysterical). Still, I kind of want her to make the final two, just to watch her get all indignant and pissy when peppered with questions by angry broads.
Then there's Eliza. EW's own Dan Snierson put forth the argument to me recently that she might just be the most annoying Survivor contestant ever. That's a tough one. I mean, one can not dismiss such notable knuckleheads as Thailand's Robb and Clay. And Jenna Lewis could certainly give Eliza a run for her money in the motormouth department. If Eliza truly wants that honor, she's gonna have to show me something seriously, seriously annoying in the finale. She just might have it in her. But does she have it in her to win? Well, she probably already has Ami, Julie, and Leann's votes locked in should she make it to the final two. And she's shown she can win the challenges to get there, especially with competition as weak as Scout and Twila. But her strategizing is shaky, and her mouth not only can be annoying but can get her into other trouble as well. How hilarious was that watching her blab to Chris about getting rid of Twila, only to have the camera swing over and show . . . Twila! Standing right there. Genius. Yet at the same time, idiotic.
And last we'll get to the guy who should have gone first — Chris. Personally, I think Chris made a huge blunder this episode. All that playing-both-sides nonsense did was get a jury member (Julie) and one more potential jury member (Eliza) mad at him. Why do that? Why lie? What does that possibly do to help you? If he had just told them straight up, "Sorry, ladies, but I think sticking with this alliance is the best move," Eliza would have stayed in line, and Julie (while upset to leave) would've understood and not held it against him. Now, instead, she's been lied to, and you know what they say about a woman scorned. . . . If Chris can make it to the final two, the game is probably his. If he's up against Eliza, then Sarge, Chad, Twila, and Scout would likely go his way. Against Scout or Twila, it could be a bit dicier if Ami puts the other ladies on the jury in some sort of trance and hypnotizes them into awarding it to a woman.
I guess I'm rooting for Chris. He's bucked the odds several times already, has strategized when he needed to, and is the only one left who hasn't gotten wrapped up in any petty arguments about buried bananas. Then again, that red tank top has really started to bug the hell out of me. And he seemed a bit drunk with power this past episode. (Who knows, maybe he and guide Joe got wasted on the free beer and wine while watching Mount Yasur erupt. I know I would have.)
Whatever happens, at least we should be in store for a pretty spicy final Tribal Council. Maybe Jeff Probst will even arrive in L.A. with the votes via jet pack. What? If it's good enough for Santa...
What do you think? Who is going to win the million? And who do you want to win?

Thursday, December 09, 2004


With Ami gone, it's official: this is the most boring episode of Survivor, ever.
Who will get the boot tonight? Who cares?
Okay, okay, I pick Julie. Why? Who cares?
As for the Apprentice, I heard somewhere two will get the boot tonight. I think the last one standing will end up being Jenn the lawyer.
She's the least obnoxious of the bunch.

Your picks?

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Happy Chanukah

Okay, I am a day late, but for a Shiksa I figure I am close enough.
I have a lot of friends who are Jewish, and an ex girlfriend who taught me enough Yiddish to get by in almost any situation (that involves food or name calling).
I wish all my Jewish friends a happy season, and may all your dreildls be chocolate.
Shalom, y'all.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Jury Duty

I have a notice on my desk that says I have to report for jury duty at 1 p.m. on Thursday.
It's not just any jury duty, it's outskirts jury duty.
I don't even get to go to the giant, old limestone courthouse downtown, this is jury duty in some strip center in a part of town where low riders cruise the boulevard, you can buy five tacos for $1.99, and everyone's name has a Z in it somewhere.
This is not jury duty presided over by a judge, it's justice of the peace jury duty, which makes it even more piss-ant.
I am not what you'd call a likely juror. I have no patience for criminals and I don't care much for lawyers, either.
Unless I want to, I never get past voir dire. Here's why:

Q: Ms Zipdrive, do you believe people can be a little bit right and wrong?
A: No. They are either right or wrong, no in between.
Q: Do you ever spend time around young people?
A: No, I hate them.
Q: Do you have any hobbies?
A: No, hobbies are for lazy people.
Q: Do you think nursing homes are good places for elderly people?
A: Only the ones you're trying to kill off.
Q: Do you have any trouble hearing or seeing?
A: What?
Q: Have you been on a jury before?
A: Yes, me and 11 imbeciles.
Q: Do you believe the local police do a good job?
A: Yes, at corruption they do an excellent job.
Q: Do you believe insurance companies have to pay too much in settlements?
A: I don't think they pay enough.
Q: Do you think lawyers can be honest?
A: This is a trick question, right?

Actually, I just made up all that stuff.
In Texas, for me to skip jury duty is easy. I just tell them what I really think and they can't wait to dismiss me.
The one time I got selected, it was a child custody dispute.
The father was an ex druggie who'd found Jesus and dragged his kids to his recovering addicts' church every day he had custody of them. The mother seemed very nice, but she'd started dating again, and I think she was dragged into a custody dispute because the ex husband was jealous.
Take a wild guess who got to keep her kids.

Monday, December 06, 2004

Bah Humblog

The bad thing about having a client you don't like much is, when you finally get fired, it's sort of anticlimactic.
I've had this same corporate client for 10 years, but in the last two years my contact there has been with this woman I'll call the Cobra. Because her company is my biggest client, the salary I get from them makes up a large portion of my monthly income. I've had to be nice to her and tolerate her lack of corporate etiquette.
The Cobra's one of those 30-ish, ambitious types who can't be happy unless she's put her stamp on everything she comes near. She tells lies when she's cornered, then she lashes out when she thinks the coast is clear.
She fired me so she could hire a buddy of hers to write the company magazine. Her buddy the writer writes in the passive voice and thinks a 48-word sentence works just fine as a lead paragraph.
So, last week after I got the ax, I went to meet a friend for coffee and I stepped in dog shit on the way to my car. I discovered it as the aroma wafted up from my carpeted floor mat.
Once I got home, I received a message from a colleague who pays me $300 annually to judge a small circulation newspaper contest. Trouble is, I now write for one of the newspapers in the competition, so I had to disqualify myself.
If you're keeping score, that means I lost two jobs and stepped in dog shit, all in one day.
I went to dinner on a Riverwalk barge that night and had a lot of fun. It was a great distraction, but once I started the drive home, more trouble loomed ahead.
Stuck behind a 1982 Cadillac with three colors of paint and the taillights held on with duct tape, the driver was going 2 miles per hour in a 35 mile zone. After a couple of blocks stuck behind this imbecile, I stomped on my passing gear and passed him, just as he was negotiating a left turn.
The oncoming car was, naturally, a cop. I turned onto my street very rapidly, hoping to escape.
Only inches away from my driveway, I spied the flashing lights in my rearview mirror.
Yes, in one day I managed to get fired twice, step in dog shit and get pulled over by a cop.
He asked what I thought I was doing when I passed that man while he was turning and I simply said I thought he was drunk and wanted to get away from him.
The cop gave me a stern lecture, but no ticket.
I said, "Officer, I appreciate that. See, today I got fired twice and stepped in dog shit and I'm afraid a ticket would have pushed me over the edge."
He just shook his head and told me to go home.
When the Cobra fired me, I asked in my most humble voice if she'd be willing to read an e-mail letter I planned to write, making a rebuttal to her decision to fire me. She said of course.
I just sent the letter, which I copied to everyone in the company who outranks her, the entire marketing department, the entire IT staff, all of Human Resources and anyone else I know at that company who likes me, not to mention disliking the Cobra.
It may have been a slightly bitchy gesture, but when she walked me to the door she had the nerve to ask how my mother was. At Christmas time. Right after firing me.

Friday, December 03, 2004

Bush Set to Name Ex-Chief of Police for Top Security Post

Bernard Kerik, the former New York City police commissioner, has been picked by Bush to replace Tom Ridge.
At first glance, I think this guy is the only Bush appointment I have ever considered relevant to today's climate of fear.
But will Kerik be willing to play politics with Karl Rove and Dick Cheney, and do what they tell him to do rather than what he knows is right to do?
I wish I didn't see a Herculean clash in the making, but I do.
A guy like Kerik could make the country safer, but unless his plans dovetail with the administration's loot and pillage philosophy, he'll just be one more casualty in this train wreck of a presidency.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Survivor/Apprentice Blog

In a rare moment of celebrating the holiday spirit, I will be spending Thursday night on a riverwalk barge, eating tourist Tex-Mex with friends instead of watching Survivor and The Apprentice.
I agreed to go before I realized I'd have to shell out 30 bucks to eat a $4 plate of enchiladas, while unseasonably nippy breezes skim over the icy river water and makes that a lukewarm $30 plate of enchiladas.
All that aside, I predict Ami will get the boot. That saddens me so much, I may have to add a few $12 margaritas to my $30 enchilada tab.
I was thinking of taping Survivor for later viewing, but taping The Apprentice afterwards is out of the question.
You see, that would require programming the VCR, which for me would be similar to building my own computer from parts Grey Bird ordered for me online from a Tokyo electronics merchant.
Let me put it this way- the clock on my VCR has been flashing 12 for many years now, and it has never occurred to me to amend that.
Anyway, besides picking my beloved Ami to get the boot, I am too distracted right now to try to recall what happened last week on the Apprentice, so I have no idea who Trump will fire this week.
I have, however, calculated that my lukewarm enchiladas will cost me about $6 per bite.

Your picks?

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

A Special Report:
Sneak Preview: George W. Bush's speech to the Canadians

Good evening.
How fabulous is it to be with all you Ottawannabes on this special occasion.
This Museum of Civilization y'all have here is really a testimony to all that went on before here. It's a really fabulous gesture of ...accomplishment, which will live on in history in the future... for all time.
Now, I know I didn't have much time to campaign here over the last year, but you know Ottawa is my favorite province in the United States, and I appreciate all the fabulous hard, hard work you people have did to help me win my political capital, that I intend to spend on my second term.
(Press secretary whispers in the President's ear)
Heh heh heh, I meant to say Canada, not the United States, but y'all are so close to us, we consider you as close as step children, and I don't mean the resentful kind, I mean the kind who are appreciative to have a good, new daddy- who is strong and resolutive to protect them.
I come here today also to give a hug to your new leader, President Pete Martin, who I have met with and who seems like a fabulous guy, with a lot of real, real good initiatives.
The liberal media back home has said us and Canadia have some issues of settlement that need some settling. And I don't think we have what you'd call bad issues between us, but I will settle them, good or bad.
Why, just today, I enjoyed a fabulous hamburger made from Canadian cows, and I am happy to say it didn't taste like the cow was mad at all. Maybe the liberal media back home was just mad when they said so... heh heh heh.
Also, I had a real nice visit with your Defense Minister, Billy Graham, who is a fabulous guy not unlike our own Reverend Billy Graham, only not religious. Billy's a great asset to y'all, and alls he needs to is figure out how to spell "defense" and he'll be good to go. heh heh heh
On a seriouser topic of large urgency, we all share a goal of stopping terrorism wherever it may go, which could include all of Canada, including the French people over in Quebec, the British and Colombian ones over on your West coast, and those Scottish folks y'all have over there in Nova Scotia.
It has been hard, hard work, but every person of Canadianism can check their Internets to see for theirselves that terrorists like Saddam Hussein have been brought down, and so far he is just the chip of a really bad iceberg.
Now, we know that Canadia doesn't have a whole lot of military troops or much military airplanes or boats, but I speak for my country to say we would appreciate the whole, entire country of Canada getting back in the saddle of freedom with countries like ours who enjoy liberty and hate terrorism, and rejoin the coalition of the willing so we can track down and kill those who hate us for our freedom.
Americans consider Canada almost like they're Americans theirselfs- what with their comedians and fine actors coming down to work in our movies and TV shows, and their speaking mostly English, just like us. And today I learned that the Canadians can also cook a fabulous, All American-style hamburger! heh heh heh.
It is within this spirit of simultaneousness that bounds us together, in a world where it is no longer an option not to be uncautious against the worldly spread of terrorists, who hate us for our freedom. These are dangerous times, folks, and in Texas we say it's time to circle the wagons, which is something all freedom lovers should want to do for their own goods- and the good of the children.
So, tonight in this really fabulous historical venue of civilization, I say thank you for the long history of being our neighbors to the north, and long may you all continue to behave as civilized as this great Museum of Civilization.
Good night, and God bless America.

Saturday, November 27, 2004

The Dreaded Sports Injury

It had to happen eventually.
After working out with a trainer for more than a year, I ended up buying a full-sized ab cruncher for home use.
By full size, I mean it took a big truck, three large men and a dolly to muscle in into my house.
My trainer Willie has been moving his business to another location for the last two weeks, which means I was left to my own devices to continue my workouts at home.
He had me doing 110 ab crunches at 70 pounds, in two sets of 60.
At home, I decided to do 500 ab crunches, in five sets of 100, interspersed by a mile of bike riding.
It felt great doing them, until Wednesday when my right side started hurting.
When I inhale, a pain hits about 3/4's of the way into the full inhale, causing me to yelp.
I am sure I pulled an ab muscle because I Googled the symptoms, so now I am relying on muscle relaxers and a truss to ease the discomfort.
I haven't called Willie yet because I am not looking forward to the lecture.
Despite the discomfort and occasional downright pain, I am rather pleased with myself.
See, only athletes get abdominal strains.
In 48 years of slothful living, I never once strained my belly muscles.
I guess this makes me an official gym rat.
Anyone know how long this will take to heal?

Thursday, November 25, 2004

Turkey Survivor Apprentice

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

I am flittering around like mad this morning, getting ready to go to Austin for a family gathering. Forgive this abbreviated Thursday post- I haven't got much time to mull it over...
For the boot- it's gotta be Chris, the one remaining man. The camp is built, there's no heavy lifting to be done and he's not that good in challenges, so I think his time has come.
The Apprentice:
With only a handful of ass kissers left, you gotta think Trump is starting to decide which ones he'd most hate to hire. I suspect the remaining challenges will be tailored toward the skills of his favorites.
Trump is gonna have to start weeding out the worst of them right away.
Using that as a sole criteria, I pick Ivana to get the next boot.

Your picks?

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

No Hecklers, Bushie is the Sensitive Type

"OTTAWA—U.S. President George W. Bush will not be addressing Parliament when he comes to Ottawa next week, choosing instead to speak at a big dinner at the Museum of Civilization on the evening of Nov. 30..."

Considering how Karl Rove has packaged his puppet to be a fearless Texas macho man, Bush sure seems to be a pussy when it comes to facing any criticism from foreign politicians.
His paranoia had created a boy in a bubble syndrome that must be hard to endure for an extroverted, frat boy prankster like him.
In his recent visit to Chile, Bush insisted his enormous Secret Service detail be allowed to pat down and search everyone who'd been invited to the State Dinner planned in Bush's honor.
To his credit, the Chilean president refused to allow Bush's American Gestapo to subject his distinguished dinner guests to being frisked before dinner; in fact he was insulted by the demand and canceled the dinner.
Now Bush is ducking the Canadian Parliament because he's scared to face those ferociously confrontational Canuck politicos.
Yeah, right.
No sense exposing him to differing global viewpoints, even from hyper-polite Canucks.

When you are the self-appointed King of the World, input from other nations just doesn't matter.

They ought to skip the idiot's appearance at the Ottowa Museum of Civilization and just schedule him to fire the starting gun at a suburban Ottawa tractor pull. That way he can just shoot any hecklers who dare to speak harshly to him.

Fucking wimp.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Karen Zipdrive's Deep Thoughts

Remember to look for the blessings in horrible events.
We aren't learning a thing when we're lying on a beach, drinking a piña colada.
It's only when creepy stuff happens that our mettle is tested. Steel is tempered by fire.
My dogma is chasing my karma.

That was then, this is now. Onward and upward.

Your deep thoughts?

Monday, November 22, 2004

Face Like a Moonpie

I have pretty much stopped eating bread.
I stopped buying loaves of it for household use because,as it turns out, bread is a platform for a multitude of bad things, like buttered toast, peanut butter and jelly, tuna salad, cheese and other sandwiches that contain at least a few fattening things.
I eat an occasional slice of whole grain, fancy-pants bread with a salad at Whole Foods, and occasionally I eat raisin toast when I order oatmeal at a restaurant, otherwise I am off it.
Yesterday, after a week of hard exercise and low carbs, I had this excruciating craving for a hamburger.
I wanted one so much, nothing else would do. So I went to Burger King and ordered an Angus Steak™ burger.
It was okay, but not quite up to the fantasy I'd created. I chalked it up to experience and moved on.
When I woke up this morning, the angled cheekbones I had seen all week were gone. In their place was a face as round as a jack o'lantern. Turns out, jack o' lanterns are not at all attractive in flesh tones, with eyeglasses. Nor are Moonpies.
Maybe it was the bun, or the mayo or the meat, but whatever it was, I am now off hamburgers.
It's amazing how inured I once was to eating junk. I never noticed the physical effects because I was never away from rich food long enough to see the difference it makes on my face.
I might have grounds for a lawsuit against Burger King.
My self esteem is shattered, I have emotional angst and a subsequent nervous condition that could trigger an addictive craving for more junk food.
Anyone know a good plaintiff's attorney? This could become a class action thing.
Speaking of diets, does anyone join me in thinking Anna Nicole Smith looks a lot like she's been on the three grams a day cocaine diet?
There's sensible diet and exercise thin, then there's "you look psychotic from too many drugs" thin.
Having seen her show many times, I'm thinking it's gotta be the latter. I wonder if her "assistant" Kim has also lost weight? Hmmmm.
Back By Popular Demand

Okay, the poll I posted last time was so much fun, here's another. There's actually been no demand for another, but I thought the headline sounded compelling.
Here's Poll #2:

1. What happened the time you got the drunkest you've ever been?
2. What's the best present you ever received, and who gave it to you?
3. Do you prefer shrimp, lobster or tofu?
4. Would you rather date someone brilliant but completely homely or gorgeous and dumb as a box of rocks?
5. What's the longest time you've made love without leaving the bedroom (or wherever) except for food and bathroom breaks?
6. Who was your first serious kiss with and how old were you?
7. Have you ever been to Texas? What city/cities?
8. What is meant by "feed it and it will grow"?
9. If you could be the opposite gender for one weekend, would you do it?
10.(a) If you are straight and had to make love with a member of your own sex, who would it be?
10.(b) If you are gay or lesbian and had to make love with a member of the opposite sex, who would it be?

Friday, November 19, 2004

Readers Talk Back

Please answer the following in the comments box:
1. If you could duct tape someone you dislike into a lawn chair and make them listen to three songs over and over and over, who would the person be and what would the songs be?
2. If you could smash a pie in George W. Bush's face, what flavor would it be?
3. What's your favorite sandwich?
4. What kind of underwear do you prefer?
5. Describe your favorite shoes.
6. Do you have a piggy bank? How much is in it?
7. Would you wear bright orange pants if they fit great and were of superior quality?
8. Scott Peterson: life without parole or the death penalty?
9. Would you rather drive a Saturn with dents and a bad paint job that ran great or a BMW that looked great but had frequent engine troubles?
10. What actor or actress would you refuse to go to the Academy Awards with?

Thursday, November 18, 2004

Survivor and the Apprentice Tonight

I think, with the women in control of the majority, they'd have to be downright stupid to vote out one of their own.
Though it's never wise to underestimate the stupidity of the castaways, I still think Chad and Chris are tonight's sitting ducks.
Of the two males, Chad has failed to charm any of the women sufficiently to cause any rifts in the girl-girl alliance. Chris still has Twyla in his web, sorta.
Buh Bye, Chad.

In The Apprentice, I heard a rumor that two people will be fired tonight. The project is supposed to be about a new line of blue jeans, so already Apex has the edge with all those girly girls on the team. If that's true, that leaves Mosiac with Ivana, whom everyone seems to detest, and Andy, who is cute but way too wet behind the ears.
So, I say bye bye to Ivana and Andy.

Your picks?
Lurkers reminder: this is your day to delurk.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

One More Reason to Despise the GOP...

GOP Approves New Party Rules in Light of DeLay


"WASHINGTON (Nov. 17) - House Republicans approved a party rules change Wednesday that could allow Majority leader Tom DeLay to retain his leadership post if he is indicted by a Texas grand jury on state political corruption charges."

In other words, if you're a GOP about be indicted on corruption charges in your home state, the GOP Congress has switched the rules so it's still okie dokie for you to lead the House majority.
And they wonder why people think they're a bunch of phonies and crooks.
Then the Rains Came

Last night, I got all hunkered down to watch "The Biggest Loser" on NBC. It's a reality show about obese people on two teams, seeing who can lose the most weight.
I like that show because it makes me feel so guilty, I end up watching it from my exercise bike, pedaling through at least half the show. It's always good for at least 10 more miles on my bike's odometer.
But we had a bit of rainy weather last night and the local NBC affiliate thought it would be better to bring out all their fancypants, multicolor Doppler Weatherscan 5000 software and spend at least 2 hours showing us where the fucking rain was, where it had been and where it was going.
It was a hard rain, but it's not as if mobile home courts were being uprooted and trailers were spinning in the air.
So, this morning I had to Google and find out which team member got eliminated.
Damn it! It was Matt, the lovable, pudgy gay boy. I loved that guy, and I missed his elimination.
All I have to show for it is two perky pine trees in my front yard and a lawn that makes a squishy sound when I walk on it.
WOAI Channel 4 Weather in San Antonio can shove that Doppler up their tiny little asses.
Don't be messing with my losers.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Bloggy Bits

It's been a while since I did this, but I think a little news update with commentary is long overdue.

• Scott Peterson found guilty.
Good. I was glad to see him convicted of first degree murder for killing his wife, and second degree murder for the death of his unborn son. The anti-choice people wanted the death of the fetus to be a first degree murder conviction to further bolster their claim that a fetus was a person, thereby making abortion tantamount to murder.
I hope he gets life without parole, in a cell without a mirror. Death would be too easy for a prick like him.
• Liza Minnelli's former bodyguard/chauffeur charges her with assault and sexual abuse.
All I can say is, I can't stand it when people can't handle their liquor or drugs. Liza's mother Judy Garland was nuts, and I can see the pecans didn't fall far from the tree in that family. It's just creepy is what it is.
• Condoleezza Rice as Secretary of State? The Peter Principle lives, except I thought she rose to her own level of incompetence, asleep at the wheel as National Security Advisor.
• Bill O'Reilly. I thought Mister No Spin said he planned to fight to the death allegations that he sexually harassed his producer. Suddenly the lawsuit just went away. I hope she made at least a couple of million off the old pervert. And whatever she made won't be from the proceeds of his children's book- the public isn't buying the crap he's selling- at least not for their kids.
• Land's End. How many catalogues do they need to send me this year? Seems like I get at least three a week. I need a separate recycling bin just for their stuff. Enough, already. Same goes for credit card companies sending me notices that I am already approved for their cards. I think they all hired Rainman to send me this crap. It's incessant!

What's on your mind? Let's talk about it.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

Slapping the Other Cheek
November 14, 2004

You'd think the one good thing about merging church and state would be that politics would be suffused with glistening Christian sentiments like "love thy neighbor," "turn the other cheek," "good will toward men," "blessed be the peacemakers" and "judge not lest you be judged."

Yet somehow I'm not getting a peace, charity, tolerance and forgiveness vibe from the conservatives and evangelicals who claim to have put their prodigal son back in office.

I'm getting more the feel of a vengeful mob - revved up by rectitude - running around with torches and hatchets after heathens and pagans and infidels.

One fiery Southern senator actually accused a nice Catholic columnist of having horns coming up out of her head!

Bob Jones III, president of the fundamentalist college of the same name, has written a letter to the president telling him that "Christ has allowed you to be his servant" so he could "leave an imprint for righteousness," by appointing conservative judges and approving legislation "defined by biblical norm."

"In your re-election, God has graciously granted America - though she doesn't deserve it - a reprieve from the agenda of paganism," Mr. Jones wrote. "Put your agenda on the front burner and let it boil. You owe the liberals nothing. They despise you because they despise your Christ." Way harsh.

The Christian avengers and inquisitors, hearts hard as marble, are chasing poor 74-year-old Arlen Specter through the Capitol's marble halls, determined to flagellate him and deny him his cherished goal of taking over the Senate Judiciary Committee.

Not only are they irate at his fairly innocuous comment after the election that anti-Roe v. Wade judges would have a hard time getting through the Senate. They are also full of bloodthirsty feelings of revenge against the senator for championing stem cell research and for voting against Robert Bork - who denounces Mr. Specter as "a bit shifty" - 17 years ago.

"He is a problem, and he must be derailed," Dr. James Dobson, founder and chairman of Focus on the Family, told George Stephanopoulos.

Sounding more like the head of a mob family than a ministry, Dr. Dobson told Mr. Stephanopoulos about a warning he issued a White House staffer after the election that the president and Republicans had better deliver on issues like abortion, gay marriage and conservative judges or "I believe they'll pay a price in the next election."

Certainly Mr. Specter has done his part for the conservative cause. He accused Anita Hill of "flat-out perjury" for a minor inconsistency in her testimony against Clarence Thomas, that good Christian jurist who once had a taste for porn films.

Some in the White House thought of giving Mr. Specter the post and then keeping him on a short leash. But the power puritans have no mercy. They say he's a mealy-mouthed impediment to the crusade of evangelicals and conservative Catholic bishops - who delivered their vote with ruthless efficacy - to overturn Roe v. Wade.

Mr. Stephanopoulos asked Dr. Dobson about his comment to The Daily Oklahoman that "Patrick Leahy is a 'God's people-hater.' I don't know if he hates God, but he hates God's people," noting that it was not a particularly Christian thing to say about the ranking Democrat on the Judiciary Committee. (Especially after that vulgar un-Christian thing Dick Cheney spat at Mr. Leahy last summer.)

"George," Dr. Dobson haughtily snapped back, "do you think you ought to lecture me on what a Christian is all about?" Why not? The TV host is the son of a Greek Orthodox priest.

Acting as though Mr. Bush's decisions should be taken on faith, John Ashcroft lashed into judges for not giving Mr. Bush unbridled power in his war against terror.

Speaking Friday before an adulatory Federalist Society, a group of conservative lawyers, Mr. Ashcroft echoed remarks he made to the Senate soon after 9/11 arguing that objecting to the president's antiterror proposals could give "ammunition to America's enemies."

He asserted that judges who interfere in or second guess the president's constitutional authority to make decisions during war can jeopardize the "very security of our nation in a time of war."

And since the president has no end in sight to his war on terror, that makes him infallible ad infinitum?

Friday, November 12, 2004

A Bloggy Snack

There's a lot of news I'd like to comment on, but today is a busy one for me and I'll have to do it later. Is there anything you'd like to read or talk about? Let me know.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Survivor! Apprentice!

Last week, Chad, Chris, Sarge and Rory tried to oust Ami, who happens to be my favorite.
The four boys failed, because Ami, Eliza, Julie, Leann, Scout and Twila voted to oust Rory.
My best friend Anna liked Rory but didn't like Ami. She is not gay and she loves Motown music, so that explains why.
We almost had a fight over it but I was too lazy to get up and get in her face, so we had ice cream instead. Then we forgot to finish the fight because (1) Ami appeared in that bikini and I became transfixed and (2) Anna has the attention span of a three-day-old puppy.
Rory's overdue departure leaves three boys and six girls left, meaning one of those boys is gonna get it.
Who can it be?
It won't be Chad because he is one-legged and the girls are...well, they're girls.
Chris has the biggest grudge toward Ami, and Ami is the Queen of the Island who Must Not Be Dissed.
Sarge was very dour last episode, and girls don't like dour.
The vote?
All three men against Ami, because they are afraid of the mythical lure of Sappho.
The women will go after either Chris or Sarge, probably Chris.
Or Sarge.

On the Apprentice:
That idiot Chris shot off his mouth in the boardroom last week, earning a seething sneer from Carolyn, a tongue lashing from Trump and a gassy scowl from that other guy.
He's gonna be the project manager for this episode, but with Carolyn's panties already in a wad, Trump already thinking he's an ass, and the project being something about a bridal salon, he's a dead man walking.
Someone gets into a wreck driving some kind of delivery van, but that will end up being Chris's fault because he is pre-marked with the slash of Carolyn.
Everyone can breathe easily and kick back and do a half-assed job because, like Survivor, this will be a bad night for anyone named Chris.
Who do you pick?


"The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved."
- JOHN ASHCROFT, the attorney general, in his resignation letter.

Talk amongst yourselves.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Betty Bower's
Blue States vs. Red States checklist

Blue States: Home of good schools
Red States: Homeskooled good

Blue States: Want a big tent for their Party.
Red States: Wears a big tent to her party.

Blue States: Favor electric cars
Red States: Favor electric chairs

Blue States: Concerned about ballooning deficits' effect on capital markets turning gains into thin air
Red States: Concerned about whether it's demons that make balloons float in thin air

Blue States: Dream of making enough money to kite and swim with Czechs in Biarritz
Red States: Dream of kiting enough checks to swim in Schlitz

Blue States: Favor institutionalized health care for the poor
Red States: Favor institutionalizing the poor

Blue States: After the 9/11 attacks, put coffins in the ground
Red States: After the 9/11 attacks, put magnetic flags on the car

Blue States: Forget that God did not give Adam a Steve
Red States: Forget that not only did God give Abraham three wives, He gave Solomon 300 concubines

Blue States: Enormous cities that serve as the engines of human progress
Red States: Enormous Hummers that serve as the engines for Arab oil

Blue States: Provide the "tax" part of "tax and spend"
Red States: Provide the "spend on a new 8-lane highway to link a Wal-Mart to the Olive Garden"
part of "tax and spend"

Blue States: Believe we're all brothers and sisters under the skin.
Red States: Don't mind if we're brothers and sisters under the sheets.

Blue States: Fighting to clean up skid row
Red States: Fighting to clean up skid marks

Blue States: Concerned about global warming
Red States: Don't like to travel and are too fat to fit in an airline seat anyway, so glad to hear that the tropics are coming to Texas. Yee-haw!

Blue States: Follow Jesus, but doesn't believe in Him
Red States: Believe in Jesus, but doesn't follow Him

Blue States: Want to repeal the Patriot Act
Red States: Want to repeal the Emancipation Proclamation

Blue States: Looking for a method to weaken China every day
Red States: Sold everyday china for a weekend of meth

Blue States: Favor drafting annoying laws on assault rifles
Red States: Assault annoying in-laws with rifles after being drafted

Blue States: Want the right for everyone to worship as they choose
Red States: Want the right to choose everyone's worship

Blue States: Women wrestling with the right to choose
Red States: Choose women's wrestling

Blue States: Want a rational energy policy
Red States: Want policy of energetic irrationalism

Blue States: Used benefits to assist victims on account of attacks
Red States: Used attacks to benefit Toby Keith's bank account

Blue States: Watched friends in New York die in foxy attacks on America
Red States: Attack New York on Fox for not being friends of America

Blue States: Believe God loves us and gave everyone free will to be different
Red States: Believe God willed us to freely hate everyone different

Blue States: Believe absence makes the heart grow fonder
Red States: Believe abstinence saves the tart from plunder

Blue States: Believe in Mr. Darwin's theory of "Evolution"
Red States: Believe in Mr. Jesus' "Talking Snake" theory

Blue States: Slave to pay inheritance taxes
Red States: Inherited slaves

Blue States: Buy art
Red States: Collect Beanie Babies
The One Nice Thing to Consider

I've been thinking of reasons not to lose all hope with Bush rigging another victory, and I have finally come up with an idea that splits my woes in half.
Bush was "elected" for four more years, but crooks in office like Nixon had two years of his second term before he was busted and made to leave in disgrace.
Watergate was minor compared to ballot tampering and so many other capers Bush has pulled off.
But even without crimes sticking to Bush, he'll still be a lame duck without the clout to force the Republicans to continue to do his bidding.
Within two years, the other GOP scalawags will be jockeying for power, and Bush will be politely ignored.
Even in today's news, a federal judge ruled that Bush had both overstepped his constitutional bounds and improperly brushed aside the Geneva Conventions in establishing military commissions to try detainees as war criminals.
And with Bush's military killing off record numbers of Iraqi civilians in Bush's victory celebration attack on Fallujah, I suspect Iraqi support for U.S. occupation might still have some ample dwindle room.
I'll bet even as we speak, Karl Rove is busily thinking up more palatable phrases than, "instituting a draft" or "selective service."
I think all Bush ever really wanted to do was show his daddy he could grab two terms, and now that he has, he's likely to lose interest in the hard, hard work it takes to be Reign Man.
It's a pity we had to take part in Bush's unresolved Oedipal issues, but it might be fun to watch him crumble, still trying unsuccessfully to win the love and respect of his big dyke mommy.

Monday, November 08, 2004

Another Stolen Bush Election?
Evidence Mounts That The Vote May Have Been Hacked

by Thom Hartmann / Common Dreams Nov. 6, 2004

When I spoke with Jeff Fisher this morning (Saturday,
November 06, 2004), the Democratic candidate for the
U.S. House of Representatives from Florida's 16th
District said he was waiting for the FBI to show up.
Fisher has evidence, he says, not only that the
Florida election was hacked, but of who hacked it and
how. And not just this year, he said, but that these
same people had previously hacked the Democratic
primary race in 2002 so that Jeb Bush would not have
to run against Janet Reno, who presented a real threat
to Jeb, but instead against Bill McBride, who Jeb
"It was practice for a national effort," Fisher told me.
And evidence is accumulating that the national effort
happened on November 2, 2004.
The State of Florida, for example, publishes a
county-by-county record of votes cast and people
registered to vote by party affiliation. Net denizen
Kathy Dopp compiled the official state information
into a table, available at, and
noticed something startling.
While the heavily scrutinized touch-screen voting
machines seemed to produce results in which the
registered Democrat/Republican ratios matched the
Kerry/Bush vote, and so did the optically scanned
paper ballots in the larger counties, in Florida's
smaller counties the results from the optically
scanned paper ballots - fed into a central tabulator
PC and thus vulnerable to hacking - seem to have been
In Baker County, for example, with 12,887 registered
voters, 69.3% of them Democrats and 24.3% of them
Republicans, the vote was only 2,180 for Kerry and
7,738 for Bush, the opposite of what is seen
everywhere else in the country where registered
Democrats largely voted for Kerry.
In Dixie County, with 4,988 registered voters, 77.5%
of them Democrats and a mere 15% registered as
Republicans, only 1,959 people voted for Kerry, but
4,433 voted for Bush.
The pattern repeats over and over again - but only in
the smaller counties where, it was probably assumed,
the small voter numbers wouldn't be much noticed.
Franklin County, 77.3% registered Democrats, went
58.5% for Bush. Holmes County, 72.7% registered
Democrats, went 77.25% for Bush.
Yet in the larger counties, where such anomalies would
be more obvious to the news media, high percentages of
registered Democrats equaled high percentages of votes
for Kerry.
More visual analysis of the results can be seen at,
And, although elections officials didn't notice these
anomalies, in aggregate they were enough to swing
Florida from Kerry to Bush. If you simply go through
the analysis of these counties and reverse the
"anomalous" numbers in those counties that appear to
have been hacked, suddenly the Florida election
results resemble the Florida exit poll results: Kerry
won, and won big.
Those exit poll results have been a problem for
reporters ever since Election Day.
Election night, I'd been doing live election coverage
for WDEV, one of the radio stations that carries my
syndicated show, and, just after midnight, during the
12:20 a.m. Associated Press Radio News feed, I was
startled to hear the reporter detail how Karen Hughes
had earlier sat George W. Bush down to inform him that
he'd lost the election. The exit polls were clear:
Kerry was winning in a landslide. "Bush took the news
stoically," noted the AP report.
But then the computers reported something different.
In several pivotal states.
Conservatives see a conspiracy here: They think the
exit polls were rigged.
Dick Morris, the infamous political consultant to the
first Clinton campaign who became a Republican
consultant and Fox News regular, wrote an article for
The Hill, the publication read by every political
junkie in Washington, DC, in which he made a couple of
brilliant points.
"Exit Polls are almost never wrong," Morris wrote.
"They eliminate the two major potential fallacies in
survey research by correctly separating actual voters
from those who pretend they will cast ballots but
never do and by substituting actual observation for
guesswork in judging the relative turnout of different
parts of the state."

He added: "So, according to ABC-TVs exit polls, for
example, Kerry was slated to carry Florida, Ohio, New
Mexico, Colorado, Nevada, and Iowa, all of which Bush
carried. The only swing state the network had going to
Bush was West Virginia, which the president won by 10
Yet a few hours after the exit polls were showing a
clear Kerry sweep, as the computerized vote numbers
began to come in from the various states the election
was called for Bush.
How could this happen?
On the CNBC TV show "Topic A With Tina Brown," several
months ago, Howard Dean had filled in for Tina Brown
as guest host. His guest was Bev Harris, the Seattle
grandmother who started from
her living room. Bev pointed out that regardless of
how votes were tabulated (other than hand counts, only
done in odd places like small towns in Vermont), the
real "counting" is done by computers. Be they Diebold
Opti-Scan machines, which read paper ballots filled in
by pencil or ink in the voter's hand, or the scanners
that read punch cards, or the machines that simply
record a touch of the screen, in all cases the final
tally is sent to a "central tabulator" machine.
That central tabulator computer is a Windows-based PC.
"In a voting system," Harris explained to Dean on
national television, "you have all the different
voting machines at all the different polling places,
sometimes, as in a county like mine, there's a
thousand polling places in a single county. All those
machines feed into the one machine so it can add up
all the votes. So, of course, if you were going to do
something you shouldn't to a voting machine, would it
be more convenient to do it to each of the 4000
machines, or just come in here and deal with all of
them at once?"
Dean nodded in rhetorical agreement, and Harris
continued. "What surprises people is that the central
tabulator is just a PC, like what you and I use. It's
just a regular computer."
"So," Dean said, "anybody who can hack into a PC can
hack into a central tabulator?"
Harris nodded affirmation, and pointed out how Diebold
uses a program called GEMS, which fills the screen of
the PC and effectively turns it into the central
tabulator system. "This is the official program that
the County Supervisor sees," she said, pointing to a
PC that was sitting between them loaded with Diebold's
Bev then had Dean open the GEMS program to see the
results of a test election. They went to the screen
titled "Election Summary Report" and waited a moment
while the PC "adds up all the votes from all the
various precincts," and then saw that in this faux
election Howard Dean had 1000 votes, Lex Luthor had
500, and Tiger Woods had none. Dean was winning.
"Of course, you can't tamper with this software,"
Harris noted. Diebold wrote a pretty good program.
But, it's running on a Windows PC.
So Harris had Dean close the Diebold GEMS software, go
back to the normal Windows PC desktop, click on the
"My Computer" icon, choose "Local Disk C:," open the
folder titled GEMS, and open the sub-folder "LocalDB"
which, Harris noted, "stands for local database,
that's where they keep the votes." Harris then had
Dean double-click on a file in that folder titled
"Central Tabulator Votes," which caused the PC to open
the vote count in a database program like Excel.
In the "Sum of the Candidates" row of numbers, she
found that in one precinct Dean had received 800 votes
and Lex Luthor had gotten 400.
"Let's just flip those," Harris said, as Dean cut and
pasted the numbers from one cell into the other.
"And," she added magnanimously, "let's give 100 votes
to Tiger."
They closed the database, went back into the official
GEMS software "the legitimate way, you're the county
supervisor and you're checking on the progress of your
As the screen displayed the official voter tabulation,
Harris said, "And you can see now that Howard Dean has
only 500 votes, Lex Luthor has 900, and Tiger Woods
has 100." Dean, the winner, was now the loser.
Harris sat up a bit straighter, smiled, and said, "We just edited
an election, and it took us 90 seconds."
On live national television. (You can see the clip on
Which brings us back to Morris and those pesky exit
polls that had Karen Hughes telling George W. Bush
that he'd lost the election in a landslide.
Morris's conspiracy theory is that the exit polls
"were sabotage" to cause people in the western states
to not bother voting for Bush, since the networks
would call the election based on the exit polls for
Kerry. But the networks didn't do that, and had never
intended to. It makes far more sense that the exit
polls were right - they weren't done on Diebold PCs -
and that the vote itself was hacked.
And not only for the presidential candidate - Jeff
Fisher thinks this hit him and pretty much every other
Democratic candidate for national office in the
most-hacked swing states.
So far, the only national "mainstream" media to come
close to this story was Keith Olbermann on his show
Friday night, November 5th, when he noted that it was
curious that all the voting machine irregularities so
far uncovered seem to favor Bush. In the meantime, the
Washington Post and other media are now going through
single-bullet-theory-like contortions to explain how
the exit polls had failed.
But I agree with Fox's Dick Morris on this one, at
least in large part. Wrapping up his story for The
Hill, Morris wrote in his final paragraph, "This was
no mere mistake. Exit polls cannot be as wrong across
the board as they were on election night. I suspect
foul play."

Friday, November 05, 2004

Electile Dysfunction

I haven't been up to watching even a moment of post election coverage, but I did see a snippet of Bush talking last night on a clip The Daily Show aired.
His arrogance was worse than ever, and apparently he thinks he's earned some political capital that "he plans to spend." He said that's "his style." He thinks 3 million votes was a mandate.
He doesn't know a mandate from a mandrill.
I thought I could learn to accept four more years of this parallel universe political insanity, but I don't see how that will be possible.
I tried not to believe Diebold rigged the results in Ohio but the fact is, I do think they were rigged.
Only one good thing has come from this nightmare: my friend Barcodie redeemed himself as a class act. Otherwise, I see nothing but downside.

I am leaving town for the weekend.
I have to get away, get on the open road with the music blasting, and shake off these horrible feelings. I need to do it before gas prices double again.
I need to be around my family, all yellow dog Democrats, so we can commiserate.

I feel like the phoenix, just before she finishes molting and turns to ash.

Thursday, November 04, 2004

Survivor and Apprentice Tonight

Probably a Survivor merge is coming, so we'll get to see the true players start to emerge.
Who's out tonight? Stupid Julie or obnoxious Rory.
Who's tonight's MVP? Ami. Just because she's so hot in that bikini, and our eyes need something soothing after seeing that smirking chimp all fucking week. Plus, she bats for our team.

In The Apprentice, I just don't like Ivana.
I have no idea who'll get fired, but I'd just as soon choose her. She's annoying.

Your picks?

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

A Post-Election Workshop

They say it's best to get your feelings out when you are feeling sad, angry or upset.
So, cut and paste, then fill in the blank after this statement:

When I found out Kerry lost, I felt like____________________________________.
My Aching Heart

I am not angry today. I am sad. To the core of my being, I feel nothing but abject, numbing sorrow.
Anger will have to wait until I can free myself from the paralysis of this sadness I feel.
One thing I did this election, besides contributing money, displaying signs and stickers and Blogging my heart out for Kerry, was to reach out to my next door neighbor kids.
Jason and Jesse are in their 20's, but they still live with their parents in a sheltered, Jehovah's Witness household.
Their parents are sweet people, but their religion prohibits political involvement, so they stay out of it. Their kids had been apolitical as well, until recently.
Over the summer, I took every opportunity to talk to the boys about the importance of this election.
Yesterday, they proudly told me they voted in their first-ever election. For Kerry.
Today, Jesse came by to say he was baking me some cookies as a conciliation gesture- and as a thank you, for taking the time to get him involved, interested and excited about politics.
He was so disappointed his first vote didn't turn out as he'd hoped- but then I reminded him that he, his brother and I had essentially canceled out Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld's votes.
It was a sweet and heartfelt exchange that took some of the chill from my frozen heart.
While I am indulging myself in this wash of disappointment and sorrow, I find solace in remembering this:
Before Nixon started running for his second term, Watergate was discovered.
He was reelected in spite of what seemed to many of us a smoking gun of epic proportions.
It took two years into his second term to nail him, but he was nailed, and so was his criminal Vice President Spiro Agnew, for income tax evasion.
They left office in disgrace.
Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it.
Let's all hope that adage remains true. Justice, like revenge, can be a dish best served cold.
But let's forget revenge- let's all just pray for justice.
Giving Barcodeking his Due

As everyone knows, I lost $100 bet when Kerry lost the election.
I received the following e-mail from the winner of the bet, my politcal nemesis Barcodie, and I have to respect his constraint.

"Hi Karen,

It's over. Kerry has done the gracious thing and the right thing for the country. Don't feel bad. Your side fought the good fight for what you believed was right, just as the Confederates did during the Civil War. This time, unlike the last election, there really is no doubt whatsoever about who won. I'm glad that President Bush got a majority of the popular vote and a wide margin of victory, as well as the most votes ever cast for a U.S. president in our history. Those with "Selected Not Elected" bumper stickers on their Volvos will have to scrape them off.

In the words of a great Republican:

With malice toward none; with charity for all; with firmness in the right, as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in; to bind up the nation's wounds; to care for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow, and his orphan--to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace among ourselves, and with all nations.
--Abraham Lincoln, Second Inaugural Address, March 4, 1865

Lincoln knew that you had to win the war first, but that it was possible to be magnanimous in victory.

You can send the $100 to the Red Cross Disaster Relief Fund."

I will soon be sending the Red Cross a check, with instructions to apply the contribution to disaster relief in Clyde's home state of Florida.
I think Clyde deserves a pat on the back for being a most gracious winner.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

The World Is Waiting

If you are reading this and have not yet voted, log off your computer, rush to the polls and cast a vote.
If you are tired of the roller coaster Bush has had us on since the Supreme Court appointed him, vote him out.
If you have to wait in line all day, cast your vote.
If you have to hitchhike, get to the polls.
This is the most important election America has ever held.
In a close race, your vote could be the one that decides whether we endure four more years of oppression, secrecy, lies, venomous partisanship and war, or renewed prosperity and a safer, saner country.
In the comments section, tell us you voted.
Lurkers, please delurk for this one day and tell us you voted.

Monday, November 01, 2004

I Am George W. Bush and I Improve of This Ad

My Fellow Americans, I am asking for your vote to be your next president but don't take my word for it, listen to my words from before so you'll know I have licked the learning curveball and mastered the hard, hard work of becoming more of a presidential.
These are quotes from my presidential quotations:

"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYN's aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country."

"Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat."

"That's why I went to the Congress last September and proposed fundamental supplemental funding, which is money for armor and body parts and ammunition and fuel."

"I didn't join the International Criminal Court because I don't want to put our troops in the hands of prosecutors from other nations. Look, if somebody has done some wrong in our military, we'll take care of it. We got plenty of capability of dealing with justice."

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we," he said. "They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."

"But the true strength of America is found in the hearts and souls of people like Travis, people who are willing to love their neighbor, just like they would like to love themselves."

"More Muslims have died at the hands of killers than I say more Muslims a lot of Muslims have died I don't know the exact count at Istanbul. Look at these different places around the world where there's been tremendous death and destruction because killers kill."

"I want to remind you all that I -- in order to fight and win the war, it requires a expenditure of money that is commiserate with keeping a promise to our troops to make sure that they're well-paid, well-trained, well-equipped."

"As you know, these are open forums, you're able to come and listen to what I have to say."

"The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the -- the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice."

"This is historic times....whether they be Christian, Jew, or Muslim, or Hindu, people have heard the universal call to love a neighbor just like they'd like to be called themselves.

"Washington is a town where there's all kinds of allegations. You've heard much of the allegations. And if people have got solid information, please come forward with it. And that would be people inside the information who are the so-called anonymous sources, or people outside the information, outside the administration."

"...that's just the nature of democracy. Sometimes pure politics enters into the rhetoric."

"Security is the essential roadblock to achieving the road map to peace."

"It's very interesting when you think about it, the slaves who left here to go to America, because of their steadfast and their religion and their belief in freedom, helped change America."

"You've also got to measure in order to begin to effect change that's just more—when there's more than talk, there's just actual—a paradigm shift."

"All up and down the different aspects of our society, we had meaningful discussions. Not only in the Cabinet Room, but prior to this and after this day, our secretaries, respective secretaries, will continue to interact to create the conditions necessary for prosperity to reign."

"We are on the look. We will reveal the truth. But one thing is certain. No terrorist network will gain weapons of mass destruction from the Iraqi regime, because the Iraqi regime is no more,"

"I am determined to keep the process on the road to peace."

"I recently met with the finance minister of the Palestinian Authority, was very impressed by his grasp of finances."

"Oftentimes, we live in a processed world—you know, people focus on the process and not results."

"Israel has got responsibilities. Israel must deal with the settlements. Israel must make sure there's a continuous territory that Palestinians call home." (The White House, which late in the day produced a transcript of Mr. Bush's remarks, put the word "contiguous" in parentheses after "continuous," to indicate that "contiguous" was what Mr. Bush had meant.

"All up and down the different aspects of our society, we had meaningful discussions. Not only in the Cabinet Room, but prior to this and after this day, our secretaries, respective secretaries, will continue to interact to create the conditions necessary for prosperity to reign."

"We ended the rule of one of history's worst tyrants, and in so doing, we not only freed the American people, we made our own people more secure."

"I don't bring God into my life to—to, you know, kind of be a political person."

"Let freedom reign."

Folks, if you elect me your president, together we can make the pie higher. Be sure and vote on November 3 and make it a vote for Bush, and a more encroachable America.

Sunday, October 31, 2004

Bush, you're an asshole.

There's one born every minute!

Barcodeking better get his $100 together, because he's gonna lose our bet.
What She Said.

Will Osama Help W.?
Published: October 31, 2004

WASHINGTON — Some people thought the October surprise would be the president producing Osama.
Instead, it was Osama producing yet another video taunting the president and lecturing America.
After bin Laden's pre-election commentary from his anchor desk at a secure, undisclosed location, many TV chatterers and Republicans postulated that the evildoer's campaign intrusion would help the president.
O.B.L., they said, might re-elect W.
They follow the Bush strategists' reasoning that since President Bush rates higher than John Kerry on fighting terror, anytime Americans get rattled about Iraq and Al Qaeda, it's a plus for the president. And Republicans can keep claiming that Al Qaeda wants the "weak" Democrat elected, even as some intelligence experts suggest the terrorists prefer that the belligerent Mr. Bush stay in power because he has been a boon to jihadist recruiting, with his disastrous occupation of Iraq and his true believer, us-versus-them, my-Christian-God's-directing-my-foreign-policy vibe.
The Bushies' campaign pitch follows their usual backward logic: Because we have failed to make you safe, you should re-elect us to make you safer. Because we haven't caught Osama in three years, you need us to catch Osama in the next four years. Because we didn't bother to secure explosives in Iraq, you can count on us to make sure those explosives aren't used against you.
You'd think that seeing Osama looking fit as a fiddle and ready for hate would spark anger at the Bush administration's cynical diversion of the war on Al Qaeda to the war on Saddam. It's absurd that we're mired in Iraq - an invasion the demented vice president praised on Friday for its "brilliance" - while the 9/11 mastermind nonchalantly pops up anytime he wants. For some, it seemed cartoonish, with Osama as Road Runner beeping by Wile E. Bush as Dick Cheney and Rummy run the Acme/Halliburton explosives company - now under F.B.I. investigation for its no-bid contracts on anvils, axle grease (guaranteed slippery) and dehydrated boulders (just add water) .
Osama slouched onto TV bragging about pulling off the 9/11 attacks just after the president strutted onto TV in New Hampshire with 9/11 families, bragging that Al Qaeda leaders know "we are on their trail."
Maybe bin Laden hasn't gotten the word. Maybe W. should get off the trail and get on Osama's tail.
W. was clinging to his inane mantra that if we fight the terrorists over there, we don't have to fight them here, even as bin Laden was back on TV threatening to come here. The president still avoided using Osama's name on Friday, part of the concerted effort to downgrade him and merge him with Iraqi insurgents.
The White House reaction to the disclosures about the vanished explosives in Iraq was typical. Though it's clear the treasures and terrors of Iraq - from viruses to ammunition to artifacts - were being looted and loaded into donkey carts and pickups because we had insufficient troops to secure the country, Bush officials devoted the vast resources of the government to trying to undermine the facts to protect the president.
The Pentagon mobilized to debunk the bunker story with a tortured press conference and a satellite photo of trucks that proved about as much as Colin Powell's prewar drawings of two trailers that were supposed to be mobile biological weapons labs.
Republicans insinuated that it was a plot by foreign internationalists to help the foreigner-loving, internationalist Kerry, a U.N. leak from the camp of Mohamed ElBaradei to hurt the administration that had scorned the U.N. as a weak sister.
In their ruthless determination to put Mr. Bush's political future ahead of our future safety, the White House and House Republicans last week thwarted the enactment of recommendations of the 9/11 commission they never wanted in the first place.
While pretending to be serious about getting a bill on reorganizing intelligence agencies before the election, the White House never forced Congressional Republicans to come to an agreement. So the advice from the panel that spent 19 months studying how the government could shore up intelligence so there wouldn't be another 9/11 may be squandered, even though Dick Cheney's favorite warning to scare voters away from Mr. Kerry is that we might someday face terrorists "in the middle of one of our cities with deadlier weapons than have ever before been used against us," including a nuclear bomb.
Wow. I feel safer. Don't you?

Friday, October 29, 2004

Four Newsy Bits

1. Bill O'Reilly suddenly settled the sexual harassment lawsuit lodged against him by his former producer, Andrea Mackris. When she initially made her allegations in the lawsuit, O'Reilly promptly countersued, citing extortion. He was quite bellicose in his denials.
I guess once he heard himself on tape talking like a pervert, he decided to swallow his foolish pride, drop his countersuit and pay up. He said he did it "to shield his loved ones."
I have heard of men naming their penises and balls before, but calling them "loved ones" is a new one on me.
2. When confronted with the news that hundreds of tons of explosives were missing from an ammo dump, Bush implied that they probably went missing before he directed American troops to invade Iraq.
The NY Times reports today a videotape shows a huge supply of explosives still at the Al Qaqaa munitions complex nine days after the fall of Baghdad.
Bush says under his leadership, we will be safer.
One pound of the same type of explosives can blow a huge commercial airliner to smithereens, as was the case with the airliner that exploded over Lockerbee, Scotland.
Commander in Chief Bush's troops lost track of 380 tons, enough to blow up every airliner in the world.
3. John Zogby, president of polling company Zogby International, said to The Daily Show's Jon Stewart last night that Kerry would be our next president, based on his company's latest polling results. He seemed as certain as I am, but he used his decades of polling expertise, as opposed to my political instincts as a journalist.
4. The Internal Revenue Service is planning to review the tax exempt status of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (N.A.A.C.P.) because its chairman Julian Bond made a speech in July that included statements critical of George W. Bush.
In an interview Thursday, Bond defended his remarks, saying they focused on policy, not politics.
"This is an attempt to silence the N.A.A.C.P. on the very eve of a presidential election," he said. "We are best known for registering and turning out large numbers of African-American voters. Clearly, someone in the I.R.S. doesn't want that to happen."
Bond, who has been chairman of the N.A.A.C.P. for six years, said he knew of no other time the I.R.S. had challenged the 95-year-old association's tax status on political grounds.
Now...why would Team Bush want to punish the N.A.A.C.P. after Bush has shown such warm regard for colored people?

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Survivor and The Apprentice TONIGHT

So long, Lisa- you messed with Amazon Ami. That'll teach ya.
Tonight, I feel like the women will win both challenges.
The man voted out? Gotta be cute little John, leaving Lopevi finally free of attractive men.
If I am wrong about the women's tribe winning, then buh bye, Julie.

On the Apprentice, I don't care how much Trump likes little Andy, I think he's gonna screw up managing his project tonight and get the boot.

Your picks?

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

For God's Sake, Make it Stop!

I am so sick of trying to be civil to people voting for that fucking idiot Bush I could projectile vomit. Maybe I should stay in isolation until after the election, I dunno.
In my travels today, I ran into two friends, ordinarily nice people, who told me they voted for Bush.
I politely rolled my eyes, but what I want to start doing is carrying with me a wet, mildewed dish cloth, rolled into a medium tight rattail, so I can snap people like that right in the middle of the face with it.
I want to remove the few Bush Cheney yard signs I've seen and carry them up to their front doors and beat people in the head with the cardboard part, then stab them in the chest with the pointy wooden part.
I want to spray paint and key cars with Bush bumper stickers, and flatten the huge tires on Bush lovers' pickups. I want to take a loaded paintball gun into Walmart and open fire on the slobs in the Bush gimme caps and T-shirts.
I want to hire transvestites to invade Bush Cheney campaign headquarters and make scenes with the male volunteers, saying they promised to marry them.
I want to kidnap Ann Coulter, duct tape her to a lawnchair, toothpick her eyelids open and force her to watch nonstop Toby Keith videos while she eats nothing but corndogs, funnel cake and week-old freedom fries.

Thank God for November 2, when Bush gets thrown out and I can return to That Loving Place.
Meanwhile, I have two words for Bush supporters, and I'll say them in Bushenglish so they can understand:

Go Fuck Yourselfs.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

The A to Z Talking Points Guide*:
Why Bush Does Not Deserve a Second Term

A: Attorney General John Ashcroft has held many press conferences announcing terrorist indictments, but none have come to justice. Also, he's a Pentecostal fanatic who thinks Calico cats are the embodiment of Satan.
B: Budget deficit. Bush squandered the surplus and ran us into record debt, yet the rich keep getting tax cuts.
C: Dick Cheney. He's still a Halliburton employee who sold out his country and his own lesbian daughter for money and votes.
D: Donald Rumsfeld. Abu Ghraib prison torture/spies in the Pentagon/no accountability/ill prepared troops in an unwinnable, undermanned war.
E: Environmental policies are the worst in this nation's history.
F: Foreign Policy: Bush's arrogance and unilateral policies have made our nation more unpopular throughout the world than any president in history.
G: Gasoline and other fuel prices are out of control. Even in Texas.
H: Halliburton. Ten billion in no bid, secret government contracts, seven million paid in fines for fraud against our government.
I: Iraq. No weapons of mass destruction, a nightmare of a war, rushed into without an exit strategy.
J: Judges. If Bush has his way, he'll stack the Supreme Court with more Scolias and Thomases. Good-bye civil rights, good-bye choice, good-bye minorities and gays.
K: Karl Rove. He's evil, he lies, he connives and he needs to be silenced.
L: Laura Bush. She's a chain smoking do-nothing who couldn't even raise two mature, sober twins. Her remarks on stem cell research were nothing short of ignorant- plus, she married Bush.
M: Military. None of the Bush administration have served, they don't know the perils of war and they are lying about initiating a draft to fight their personal war with Iraq.
N: No child left behind: underfunded and led by Sec. of Education Rod Paige, an imbecile who nearly ruined the Houston school system.
O: Osama Bin Laden. Where is he?
P: Patriot Act. Intrusive and insulting to our basic freedom and liberty as free Americans.
Q: Queers. Gays pay the same taxes as heterosexuals and should have the same rights. Period.
R: Retirement: We paid for Social Security benefits and we deserve to get them. Reduced RX drugs for elderly, RX drugs from Canada. Lies Bush told.
S: Saudi Arabia is our nation's enemy. The Bush family allows them more leeway than even trusted allies deserve, because the Saudis control the Bush family.
T: Tax cuts for the richest of the rich, plus Two-hundred billion dollars we don't have spent in Iraq.
U: Uniter not a divider. That was clearly a lie. Bush has created a chasm among Americans and in our relationships with other nations like no other leader in U.S. history.
V: Vietnam. Bush dodged the draft, using his father's influence, then he went AWOL in the reserves so he could attend grad school, which he entered with a C average.
W: Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. There were none. Period.
X: Xenophobia. It's ignorant, it's regressive, it's dangerous and it's wrong.
Y: Yucky Condoleezza Rice. She has no expertise in Middle Eastern affairs, and it shows. She has helped to spread partisan propaganda and lies. She is not respected globally because she's a partisan hack.
Z: Zero credibility about the draft. Experts say Bush will have to start drafting our young men and women to fight his war in Iraq. He said he won't, but he broke dozens of campaign promises in 2000, and he'll do it again.

Dear Readers: Please add to these as you see fit, there are far more than 26 reasons to oust this dangerous administration.

*Dedicated to Jax, with thanks for the inspiration.