Saturday, April 30, 2005

How Do You Spell Borderline Personality Disorder?

Okay, we called it.
My friends Susan, Elaine and I watched the news last night about bride-to-be Jennifer Wilbanks going missing just days before her wedding.
We saw those crazy, buggy-eyes of hers in every single photo they ran on the news and we decided she had to be nuts, way before the experts called it.
Now, I can see getting cold feet and leaving someone at the altar- I did that at age 23 when I almost married this handsome, chronic, bisexual fuck-up named Tony. About a month before the wedding, I called it off and instead ran off with a woman I met at the beach named Charlotte. Though she later earned the nickname Charlotte the Harlot, we did have three highly adventurous years in Venice Beach.
When I called it off though, nobody lost any money on wedding preparations and I didn't have to send 600 guests away, wondering what the fuck happened.
But Jennifer "Deer in the Headlights" Wilbanks chose to leave a judge's son at the altar in a town called Duluth, Georgia. Duluth has a population of about 50,000, which means everyone at the local Dairy Queen knows at least the judge and his wife, so the gossip must be incessant and totally humiliating for them and their son John Mason.
She didn't just call it off- she ran off in her sweats, without her ID or keys, hacked her hair off in a nearby field, jumped on a Vegas-bound Greyhound, then ended up in Albuquerque, pretending she'd been abducted by what she termed as an Hispanic couple.
Thinly veiled racism aside, that was after she'd already seen on all the news networks the story of the nationwide hunt for her and those tearful interviews with her loved ones.
This chick's story makes the pending nuptials of Mary Kay LeTourneau and Villi Fualaau look like a Vatican wedding, officiated by Pope John Paul, who returned just to bless their vows.

Come on. Just how much attention does one Buggy-eyed Borderline Bride need?

To summarize:

Invitations and postage: $2,000
Dinner and drinks for 600 wedding guests: $10,000.
Bridesmaids dresses and shoes for 14 bridesmaids: $2,500.
Tuxedo rentals for 14 groomsmen: $1,250
Flowers and Photographer: $3,000
Cake: $500
Rings: $3,000
Church rental, preacher fees and reception site rental: $1,000
The groom escaping having to marry a full blown nutter and telling her instead to go fuck herself: Priceless.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Survivor Tonight

Pee Yew!
Ian cleans up his act and uses the bath products available.
He also wins the reward challenge.
But alas, Stephenie gets the boot. Bye, honey.

On the Apprentice:
Gotta be Craig to go next. Trump ain't hiring no "shoeshine executive."

Who do you pick?
The Long DeLay Is Over

Oh, good. The ethics rules in Congress have been restored so Tom DeLay's flagrant abuse(s) of power can finally be investigated.
He's got one foot in the grave and another on a banana peel. Even his fellow criminal Newt Gingrich thinks he's a rotten apple.
And John Bolton, lame duck Bush's pick for UN Ambassador, has been under so much scrutiny even the stupidest people in America have caught on that he's a grouchy bastard who uses ferocious intimidation and tirades to get his way.
His confirmation is highly doubtful.
Now that Bush has ruined the economy and dragged us into a never-ending quagmire in Iraq, his second term is being overshadowed by GOP hopeful jackals like Professional Christian Bill Frist, who's jockeying to be the next Resident in the White House.
Frist is a medical doctor who is unsure if AIDS can be spread by sweat or saliva.
He brings similar expertise to his role as a political hack.
The word Republican is starting to leave the same bilious taste in America's mouth that many of us have been having since 2000.
My mistake has been in miscalculating the gullibility of the masses. I thought Bush and his ilk would have been thrown out long before now.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Blog Salad™

I got nothing.
So it's time to whip up a Blog Salad™ for everyone to sample.
• If a woman buys more than one pair of shoes per month, is that wrong?
• There's a photo going around the Internet with a photo of Johnnie Cochran's tombstone that says, "OJ DID IT." Have you seen it? I think that was a great use of the site Tombstone Generator @
• I pay my bills online and inadvertently overlooked paying my Chase Platinum card, resulting in my being late by two weeks. Those bastards jacked up my interest rate from less than 10% to 29.49%. Can you say "balance transfer"?
• If Bush was elected to serve the people and this new bankruptcy law benefits credit card companies at the peril of the consumer, who is Bush truly serving?
• I think Brad Pitt was shtupping Angelina Jolie all along. She's a siren, that's why.
• My cat James is very lonely without a companion cat. I may get a kitten but I'll need a male name, preferably one syllable. Any ideas?
• If someone winks at you, do you consider that a sexual innuendo?
• I was watching Penn & Teller's "Bullshit" on Showtime last night and they did a show on circumcision. Did anyone see that? It was more than I ever needed to know about foreskins.
• Is it just me or is David Spade a little creep?

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Mind Warp

I can't wrap my mind around The L Word episode this time. Can someone else explain it?
That Love Boat theme was carried a bit too far if you ask me. Where would they get a tiny little captain's uniform for Dana? I mean, come on.
And Ossie Davis- that was sad to think it was probably his last role.
Shane needs to practice her fake slugs- that one didn't read well and the prolonged silence afterwards didn't have the desired effect.
Besides, if I had a male roomate who admitted to secretly videotaping me, I'd have called the cops and pressed charges.
And Jenny? Too many games. Even Shane thinks she's weird. I could have done without her Jewish heritage video, too.
All in all, a typical, poorly written episode.

In other news...
Fiesta finally ended this weekend in San Antonio.
My last day of it was marred by that same woman who wore the outdated poncho to the Academy Awards party. This time, we spotted her dancing in the parade, wearing a white Lycra mini skirt, with tight bikinis underneath that exposed a spare tire of the innertube variety. Women who weigh more than 225 should avoid four things:
1. mini skirts
2. Lycra
3. tight bikini underwear
4. dancing in that costume in a public parade
My eyes still hurt from the pain of seeing it. Ghastly.
A Few Questions

-When did Jesus register as a Republican?
-Did I dream it up or isn't there a separation of church and state?
-What are Bill Frist and Tom DeLay smoking?
-Is anyone really buying all this GOP religious bullshit?
-Can you imagine having to pose as a fundamentalist, religious zealot to get ahead?
Let's discuss.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Survivor Tonight!

Cat claws!
Katie: thinks she's all that.
Janu: Tired and pissed and she hates Katie.
Katie likes to maintain her composure when she picks on hotheads. She is evil.
Reward Challenge: Build a water tower- get your flag off the top.
Tom, Gregg, Janu and Caryn compete against Ian, Stephenie, Katie and Jenn.
T, G, J and C will win. Janu will get off her ass and perform well in the challenge.
Reward: a feast with corny Palauan dancing. Beer, beer, beer! Careful, Tom.
Immunity: first person to bail on the challenge is exiled to an island by herself.
If we all love Stephenie best, who's the best one to get exiled? Yep- Jenn. Buh bye.
That drunk bastard Tom.
Hey look! Jenn's back to vote.
The boot? Janu.
She left a long, long time ago as it is. See ya, wouldn't wanna be you!

Now, what about The Apprentice?
Time for Craig to go. He's an ass.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

MeMo fRoM tHe DEsk oF gEorGe w. BUsH


1. HirE auddyEnce FroM GOP LiSt
2. ReNt ChUrch (cHristIan omLy)
3. GiVE auddyEnce ScriPPs tOO LeArN
4. MaKe it PrO MY SoCiaL SecUrITy pLAnz
5. KaRL wILL WRiGht MY spEEch
6. LeTS ROLL!!!

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Pope Benedict??

Has anyone noticed this guy is 78?
Man, those Cardinals are an odd bunch. Maybe old Benny will drag the church kicking and screaming into the 19th century.

Monday, April 18, 2005

He Wants to Put Our Retirement Funds Where?

New York Times, April 18,2005:
"After last week's market plunge - when America's three main stock gauges fell more than 3 percent - Wall Street and unusually nervous individual investors are looking to the flood of earnings reports this week to see how optimistic corporate America is in its outlook for the economy.
Almost a third of the companies in the Standard & Poor's 500-stock index and almost half the 30 companies that make up the Dow Jones industrial average are to report earnings for the first three months of the year. But more importantly, many of them will comment on the financial quarters ahead and could either counter or reinforce the current pessimism about the economy.
Among the big names are Intel, a bellwether for the already struggling technology sector, whose shares fell 5 percent last week, and Caterpillar, a company whose earnings and stock price are hurt when economic growth slows. Its stock plunged nearly 8 percent.
But early earnings warnings from companies like General Motors and Ford have already discouraged investors, and I.B.M.'s surprise earnings shortfall last week was one reason that stocks dropped so sharply. And while earnings growth for the quarter is expected to be respectable, that growth is likely to be well below the pace of last year..."

Not only are Bush's "economic growth plans" slowing down and causing frightening volatility in the stock market (the Dow Jones plunged almost 200 points last week), Bush wants to invest a portion of the money we earmarked for Social Security retirement benefits in that same roller coaster stock market.

Bush is bad for the economy.
He's never run a successful business, and it shows.

-Crude oil prices recently hit $58 a barrel
-Home mortgage and credit card interest rates are on the rise
-Sweetheart deals like Bush's pet bankruptcy law benefit credit card companies, not consumers
-Job growth has been the weakest it's been since last summer
-America's trade gap is widening- imports cost more, exports earn less
-Bush is borrowing from Red China and Japan to finance his outrageous deficit spending

Forgive me if I don't get all excited about budding democracy in the middle east.
Our nation is falling apart and Bush has squandered billions of dollars and thousands of American souls trying to force his version of democracy on his enemies.
Bush is spread too thin.
He can't multitask.
He surrounds himself with sycophants.
He's withholding and secretive, as dry drunks tend to be.

I'm sick of our country being led by a dullard theologian with untreated alcoholism.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

The Contender

If anyone has yet to watch this sensational reality show- do it tonight.
It's so good it makes me cry, each and every time it's on.
Watch it and tell us what you think of it. It's on NBC at 8 est and 7 cst.

And don't forget Desperate Housewives and The L Word tonight.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

The Royals, one week later

What does everyone think of Prince Charles marrying Camilla Parker-Balls?
Yesterday at lunch, a guy said he'd read that Princess Diana was a Borderline Personality.
Has anyone heard that one before?

Friday, April 15, 2005

Lying Whore

Remember that Jeff Gannon/Guckert creep who was the right-wing plant in the White House press corps by day and an ex Marine, gay prostitute by night?
Turns out he was never in the Marines.
Where are the swift boat veterans on this?
Happy Birthday Grey Bird

Y'all mosey on over to The Grey Bird Talks and tell her happy birthday.
We started our Blogs the same week and she's been a great pal to me over the years.
Here's to you, Bird. Many happy returns.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Survivor TONIGHT

By now, we all know that the Ulong Tribe holds the record for being the crappiest tribe in Survivor history. The sole Ulong survivor is Stephenie, one of the hottest chicks on the whole island.
Last week she eliminated Bobby Jon in a fire building challenge. He was cute but getting stinky, so I'm glad she beat him.
Tonight, I predict Stephenie will be shown all scared and freaked out at being alone at the Ulong camp. Please join me in pretending a film crew is not there to tape her desolation and rescue her in case of a wild monkey attack.
She will eat coconuts, which are considered highly nutritious. One whole, young coconut has only 140 calories and provides 17% of the RDA for calcium. The total fat content is 3 grams, all saturated. With a zero content of cholesterol, the young coconut has 50 mg sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrate, 2 grams of fiber,15 grams of sugar and 2 grams of protein.
The raw meat of a mature coconut has 283 calories and 2.7 grams of protein for 1 cup. That one cup contains 12.2 grams of carbohydrates. The sodium content is low at 16 mg. Coconut is a high fiber food that delivers 7.2 grams for 1 cup of freshly grated meat. One cup of grated coconut packs 26.8 grams of total fat with 23.8 grams saturated which means that it is 80% fat.
One cup of fresh coconut also contains a good range of B vitamins except B12, with 21.1 mcg of folic acid and 2.6 mg of vitamin C. Coconut is a good source of minerals with 11.2 mg of calcium, 1.9 mg. of iron, 15.6 mg of magnesium, 285 mg. of potassium, and 0.9 mg. of zinc.
So we know she won't be starving out there, all alone.
Even if she were, it won't matter because tonight she will merge with the Koror tribe, where members will greet Stephenie and her leftover Ulong booty, including leftover clothing and fabric, the tool box, fishing gear, mask and the snorkel and fins. Not a bad hostess gift for a hot babe like her to show up with.
And remember, with Koror being stuck with a few creeps all this time due to their long winning streak, she won't be automatically booted off. Koror members Ian, Tom and Katie love her and want to take her to the final four.
Coby and Caryn are a couple of bitches who'll go long before Stephenie does.And Janu is sweet but her mental health is about as strong as a damp, generic paper towel.
Rumor has it, a celebration will cause Tom to get shit-faced and loose lipped. Ooops.
Look for the immunity challenge to be one of those pole standing things, with Janu dozing off like a vulture with a bellyful of carrion. Tom might be hung-over but he's rumored to win immunity. Stephenie, filled with new, fishy protein from the Koror Cafe, will place an impressive second.

Tonight's boot will be a silver lamé disco model with a stiletto heel.
It fits Coby. You go, girl.

The Apprentice? Please ax that crazy punk Chris and throw his nasty chewin' tabacky into the cab after him.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Sick of Them All

Here's some people who I think need to be thrown in jail.

George W. Bush
His entire cabinet, all advisors and appointees
Michael Jackson
Any priest who ever diddled a kid
Tom Delay, his wife, daughter and his staffs in Texas and DC
Ken Lay
Toby Keith (I just don't like his looks)
The Swift Boat Veterans
Jeff Gannon
Anne Coulter
Rupert Murdoch
All Fox News Employees
O.J. Simpson
Sandra Bernhardt
Saudi Arabia (everyone who runs it)

Who have I left out?

Monday, April 11, 2005

Now It's Good Again

The L Word finally found its stride again last night.
I loved that the gang snubbed the housewarming party of that snippy bitch Helena and opted to visit Bette instead.
And could it be that nasty boy video roommate Mark will soften so much with love for Shane, he'll skip exploiting her and Jenny with his plans for a Dykes Gone Wild video? He may, but his dorky friend won't.
And that chef ex of Dana's is back...hmm, we always did kinda like her.
So, Shane seems to love Carmen after all. Seeing Shane in a confessional was just to far to the left of being totally absurd. As if.
And pregnancy must make women crazy with horn. Tina hasn't noticed yet that Helena only seems to be able to get it up in front of others, or at least with the chance of getting caught. Ick. Helena makes Bette look like Mother Theresa.
Best news yet: The previews show Ivan is back. Yay! I miss himher.
Your thoughts?

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Call 888-382-1222

Due to recent rule changes, cell phone users will start to be inundated with ad solicitation calls within the next month.
You'll have to pay for the pleasure of having these assholes bother you.
Call the 888 number above and nip it in the bud.

This has been a Pulp Friction Public Service.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Fish n' Chips, Anyone?

All this coverage about Prince Charles marrying his long-term concubine Camilla Parkher Balls has me in a UK state of mind.
All I really want is a plate of authentic fish n' chips, a few pints of ale and a buxom wench sitting across the table from me.
I'm going out to the Lion and Rose pub tonight with a wild-maned blonde.
No telling what we might do afterwards, but like the honeymoon of Charles and Camilla, it may not be pretty. Arrggh.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Too Creepy

Some rancher in Bulverde, TX (20 miles north of San Antonio) is starting a website for disabled people who can't go hunting.
Customers pay to go on the site, and when they look thru the sites and see a deer, they aim, then activate a little button and a genuine, loaded rifle is fired by remote control at the real animal at this lunatic's ranch.
The site's not quite up yet but it'll be at
Just awful, isn't it?

Monday, April 04, 2005

The L Word: L is for Lousy

I think the producers of the L Word spent all their second season budget on writers for the first show of the season.
Since then, the plot lines are embarrassing to real lesbians.
For instance, no pregnant lesbian I know would go down or let someone go down on them outdoors on a chaise lounge while toddlers are in the next room.
That's just sick.
Another example of the silliness: Dana and Alice got together and their merger was announced under a spotlight at a club? If they did that in real clubs, there'd be no time for anything else.
One more thing. If Bette is such an arbiter of fine art, what was she doing slobbering over that woman's crappy looking glass ornaments? Can you say Dollar Store?
And don't get me started on Jenny being Sandra Heartburn's "most gifted student." For God's sake.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Here I Go Again

I'm fixin' to leave town again for a few days, so my Blog will have to be like one of those Halloween nights when you have to go out but you leave a bowl of candy on the porch and let the trick or treaters help themselves.
Here are some topics I'm leaving in the bowl for you to pick from:

The Pope's death
Tom DeLay's veiled threats to federal judges
Bill Frist's video diagnostics
Ads you detest on TV right now
Vote the worst person currently in the Bush administration
Prior acts ruled admissible testimony in the Michael Jackson case
Tonight's episode of The L Word
Napoleon Dynamite (I just saw it last week on DVD and loved it)
Annoying songs that get stuck in your mind
Funniest links you know
Bush haiku
Anything else you want to discuss