Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Oh No!
Aren't There Already Too Many Republicans in the Closet?

Ordinarily, it would be great to have so many gay men in politics. Think of all the long-overdue gay rights legislation they could introduce and pass into law.
But not this crowd of sneaky Nancy Boys.
When living life on the down-low, the guilt and self-loathing must be hard on a queen.
Having to express your love to someone in an airport bathroom stall, under some one's desk, or even in the bedroom of a governor's mansion, has to be hard on a guy, and I don't mean hard in a good way.
Poor Marcus Bachmann has to pretend he's madly in love with his shrewish beard/wife Michele, all the while sneaking peeks at the creased and faded photo of Johnny Depp he keeps hidden in his wallet. He even had to make up an excuse to socialize with hunky gay men by posing as a therapist who turns gay men straight.
So sad, really.
And I feel so sorry for Larry Craig as well, trying to find love in a Minneapolis airport stall, when all he can see is the guy's shoes and whatever he's poking through the glory hole.
Then there's Lindsey-poo Graham, who has had to hide his adoration for his studly war hero John McCain because people just don't understand a man's manly love for a conquering gladiator.
Then there's king-maker Karl Rove, who launched the careers of studly George W. Bush and dashingly handsome Rick Perry.
When Rove met Bush for the first time, he said, "George's father had sent me to the airport to pick him up, and there he emerged, looking fabulous in a worn, brown leather bomber jacket, with Wranglers so tight you could see where he kept his chewing tobacco, and great looking cowboy boots--the kind a rodeo star would be proud to own. Yes, I could barely keep from swooning when I first laid eyes on him..."
But then he was also impressed with Rick Perry.
"I met Mister Rick back when he was a low-level politician, and God forbid a Democrat. I asked him if he needed a back-rub because he looked so tense. He said yes, then slowly peeled off his pearl-snap cowboy shirt and tossed me a bottle of creamy lotion.
As I kneaded the panther-like muscles in his back, he moaned deeply. I whispered to him, 'Rick, do you know the secret initiation ritual we use to welcome Republicans into the party?' When he shook his mane of silken locks, I rolled him over on his back and slowly filled my mouth with lotion and made my way down to his manly decision making spot..."
Yes, poor Karl has had to make do with advising the men he loves, when all he ever really wanted to do was love them, mano a mano.
And Rick Perry might be the saddest story of them all.
When he met his one true love Geoffrey Connor, he was only too happy to honor him with political appointments--assistant secretary of state, secretary of state, then when he was almost on the verge of promoting him to Lieutenant Governor of Texas, in walks his wife Anita as they were caucusing and she caused a scene.
She screamed, "Rick, goddamn it, have I caught you caucusing AGAIN?"
Frightened, Geoffrey ran away and out of Rick's life that day, and poor Rick has had a sour face and bad disposition ever since.
Guys, I have a word for you about living in closets.
They are only for clothes, fabulous shoes and accessories, not for guys like you who look like you've just stepped off the stages of Paris fashion shows.
Trust me, your teabagger and Christian fundamentalist voters and contributors will understand if you just tell them who you really are.
They will liken you to heroes in history, who glorified their love for mankind by loving as many kinds of men as there are.
You're safe, guys.
The world loves you.
Come on out, there's dancing and music, and a rainbow of guys just waiting to meet you and run their huge American flags up your poles.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Michele Bachmann's Secret Diary

Dear Diary,

Yeppers, I won the straw pole in Iowa, which means I am a seriously serious candidate for the Ovel Office!! Marcus was so proud, he actually made me a precious "straw" hat with American flags all over it! He's so talented with arts and crafts n' such. He calls it my "straw pole hat." LOL he's such a hoot!
Oh, and I heard thru the grapevine that Sarah Palin hates my guts. Jealous much?
I think voters prefer midwest casserole to moose stew any old day!
And thank the Lord Jesus that none of my daughters are harlots like those Palin girls. Thanks to myself and Marcus, my girls have always been poised, well groomed and ladylike because he sets a great example for them and me too.
Also too, I think Sarah Palin is a Pentacostal and that style of "Christianess" involves snake handling, speaking in tongues and basically going crazy in church.
If she throws her hat in the ring, I plan to mention all that Pentacostal crazyness at every opportunity.
Campaigning has been rough, I gotta be honest.
The liberal media and pundints keep asking me ridiculous questions about stuff you'd have to be President to even know about!! But I hold my own, and if all else fails I dazzle them with what Marcus calls my "million dollar smile."
I know it'd be totally cool to be President, but I think it's so darn cute when Marcus keeps talking about all the fantastic outfits he plans to wear to all those fancy inagural balls.
He's already picked out some beautiful Pierre Cardin dancing shoes--they are black patend leather with slightly elevated heels. He has such great taste in clothes and shoes and such! He's even been picking out my campaign outfits and shoes to wear on the campaign trial. Such a helpful husband is rare!
My GOP competition is pretty darned stiff. Mitt Romney looks presidential, Ron Paul is an actual doctor, so he's super smart, and now Rick Perry is in the race. I'm not too crazy about Rick but Marcus thinks he looks like a movie star, so he'll be hard to beat.
Luckily for me, the tea party loves me and so do the Christians. America so needs a good Christian President, instead of a certain Muslim from Kenya who's name I won't mention. No way will that certain person be re-elected cuz he's...well lets just say the "black experiment" didn't pan out to well.
I havent really drawn out my Presidential platform yet, but I have some wonderful educational suprises for America if I get elected.
Prayer will be back in classrooms, science teachers will not mention the word "evolution" except to joke about it, spanking or paddling will come back so children will learn there place in society and be more politer, girls will wear skirts and boys will wear ties and get proper haircuts. No more hippy nonsense!!
In my humble Christian opinion, the only male who wore his hair long was Jesus Christ Our Savior, and, it should of stopped with him.
I think Marcus will be a fantastic First Man if I get elected. He's so fabulous with people and such a sweet, well-mannered gentleman. Just between you and me, diary, he's so considerate he understands the stress of the campaign so he never bothers me for s-e-x anymore.
Besides, theres alot more to marriage than just s-e-x. We agree that our spiritual bond is our secret weapon for a happy marriage--not lust or passion or any of that dirty stuff that messes up so many couples. Marcus has never even looked at another woman with lust in his heart--he told me so himself.
And beleive me, alot of women have flirted with him cuz he's so handsome and charming, but he tells me I'm the only woman he might ever want.
So many politician men are so nasty with all the s-e-x scandles--horrible deeds with harlots, silly young women and even homo males!! It's an abomination and it will cease when I become President!!
What America needs is Good Christian Values, prayer, more churches and federal support for Christian churches and schools. The rest of them, the jews and muslims and voodoo witches, etc need to quiet down and practice there Pagan devil worship or whatever they do in private. It's also too an abomination.
And the worst of the worst is all this gay nonsense. What nerve they have demanding marriage and domestic partner benefits and having children!! Not on my watch!
Well, Marcus is calling me from downstairs so I have to close for now. He loves it when we watch Dancing With the Stars together and it's about to come on the TV.
Chow for now, diary! Tootles!

Monday, August 08, 2011

The Secret Diary Of Rick Perry
Discovered in a dark closet by Rupert Murdoch and Associates, now the world can take a glimpse into the fascinating mind of Governor Rick Perry (R-TX)

Yeah, boy, I plan to thow my hat in the ring purty goddamn soon and run for the preisdency of the New Nited States.
I just hope that goddamn wife of mine keeps her stinkin dirty slut trap shut about catchin' me an Geoff O'Connor up in the bedroom at the govnor's bedgeroom awile back. Hey it was a honest misteak--I dun hurt mysef joggin and he was just massaging my groin mussel with his mouth because his hands got to tired. Caint a goddamn buddy hep out a nother buddy?
All reddy the goddamn librul media is up in my face about muh grades at A&M: but I say if that fuckin idjut Geiorge W. coud a gotten hiself elected why the goddamn hell caint I? Besides, that cheerleadin takes alot of practice & the boys on the team were countin on me to open wide an yell my goddamn head off!
I all reddy came up with that prayer brekfest idea so all the dumass christains will think I got religion an all; an I think them idjuts purty much bott it.
Besides,, I am a whole hell of a lott prettyer then Bush and the stupid ladys will think I'm as hot as Ronald Raygun and younger too boot.
Plus the Tea Baggers love me becuz I am tough on taxes an such--or whatever they like to here--hell-- I jus read what Karl Rove gives me to read.
Besides I jus loves teabagging HAW HAW you can ax Geoff O'Conner how much I love that shit! HAW HAW HAW
Much as I hate too, I gotta include some ladys in my campane so I'm gonna ask that ugly old sow Greta van Suscrin to be my press secratery. Shes got all them people at Fox News at her buck and call so I figger I can put up with that ole ugly bag of bones just till I get elected; than she'll be dumped like a hunert pound bag of horse crap lickity split.
I know the goddamn librul media will be axing me all about do I support gay marrage and my answer will be hell no. No way am I paying some guy alimoney when I alreddy have that goddamn Anita threatening to deevorse me ever time I mention her spending my goddamn money to much.
Karl Rove said I gotta rememrber a whole lotta goddamn talkin points and stay on track at all times ever!!! Lemme see--no taxes for rich guys only I gotta call em job creaters. Obama ruint the ecomony. Obama was borned over there in Africka. Jesus is my co-pilot. No saying goddamn it or otherwisse say any cusswords. No lookin at guys crotches no madder how hot they are. No innerviews with Anderson Cooper for that same reason. No callin' bad names to women even if they are skank and smell like fish. Lemme see what else. Uhh, no Arab oil depends. No gun controls.
If they ask about me sayin Texas would succeed from the nation I will say that was took out of contex or say I never said It.
Oh yeah Karl says I gotta kiss babys even negro and meskin ones.
I kin all reddy see this is gonna be easy as pie to git her done. Them librul medias think theyre real smart but they aint met Rick Perry yet!!!
Make that Preisdent Rick Perry!!!!!!

Saturday, August 06, 2011

I've Had It.

I'm sick and tired of the Senate, the Congress and President Obama.
I'm afraid the debt ceiling drama did me in.
Obama's a wishy washy wimp, Boehner is a pissy little bully, Mitch McConnell is a shape-shifting weasel, and the whole lot of them need to be replaced.
How dare they threaten people's Social Security and pension checks! It's our money--how dare they act as if it's not. How dare they create such melodrama by waiting until the last possible moment to strike a deal. Grandstanding like that is most unappealing when our money is on the line.
Barack Obama was a brilliant candidate.
He energized youth, minorities, gays and lesbians and slackers who never voted before.
But he's turned his back on all of us who believed in him and all his hope and change rhetoric. Rhetoric. That's all it was.
He completely oversold himself, like an informercial promising the crap they're selling actually works.
He spends time pandering to the right-wing and teabaggers as if he owes them something. I'm even wondering if he's a GOP ringer, sent in to screw the nation a la George W. Bush.
It's been nearly four years and the verdict is, he's a dud.
He stands for nothing.
He's weak.
He has no cojones.

Ask around and see if anyone who voted for him is satisfied with the job he's doing.
Ask them to name some positive, progressive changes he's initiated.
He's a warmonger.
He's a homophobe.
He allows the GOP to water down anything he suggests, like health care for example.
He's timid.
He's robotic.
He's ruined any chance for other minorities to run for president.
The voters who came out for him won't make that mistake again. The slackers will stay home. The youth will stay home. Millions of us will skip voting for the first time in our lives.

Hillary Clinton would have done a far better job as president than Barack Obama.
Anyone would do a better job than that clown.
I wish he'd step down and let Joe Biden take over. He's a goofball, but I'm pretty sure his cojones are intact and operable, plus he's actually a Democrat and not some GOP shill like Obama.
We cant take four more years of Obama. He's the worst Democratic president in history. I just want him to go away, and take his hackneyed theatrics with him.