Wednesday, December 31, 2008

ZeeBig Zaps Piggy Eyes

Zbigniew Brzezinski's remarks about the Israel Palestine conflict were interesting enough, but zoom up to ~6:52 and listen to ZeeBig zap Scarborough right in the nuts about his ignorance. LOVED IT!

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Riddle Me This

Question: What do you name a kid who was conceived during a boozy ecstacy romp?
Answer: Tripp.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Laura Bush
"My Husband Is Not a Failure"

Note to Laura:

Oh yes he is.
Using the reasoning that he's kept us safe doesn't fly.
The mostly Saudi Arabian terrorists of 9/11 struck on his watch because they knew he was owned by the Saudis and they could get by with it.
And they have.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

That Iraqi journalist who threw the shoes at Bush should create a web site with a PayPal account and request that anyone who agrees that Bush should have been hit in the head with his dirty shoes should send him a dollar.
Wouldn't you send him a buck or two?
I sure as Hell would.
That's More Like It

Imagine a smart, buff president who's already tanned enough to risk topless photos taken of him in December.
Sure, Sarkozy and Putin beat him to the topless punch, but our guy is taller, more toned and probably a much better dancer.
With so much pressure awaiting him at the Oval Office in less than a month, isn't it nice to see the man can totally chill out on his vacation?
Isn't it nice to see this face and this bod representing We, the People?
Yeah, America is cool again, world.
We got this, relax.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Amy Winehouse

From This:

To This:

I'm not sure why, but I follow British singer Amy Winehouse's shenanigans on a daily basis.
Maybe I think with my daily attention I can will her to stay alive in spite of her Herculean problems with alcohol and drugs.
But maybe it's just selfish of me in the end because I really love her music and would like to hear more of it as time moves ahead.
I realize the sight of her frolicking topless in the Carribbean is not exactly sexy, but it looks a damn sight better than the usual emaciated, zoned out druggie pics of her I usually see.
She's divorcing Blake incarcerated, thank God, and before he violated probation and returned to prison, he admitted he turned her on to heroin and crack and self mutilation. He's asking for a million pounds to give her a divorce. Sounds like a bargain to me.
Give a chump like him a million quid and he'll shoot it or snort it or drink it up within a month or so.
Winehouse is obviously an habitual personality who's way too impressionable to be around other addicts. I wish she'd meet and fall in love with a decent person who'd help her shape up and get back to the creative life we've all seen in her.
I saw Hendrix, Joplin and Morrison all die at age 27 back in the '70's and it hurt my young psyche. I hope I don't have to see her end up with the same fate.

Here, if you haven't seen her yet, this is what all the hubbub was about.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Camelot Returns

All this flap about Caroline Kennedy being qualified and leap-frogging over others and all that other malarkey--I say forgeddaboudit.
Caroline is not just a Kennedy, she's THE remaining Kennedy from the White House Camelot Days.
Should a non politician be considered for a vacated Senate seat?
Well, why not?
As long as Sonny Bono and his fitness trainer widow could clutter the halls of Congress, are you telling me Caroline Kennedy has to first pass some kind of wacky sniff test?
She's Caroline Kennedy, she smells like GOLD, all right?
If I were a New Yorker I'd be sending the governor money to ensure CK gets that job.
I mean, come on, if The Caroline Kennedy appeared at your office wanting something, what would you say, no?
It's her time.
it's her legacy.
Put her in the Senate and let's be done with it.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

A Holiday Tribute to All My Jewey Friends

My New Hanukkah Song
(to the tune of Jingle Bells)

Dashing through the mall
Shiksas wall to wall
Wish these bitches would go home
I need some space, y'all

Oh! Hanukkah, Chanukkah, Hannu-freaking Cah
Wish someone would find one way
To spell it, tra la la

Cooking brisket now
Latkes bubblin'--wow
Soon all of the family
Will show up for some chow

Oh! Hanukkah, Chanukkah, Hannu-freaking Cah
Wish someone would find one way
To spell it, tra la la

Dreidel spinning fun
Peanuts to be won
Lighting the menorah next
And then our fun is done

Oh! Hanukkah, Chanukkah, Hannu-freaking Cah
Wish someone would find one way
To spell it, tra la la

Flicks and Chinese food
Goyim think we're rude
But we get to skip all the
Meshuggah Christmas 'tude

Oh! Hanukkah, Chanukkah, Hannu-freaking Cah
Wish someone would find one way
To spell it, tra la la

Hanukkah, Chanukkah, Hannu-freaking Cah
We skip all the craziness
You Christians have, ha ha!

Friday, December 19, 2008

Merry Christmas to Little Merry Sunshine, aka Jessica
From KarenZipdrive, Your Secret Santa

Thanks to my buddy Monkey Muck, I've been included in his annual Secret Santa celebration, where earlier today I was thrilled by blogger Mommy's amazing treats for me. Links to hers and Little Merry Sunshines's blogs can be located in the comments section below.
I was assigned to be Secret Santa for my new friend Jessica, who writes a very sharp blog out of Chicago, home of my all time favorite president.

Obviously, her Christmas gift extravaganza will start with tickets for four, all expenses paid, to the inaguration in Washington, DC, where she and her guests will stay at the Watergate in an apartment next door to Condi Rice's pad. Peep holes have been pre-drilled for her amusement.

Now, we've all heard Chicago can be a rough town, so forget the guard dog, I'm sending my new pal her very own guard Bear.
While she's away at the inauguration, imagine the fun burglars will have jumping her fence only to meet her cuddly new protector!

Next comes a private concert for Jessica and her buddies, all the way from my home in Texas. A little group we like to call The Dixie Chicks:

Jessica is said to love gardening, but it's too fucking cold to garden in Chi-town in the winter, so here from Smith & Hawken comes a snazzy new 8x12 greenhouse, all for her.

And all work and no play makes Jessica a dull girl, so here's a nice set of box seat season tickets for all the Chicago Cubs games.
They are in Row 6, infield, so I suppose that's a nice spot.

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And to tailgate to the games, what could be nicer than a car a Texan like me would consider ideal for any Chicagoan?
Yeah baby, it's the purple pimp limo!

Merry Christmas, Jessica!
Ruh Ro!

Sherry Johnston, the mother of Bristol Palin's Baby Daddy Levi, has been dragged to the Wasilla pokey to face multiple drug charges. Not sure what kind of drugs, reports just said "controlled substance" but apparently the charges include possession and delivery, aka dealing.
A strapping young man living in a drug laden Wasilla hidey-hole with his druggy Mama, leaving home only to impregnate the Governor's under-age daughter and attend the RNC convention.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

An Oldie But a Goodie

I've got nothing much to say, I just couldn't stand that image of Pickles Bush and those two mutts in all that overly saturated color heading up my blog.
So, I present to you the Tampon Angel, which I think you can probably deconstruct so you can make some of your own.
They go beautifully with the Panty Liner slippers, which you can create by using one for the sole and crossing over another for the instep and decorating accordingly. Charming.
I have no Christmas tree again this year.
My cats are maniacs who would dismantle a tree within moments, right in front of me.
Same goes for lit candles or anything breakable displayed on any flat surface.
In fact, if I actually made any tampon angels, I may as well stuff them with catnip because the kitties would tear them apart anyway.
I think my kitties may be Jewish.
They care nothing about Christmas.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

What Production Values?

We live in America, home to Hollywood and the most talented screenwriters, directors, producers, special effects artists and cinematographers on Earth.
With all that talent abounding, the Bush hillbillies give us this schlock?
Watch it if you dare.
And never forget that Barney is actually a mean little bastard who snarls and bites, just like his stupid, shoe-dodging daddy.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008


A schlemiel is the guy who spills his soup on another guy.
A schlamozzle is the guy who gets the soup spilled on him.
This Rod Blagojovich character needs a new Yiddish word coined just for him. Schlamielozzle.
From the ridiculous hair to the disgruntled yard gnome-meets leprechaun face, he's just too comical to be a serious criminal.
Except he is a serious criminal.
Trying to auction off President-elect Obama's vacated Senate seat to the highest bidder has to be the low-light of political scumbaggery.
And of course he contacted Obama's people to feel them out for a deal. People like him think everyone has got to be as slimy as him; he views the whole world through his slimy bangs.
And I bet he contacted Rahm Emanuel to broker a deal, and I bet Emanuel was the one who dropped a dime on him.
How do I know?
Because Obama's been extra cool and breezy when questioned about Blogo contacting him or his staff.
DOJ Special Counsel Patrick Fitzgerald asked that neither Obama nor his staff make any public statements about the investigation until it's completed.
But I think there's a taped conversation between Blogo and Emanuel that Obama's camp can't wait to release, that went something like this:

RB: Hey, Emanuel, I tink ya know why I'm callin ya's, so let's cut to the fuckin' chase, how 'bouddit?
RE: What the fuck do you want, ya fuckin' piece of shit?
RB: Youse know I got somethin' that's fuckin' golden, an' I know youse got someone in mind to fill that vacant seat, ey?
RE: So? I got a lotta people in mind, so what da fuck is yer point, douchebag?
RB: My point is, moron, for da right price I kin arrange it.
RE: Arrange what, you fuckin' cocksucker?
RB: Arrange to pick da right motherfucka to fill da seat, ya fucking Heeb.
RE: Who ya callin' a Heeb, ya fuckin' Serbian, throat slittin' asshole?
RB: Yeah, yeah, whatevah, dipshit. So you wanna deal, er what?
RE: Wait, lemme make sure da wire the FBI set me up wit is hooked up right.
RB: Yeah, big talker, youse go righta head, ha, ha, fuckin' ha.
RE: Okay, it's workin' so what were you sayin' to me, ya fuckin' turd?
RB: Quit yankin' my chain, faggot. For da right price I kin put in any motherfucka ya want in the big O's seat.
RE: Are you talkin' pay for play, asshole?
RB: Fuckin' A, douchebag. It's how it's fuckin' done.
RE: So lemme get dis straight, you are askin' for a fuckin' bribe for you to name da right person to da Senate?
RB: Whoa! Not a bribe, stoopid, just a perk, you know, like an ambassadorship or a no-show union job, or maybe an exec gig for the wife, nuthin' big, just a two-fifty large a year thing, ya know what I mean?
RE: You know you're being taped, right?
RB: Oh blah, blah, blah, like you're fuckin' Alan Funt, funnyman. Yeah right, I'm bein' taped and so are you, right? You're talkin' about offerin' me a bribe and you're on your fuckin' high horse talkin' about tapes, ya motherfuckin'clown?
RE: I didn't offer ya shit, ya fuckin' dirtbag.
RB: Ya fuckin' did too!
RE: Did not!
RB: You don' know who yer fuckin' wit, I kin see dat.
RE: Yeah, and I'm little Lord Fauntelroy, ya fuckin' dick!
RB: Hey, fuck you!
RE: No, fuck you!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

HA HA HA HA! WTG Iraqi Guy!

Palin's Church Burned, Arson Suspected

Gee, why would anyone want to torch a church that attracts ultra right wing fundamentalists who devote part of their ministry to curing homosexuals, among other things?
I'm not saying arson is a good thing, especially not to a place of worship.
I'm saying that karma has a way of settling the will of God and delivering strong messages.
Sarah Palin apologized to the members of the Wasilla Holy Roller Bible Church, "for bringing any negative publicity to the church by her affiliation with it."
I have no doubt her apology was in order.
When anyone stomps around, harshly judging everyone whose views differ from their own, they will attract some negativity.
When a church presumes to know a cure for a simple biological predisposition like homosexuality, that's not the word of God, that's the word of fanatics and control freaks who deny science and haughtily think they speak for God.
A million dollar fire will no doubt inconvenience the members of that church. They will have to raise funds to restore it, and I have a hunch it's not a particularly wealthy congregation.
Wouldn't it be amazing if that church's leaders looked to themselves and asked why anyone would want to burn down their church?
What if they examined their tenets and identified which ones would offend someone enough to want to destroy their church?
Wouldn't it be heavenly if they decided to become a more loving, inclusive congregation that truly celebrates the existence of a loving God, rather than condemning God's other children whose only fault is differing from their rigid mindset?
Yeah well, I somehow doubt that'll happen. These are the kind of people whose righteous indignation and sense of entitlement will forever pollute the message of Jesus and his dad.
Karma's a bitch, Wasilla fanatics. Deal with it.
I'll See Your Country and Raise You a Prince

Turn up the volume real loud for maximum effect

There I was this morning, slumbering peacefully in my little bed around 9:30, sleeping off the remnants of the office party bucket o' Scotch I drank last night.
Then woe is me, I was awakened with a shock.
It seems the new renter next door decided to wash his pick-up truck in the driveway next to my living room windows, with a very loud country music accompaniment. I'm not sure who was singing, but it was twangy and corny and super loud and annoying.
I stood it for about 5 minutes, then I pulled out my secret weapon, Prince's Greatest Hits.
There's something about playing Prince at level 10 on the 10 level volume control, after carefully positioning all four speakers against the windows facing his truck.
"Purple Rain" was one of the tamer songs, believe me. I think "You Sexy Motherfucka" was probably my favorite anecdote to his cornball country crap.
He turned his music down a little, but if he turns it back up, I just hope he likes Lakme or Carmen, because they're next up.
This is the same guy I had to call the cops on recently because he and his live-in girlfriend were having a violent verbal outburst in that same driveway. Why can't trailer trash renters go inside to duke it out?
Ugh. I wish Scrotum Face Pete, the owner of the house next door, would sell it to a couple of old queens who'd keep the place up nicely and bring over warm cookies once in a while.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Uncle Joe Gets a New Pup

Obama's daughters aren't the only ones who can be bought with a whiff of puppy breath.
Lovable old Joe Biden's wife Jill told him if he and Obama won, she'd get him a new puppy.
On the campaign plane, Jill would tape various puppy photos on the seat in front of him to inspire him to give exciting speeches at rallies.
Jill made good on her word and here's Joe with his new German Shepherd baby boy.
Cute, huh?

Thursday, December 11, 2008


Here he is, leaving his house via a back alley.
I'm just sorry I hadn't heard of Blogo before this latest scandal erupted.
That retro hair-mop, the turned up nose, the close together eyes--stuff that blog dreams are made of.
He could have been my Condi Rice or Ursula Plassnik and I could have been the next Princess Sparkle Pony, but no.
I am a day late and a dollar short.
Seriously though, doesn't this guy look like that kid in high school playing pocket pool during science class and picking his nose during assemblies?
Twerps with power are so thrilling, no?

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Veddy Veddy Interestink

Turns out Joe the unlicensed Plumber thought McCain was a nasty old dick.
He told fellow wingnut Glenn Beck that he felt "dirty" after "being on the campaign trail and seeing some of the things that take place."

"I honestly felt even more dirty (sic) after I had been on the campaign trail and seen some things that take place. It was scary, man," unlicensed Plumber said. He told Beck he asked McCain "some pretty direct questions" about the bailout, and wasn't pleased with the response. "They appalled me, absolutely. You know, I was angry. In fact, I wanted to get off the bus after I talked to him."

Asked why he didn't leave McCain's campaign if he was "appalled" by the candidate, the unlicensed Plumber said, "Honestly, because the thought of Barack Obama as president scares me even more..."

Okay, so he's a racist and he can't stand McCain, the man who gave him his 10 minutes of fame.
So, who does he like?
Sarah Palin.
He said he thought she was "the real deal."
He said it was clear to him all she wants to do is serve. She has no ambition for fame or glory, she just wants to be a humble servant of the people.
Joe, you're an idiot. Please get back to illegally snaking out peoples' shitty drains, where you belong.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008


I heard Rahm Emanuel blew the whistle on this miserable crook after he reached out to Emanuel for some payola in exchange for him appointing "the right senator" to replace Obama.
Good for Emanuel.
We all know Chicago politics are crooked, even by Texas standards, but this guy takes the cake.
I think they should tattoo a swastika on his forehead and a confederate flag on his butt and throw him into the general population of the nearest Illinois prison.
Adios, MoFo.
Bank of UnAmerica?

We've probably all read about that door company in Chicago laying off its workers because Bank of America dropped the company's line of credit.
I clipped this from the Huffington Post:
"Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich announced Monday that he is asking all Illinois government agencies to suspend business with Bank of America. Blagojevich contended that Bank Of America received a multi-billion dollar bailout from the government and should accordingly restore credit to the Republic Windows & Doors company in Chicago."
Good for him.
I had my own little B of A fuck-up just last payday.
I deposited my pay check, drawn on a local WaMu account and it cleared within a day of depositing.
However, B of A put a hold on the funds for a week.
Why? The clerk mumbled something about the Patriot Act.
I went quietly berserk and demanded to see the bank manager, He was away at a bank managers' meeting. "He might be back tomorrow," the clerk said.
After I provided her with a copy of the cancelled check WaMu provided me, I told her to have him call me the moment he showed up.
He called the next day, cheerfully telling me "he was able to release the funds."
What the fuck???
Now I'll have to go to WaMu, cash my check, then go to B of A to deposit the fucking cash.
Bank of America, I have a message for you.
My tax dollars, along with millions of others' tax dollars, went toward bailing out your miserable industry.
Now you are obviously hoarding that money and it's UnAmerican.
Keep it up and I'll move my account to another bank, you chiseling sons of bitches.

Monday, December 08, 2008

See Ya, Honky

Hmm, it seems the new 'hood the Bushes are moving into after they leave the White House has a little problem.
Dallas's fancy Preston Hollow might be pretty and safe, but they only started allowing non-whites to reside there in 2000.
Oh, colored servants were allowed of course, but no blackies or brownies could live there.
Funny thing, Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban lives there, but none of his black basketball players could have done the same until 2000.
WTF? I didn't know having segregated neighborhoods was even legal!
Damn, it's times like this I wish I was mega wealthy so I could buy a home in that 'hood and turn it into Section 8 housing.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

One More Reason Why I Love Kitties

h/t to earthbound misfit
Obama's VA Secretary Pick:
A Big 'Fuck You' to Bush

Gotta love it.
President Obama will announce on Sunday Gen. Eric Shinseki as his Secretary of the Department of Veterans Affairs.
You may recall Gen. Shinseki got fired when he told Bush and that fucking nitwit Donald Rumsfeld about needing hundreds of thousands of U.S. troops in Iraq. The assessment did not please the delusional duo, so they promptly fired him and replaced him with a yes-man whose mouth was large enough to kiss both their butts at the same time.
The VA has always been the red-headed stepchild of the DoD, especially when it comes to Republican chicken hawks who love to use up troops then discard them like dirty Kleenex after they've served their purpose.
Not anymore.
It's good to see President Obama taking the VA seriously and selecting a leader who may genuinely care about fulfilling promises made to soldiers when they return from war as veterans.
I hope he manages to carve out a huge chunk out of the DoD's bloated budget so he can upgrade VA hospitals, improve benefits and keep the promises made to veterans like the government used to do.
Part of the reason I am so against war is the way the government treats returning veterans. It's a disgrace to ask people to fight for their country, then treat them like low-life moochers afterwards.
I think selecting a man like Shinseki is a step in the right direction. If he had the integrity to stand up to sniveling liars like Bush, Rumsfeld and Wolfowitz, it bodes well for the veterans he's been chosen to serve.
Another good pick by our new president.

Saturday, December 06, 2008

Sweet Caroline

Rumor has it, Caroline Kennedy might be on the short list to replace Hillary Clinton in the Senate.
I think it's an amazing idea.
We've held Caroline in our hearts since she was a toddler in the White House.
Her political pedigree is priceless and she's grown up to be a poised, intelligent woman.
I believe New York and America would be lucky to have her serving in the Senate.
It's time for Caroline to come full circle and fulfill her destiny, don't you think?

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Class Act

President Obama has purchased a $30,000 ring to give his wife Michelle as a thank you gift on inauguration day.
It's made of rhodium, the world's most expensive metal, and encrusted with diamonds.
While I remain a cynic at heart, I was so happy to read about this gesture made by a man who loves his wife and knows how to demonstrate it with an eternal keepsake like this ring.
Of course the unwashed masses have criticised the purchase, saying the money should have gone to charity and other petty things, but I disagree.
The ring will become a part of American history as a symbol of so many things that are right about the President and his wife and family.
Imagine the example he's setting for all men, Black men in particular. His daughters are growing up in a stable, loving home and will seek out husbands or other mates who meet the standards they were reared in.
The ring reminds me that we have a new president who's obviously loving, well loved and in a passionate relationship.
I think a person who's sexually and emotionally satisfied at home is less likely to go to the office frustrated and angry and take it out on others, like Bush did in his thirst for war.
Who knows, maybe Bush and Laura are still gettin' it on, but it looks to me like their marriage is bland at best. I know we've never read about any romantic gestures Bush has made toward Laura.
With this symbolic ring, Obama has shown us he's taking care of business in his marriage. That bodes well for him taking care of business in the White House, too.

Monday, December 01, 2008

I Really Try to Like Sarah Silverman, But...

I'll admit she's occasionally funny and I loved her "schlep to Florida to see your grandparents and demand they vote for Obama" bit, but the girl makes me nervous.
She reminds me of the type who'd say something so inappropriate and gross while she's with you in public you'd die of embarrassment.
You know the type.
"This is my friend Betty. She has no uterus or ovaries so she can grow a beard in half a day."
"Say hello to my boyfriend. His penis is only 3" long and his balls smell like gefilte fish. And he constantly plays with himself while he watches bondage porn."
"Meet my boss Rick. He's fucking the receptionist and once I found his spooge on her desk. It was real stringy."
"Today my poop had corn in it and it smelled like kimchee."
"Waitress? Do you have any extra cloth napkins? I feel butt cheese in my pants and I want to get rid of it without going to the restroom."
I actually know someone like her in real life.
She's a drunk and has no boundaries. She'll say the most insulting or embarrassing things to me at dinner parties or small places like that and then she tries to act all innocent so I can't throw a plate at her.
Once we were at a bar and she stood on the toilet and peered over my stall so she could watch me pee. Then she told everyone how much it pissed me off.
I used to work with her and during a staff meeting and she asked me if I was still dating that hot, crazy chick. I wasn't out yet, but that's really something I'd rather do for myself.
We went to Laredo, Mexico once and she expected me to walk over the border checkpoint with her while she had 1,000 Valiums stuffed into her purse and in every pocket of her clothes. Plus we took her car and it was so filthy it actually had fresh and dessicated dog turds in it.
It took us about 45 minutes to clean it out before we left- and we filled two huge garbage cans in the process.
I'm not sure Sarah Silverman is a dirty pig like that, but she's got the same mouth on her- and that makes me nervous.
Forty-nine Days to Go

Bush and Dick have been worse than having a family of violent alcoholic Okie thieves move in with you for 8 years.
Now Bush's idiot slob of a brother Jeb is demanding the GOP do a "shadow government" behind Obama's administration.
Fuck all the Bushes, especially that old sow who birthed them.
And fuck Dick Cheney, that evil slimeball.
I don't even like Bush's nasty dog Barney.
Get all of them outta our lives NOW!
Send in the Heavy Artillery

Oh, swell.
Bush is sending Condi Know-Nothing Rice to India to show solidarity between the U.S. and India.
Adding this inept fool to the aftermath of their terrorist attack is like sending a Band-aid to Walter Reed to help patch up a soldier.
Haven't they got enough to deal with in India without having to drag out the matching armchairs and pretend to welcome Bush's human Scottie dog?
Jesus, Bush, give it a rest.