Sunday, February 28, 2010

Beautiful Boy

Apolo Anton Ohno

If I had had a son, this is the one I would have wanted.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Olympic Figure Skating

I love Olympic figure skating.
All those risky moves!
While I enjoy a good salchow or triple lutz, nothing is more fun to watch than a perfect camel toe.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

We're Fucked.

I thought it might be time to make some kind of political post, but then I realize I may as well post about dirt, or cat puke, or even air.
Fact is, both houses of Congress are filled with clowns who consider what they need to say and do to be re-elected more than what's good for the people who elected them.
We're getting the government we deserve.
Politicians have become so partisan and crazy, if a member of one party decides to side with something the other side wants, he or she is often met with hate mail and threats of violence, not only from constituents, but even from colleagues.
Democrats and Republicans have become nothing more than sports teams with insane fans--all that matters is beating the other team senseless and winning.
I hate the Republicans because they have ruined America economically, they are war mongers and they use God and patriotism as props to lull the vast number of ignoramus voters into thinking they are serving their stupid asses.
I hate the Democrats because they are weak and have allowed the bullies on the right to push them into hapless inefficiency.
I was right about Obama back when he was running for office.
He's perceived as being too polarizing, and his bi-racial heritage has unmasked more racism and rage than I ever thought existed.
Did you know state gun sales and ammunition stockpiling has grown to epidemic proportions? Not because Obama has mentioned stricter gun control laws, but "just in case."
We have maniacs running their planes into government buildings because we live in a climate of extremism that's worse than anything the Taliban could create. After that crazy fuck ran a plane into the Austin IRS building, people started a Facebook page in his honor. They called him a patriot. Nobody bothered to discover his beef with the IRS was because they wouldn't let him declare his house a tax exempt church.
They choose to laud a crazy fuck because they are crazy fucks.
It's an upside-down America we're living in.
Patriotism used to mean love for country. Now it means nuts who hate any form of government.
Politics used to consist (mostly) of public servants who wanted to make a difference and serve their fellow citizens. Now those types represent only a fraction of elected officials.
Nothing has been accomplished in Washington D.C. in the last year.
It's been one huge stalemate that voters don't seem to mind.
Back when people were running for President, we Democrats failed to understand that we needed to elect a mean, scrappy son of a bitch like Lyndon Johnson was.
Hillary Clinton was probably the best choice, because she's still angry at the feckless, shameless Republicans for what they did to Bill Clinton and her when he was president, and I doubt she'd take any shit off that band of bullshitters and crooks.
We stupid Democrats liked the hopey changie guy who inspired to write hopey changie songs about him. We also liked that slimeball John Edwards because he talked a good game and hid the fact that he was fucking that dingbat Reille Hunter.
We liked the wrong guys for the wrong reasons.
We pussified ourselves by thinking we could elect a smart, patient, reasonable man and actually get the other side to respond like reasonable adults.
We were wrong.
And now it looks like Obama will be a one trick pony, and we'll end up with another evil Republican piece of shit come next time.
I'm disgusted with politics.
I'd rather spend time looking at photos of puppies and kittens.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Oh, Fer Chrissakes

It seems some busybody doctors are calling for hot dog weenies to be redesigned so they don't pose such a choking hazard for little kids.
First of all, weenies are known gut-bombs, made of random animal parts we do not like to even think about. Why would anyone feed their little kid one anyway? They have zero nutritional value!
Second of all, if the kid is that little, the parent should cut the weenie up into little chunks anyway.
Redesigning a weenie to look more like a hamburger is a really stupid idea. It's design is just fine as it is, damn it.
And here's my best hot dog recipe.
1 Kosher weenie
1 bun
1 squiggle of yellow mustard
1 squiggle of ketchup
1 plop of relish
...and maybe a few chopped white onions
No need to redesign it, fools.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Austin IRS Domestic Terrorist Act
A Zipdrive Blogitorial

When I first heard the news announcement that "a small plane had crashed into a 7-story building in North Austin" I was seized with panic.
My beloved Big Sis, whom you might know if you regularly read Pulp Friction comments, happens to work in a multi-story office building in North Austin, and I was frantic that the building in question might be her workplace.
Thank God she immediately replied to my e-mail and said it was not her building; she was safe.
But it was the workplace building of people who were equally loved, and those feelings of panic and dread were real for tens of hundreds of people.
The local news posted a poll: was this an act of domestic terrorism?
I didn't bother voting, but hell yes it was domestic terrorism, in my opinion.
The suicide pilot was Joe Stack, a disgruntled nutcase who was having marital problems and a feud with the Internal Revenue Service.
Big fucking deal. Who among us have not had occasional relationship problems or IRS snags?
This maniac's actions clearly were inspired by America's climate of blame, outrage, terrorism and an utter disregard for human life.
Here's a poll for you:
Do you think Joe Stack would have endorsed the teabagger movement, or not?
I think a guy like this is exactly the type whose rage and anger at The System would make him just adore the enraged teabagger movement.
Oh, how special Joe Stack must have thought he was!
I'm sure in his delusional mind, his marital problems were his wife's fault.
I'm sure he felt the IRS was singling him out just to be big meanies.
I'm sure he never once considered that IRS employees are just working civil service shlubs paid to do an often unpleasant job.
I'm sure he boarded that little Cessna yesterday, crazed with the thought, "I'll show them!"
Well, I guess he did. Innocent people are dead and injured. He's dead.
I'm sure his estranged wife and kid are horrified.
He set fire to their home before his suicide mission, so the wife and kid can add homelessness to their horror.
His widow will still have to answer to the IRS. Ironic, huh?

People like Stack and the outraged teabaggers and Joe the Plumber and Sarah Palin and their ilk all share something in common. They are angry and resentful, and they don't think they should have to participate in government-sponsored activities they don't like.
They think it's perfectly okay to bitch and moan, and even destroy anything that upsets them. They think it's okay to rile people up and inspire acts of rage, and even domestic terrorism.
They don't consider that taxes finance the roads they drive on, collect their garbage, educate their children and provide for them in their old age.
It's fine for them to reap the benefits of taxation and government programs, they're just much too fucking special to have to chip in their share.
Burn in Hell, Joe Stack.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Yay! Jesse James Gets His CinnaBun Back

I loved this story.
Jesse James (aka Mr. Sandra Bullock) lost his Pit Bull pup CinnaBun three weeks ago, and he was all shook up about it. He put out a ton of fliers and started Tweeting about it, and today some lady recognized the dog and brought her back to Jesse's Long Beach motorcycle shop.
Jesse's other Pit Bull, Mr. T, was equally glad to see her.
Who's a good girrrl?
Survivor: Heroes vs Villains: WOW!

Well, if last week's premiere was any indicator, this season of Survivor will be one of the best ever.
It's the nice guys against the scumbags, and in this case, scumbag is too mild a term.
In the very first reward challenge, one hero had her shoulder dislocated and another had his toe broken in two places.
It's on tonight at 7 central on CBS. If you've never seen it, or stopped watching it for whatever reason, this is a great time to start watching again.
Who are you rooting for? Who do you hate?
Also, the idea of Jerri Manthey and Coach getting together is classic. She's a whore and he's a delusional douche bag.
Oh, Please.

I read that Tiger Woods plans to step out in public and make a statement, presumably an apology.
Of course, the media will not be allowed to ask questions, in fact I heard they will be watching his statement from behind some kind of barrier, like a window or on closed circuit TV.
So in other words, he still wants to have things his way and control the message.
This tells me one thing.
It's not about him truly wanting to make amends, it's about him wanting to get back to the golf course, start earning bazillions again, and start re-gaining endorsement deals so he can earn even more shekels.
I suspect this scandal has not humbled this jerk one tiny bit.
All that sex addict rehab is bullshit.
If he was truly in recovery, part of the process would be him opening himself up to questions, if not by a hoard of media, then by at least a few selected, distinguished journalists.
This guy was a creepy, zitty, gawky looking teenager to whom cute girls probably paid no attention. Once he got rich and famous, he could pick and choose any tramp he wanted and screw as many as he could handle.
He's sorry he got caught, I'm sure.
But sorry he hurt his wife and family, and rooked his corporate sponsors out of millions? No way.
He knows he's got the PGA by the balls because he made a boring game slightly more interesting for fans to watch, so all he has to do is pretend to be sorry and they'll be only too happy to welcome him back with greedy, open arms.
He's a scumbag prick, golf is still boring to watch, and I hope he gets caught screwing around again soon. Because he will do it again, and we all know it.
If his wife Elin stays with him, she won't get any sympathy if and when he does it again. And, like I said, we all know he will do it again.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Monday, February 08, 2010

The Secret Diary of Sarah Palin

LOL LOL!! I guess I showed that pretty boy Scott Brown a thing or two when I brought down the house at the teabagger convention!!!
In the words of Sallie Fields, they like me they truely like me!!

I wish everybody could of been there in person when I asked Obama's fans how that hopey changie thing was workin' for them. It was genius if I do say so my own self!

And so what if I jotted down a few notes on my hand? Stuff is hard to remember when your up there under all the glare of the camera lenses and I had to fudge just a little and jot down a few reminders, like taxes (too high) and lifting the Americans spirits, which goshdarn it, needs to be done on a daily if not weekly basis, and I am the one to do just that, as Jesus Christ Our Savior is my witness.

I noticed that the buzz my speach caused totally exclipsed anything Johnny Hollywood (Scott Brown) said that weekend. Did he even say anything? Who knows, and even more importantly, who cares???! Hes a flavor of the month and his flavor is pornography and dirty pictures of his hand barely hiding his weiner. GROSS~!

Anyways, some pundit asked me if I thought I'd go for it in 2012 and I figured what the heck, go ahead and say yes! yes! yes!!! If God is willing and Todd and the kids say yes then why the heck not? I mean, I make all the money in the house anyways so Todd and the kids will do whatever I say (or else LOL), but I gotta remember that my image as a regular old hockey mom and supportive wife is golden so I gotta go ahead and reflect those Christian values on all my speaches.
Besides, its no time for the present to start filling those campaign coffers early so I can have plenty of campaign war money to spend against Obama, even tho hes really really not doing that good nowadays with his hopey changie routine. (HAHAHAHA that was such a classic line I am patting myself on my own back right now).
Anyhoo, I think its safe to say my speach this weekend put Scott "Prettyboy" Brown in his place once & for all--he's just a flavor of the month and he tastes bitter I bet.
Opps gotta go, Bristol is calling me for dinner and I gotta eat fast because I don't wanna miss any of "The Batchelor" tonight. That Vienna chick is such a looser, I cant believe Jake is falling for her stupid phony balony act. Jake is really adorable, also, he deserves a really cute bride.

"PALIN IN 2012!!!" (thats my new slogan, like it?) LOL!

Sunday, February 07, 2010


Pulp Friction's newest crack reporter, on loan from DistributorCap NY, has unearthed the secret journal of newly seated Senator Scott Brown!

Scottie Brown here--the new standard bearer for Ted and Jack Kennedy's Senate seat.
It is my first week in Washington and boy is this place hard to navigate.
The subway is confusing - I don't think it stops near any good bookstores.
And remember Mark Foley - well he told me ever since Larry Craig left there is no one on the Hill that has a list of the best men's rooms around town.
With all the corporate money I am going to get, maybe that is a good first project for me. I did get a box of Pampers from Vitter and some bronzing spray from Boner (his note said tan lines are so New England).

Rumor has it that our leaders - Beck and Limbaugh -want me to meet and "get to like" (if you know what I mean) Sarah Palin. They say we'll make the perfect Ken and Barbie ticket. Problem, while I know I have genitalia, I wonder if Sarah has any. Todd looks a little frazzled all the time lately (maybe he knows which is a better airport bathroom to meet Taylor Lautner - Dulles or Reagan National?). Before I even meet Sarah, Rush has to know that I will play second fiddle to some moronic skirt - unless he stocks my C Street room with Dominican boys and Viagra - then I'll gladly consider being on the bottom (har har, if you what I mean - wink wink). I meant bottom of the ticket.

By the way, that Martha Coakley was no MILF like Sarah. I bet she couldn't even get Vitter to do her in his diaper. No wonder I won - all I had to do was show a few pubes - and voila - instant victory. I wanted to show the full monty - but Rove and Jonah Goldberg (my double super secret campaign managers) said they wanted to win. Besides, Levi didn't show his and look how far he has gotten (then again I bet there is no comparison to me!).

You know, that Adam Schock is pretty hot.

And this week I get to have my official Senate picture taken. If Everett Dirksen can show his wiener, so can I. I plan on keeping the fans apprised of my progress here in DC. This is gonna be one giant pahty (Sounds just like Hahvahd Yahd).

P.S. Last time I got a hummer in the car, I didn't drive off a bridge.

Friday, February 05, 2010

My Superbowl Contribution

Linked to the right, you'll find KarenZipdrive's Food.
Click it. Salivate. Be happy.
The Secret Diary of Sarah Palin

Oh, golly, I know it's not very Christian to hate someone, but I just hate hate hate that total doodiehead Scott Brown because he's all style and no substance, such as I am. He's so darn shallow!
Firstly (I love that word, it sounds so darn intellectual) anyhoo, firstly Scott Brown is just as Johnny Hollywood as that dirty bird Levi Johnston.
To think he posed for Cosmopolitan (named for a drink those whores on Sex and the City drink by the gallon) buck nekid with his nasty hairs "down there" showing for all the world to see!
When Bristol showed the centerfold to me, I had to kneel and pray for his tarnished soul, I was so truely shocked!! It was nothing short of pornography!! I made Bristol kneel and pray too--God knows she knows how to get on her knees so it may as well be for The Lord.
Sure, it's great we got a new Republican in the senate, especially in that old communist liberal Teddy Kennedy's dead seat. But for gosh sakes alive, did they have to pick such a pretty boy?
And the way the base reacts to him is shameless!
He's all humble-like and tries to act like he thinks he knows what he's doing and such, and he's just eating up all the attention he's getting from other senators and the media and the internet is all abuzzed over Mister Prettyboy.
When I called him to congradulate his win, he acted like he was all busy and way too darned important to take my call--AND I COULD HAVE BEEN THE DARN VEE PEE FOR GODS SAKES!!! Then to make it worst, when the media asked him if he and I had met or spoken he said NO!!! God forbid he wants to share the limelight with a pretty gal from Alaska!!!
I hate that he uses his looks to get ahead. It's so darn shallow and its certainly not in keeping with the teachings of Our Lord Jesus Christ which tells us to be modest in dress, words and how we act in public--which certainly does not include stripping naked for the camera lenses!!!
I think he's another John Edwards, watch and see. Firstly, :) he has a chubby wife, which means he's a dirty cheater with all his high-style jet setter buddies who got him the election.
And being from Massachusets, even if he's a Republican you just know he's a closet liberal who loves abortion, nudity, homosexual agendas, no prayer in school, and tax tax taxing.
I hate him!!
Good thing I still have the teabaggers in my left pocket. They know from shinola, doggone it, and they arent about to fall for a pretty young thing like Scottie Boy, no sir-ree-bob!!! This weekend at the Teabag National Convention, Scottie won't be there because he's too darn fancy to hobnob with regular folks down south. But I will be there and they'll be yelling MY name and not his stupid name!!!
People are so darned stupid! Scottie Boy shows up in front of the cameras all dressed up and hair gelled and bats his eyes at the audience like he's some kind of darned movie star! He's such a show-off!
Oh I bet he is a movie star, come to think of it, I bet there's a filthy sex tape out there somewheres because once you pose naked, what's to stop you from getting in a dirty X rated movie for a couple more dollars??? And I bet his chubby wife wasn't his costar, either. It makes me want to puke is what it makes me.
Anyhoo, I just can't stand a publicity hungry pretty boy politician camera hog.
He truely makes me sick.

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Texas has joined the rest of the states who play Powerball, a national lottery game.
For a buck, you can buy a ticket and either hand select or let the computer select a series of numbers. The top prize right now is around $100 million, or about $50 million after taxes.
The odds are about a zillion to one that any one person can hit the jackpot.
Still, it's fun to daydream about what I'd do with $50 million.
I've heard that friends and family can become relentlessly crazed with greed and demands toward big winners.
I'd solve that potential nightmare by giving my immediate family a set amount of cash, with the proviso that expecting or demanding more would nullify the gift.
For my beloved nephews, I'd match whatever yearly salaries they earned, dollar for dollar. I'd make sure my youngest nephew would first get off his slacker ass and earn at least a bachelor's degree, which I'd finance 100 percent. If he refused, I'd just match the salary he makes as a waiter, tips included.
For friends, I'd set aside a half million or so and dole it out carefully on a one time only basis. Probably that would mean buying them cars.
I'd build a nice compound in Texas somewhere near the water and offer my siblings and their partners their own separate wings. We'd have a giant organic garden and raise miniature donkeys and fainting goats.
I'd buy tiny apartments in NYC, San Francisco and Paris and hire stooges to manage them and rent them out when I wasn't using them.
I'd travel, travel, travel for the first year, which would help me avoid all kinds of people coming out of the woodwork and hitting me up for money.
In my travels, I'd create an amazing travel guide with sensational photographs and lots of anecdotes. Proceeds from book sales would go to charity.
I'd hire a full-time trainer for daily workout sessions for me and my family at my fully loaded home gym.
For my best bloggy pals, I'd treat them to a great trip where we could all hang out and have fun for a week or so.
I'd give money to charities that fund education, empower women, support the arts and help provide poor people who own or wish to adopt animals with proper nutrition, veterinary care, spaying and neutering.
I'd create a few new businesses there's a definite need for--like a pie throwing company, a graffiti removing service, a dessert delivery service, a comfortable shoe store and a kitty spa and dude ranch.
What would you do with $50 million?
Let's Face It.
A Zipdrive Rantatorial

Sarah Palin is as phony and self serving as any politician has ever been.
Her latest slimeball caper is having her political action committee buy copies of her book by the metric ton so she can mail them out to big donors.
Hmm. If money she's collected for her dubious PAC is being used to buy copies of her ridiculous book, does that mean she's personally making money on all the copies?
Yes it does.
I'm sure her right-wing teabagger buddies already have devised some jibberjabber explanation for how this book maneuver is ethical, but who'd be stupid enough to buy the explanation? Why, her legions of fans, of course.
Ignorant and stupid people adore people like Palin and George W. Bush because their intellectual mediocrity is a comfort to them.
While the rest of us might point at her and snicker with derision, her cornpone facade plays all too well with the Fox News/Rush Limbaugh set.
When she talks to crowds, she never speaks about policy or anything substantive. Instead she loves to ladle on platitudes and patriotic drivel that appeal to the lowest level of voters.
It drives me crazy. I want to stick a pencil in her ear.
There is a bright side to her reign of terror, however.
By aligning herself with the teabaggers, she's alienated herself from mainline Republicans who are less enamored with flowery rhetoric and extremist fightin' words.
Educated Republicans must cringe at the thought of her blatant ignorance and reliance on patriotic cliches that the idiot voters love.
We liberals and progressives should love Palin's emergence as a major player in Republican politics. Every time she opens her mouth, wisecracking journalists can't wait to parse her drivel or report on her latest gaffe.
I want her to shut her stupid mouth and fade into obscurity because she's an embarrassment to our nation, but I also love it when she gets on a roll and starts blathering to any audience she can find.
She's a corny joke. She's fast food in human form. She's the equivalent of one of those knitted toilet paper covers that looks like a doll.

As much as I hate her bullshit and pandering, she's not our problem, she's the Republicans' problem. For that I am grateful.
This Is the Funniest Ad I've Seen in Ten Years

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

Great News for Lesbians!

It turns out singer Amy Winehouse is bisexual.
Yep, not only does she share her sexy wares with men, she's also keen on occasional romps in the sack with the ladies.
I'll bet she's fierce, too.
How fun would it be to help her comb out that beehive, gently wipe the vomit off her heaving new breasts and behold her wild and woolly mound of Sapphic pleasure.
I'll bet she has the most amazing scent--a heady mixture of vodka, cigarettes, weed, blood, dirt and feminine secretions that have never been bruised by a harsh wash cloth, soap or water.
How lovely it would feel to have her jagged, dirty toenails rake against one's leg?
What's more, I'll bet Amy leaves slow, gentle loving to lesser goddesses. I'll bet she's rough. And bites. And scratches. And spits. And screams...and not in a good way.
Wow! The 2010 Grammys

Is it my imagination, or is there finally some good music out there that's actually worth listening to?
I usually skip the Grammys because I'm so out of it I never know who anyone is and don't like a lot of the new music that's out there, but I watched the whole show on Sunday night and found I had shivers down my spine several times.
Starting with Lady Gaga, I find her very talented and believable as an artiste. I love how much trouble she goes through in costuming. Armani designed her space age Grammy ensemble. I loved it!
Beyonce is just plain fine. Her performance that night was stupendous!
Even Taylor Swift is really good. I tried to hate her but she won me over with her youthful virtuosity and poise. She seems like a good kid. Her duet with Stevie Nicks was pretty damn good.
Even Pink pulled off an amazing performance, singing live while soaking wet on a spinning trapeze-like contraption. WOW!
And don't get me started on the Black Eyed Peas. They always put on a show and their music keeps getting better each year.
But there are some singers whose success befuddles me.
Britney Spears is a slob, and her Grammys outfit looked like an 8th grade home-ec class designed and sewed it. Horrible.
Imogene Heap-- well the surname says it all.
And perhaps the phoniest, most talentless, pre-fabbed blob since the Monkees is Miley Cyrus.
I can't stand looking at her Moonpie face, her swollen red gums or her weird girl/woman body. Her raspy voice and hayseed accent sound to me like a 50-year-old Mississippi tavern maid. Let's face it, she was invented to appeal to tween girls who believed if she could be on TV, they could.
Now that she's ditching her Disney series "Hannah Montana," I hope she saved her money because there's no way she'll go on to have a successful music or acting career. She's exactly like her daddy Billy Ray--a horrid flash in the pan.
Back to the Grammys--those male entertainers who couldn't be bothered to dress up, were they kidding?
Sorry, but guys like Travis Barker and some of those rappers and rockers are way too talentless to show up in dirty T-shirts, jeans and leather jackets. Idiots.
They need to take a tip from Usher, John Legend, or even Jon Bon Jovi and spruce up a bit for the Grammys.
Did you watch? What were the highlights for you?