Friday, May 29, 2009

Congratulations to Mama Lin Hui and Papa Chuang Chuang

Born yesterday and about the same size as a stick of butter, baby girl panda
"is in good health and strong," said Sophon Damnui, director of the Zoological Park Organization, which oversees all zoos in Thailand. "She cries very loudly and she breast-feeds from her mother very well."

Thursday, May 28, 2009

It's An Outrage

Archie Andrews, perpetual teen redhead, has made a choice after 60 years of toggling between All American Girl Betty Cooper and Heiress Veronica Lodge.
He chose Veronica. The bitch.
Oh sure, it was just fine to let Betty work on his jalopy and bake cookies for him for six decades, but when it came to putting a ring on that thing, he went where the money was.
I guess the adage is true: men fool around with blondes but marry brunettes.
Will he and Veronica live happily ever after?
I doubt it.
He won't be able to provide her with the luxuries she's accustomed to, and if her daddy foots the bill for a lavish lifestyle, how long will it be before Archie loses his confidence and falls victim to erectile dysfunction?
And Betty, whose Blog tells of her heartbroken state, is still so in love with the red-crested cad, if he turns to her for sexual healing, what's to stop her from letting him have his way with her? Nothing.
I really think it's a travesty.
Anyone with half a brain and a quarter of a heart knows that Veronica should have married Reggie. They're exactly alike. They're soulless soul mates.
And come on, Archie and Betty are two average American kids. They fit together like a hot dog and a bun. She's cute, eager to please and sincere. How could he choose that awful, high maintenance society snob? How could he?!
This just confirms what I've thought since I was 10.
Archie is an idiot who deserves what's coming to him.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Comfort Food, Part II
Apple Brown Betty

Just the name alone evokes homeyness, warm kitchen fragrances and soothing belly comfort. You can never find ABB in restaurants anymore, so you really have to make your own. But it's worth it.
About 15 years ago, there was a restaurant in town that served a scrumptious version of ABB. I was working at the time in a graphic arts studio with another art director named Mary. We used to start talking about ABB in the morning, and by noon we were at the restaurant, wolfing down huge portions of the magic concoction.
It's not a cobbler, not a pie, not a pudding, it's Apple Brown Betty, damn it, and it's delicious.
Trust me on this, you can serve off-brand, frozen fish sticks, canned lima beans and boiled cabbage for dinner, and if you cap it off with Apple Brown Betty, your guests will call you a master chef.

Here's a very basic recipe that uses a crock pot. Go for it.


4 cups bread cut into small cubes. Crusts are fine, leave them on.
1/2 cup butter, melted
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon nutmeg
1/8 teaspoon salt
3/4 cup brown sugar, firmly packed
4 cups apples, peeled and chopped coarse. Go with Golden Delicious or Rome Beauty--they keep their shape and have a perfect balance of tart and sweet.
If you want, throw in a handful of raw oatmeal to help texturize the apples.


Mix bread cubes with butter, cinnamon, nutmeg, salt and brown sugar.
Arrange in alternate layers with apples in a standard size crock pot.
Make sure the top layer is more bready than appley so it browns nicely.
Cover and cook on high for 1.5 to 2.5 hours, or until apples are tender.

Serve warm and top with chilled whipping cream or French vanilla ice cream.

You're welcome.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

New Feature!

A Editorial by Clyde Zipdrive

Karen Zipdrive's Republican Cousin!

Hey y'all.
I bet my cousin Karen Zipdrive that Governer Rick Perry would ask the federales for money to fix his mansion, and, I won. The prize was gettin to write me a editorial once in awhile on her blog. So here I am. LOL on her!!!
My subject this go round is this Sonya Sotomaria, the mexican gal who Hussein Obama says is fit to be in The Supreme Court.
Well I beg to differ.
What we dont need is a mexican gal making no laws in the United States.
*She will make it legal for wetbacks to come and go as they please over the boarder, bringing the mexican swine flew with them. Is that what you want? Hell no!!!
*Women is already got enough rights in The United states and we dont need them making the rules because one day she might be on the rag or something and press the red button and blow us all to hell and back. I kid you not.
*Women dont like guns and she will see to it ours is taken away. Then onley criminals will have them and that-ll make a world of trouble for all y'all.
*We do not need the supreme court cafeteria smellin like rice and beans all the goddurned time. Them mexicans cant go one day without them beans and rice and tortillas and all. And Its not American.
*Also to, this woman is from New York so shes a yankee mexican which makes her even worser. Shes not only a mexican with too big a britches, shes a new Yorkian mexican which makes her loud as a New York Jew or Eyetalian and we dont need none of that.
*George W. awready tried to get us a nice white lady to be on the supreme court by the name a Harryett Miers and if she wasnt good enough then why should we accept a mexican gal? We should NOT!!!
*We alreddy have a libral negroe in the white house, so thats enough minoritys in power. Like i tolt my cousin KZ, watch and see, you let one of them in and its like cockaroaches in a kitchin, theyll be bringing all they cousins and mammas and tias and tios and the whole shootin match with em.
*And the last thing we need is a supreme saying its okay for queers to get married to each other. Whats next, a man marrying a tractor or a horse? If a woman dont want to marry a man or visa versa, then they can live alone and read there Bibles to keep "em warm at night.
I keep tellin cousin Karen that she just aint met the right man yet, but, she tells me she better off just a staying at home + readin her Bible.
Then she starts to gigglin like shes been in the tequila bottle. Maybe her boyfriend is Jose Cuervo, who the hell knowes??
*But the main thing is, we dont need a mexican gal being one of the supremes. I think that one jewish gal who looks like a old libarian is way more than enough. The men judges dont need another gal nagging them to make there desisions on the courts.
Okay I gotta run now. God bless yall, and, mostly GOD BLESS TEXAS!!!

Clyde Zipdrive is a resident of the Sunny Skies Mobile Home Park in Cotulla, Texas, where he works as a freelance welder. He's a life-long Republican and NRA member. He met his ex-wife Zelma Lou when she was stripping at Mel's Bait Shop & Tavern in Brownsville. She left him in 1998, taking their twins, Clyde Junior and Brandi Kaye, and their other daughter, Tequila Jayne.
Clyde enjoys fishing, hunting and shooting pool. He collects gimme caps, shot glasses and beer cans from around the world.
And People Wonder Why Mormons Are So Unpopular

SAN FRANCISCO — The California Supreme Court has upheld a voter-approved ban on same-sex marriage, but it also decided that the estimated 18,000 gay couples who tied the knot before the law took effect will stay wed...

Well, isn't that nice?
California, often considered the most liberal state on the West Coast, has once again peed all over gay rights.
It's hard to believe that IOWA, for Chrissakes, is more liberal about gay rights than California, but it is.
Oh sure, right-wing Jesus freaks and wingnuts like the Mormons out of Utah ponied up lots of dough to see that Proposition 8 passed in California, because it's clear that what happens in California is none of their fucking business.
Same goes for holy rolling Black Californians who voted against the queers. You'd think they'd be sensitive to civil rights for all, but nooooooo.
I'm sick of people sticking their straight noses in queer business.
I'm sick of my people paying the same share of state and federal taxes for half-assed rights that breeders take for granted.
California, my birthplace, has become a wasteland.
They are fiscally near bankrupt and their people have turned into cornball conservatives with no compassion and no sense of common civil rights.
I hope the queers in Cali riot.
I hope they spray Mormons' white suits and shoes with rainbow colored paint while they're on their way to church.
I hope they do a tax revolt.
As for Caliqueers who got married during the thin window of marriage legality and "get to stay married" due to the largess of the assholes on the California Supreme Court (Hello, Ken Starr), I hope they take their queer dollars and move to Iowa or New England, where they can breathe free without State tyranny.
Fuck you, California voters and Supreme Court.
I'm glad I moved to Texas, where at least our conservative assholes are up front about it. No legislators in Texas tease us with the hope for equal rights for queers, so there's no risk of disappointment, and no issues dealing with evil infiltrators like those goddamned snoopy Mormons.
She'll Do Just Fine

President Obama has selected Sonia Sotomayor as his choice to replace David Souter on the Supreme Court.
Not to sound like a Mafia lawyer or anything, but I know a guy who knows a guy who...
actually, I know a woman who worked under Sotomayor when my friend was a prosecutor for the NYC District Attorney's office.
Sotomayor was fair, competent and not afraid to occasionally color outside the lines.
The right-wing Republicans already are sharpening their hatchets to condemn Obama's choice, but they'll have to work around the fact that George Bush 41 appointed her to the bench back in his day.
Also, with Hispanics the fastest growing demographic in America, the GOP will face a lot of grief if they appear to be the racist bastards they are by rejecting Sotomayor's nomination.
On the plus side, there are no opinions authored by her on the subject of abortion.
She can always tell the GOP her aim is to respect the Constitution and existing laws when making decisions, and they'll have no grenades to launch at her about abortion.
A liberal, Latina justice is just what we needed on the top bench.
Good pick, Obama.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Fuck You, Chase Bank

Cannon balls always roll faster downhill. After countless phone calls and an impassioned e-mail plea to Chase's top banana, I got them to waive the late fee AND reduce the interest rate from 29.9% APR to a manageable 13.24%. It's still 3 points higher than it was, but at least I no longer feel raped. Just fondled.

I pay all my bills on time.
I even keep up with credit card companies pulling the switcharoo and changing due dates, hoping to trip us up so they can hit us with late fees.
I pay my bills online, so I can tell at a glance who's been paid and who's due.
This month as I was paying the last of my bills, the water bill and phone bill, I noticed my Chase VISA card had not been paid.
I frantically searched through my pile of paid and unpaid bills and there was no Chase bill. The bill never came. That goddamn postman with Rush Limbaugh playing on his transistor radio did not deliver the bill!
So I called Chase on May 17 and discovered the bill was due that very day. The dunce I spoke with said paying over the phone would cost me $29, so I should go to their website and send them an e-mail explaining the situation.
I've never been late on a payment and I had a 10% APR.
So I wrote them an impassioned e-mail, explaining that the bill never arrived.
The reply I received that same day basically said wait and see what they decide when the next statement comes.
It came on Saturday.
Get this.
They assessed me a $100 late fee and jacked up my 10% interest rate to 29 fucking percent. Twenty-nine percent interest is what I thought ex-convicts and deadbeats paid.
BigSis was with me when I opened the bill. She mentioned the Attorney General's Consumer Protection branch- that I should call them and have them lean on Chase if I can't convince them to stop with the sodomy.
Like everyone, I've heard about credit card companies fucking consumers at every turn. This is the first time they've fucked me. I do not like uninvited fucks.
What's to stop these crooks from intentionally not sending bills and catching people up in this fuckery? Nothing.
I hate Chase Bank. I didn't even choose a Chase card, it used to be a WaMu card but Chase gobbled them up.
If any of my readers are aspiring bank robbers, please hit Chase Bank first.
And pistol whip the manager.
Thank you.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

The Ultimate Comfort Food?

Call me perverse, but I have recurrent daydreams about what foods I'd ask for for my last meal, like if I were on death row or something final like that.
My last meal daydreams were nearly ruined when I saw a prison kitchen show and they interviewed the head cook about death row inmates' last meal requests.
Turns out they can only make what's on hand, no live lobster flown in from Maine, no Omaha beef, no sashimi catered by Uchi, my favorite Japanese fusion restaurant in the world, no Belgian chocolate mousse cake, no Ranier cherry cobbler.
After that show, I had to really scale back my last meal menu.
Today, that fantasy includes a perfectly made bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich.
I don't like fussy BLT's. One should not fuck with perfection.
No fancy whole grain bread, no turkey bacon, no field greens, hydroponic heirloom tomatoes or handmade garlic aoili. Just the basics, please.

My recipe:

2 slices family style white bread, toasted
3 slices hickory smoked bacon, fried medium crisp
1 large leaf iceberg lettuce, very green and crisp
2 thin slices of sweet tomato--bitter ones will not do
2 schmears of Hellman's mayonnaise, one schmear per bread slice

fry the bacon, drain
toast the bread
schmear bread with mayo
add lettuce to one slice, add tomatoes to top of lettuce, top with bacon.
Put the second slice of bread of top, then slice at an angle.
The Nerve of This Guy

After flapping his evil gums about rejecting federal stimulus money and having Texas secede from the nation, Texas Governess Dick Perry has been flip flopping like a hungry dolphin at Sea World.
First, he whined to the Feds that Texas needed a shitload of free swine flu vaccine.
Yeah, Dick, if Texas seceded where would we get that, from our Mexican allies? Maybe an online Canadian pharmacy?
Now...get this.
In June of last year, an arsonist set fire to the Governor's Mansion. We're talking a four-alarm blaze, with almost all of the gorgeous structure either burnt, charred or smoke damaged.
The Perry's weren't home at the time--he was probably in some no-tell motel with one of his boy toys and she was probably wherever rich beards get to live on their faggot husband's dimes.
Several celebrities like Sandra Bullock, LeAnn Rimes, Nolan Ryan and George Strait appeared on TV ads in Texas begging for donations to help restore the mansion, but I imagine not many of us Texans were inclined to fork over dough while Perry is in office.
Though the arsonist has not been found, how far is it a stretch to believe he wanted Rick Perry to be served up extra crispy?
Failing to convince Texans to pony up restoration dough, the Governess has asked that Federal money, 11 million dollars of Federal money, be set aside for restoration on the mansion.
Hey, I'm all for restoring the mansion, but not with Perry having keys to the front door. I think it'd just be burnt again with that turd living in it.
I wish Obama would have had a news conference and mentioned that Perry's wish for Texas to secede has been momentarily sidelined until Federal funds for the mansion can be secured.
Meanwhile, I hope the powers that be delay the restoration project until after Perry's been ousted from office and evicted from the mansion. No sense rebuilding the place with Perry's obviously bad juju.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

When it's Appropriate to Call a Closeted Gay Man a Cocksucker

Now is that time.
Closet queen Rick Perry, Governor of Texas, is a woman hating cocksucker.
Hell, he ought to be called Dick Fairy for his regressive style of faggotry.
Hey, I know a cocksucker when I see one.
Having more than 35 years' experience hobnobbing in gay and lesbian circles, a very slim percentage of gay men just hate women. They will not associate with them as friends, they will not exchange cocktail party pleasantries, they will not deal with them in unless it's absolutely essential, and when it is their revulsion is palpable.
Sure, the same is true of some lesbian man-haters, but that's another topic for another time.
By now you've likely heard that one of Perry's campaign faggots said, "The Republican Party shouldn't open itself 'like a whorehouse' to new voters."
The sexist, misogynist remark royally pissed off some bigwig GOP women in Texas, and it gave Perry's biggest rival in the race, Kay Bailey Hutchison, some mighty big cow turds to fling at Rick Perry and his butt pirate pals.
Perry sputtered and flailed around trying to distance himself from the remark, but with Texas Republicans split between Perry's hard-ass, he-man conservative camp and Hutchison's more moderate one, the damage has been done.
I've been all over Blog comment land recalling my direct experiences with Rick Perry and his thinly veiled faggotry, but they bear repeating here.
One year, I attended a Human Rights Foundation gala dinner in Austin. At the time Perry was running for governor.
He showed up without his beard--uhh--wife Anita, and he was absolutely indifferent to the women who attended. A friend of mine, a prominent lesbian physician with a beautiful face and most impressive cleavage showing in her couture gown, bent over to ask a seated Perry what he intended to do to help gays and lesbians as governor. "Why should I vote for you?" she asked.
Not only did Perry fail to check out her cleavage, he didn't even look at her face.
He grunted his curt response, "Because I'm here." Then he abruptly stood up and walked away, like she had cooties.
My friend looked at me with her jaw dropped and we started laughing at his rudeness.
I said, "You get the feeling Perry hates women?" She said, "Definitely."
I added, "If he didn't check out cleavage like yours tonight, he's a total queen."
Later, I stood in the large foyer of the ballroom, across the expanse from Perry, who was leaning against the opposite wall looking bored. He didn't notice me, and I pretended not to notice him. But I watched him eyeing the crotches of every male who walked by. His eyes never traveled above their waists. He was all about checking out teh dicks.
When we both arrived at the escalator at the same moment, he didn't hesitate to get on first, totally ignoring the "ladies first" tradition that macho Texas men take very seriously.
So yeah, he considers women interested in leadership roles in the Republican party "turning it into a whorehouse."
While I am no fan of Kay Bailey Hutchison, she didn't sleep her way to the Senate, and unlike Perry she's remained scandal free, at least sexually.
It's common knowledge that Perry's wife caught him teabagging then-Secretary of State Geoffrey O'Connor, a screaming queen with blond highlights and looks reminiscent of Carson Kressley from "Queer Eye on the Straight Guy."
It's one thing that Perry is a closeted Republican- they are as common as flies on shit.
But when a queen is a woman hater, he needs to be outed and doubted.
Back when Ann Richards was running against Clayton Williams in the governor's race, they were neck and neck until he refused to shake her hand when she offered it to him.
He lost the race over that incident.
Even conservative Republican men cannot abide a man being rude to a lady. They may be jerks, but I am always appreciative of gentlemen, and Texas men tend to be very courteous in an old fashioned way.
By inferring that KBH was a whore, I think Perry just lost himself a race.
Good. That cocksucker needs to go.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The Top Secret Notebook of RNC Chairman Michael Steele

The crack team of reporter for Pulp Friction have uncovered the secret playbook of Michael Steele, to show skeptical readers once and for all that the liberal media has misunderestimated this political tactician.

PlAnS 4 mAkiNg 'dA GoP hoTT aGaiN!!

1. Stop goin' after Nanci Pelosi just because she weak. If you gonna fish for the big game, you gotta use big bait; which means: get after Obama!!!
2. Oh sure, he's kewl, he's smart, he's big on the haberdashery, he got a great family and a slammin' hot wife, he give great speaches, he play decent b-ball, he can roll wit da world leaders, he's lean, he's funny, he's so cool he cold, but theres all the more reason to saddle up and ride the horse like Reagan woulda done.
3. Instead of calling them the democrat party, its time to amp it up and really get in they grille. Now they should be call "The DemoRAT party." Call it what it is- a bunch of rats, is all. Kids will love that name and remember it come voting time.
4. All Republicans must get him a dog if he hadnt already got one. Suggested dog names: Liberty, Freedog, Gipper, Lincoln, John Wayne or Duke, ecsetera. No cats.
7. No more apologizing, agonizing, saying we sorry, regretting, groveling, sniveling, hang-dogging, moping, or living in the past. Like Reagan and Lincoln woulda said, the future is now and we serving it up in a teabag, and that is a wonderful thing.
6. Get somebody to write us a rap anthem--totally off the chain and hip hop that all the hip young peeps will hum to. If we can fine us a melody writer I can bust the rhymes my own self. Check it out:

"Da GOP Rocks" by Michael "Mister Tea" Steele

"I said a hip, hip, a hip, hop, hop
the GOP is gonna rock
we rock the house and we rock the senate
when we say rocked we really meant it
we got john boehner, tanned and ready
we got sarah palin, rockin' steady
we got huckabee, he is da man
we got mistah romney, in God's hand
we got fox news, we got rasmussen
we got george b. and all his cousin
we got dick cheney, down n' dirty
we got ms bachman, cute n' flirty
we got a smart dude: tim pawlenty
we got the youth, we got them plenty
they's meghan mac, oh she so funny
we got liz cheney, and her money
we got 'em high, we got 'em low
we got some dudes on the down-low
we got it all, we big tent peeps
if you don't join y'all just creeps!
I said a hip, hip, a hip, hop, hop
The GOP is gonna rock!
-Michael Steele, copywrite 2009

7. We cashed in on Nancy Pelosi who was in on the torture, also too she is from the gayest most liberal 'hood in the country. We gotta play her up and keep steppin' on her neck while she down. All that Armani wearing and Botox and passin' out fancy chocolates don't play on Main Street, and neither does dissin' the CIA and playing them as spooks n' liars.
So we gotta get on the same page, make a list and check it twice and make some talking points for all GOP spokespersons to say on the air. Consistency is key, so we gotta make sure everybody say the same thing all the time, every time. It's called stayin' on message, baby, and that's what we gotta do.

8. We got this, baby, you can take that to the bank. We tight!!!

Because so many of you commented on my post about loaning money to a slow (or maybe no) payer, I thought I'd update you on the latest development.
I met with the guy earlier this evening and he gave me a check for $1,000. He still owes me two grand, but that's better than three grand, plus it makes me think he might actually end up paying the whole amount one day.
He's still very interested in us being business partners, so I did a lot of smiling and nodding as he waxed eloquently about the potential for moneymaking we'd have as partners.
The last thing I was going to say to someone who still owes me money was, "Partners? Are you fucking kidding me? You're a total flake whose word is more wobbly than a bowl of Jell-O!"
But listen, the guy's a total sweetheart. He's got the enthusiasm of a bright, innocent child and he's very charming in a non-oily way. He's extremely intelligent, funny and kind-hearted. He just lacks wisdom about making promises he can't keep and his follow-through skills stink.
But the main thing is, my savings account just got a little jolt of energy and so did I. In two weeks I'll start bugging him for the rest of the dough, and I told him as much. He said, "You should--it's your money."
And he's right. It is.

"Heh heh, I know, let's decorate the war reports with all sorts of Bible quotes and such, and that idiot Bush will eat it up!"
"Think so?"
"Oh, I know so. All we have to do now is find someone to get us some good Bible quotes and we can superimpose them on pictures of soldiers and such."
"He can't be that gullible."
"Yeah? Try this: 'And Jesus came forth and spake: those who soweth the truth of His Goodness shall serve Him by vanquishing the infidels.'"
"That sounded good, did you just make that up?"
"Yes, but we'd better use real quotes in case he knows how to look them up."
"Uh huh, but who knows all that stuff?"
"Get Condi to get on the Google machine, she's not busy."
"A splendid plan!"

Monday, May 18, 2009

I Need a New Drug

Man, I need a vacation.
Not one of those pack giant suitcases and get on a plane vacations, just a road trip down to the Gulf Coast, to a little spot I love called Mustang Island.
You gotta pay to get in this state park, so it's not strewn with drunken teenagers flinging beer bottles at each other.
It's not a huge expanse of sea like my beloved Venice Beach on the Pacific, nor is it a craggy, rocky, dramatic Atlantic sea like on the Marginal Way in Ogunquit, Maine.
It's just a little beach on the Gulf Coast with gentle dunes, warm water and tame little waves on which one can easily body surf.
I need to gather up seaside negative ions all over my body, those ions that cancel out all the atmospheric crap that clings to those of us who live inches from computer monitors, TVs and cell phones.
I need to see goofy cranes, belching pelicans and those adorable little sandpipers hauling ass across the shoreline.
I need to eat a pound of jumbo shrimp that were swimming in the ocean the day before.
I need a few hush puppies, because fried bread crumbs are so nutritious.
I don't need two weeks or even one week. I'd settle for a day trip, leaving at dawn and returning that night.
The seed has been planted. It won't be long.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Hyperbole, Anyone?

Don't you just hate those days when a deadline is reached and you aren't yet sure if those with the deadline will meet it?
I'm in such a position today.
But first, an adage.
Neither a lender nor a borrower be.
In February, I got caught up in a promising new friendship, and I loaned someone a large sum of money. Not large enough to buy a new car, but large enough to buy a really good horse, some hay, a saddle, tack, and a nice pair of boots.
The terms were great- 10 percent interest, and the money would be repaid in full within one week.
After a few half hearted payments, today is the deadline for the remainder to be paid- about 3,000 bucks.
The looming debt has all but ruined the friendship and dashed my hopes for a business relationship with him, which was a definite path for us back in February.

I can always tell when my serenity is compromised when it's 3 a.m. and I'm having a spirited conversation with someone who's not actually in the room.
"Where's my goddamn money?'
"Is your word no good?"
"But you promised."
"You know this promissory note will hold up in court, dontcha?"
"You can afford a $3,000 a month rent payment yet you can't pay me my dough?" nauseam.

I catch myself and remind myself that I can't drink the poison and hope someone else dies. I cannot will someone to do what they are unwilling or unable to do. I am powerless over him, and my own stupid decisions.

Funny thing.
I have a lunch date today with a good friend who's a successful life coach. She's happily married, wealthy, beautiful, talented and creative. She has a Ph.D in economics. She's also living with MS and makes it seem as manageable as a week-old mosquito bite.
Oh sure, I could lay all this on her, but we made plans to have lunch because we're friends who haven't enjoyed each other's company for far too long.
I really don't want to burden her with my drama, or for her to think I'm angling for some free life coaching.

So I gotta work all this out before noon.

Here's what I've come up with.
See, I thought the guy who owes me the dough was a perfect prospect as a business partner. We have a surefire idea and clients all but in the bag.
He has skills I lack and vice versa.
We make each other laugh and we share a million things in common--important things like spirituality, good food, political philosophies and a love of books.
But the son of a bitch's word is no good.
He makes promises he can't keep.
And I cannot, will not, go into business with someone whose word is no good. I cannot put myself into a position where I might have to explain to clients that they can't have what we promised them because my partner does not keep his word.
And I won't be put into a position where I have to beg, cajole, bribe or bargain with someone to just get him to do what he agreed to do.

I can appreciate irony. It's not even 9 a.m., and he could call me within the next few hours to tell me he's got my dough. And I'd happily drive over to get it and be perfectly charming and thank him for it.

But I still won't become his business partner, ever.
Friends, maybe, but that's doubtful because his wife has treated me like I owe her money ever since they borrowed money from me.
This loan has poisoned all of us in one way or another.

In the old days, before I realized I could experience emotions beyond just happy and angry, I would have been seething mad over this. I'd be a raging storm of resentment.
But I'm not mad or resentful. I am hurt. I am sad. I am disappointed that I made a bad decision that's ended up costing me not just money, but my naive, innocent faith in others. And a good friendship. And trust.

So at lunch today, I plan to tell my friend the process of how I got from there to here. And I won't even hope that she pities me and picks up the tab.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Zipdrive's Guide to Chasing Away the Blues
Sometimes I Just Google Photos I Know Will Make Me Laugh

Who Asked Her?

Is Liz Cheney kidding me?
Just because she had some no-show nepotism job during the Bush administration and her daddy is Big Dick, that suddenly makes her an authority on anything?
These dimwitted Republican bitches seem to take turns on TV trying to out-do each other. From Coulter to Palin to Malken and now this bimbo, they make the drunken Bush twins seem downright cuddly.
Liz? I have an idea...
How about you shut the fuck up, you fuckin' fuck?
Regarding Obama's Change of Heart...

As most of us already know, the American Civil Liberties Union sued to have a couple of thousand more photos released to the public that show American service members torturing detainees.
Today the president announced that he'd changed his mind and would attempt to block the photos from being released.
His rationale was that his generals on the ground convinced him that releasing additional photos would only serve to inflame those in Afghanistan and Pakistan who don't like America to begin with, and further endanger our military personnel.
Having heard today on MSNBC a steady stream of liberals and conservatives opine on Obama's decision, I have to admit I usually am prone to agree with the liberals, primarily because I've learned to suspect anything the conservatives are for.
But in this case, I am giving Obama the benefit of the doubt.
Because I believe he's a brilliant man and politically savvy enough to throw the right-wing dogs an occasional bone in order to cushion himself from the inevitable firestorm of criticism he'll get once Attorney General Eric Holder and the Justice Department do the right thing and indict Bush, Cheney and the rest of those sniveling criminals for war crimes, torture and lying to Congress to drag us into an illegal war.
Furthermore, I believe Obama is dragging his feet on siccing Holder on these crooks because he knows the value of public opinion. The more Dick Cheney and other neo-con goons try to justify behavior like waterboarding and the kind of shit portrayed in the photo above, the more accepting we'll be when investigations are launched full throttle, and the obvious conclusions are reached.
Also, I really do believe that exposing the world to more photos of American military personnel torturing detainees will put our troops in more danger if they are captured and become prisoners of war.
If Obama was a Republican, I would immediately suspect his change of heart and cry foul, but I still trust him enough to believe he made an honest, heartfelt decision.
HOWEVER...each time he makes a decision that pleases the right-wing for whatever reason, he better damn well remember his base and who elected him.

In other news, I hear the Republicans want to force (?) the Democratic party to change its name to the "Democrat Socialist Party."
Having the gall to demand the opposition party change its name notwithstanding, I'd be fine with the change as long as we can change their name to, "the warmongering criminal, latent homosexual yet homophobic, faux Christian, corporate white male cocksucker and/or cunt party."
Catchy, huh?
Stop Saying That.

If I hear one more Republican bragging about how they kept us safe after 9/11, I may have to rip my own ears off.
Let's get something straight.
Nine-eleven happened on Bush's watch because most of the perpetrators were Saudis, the Saudis own Bush and they knew they could get away with it.

Osama Bin Laden, the Saudi mastermind of 9/11, is from a prestigious Saudi family, sort of like a Rockefeller or a DuPont in America.
If ever there was a clear shot at crashing hijacked airplanes into American skyscrapers, it was on Bush's watch.
The Bush Administration did not keep us safe- they attracted the 9/11 attack because they were weak.

Honey, please.
When Florida Governor Charlie Crist announced yesterday he was running for the U.S. Senate, he did it by Twitter. And in his Tweet he said something like, "After discussing it with my wife Carole..."
1. Straight men over age 30 do not Twitter.
2. Mentioning the wife was rather like gilding the lily, no?
A new movie called Outrage or Outtage or some damn thing apparently outs Crist, former RNC leader Ken Mehlman and bathroom sex queen Larry Craig as being gay men.
Gee, that's kinda like doing a movie about outing lesbians and mentioning Martina Navratalova, Rosie O'Donnell and Melissa Etheridge.
While I don't think outing people just for fun is particularly appropriate, when the people in question are legislators who notoriously speak out against and vote against same sex marriage, well, they kinda have it coming.
Same goes for this Miss California Carrie Prejean bitch who preaches religion and against same sex marriage, yet it's okay that we've all seen her naked tits all over the Internet.
I think people who make a big deal about trying to legitimize homophobia and deny equal rights to those who pay equal taxes should be scrutinized out the ass.
I kinda like Charlie Crist, even though he is a Republican. He was one of the few GOP governors who accepted money from Obama's bail-out plan, despite the risk of condemnation from the GOP sheeple.
Hey, I love good looking gay men.
Unlike Mehlman and Craig, Crist actually takes great care of himself with good skin care, immaculate grooming and a deep tan.
What a great move it would be for the Republicans to let Crist come out of the closet and see that he gets elected into the Senate. They could shut people like me up by saying, "We are a Big Tent Party and our gay Charlie is a lot more of a handsome son of a bitch than that goofy looking Barney Frank!"
As Michael Steele would say, "Fo shizzle!"

Monday, May 11, 2009


When asked if he'd side with Gen. Colin Powell or Rush Limbaugh, Dick chose Limbaugh.
He said Rush was a better Republican.
When asked if Bush knew about all the torture---oops, I mean enhanced interrogation techniques--that were going on, Dick said, "Yes, he probably did."
Wouldn't the president by nature know more about what's going on than the vice president?
Not in this case.
Bush was the puppet and Dick had his hand up his ass. We all know it.
And the more Dick talks, the more will be admissible in a court of law.
So keep talking, Dick.
I Said Wha-what?

What a Monday.
There's nothing that strikes terror in the heart of an Internet addict more than a computer that refuses to boot up.
This morning I arose at 8, made coffee, warmed up a nice low fat apricot scone and sat down for my ritual e-mail read.
Last night I'd been trying to upload some games on my iPod and suddenly I noticed the iPod would no longer turn on. Oh well, it was late and I figured I'd mess with it after a good night's sleep.
So, I logged off, then turned off the computer, thinking whatever issues my iPod was having could be fixed with a fresh PC boot.
I tried everything any reasonable chimpanzee would do to get the damn thing to start but it would not. I got messages like,
Yeah well, F10 can go fuck itself and take all the other F's with it.
Fortunately, I had a spare computer stashed at a friend's house. Alas, he did not answer but his cranky wife did, so I had to be extra sweet and ask her permission to come get my own damn computer.
So here I am with my replacement computer, you know, the one with none of my files and no sound card.
Bye bye, You Tube.
See ya, gaming.
Tootle loo, music.
I plan to ask the woman across the street to fix the broken one. She's got a Master's degree in computer-something. She also likes to whine about her many problems. But I don't care, I just want some sound and all my photos back.
Is that too much to ask?
WHAT? I can't hear you.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Happy 'Nother Day

Here we are, back to the snark.
And what better way to get back to business than by showing you the Democratic National Committee's latest ad about the GOP?
Well, they do have a point in this ad.
The Republicans have no promising new leaders so they're reaching into the attic and dragging out these antiques to plug the giant holes.
The question is not which of these guys is the most likable, it's which of these guys is the most hateful?
I give it to Dick.
Then Newt, then McCain. But then even the Republicans hate McCain, so there you have it.
Dick, Newt and John are synonyms for penis, reptile and toilet.
Coincidence? I think not.

Okay, okay, now for something more upbeat--another message about the GOP. Enjoy.

Saturday, May 09, 2009

We Miss You, Mama

All this Mother's Day advertising and promotion this year has been painful to absorb because our Mom passed away two years ago and we all really miss her.
She was about 93 when this picture was taken--her sitting behind the wheel of a red T-Bird and threatening to drive far, far away.
She loved road trips, seeing new places and doing new things.
Her hats always matched her outfits and she liked sporty threads from stores most old ladies have never heard of, much less shopped at. Once I spied her wearing a very hip looking camp shirt in a muted tropical print. I checked the label and saw that she'd gotten it from Banana Republic. Imagine a 91-year-old wearing Banana Republic! But that was our mom.
Last year was our first Mother's Day without her, so my siblings, their partners and I rented a minivan and drove to New Orleans to be together and celebrate her life.
We had a great time until we were leaving town and I had the brilliant idea for us to drive down to the abysmal Lower Ninth Ward to give a donation to Habitat for Humanity to help rebuild some of the homes destroyed by Hurricane Katrina.
Little did any of us know that there's a cottage industry in NOLA that involves locals intentionally causing fender benders and bilking tourists' insurance carriers out of thousands.
A pick-up truck containing a half dozen locals packed in like sardines collided with our rented van (I was driving) and long story short, I am currently being sued for $25,000 for their phony baloney injuries. Don't get me started on victims who fail to see the karmic implications of victimizing others.
Obviously we decided to skip the family road trip this year, but we wanted to do something for Mama, so BigSis came up with a plan to plant a little tree by her headstone. We all met at the cemetery today and planted a perfect little crepe myrtle that throws pink blooms. Then we sprinkled her site with multicolor rose petals that came from my birthday bouquet.
There's something so soothing about doing something tangible for loved ones who've passed away. Mama would have loved the little tree and we felt very close to her as we held hands and circled around her headstone to say a silent prayer for her.
I'd give anything to be able to kiss her little head and hold her hand and snuggle with her for even just one more moment.
If your mother is still living, please take the time to be with her if you can or contact her if you can't see her in person.
Take pictures, make a little video or do something that'll help you remember her once she's gone. Trust me on this.
...And for all you mothers out there, my wish for you is that your children love you as much as my siblings and I loved, and still love our mom.

Friday, May 08, 2009


I don't know how much the Democratic National Committee is paying Michael Steele, but whatever it is, it's a total bargain!
This guy acts like his dialog is written for him by Tyler Perry.
How obvious does a political infiltrator have to be before the party being conned wakes up?
Despite our nation being in the midst of several crises, some things are still so goddamn hilarious you just have to pause and guffaw. Still, I gotta empathize with Michael Steele...empathize right on his dumb ass!!!
I Love Lawrence O'Donnell

Tonight on MSNBC's The Ed Show, political commentator Lawrence O'Donnell served as Ed Schultz's substitute anchor.
First, someone please tell me why the decidedly goofy Ed Schultz has his own show and Lawrence O'Donnell does not. Ed's a likable enough guy, but he's too blustery and loud for my taste.
Having said that, Lawrence O'Donnell is exactly who the lefties and progressives need as a man who's not afraid to stand up for our side.
He's articulate, he's fast on his feet and he's absolutely fierce in confronting bully rightwingers who are accustomed to mowing down those with whom they disagree.
He's got a distinguished demeanor, an acute intellect and an encyclopedic knowledge of politics and political history.
I have seen him demolish rightwing gasbags with dead certainly, causing them to stammer and sputter like an old Kia filled with cheap gasoline.
It would be easy to imagine him as a Senator or Congressman, but I prefer him as a commentator because he can say what he wants without catching hell from any goofy conservative constituents.
I'm a pretty good debater, but I would be quaking in my sensible shoes if I ever had to go up against O'Donnell in any political debate.
He's absolutely the best media advocate we have, and he deserves all the praise we can give him.
If you have time, please send your compliments to the top at MSNBC.
E-mail a note to their president/general manager at:
Obama: I'm Walking Away From You

Had I known Barack Hussein Obama craved foreign, exotic Grey Poupon mustard on his cheeseburgers, I never would have voted for him.
Seriously, do we need a president so hoity toity and beholden to the French that he can't even order a cheeseburger with plain old all-American yellow mustard?
Is he so robotic that he must have spicy foods to feel alive?
Never mind that Grey Poupon is made by Kraft, they make it to appeal to snobby, uppity consumers who are so wealthy they can afford to plunk down $2.79 for a jar of this snobbery.
You'd never catch George W. Bush or Dick B. Cheney ordering Grey Poupon on their wild game burgers. Manly men do not crave spicy mustard.
Of course the liberal media and lazy bloggers who opine in their pajamas from their parents' basements think this mustard kerfuffle is a nothing-burger, but they are missing the more esoteric point.
Obama's desire to seem elegant and fancy by ordering exotic mustard tells us a lot.
1. Money is no object to him; he will spend any amount to appear fancier than he actually is.
2. He thinks he's special, slowing down a hamburger assembly line by asking for an extra special condiment.
3. He doesn't care who's watching, he made his special order right on camera, thereby rubbing American noses in his exotic cravings.
4. Muslims, which we all know he secretly is, are notorious for loving Dijon mustard. They spread it all over weird meats like lamb.
5. According to the website "Americans for a More American Agenda Under Christ," Dijon mustard is well known as an afrodesiac, causing Black people to want to have even more sex than usual.
6. "Grey Poupon" in French means, "Angry, Radical Black Communist."
7. By ordering fancy condiments, Obama is teaching his daughters to be picky eaters. Picky eaters can also be considered "uppity eaters."
8. No doubt, the White House kitchen is also forced to stock Grey Poupon mustard, causing a much higher bill for American taxpayers.
9. Though Grey Poupon is manufactured by Kraft, that word in German means, "strong," which I think we can all agree the Nazis once were.
10. One of Grey Poupon's secret ingredients is white wine. If Obama thinks it's okay to consume white wine on his lunch break, isn't drinking on the job considered grounds for termination? The last thing we need in this economic crisis (that he caused) is a drunk president. He should be impeached immediately.

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

I'll Have Some Toast, on Jewish Rye

Jeeze, Arlen Specter, has it occurred to you that hanging around the Senate since 1980 as a Republican doesn't automatically make you a decent Democrat, especially when you admittedly switched parties out of your own selfish political interests?
First you say you definitely had no plans to be "a loyal Democrat."
Then you say you are concerned about being the only Jew in the Senate, and that the Minnesota courts should do the right thing and seat Norm Coleman in his so-called rightful place in the Senate so there can be two Jews.
Never mind that duly elected Sen. Al Franken also is a Jew, can you possibly be stupid enough to publicly root for the losing Republican?
Maybe now that the Democrats have totally stripped you of your seniority and have let you know that you are on a par with any freshman Democratic Senator, you'll shut the fuck up and start to toe the party line.
And let's make it clear, as long you're still acting like a crusty old fart Republican, do not assume anyone will support you in the next Democratic primary.
Pennsylvania voted people like you OUT in the last election, and they don't need to see the light, you do.
My friend FranIAm met you 20 years ago and found you humble and polite, so I gave you the benefit of the doubt when you switched parties.
But after a few short days, you've been shooting off your arrogant mouth and showing that typical Republican overblown sense of entitlement.
If you don't start acting like a Democrat soon, you should jump back on the GOP's sinking ship and drown with the rest of those despicable rats.
So far, I give your debut as a Democrat an F.
And we all know what F stands for.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

What a Week!

I usually don't make a huge deal out of my birthday, but this year I really hit the jackpot.
On Sunday, April 26, Middle Sis and her partner took me to this fancy bistro out in the suburbs and we ate like starving princesses. I had Dover sole wrapped around lobster chunks and so much wine, the rest of the details are sketchy.
Monday through Wednesday, I fielded a lot of calls and e-mails from people I hardly ever hear from. It was so nice of them to remember me.
On my actual birthday (Thursday), my pal KT came down from San Diego and took me to the Tip Top Cafe for chicken fried steak and onion rings. We split a piece of the best apple pie, with lots of cinnamon and a flaky crust. Mmmm.
On Friday, I rested.
On Saturday, I drove to Austin for the Main Event, a party Big Sis and My Sharona threw for me. It was smallish, but all my favorite people were there. No drama.
We sat around a big table under the gazebo in BigSis's perfectly manicured yard and played Name That Tune with our iPods in a little dock with speakers.
Get a load of the food, catered by Whole Foods flagship store in Austin:
-Endive leaves stuffed with goat cheese, black mission figs and pecans
-Mini polenta cakes with shrimp and topped with corn chow-chow
-Gingered tempura asparagus with an Asian dipping sauce
-Mini baked potatoes stuffed with greyere and bacon, with chives
-Jumbo shrimp & cocktail sauce
-Brie en croute
-Pork tenderloin in a cranberry citrus sauce with cumin
-An edible bouquet of fresh fruit, some of it chocolate dipped
-A dark chocolate mousse cake with raspberries
-Fresh mojitos and/or Prosecco & assorted cocktails
We chowed down like it was a sit-down dinner, and it was almost impossible to name the best tasting dish.
I'd invited a friend who lives in Austin to join us, and she showed up in a freaking clown costume. She'd been on 6th Street in Austin riding a Trikke (human powered vehicle), and lemme tell you, it was some costume.
She wore a black top hat and tails, a white vest, a black and white boatneck shirt, black tights and spats over black shoes. Spats!
Well, call me a sucker for clowns dressed in formal wear, but I was transfixed just looking at her. She was cute as a button in that get-up.
Even my brother Billy was wowed. He said he wanted to borrow the costume to go fishing on Lake Travis. Tights and all!
The party broke up around midnight and I was higher than Sly and the Family Stone when I hit the sack. I slept until 10:30, then BigSis came in and coffeed me up so we could go to brunch. I had my all-time favorite breakfast: eggs benedict.
I drove back to San Antonio with bags filled with cards and a lotta cool gifts, including $60 worth of iPod gift cards. YOW!
Getting older definitely has its benefits.
Next year I may shoot for two weeks of celebrations. :)

Monday, May 04, 2009

Watch This Space

Amazing Birthday week stories to come.
(I'm still digesting)

Friday, May 01, 2009

Another Testimonial Against Waterboarding

Funny how you never hear women puffing up and saying waterboarding ain't no big deal.
Well, maybe lunatics like Michelle Bachmann, Ann Coulter or Michelle Malkin might have said that, but fortunately I try never to be exposed to their ridiculous opinions unless Keith Olbermann or someone warns me in advance what I'm about to hear.
But the Fox News types and other he-men like Rush Limbaugh, Big Dick Cheney and Condi Rice seem to think it's just not that big a deal.
This macho writer from Playboy swaggered in to try it, and even bragged that he'd made a bet he could last for at least 15 seconds. He lost the bet.

Okay, let's just cut the shit, shall we?
We know it's torture and we know torturing is a crime.
We know Bush, Dick, Condi, Rumsfeld, Feith, Bybee, Gonzalez and the rest of those sadistic animals okayed it, so let's either indict them or insist they be waterboarded on network TV until the desired results are obtained: confessions that they authorized torture, because they'll admit that waterboarding is torture.

I'm sick of all this pussyfooting around. I'm sick of reading and writing about it. Let's bring these creeps to justice and restore America's moral compass. NOW.
Obama: Time to Pay Back Your Base

Supreme Court Justice David Souter is retiring, allowing for President Obama to select the next justice.
With the Bush duo selecting such uberconservative duds as Clarence Thomas and Anton Scolia, it's time our President ignore bipartisanship and playing to the middle and just put in the most liberal justice in history.
I want someone who's pro choice, anti gun, pro gay, anti war, pro women, anti establishment and smarter than hell.
I want someone who's scrappy, media savvy and open minded.
President Obama has a rare opportunity to articulate his intellect and show his keen judgment by selecting a person committed to enforcing the core constitutional values and American principles we hold dear.
For those of us who donated money to Obama's campaign, who blogged tirelessly on his behalf, who put stickers on our cars and signs in our yards, it's payback time.
We deserve a well qualified liberal or progressive on the bench.
It's due time.
Choose well, Mr. President.