Wednesday, March 31, 2010

From a Cheating Jerk to a Nazi Bastard

Oh, how hilarious this guy is.
What fun to put on his Nazi hat and pose for a hilarious seig heil photo. Gosh, even though the Nazis slaughtered millions of Jews, homosexuals and other innocent people, what fun it must be to pretend to be one.
I wish my dad, a WWII veteran who fought the Nazis face to face, was still young enough to round up some of his WWII buddies and beat the living shit out of this clown.
He's not just a cheater anymore. As far as I'm concerned, he's a skinhead Nazi sympathizer cheater.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Dancing With the Slugs

It's traditional.
The producers always include an elderly person and a reality star in the cast.
Why, I have no idea because it's always (choose one) obnoxious, creepy, depressing, nauseating to watch.
This season, seeing astronaut Buzz Aldrin trying to move his 80-year-old keister while slobbering all over his dance partner is all those things. I like sweet little old men and women, but you can just tell Buzz still thinks he can score with the ladies. He certainly scored with me: I give him a score of zero.
And if anyone thought Kate Gosslein was a controlling grouch who has to force a smile for the cameras, turns out you thought right. She's also uncoordinated, whiney and an awful dancer. And by awful, I mean pathetic to watch.
And one more contestant who turned out to be a smarmy douchebag? Jake Pavelka, last season's bachelor who proposed to the horse-faced, cross-eyed sperm bank, Vienna.
His desire for celebrity is palpable. He's a mediocre dancer, but apparently he'll do anything to keep his face in front of the cameras. He's a total phony--you can just tell it.
Some say watching crap like this is a waste of time.
However, as a lover of the macabre, watching DWtS is my distinct pleasure.
Not to mention eyeing that Pussycat Doll on the floor. Yeow!

Sunday, March 28, 2010

I Need One of These Really Bad

I don't know how much longer I can last without having my very own French Bulldog baby. If it's a boy, I may name him Baby Evan. If it's a girl, Francesca.

Or maybe I need one of these:

Or one of these:

Vote for the one you think would suit me best.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Ratzo's Gotta Go

(March 25) -- Just days after Pope Benedict XVI chastised Irish bishops for covering up clerical sexual abuse in Ireland, new documents suggest he did nothing to discipline a Wisconsin priest he knew had molested scores of deaf boys -- and may have blocked a church trial in the case...

If there's any hope for the Catholic church to survive, they have to get in front of these pedophile priest scandals and get the hell rid of them.
Until they do, the church may as well place wants ads that say:
Attention Pedophiles!
Molest all you want without prosecution.
Join the Catholic clergy today!

This news disgusts me, and so does this sniveling kraut Pope Benedict.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Eliminating Clutter Starts in the Mind

I just started a new business and it requires a lot of thought, focus and juggling of facts and figures.
After a year of easy, breezy freelancing as a magazine and web site writer, now
I have to deal with contracts, lawyers, accountants, taxes and people. Lots of different people.
I no longer have the luxury of having a cluttered mind.
How does a clutter-minded person unclutter? That's been the big question since I started this business.
It's fun to have useless thoughts when living a leisurely life, such as:

-I don't care what anyone says, actress Gabourey Sidibe is way too young to be that fat. She's going to kill herself way too early if she doesn't drop about 100 pounds. I'm not exactly a stick myself, but I'm not prancing around, acting like I think I'm hot.

-Tiger Woods hiring Ari Fliesher to handle his PR was so stupid. Who would want George Bush's paid liar to be their mouthpiece? An idiot, that's who.

-If you drive in the fast lane and even one single car passes you on the right, move the fuck over and stay out of the fast lane, ya big stupid.
If you drive a Prius you're already saving gas. There's no reason to drive 50 mph and under so you can save more gas, you cheapskate.

-Buzz Aldren is 80. Watching him on Dancing With the Stars is gross, not just because he can't dance worth a shit, but because he leers at his dance partner like a dirty old perve. I'll bet he used that man on the moon bit to get a ton of poontang back in the day.

-Miley Cyrus isn't even 21 yet, but to me she already looks like tired old trailer trash. And her voice sounds like 20 years of bourbon and Marlboro abuse. She's totally icky.

-Seriously, Amy Winehouse calls her lady bits a "va-jew-jew." Eeeuuww.

Anyway, I'll probably always stay current with current events, so that clutter gets to stay.
But the clutter that had to go was anger and resentment.
Many of you know I was recently sued by an idiot pothead ex-friend of mine. I was determined to fight her to the bitter end, convinced I'd prevail in court. But then I thought, why set myself up for 6 weeks of daily anger and resentment? So I gave her what she wanted and now it's done. Now that it's history, and she's history, I have nothing more to resent. It's over.
My faucet in the front yard was dripping. I tried to fix it and failed. So I called Lupe my yard guy and asked him to fix it. He replaced the faucet and now it's fixed.
More uncluttering.
I had a huge property tax bill that was due. I paid it. It's done.
Now I have no resentments or angry distractions to think of.
Seriously, it helps me think more clearly.
Anger, they say, is like drinking poison and hoping they die.
Toxic relationships don't always have to end in a huge conflagration; sometimes they can just fizzle out and turn to dust.
I had a business partner who had so many other irons in the fire, her participation in building this new company was decreasing to an alarming extent.
I was starting to resent her, and resent that she would be getting 50 percent of the profits while doing only 20 percent of the work.
So I sat her down and gently explained what the deal was.
She started bickering about money, so I continued to gently explain why she'd make a better sales agent than full partner. Finally, she realized that I was being fair and honest with her, and she agreed with my decision. One more clutter issue I eliminated.
Now, I'm no Oprah, but I know that holding resentments and anger take up space that could be used for optimism, ambition and joy.
Having decluttered my mind by handling all the niggling little annoyances, I'm feeling serene and free.
Tell me how you deal with anger and resentments.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Grounds For Divorce

Some marriages can withstand a little infidelity.
In the case of Sandra Bullock and her white trash husband Jesse James, I cannot see Bullock ever having sex with him again after she knows he's been screwing this tattooed Nazi whore.
All this time, I thought James must know how lucky he was to be married to someone so much better than him in every possible way. I was even happy that his lost Pit Bull Cinnabun was found and returned to him.
Now I hope Cinnabun bites him right in the nuts.
And I hope Sandra comes home to Austin and tells Jesse James to take that dagger his whore is licking and stick it up his cheating ass. Bah!

Monday, March 22, 2010

Health Care Bill Passes

Finally the Democrats got something done, and all without a single Republican vote.
Let's just hope this puts an end the the silly notion of bipartisanship.
The Republicans, during this fight, have outdone themselves in obnoxiousness.
They allowed the racist, sexist, homophobic radical right to dictate to them and ended up looking like ignorant Neanderthals.
John McCain, the "country first" pendejo said, "There will be no more cooperation from Republicans this year."
What? That senile bag of bones hasn't noticed that his party members have said no to every goddamn thing the Democrats have proposed?
Obama, Pelosi and the rest of the legislators who fought like hell and won should run with it and keep the momentum going.
They should start doing all the hopey changie things Obama campaigned on, and that cat needs to ditch his suit coat, roll up his sleeves and keep rumbling and beating those Republican turds.
No more weak Democrats!
Fuck the Republicans and their totalitarian policies.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Just Another Friday

When I went out to get the mail yesterday, on my porch step was a Fed Ex letter.
I collected the mail from the box, then came inside and turned to the Fed Ex envelope and ripped it open.
It contained a single sheet of paper, with a Judge Mathis letterhead at the top.
It said,
Dear Karen,
By now you are probably aware that someone is suing you. Small claims lawsuits are a matter of public record and we found your case when researching lawsuits filed in your area...

The letter went on to say I was invited to appear on the Judge Mathis show in Chicago if the plaintiff agreed to have the case adjudicated on his court room TV show.
Even if I lost, the letter said, they would pay the plaintiff, plus my airfare to Chicago and all hotel costs.
There was a producer's name and number at the bottom of the letter.

Actually, I did not know that anyone was suing me, but when I thought of who would be that obnoxious, it came to me that it had to be this crazy bitch I know, and the suit was based on some minor, pure drama-queen bullshit.

So I called the producer in Chicago and said, "Let me guess, is the plaintiff Polly Pothead? (the name has been changed to protect the guilty)
"Yes it is," the producer replied.
So I went on to tell her what a mean-spirited, delusional nut case this broad was, and how she made Cheech and Chong seem like a couple of Jehovah's Witnesses.
Within 3 minutes, the producer and I were howling with laughter, and I said I'd love to have Judge Mathis try the case, just so I could make Polly look exactly like the pissy little spacecase she was.
Besides, who wouldn't want a free trip to Chicago to do some stand-up comedy on a nationally syndicated TV show?
Anyway, the producer told me she'd call Polly to invite her to the show in Chicago.
I told her there was no way she'd agree to it, because (a) she knew it was a full of shit case and (b) no way could she fly to Chicago without her customary supply of 6 enormous reefers a day.
I didn't hear back from the producer, so now I guess I'll just have to take my piles of exculpatory evidence to small claims court and beat her on our own turf.
How annoying.
It would have been such fun to make Judge Mathis laugh his ass off at my litigious, punchy ex-friend.
Oh, well. Maybe Judge Judy's people will be calling next.

Monday, March 15, 2010

The Secret Diary of Sarah Palin

Golly gee, its been to long since I wrote in my diary but alot had happened and I thought I oughtta update my diary for the sake of posterior.
As usual, the left wing media really harpooned me and Bristol when we visited the Oscar swag room and help ourselfs to some free items. Hey, they were free, ya know? So what was the big deal if we grabbed some headphones and shoes and robes and CD's and DVD's n' stuff? The media said I took 40 pairs of fancy headphones but as usual they lied. I only took 32 pairs and Bristol took only 8 pairs, but we didn't do it for ourselfs, we have lots of people back home in Wasilla that expect us to bring them home souvineres when we come home. The media called us locusts but as usual they were wrong because locusts eat fabric n' stuff & we didn't eat anything like that!!!We did take a few boxes of energy bars but they were free so its not like we were stealing them, right?
Then I went to Florida and good gracious did I take down that liberal liar Allen Grayson. He tryed his best to insult me but he's so dumb he doesnt know that I've been insulted by the best of them and it rolls off me like water off a wet duck.
I think my speach there will cause people to deelect him and put in a real conservative instead.
The people seem to really like me and listen to all I have to say, like I am a kingmaker or queenmaker. Actually, I am sort of that, but, dear diary, you above all know I am much more than just that.
I can feel the excitement building and I'm pretty sure I have a shot at it in 2012 and by it I mean the presidency. See, the people want a down to earth, Christian person (man OR Woman!) who isn't fancy or puts on airs n' such.
And for foreign policy, they want someone who shoots first and asks questions later because this Obama come-by-ya, hopey changie business is making fools of us and leaves foreigners thinking we are not stronger than them--which we most definately ARE!!!
But as far as the details of forgeign policy goes, people dont want a lot of words- they want action so when I am president I will do what is needed without boring people with the whys and wherefores. A strong leader doesnt need to explain; if you vote her in its cuz you should trust her to lead! Which is something Obama has fail to do.And I mean FAILED MISERABBLY.
The first thing I'd do is tell France and Russia and them that the time for niceness is over and they better get in line, or else!
LOL! Todd told me the other night anybody who thinks a woman cant be tough has never met Sarah Palin!! And he's right ya know.
Okay I gotta go- Bristol just brought home some Taco Bell and American Idol is coming on soon which I can't miss!!
Tata for now!
Is Our Texas Childrens A'learnin?

If the Federal government recommends a standardized curriculum taught throughout the states, that's considered socialism and an evil government takeover.
But if the far right-wing of the Texas Education Commission makes radical, ultra conservative changes to Texas public school textbooks, that's just hunky dory.
If I had kids of school age, I'd have to leave Texas.
There's no way they could receive a decent public education in this backasswards state.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Random Thoughts

-My Big Sis told me that dogs and cats like to be stroked rather than patted because stroking feels like someone's licking them, and patting, well, they don't know what the hell's up with that.
-If you watch enough of The Millionaire Matchmaker on the Bravo channel, you might not ever want to date anyone again, even if they are really rich.
-If you go to a restaurant really hungry, you always end up ordering more than you can ever finish. I learned that yesterday when I accidentally ordered enough food to feel a small African nation. Next time, I will order half of what I think I want, then order more if I still feel hungry, which I know I won't.
-The nice thing about a spiky haircut is you can wake up with bed-head and nobody can tell the difference.
-People who drive too slow in the fast lane should expect other drivers to consider them idiots and treat them accordingly. Chances are, if you're in a dirty brown or gold mini van, you have no business ever being in the fast lane, for any reason.
-Conversely, if you're driving 85 in the fast lane and another car zooms up behind you, it's best to move over and let them pass. They may have to get somewhere fast.
-If people from the Middle East don't like racial profiling at airports, they should talk to their terrorist buddies and tell them their radical politics are fucking things up for them.
-Sometimes the best solution to a pressing problem is a nice, long nap.
-We Americans really should come up with some sort of boycotting movement for American companies that outsource jobs. I have nothing against Indians, I just don't like them up in my financial bidness.
-We all know that tomatoes no longer have as much flavor as they used to, but I've been noticing that bananas don't, either.
-French is a hard language to learn or understand.
-There's really no excuse for crusty foot soles or icky toenails.
-I watched the movie "Coco Before Chanel" last night and realized Coco Chanel was the Mother of comfy clothes and pants for women.
-If you start clipping their nails when they are puppies and kittens, by the time they grow up they are used to it and won't lacerate you.
-In Texas, you might sleep with an electric blanket on Saturday and need air conditioning on Sunday.
-When I'm craving pancakes, I always wait for a week or so before I give in. Also, pancakes made at home are usually nowhere as good as they are at a restaurant.
-People who include Bible verses in random e-mails should have to get written permission from the recipient before doing it.
-Daylight Savings Time used to be a money saver but it's not anymore, so it should be discontinued.
-I want to invent something that will turn down my neighbors' crappy music when it annoys me.
-Someone needs to redesign Weedeaters so the trimming cord & its mechanism works more efficiently.
-A nutrition guy on Oprah the other day said we shouldn't eat anything our great grandmothers wouldn't recognize as food, or any ingredients a 3rd grader can't pronounce. I guess that leaves out Gogurt, tofu and kiwi fruit, not to mention mono sodium glutamate.
-If politicians wanted to solve our budget woes, they'd legalize pot and casinos in every state, and tax the shit out of them.
-I like Rhianna a lot but her nasal singing voice is sort of annoying.
-Same with Shakira--that vibrato is off-putting.
-People only get their tarot cards read or visit fortune tellers when things are fucked up in their lives.

Please, add to the randomness if you'd like.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Lady Gaga and Beyonce in 'Telephone'

This is a long video, at 9 minutes or so, but I saw it last night and it really blew me away. While some of it was a little raw and it's definitely NSFW, I loved it.
Lady Gaga picks up where Madonna of the 80's left off. There's no catching up with her; she's a force to be reckoned with and a major talent.
Watch it- tell me what you thought.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Massa's In the Cold, Cold Ground

The difference between Democrats and Republicans is, when a Democratic politician is involved in a sex scandal, we turn on him like the scumbag liar he is.
Fortunately, Massa can lick his wounds on Fox News, where he's always welcome to snorkel* and teabag with his new buddy Glenn Beck.

This maneuver is performed by placing one's testicles over the eyes of one's partner, forming a mask. Then the breathing apparatus is formed by placing the end of the penis into the receiver's mouth. This maneuver if preferably performed in water(bath tub, hot tub, pool etc.)
From The Urban Dictionary

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

Oh, What A Feeling...Toyota!

Whenever anyone used to ask me what kind of car they should get or their kid should get, I used to say they couldn't go wrong with a Toyota.
I've never owned one, but they seemed to be very reliable cars with good resale value.
Then they started making them in America.
I'm not sure if Toyota just started making crappy parts, or if Americans just build lousy cars, but I stopped recommending them because they seem to crash a lot, and nobody at Toyota seems to know why, or how to fix them.
They make Toyota Tundra trucks here in San Antonio.
They too have had issues.
I'm not absolutely positive that American auto workers are half-assed, but it seems to me when Toyotas were built in Japan, they didn't speed up all by themselves and crash into stuff.
What do you think?

Monday, March 08, 2010

Oh, Fer Chrissakes

I really hated Mo'nique's Oscar speech.
No, I mean I really hated it.
First of all, she proved that anyone can go without make-up on screen and act like a total bitch. Hell, I could have played that role.
Second, she's allegedly a stand-up comedienne, so why go up there acting so goddamn serious, like she'd just nabbed the Nobel Peace Prize? Was she trying to act dignified? In that horrible, tight dress, she thought she looked dignified??
And all that bullshit about "doing what's right" and how the Academy didn't yield to 'political pressure' by selecting her lumpy ass as best supporting actress?
She was talking about not doing very much publicity for the movie, "Precious," because she felt it was more important to stay home with her kids instead.
What bullshit.
If that was the case, she should have skipped attending the Oscars and stayed home with her damn kids. I think she was just too lazy to hit the road and help publicize the damn movie.
And what was with all the husband worship? She's married to a scrawny geek named Sidney and they have an open marriage, big deal. Who'd want to fuck either one of 'em?
Why is it that comics think they have to be so god-awful serious when they are faced with a situation like the one she found herself in last night?
Honey, once you tell the media you're goin' out for chicken n' waffles at Roscoe's after the last awards ceremony, don't expect them to treat you like Meryl Streep the next time you attend an event.
She lucked out and got a good part that allowed her to look like a slob and act like a bitch. Now she's some kind of artiste?
Give me a fucking break, Mo'nique.
Your aren't that funny and you spell your name stupidly.
And enjoy your Oscar, because trust me, it'll be your last one.

Saturday, March 06, 2010

Like Nails on a Chalkboard

I dunno, maybe because there's not much else on TV Monday nights, but I unintentionally got sucked into watching this season of ABC's The Bachelor.
Though I'd read spoilers that predicted Jake the bachelor would end up picking Vienna, whose crossed eyes, horse teeth, fake boobs, drooping schnozzola and dark circles under her eyes had nothing on her creepy, back stabbing, manipulative, man-eater personality.
Rumor has it, she was briefly married to some poor schnook who was serving in Iraq when she emptied out his bank account to finance a boob job, then she unceremoniously divorced him.
The Internet contains thousands of pictures of her getting drunk off her ass in a million different bars, a la Girls Gone Wild videos.
But Vienna was not the only reason this season of The Bachelor drove me insane.

Reason #2 was Jake himself. It's okay for a grown man to cry on occasion, but this pussyboy wimp cried more than a teenage girl with PMS. He cried at a beautiful sunset. He cried when he handed out roses. He cried when he had to send one of the bachelorettes home. He cried when he proposed. He cried before he bungee jumped.

Reason #3 was really the most egregious.

It was the hideous overuse of the word "journey."

"This has been an incredible journey."
"We are embarking on an amazing journey."
"I can't believe how this journey has turned out."
"I'm so glad to have been on this journey with you."
"What an unforgettable journey."
"We've had an amazing journey."
"We are about to journey into the next stage of our lives together."
"I'll have a peanut butter and journey sandwich."
"How was this journey for you?"
"I'm going to journey into the pool."
"We took a yacht on an amazing journey."
"Shall we journey to the dining room?"

After he used that word so many times, I was sort of glad he selected that horse-faced whore Vienna after all.
He as much as admitted he picked her because she can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch, so the passion will last only as long as her first spoiled brat temper tantrum.
She's an awful person. It's only a matter of time before he sees her true colors.
Then they can journey their stupid asses to divorce court.

Thursday, March 04, 2010

Now She's Doing Stand-up Comedy?

Egads. I heard a few snippets of the comedy act Sarah Palin did on Jay Leno, and it's really hard to believe she'd choose that pack of crappy one liners. She really is dumb.
I wish she'd done her act on Funny or, and let us vote on the outcome.
Has she no dignity?
What's next, Dancing With the Stars?
What's with these crazy breeders like Palin, Kate Gosselin and the Octomom? Why aren't they staying home raising their litters instead of gallivanting around and doing anything they can for publicity?
Palin and Gosselin have both "written" books, and Octopussy is working on one of her own. Who'd want to shell out money to read what any of these dipshits have to say?
Has America really come to this?
God help us.

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Texas Gubernatorial Primary

Someone in my comments asked for my take on today's primaries in Texas.
On the GOP side, there's gay Gov. Rick the Prick Perry versus Mommie Dearest Kay Bailey Hutchison, and on the Democratic side there's bland Bill White out of Houston against hair products zillionaire Farouk Shami, who was born in fuckin' Palestine, of all places.
The real race is between the two Republican jackals, because this is Texas.
They ain't no way anyone is voting for an Arab on the Democratic side, no matter how rich he is, so that's that.
Anyway, I didn't bother to vote because Bill White will win the Democratic primary for sure. And even if a miracle happens and Farouk Shami wins, I'll vote for him in the general election--or anyone--running against whichever GOP slimeball wins.
They say Perry is favored to beat Hutchison, which tells me decisively that Texas Republicans are fucking idiots who need a good horse whippin.'