Wednesday, December 31, 2008

ZeeBig Zaps Piggy Eyes

Zbigniew Brzezinski's remarks about the Israel Palestine conflict were interesting enough, but zoom up to ~6:52 and listen to ZeeBig zap Scarborough right in the nuts about his ignorance. LOVED IT!

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Riddle Me This

Question: What do you name a kid who was conceived during a boozy ecstacy romp?
Answer: Tripp.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Laura Bush
"My Husband Is Not a Failure"

Note to Laura:

Oh yes he is.
Using the reasoning that he's kept us safe doesn't fly.
The mostly Saudi Arabian terrorists of 9/11 struck on his watch because they knew he was owned by the Saudis and they could get by with it.
And they have.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

That Iraqi journalist who threw the shoes at Bush should create a web site with a PayPal account and request that anyone who agrees that Bush should have been hit in the head with his dirty shoes should send him a dollar.
Wouldn't you send him a buck or two?
I sure as Hell would.
That's More Like It

Imagine a smart, buff president who's already tanned enough to risk topless photos taken of him in December.
Sure, Sarkozy and Putin beat him to the topless punch, but our guy is taller, more toned and probably a much better dancer.
With so much pressure awaiting him at the Oval Office in less than a month, isn't it nice to see the man can totally chill out on his vacation?
Isn't it nice to see this face and this bod representing We, the People?
Yeah, America is cool again, world.
We got this, relax.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Amy Winehouse

From This:

To This:

I'm not sure why, but I follow British singer Amy Winehouse's shenanigans on a daily basis.
Maybe I think with my daily attention I can will her to stay alive in spite of her Herculean problems with alcohol and drugs.
But maybe it's just selfish of me in the end because I really love her music and would like to hear more of it as time moves ahead.
I realize the sight of her frolicking topless in the Carribbean is not exactly sexy, but it looks a damn sight better than the usual emaciated, zoned out druggie pics of her I usually see.
She's divorcing Blake incarcerated, thank God, and before he violated probation and returned to prison, he admitted he turned her on to heroin and crack and self mutilation. He's asking for a million pounds to give her a divorce. Sounds like a bargain to me.
Give a chump like him a million quid and he'll shoot it or snort it or drink it up within a month or so.
Winehouse is obviously an habitual personality who's way too impressionable to be around other addicts. I wish she'd meet and fall in love with a decent person who'd help her shape up and get back to the creative life we've all seen in her.
I saw Hendrix, Joplin and Morrison all die at age 27 back in the '70's and it hurt my young psyche. I hope I don't have to see her end up with the same fate.

Here, if you haven't seen her yet, this is what all the hubbub was about.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Camelot Returns

All this flap about Caroline Kennedy being qualified and leap-frogging over others and all that other malarkey--I say forgeddaboudit.
Caroline is not just a Kennedy, she's THE remaining Kennedy from the White House Camelot Days.
Should a non politician be considered for a vacated Senate seat?
Well, why not?
As long as Sonny Bono and his fitness trainer widow could clutter the halls of Congress, are you telling me Caroline Kennedy has to first pass some kind of wacky sniff test?
She's Caroline Kennedy, she smells like GOLD, all right?
If I were a New Yorker I'd be sending the governor money to ensure CK gets that job.
I mean, come on, if The Caroline Kennedy appeared at your office wanting something, what would you say, no?
It's her time.
it's her legacy.
Put her in the Senate and let's be done with it.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

A Holiday Tribute to All My Jewey Friends

My New Hanukkah Song
(to the tune of Jingle Bells)

Dashing through the mall
Shiksas wall to wall
Wish these bitches would go home
I need some space, y'all

Oh! Hanukkah, Chanukkah, Hannu-freaking Cah
Wish someone would find one way
To spell it, tra la la

Cooking brisket now
Latkes bubblin'--wow
Soon all of the family
Will show up for some chow

Oh! Hanukkah, Chanukkah, Hannu-freaking Cah
Wish someone would find one way
To spell it, tra la la

Dreidel spinning fun
Peanuts to be won
Lighting the menorah next
And then our fun is done

Oh! Hanukkah, Chanukkah, Hannu-freaking Cah
Wish someone would find one way
To spell it, tra la la

Flicks and Chinese food
Goyim think we're rude
But we get to skip all the
Meshuggah Christmas 'tude

Oh! Hanukkah, Chanukkah, Hannu-freaking Cah
Wish someone would find one way
To spell it, tra la la

Hanukkah, Chanukkah, Hannu-freaking Cah
We skip all the craziness
You Christians have, ha ha!

Friday, December 19, 2008

Merry Christmas to Little Merry Sunshine, aka Jessica
From KarenZipdrive, Your Secret Santa

Thanks to my buddy Monkey Muck, I've been included in his annual Secret Santa celebration, where earlier today I was thrilled by blogger Mommy's amazing treats for me. Links to hers and Little Merry Sunshines's blogs can be located in the comments section below.
I was assigned to be Secret Santa for my new friend Jessica, who writes a very sharp blog out of Chicago, home of my all time favorite president.

Obviously, her Christmas gift extravaganza will start with tickets for four, all expenses paid, to the inaguration in Washington, DC, where she and her guests will stay at the Watergate in an apartment next door to Condi Rice's pad. Peep holes have been pre-drilled for her amusement.

Now, we've all heard Chicago can be a rough town, so forget the guard dog, I'm sending my new pal her very own guard Bear.
While she's away at the inauguration, imagine the fun burglars will have jumping her fence only to meet her cuddly new protector!

Next comes a private concert for Jessica and her buddies, all the way from my home in Texas. A little group we like to call The Dixie Chicks:

Jessica is said to love gardening, but it's too fucking cold to garden in Chi-town in the winter, so here from Smith & Hawken comes a snazzy new 8x12 greenhouse, all for her.

And all work and no play makes Jessica a dull girl, so here's a nice set of box seat season tickets for all the Chicago Cubs games.
They are in Row 6, infield, so I suppose that's a nice spot.

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And to tailgate to the games, what could be nicer than a car a Texan like me would consider ideal for any Chicagoan?
Yeah baby, it's the purple pimp limo!

Merry Christmas, Jessica!
Ruh Ro!

Sherry Johnston, the mother of Bristol Palin's Baby Daddy Levi, has been dragged to the Wasilla pokey to face multiple drug charges. Not sure what kind of drugs, reports just said "controlled substance" but apparently the charges include possession and delivery, aka dealing.
A strapping young man living in a drug laden Wasilla hidey-hole with his druggy Mama, leaving home only to impregnate the Governor's under-age daughter and attend the RNC convention.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

An Oldie But a Goodie

I've got nothing much to say, I just couldn't stand that image of Pickles Bush and those two mutts in all that overly saturated color heading up my blog.
So, I present to you the Tampon Angel, which I think you can probably deconstruct so you can make some of your own.
They go beautifully with the Panty Liner slippers, which you can create by using one for the sole and crossing over another for the instep and decorating accordingly. Charming.
I have no Christmas tree again this year.
My cats are maniacs who would dismantle a tree within moments, right in front of me.
Same goes for lit candles or anything breakable displayed on any flat surface.
In fact, if I actually made any tampon angels, I may as well stuff them with catnip because the kitties would tear them apart anyway.
I think my kitties may be Jewish.
They care nothing about Christmas.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

What Production Values?

We live in America, home to Hollywood and the most talented screenwriters, directors, producers, special effects artists and cinematographers on Earth.
With all that talent abounding, the Bush hillbillies give us this schlock?
Watch it if you dare.
And never forget that Barney is actually a mean little bastard who snarls and bites, just like his stupid, shoe-dodging daddy.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008


A schlemiel is the guy who spills his soup on another guy.
A schlamozzle is the guy who gets the soup spilled on him.
This Rod Blagojovich character needs a new Yiddish word coined just for him. Schlamielozzle.
From the ridiculous hair to the disgruntled yard gnome-meets leprechaun face, he's just too comical to be a serious criminal.
Except he is a serious criminal.
Trying to auction off President-elect Obama's vacated Senate seat to the highest bidder has to be the low-light of political scumbaggery.
And of course he contacted Obama's people to feel them out for a deal. People like him think everyone has got to be as slimy as him; he views the whole world through his slimy bangs.
And I bet he contacted Rahm Emanuel to broker a deal, and I bet Emanuel was the one who dropped a dime on him.
How do I know?
Because Obama's been extra cool and breezy when questioned about Blogo contacting him or his staff.
DOJ Special Counsel Patrick Fitzgerald asked that neither Obama nor his staff make any public statements about the investigation until it's completed.
But I think there's a taped conversation between Blogo and Emanuel that Obama's camp can't wait to release, that went something like this:

RB: Hey, Emanuel, I tink ya know why I'm callin ya's, so let's cut to the fuckin' chase, how 'bouddit?
RE: What the fuck do you want, ya fuckin' piece of shit?
RB: Youse know I got somethin' that's fuckin' golden, an' I know youse got someone in mind to fill that vacant seat, ey?
RE: So? I got a lotta people in mind, so what da fuck is yer point, douchebag?
RB: My point is, moron, for da right price I kin arrange it.
RE: Arrange what, you fuckin' cocksucker?
RB: Arrange to pick da right motherfucka to fill da seat, ya fucking Heeb.
RE: Who ya callin' a Heeb, ya fuckin' Serbian, throat slittin' asshole?
RB: Yeah, yeah, whatevah, dipshit. So you wanna deal, er what?
RE: Wait, lemme make sure da wire the FBI set me up wit is hooked up right.
RB: Yeah, big talker, youse go righta head, ha, ha, fuckin' ha.
RE: Okay, it's workin' so what were you sayin' to me, ya fuckin' turd?
RB: Quit yankin' my chain, faggot. For da right price I kin put in any motherfucka ya want in the big O's seat.
RE: Are you talkin' pay for play, asshole?
RB: Fuckin' A, douchebag. It's how it's fuckin' done.
RE: So lemme get dis straight, you are askin' for a fuckin' bribe for you to name da right person to da Senate?
RB: Whoa! Not a bribe, stoopid, just a perk, you know, like an ambassadorship or a no-show union job, or maybe an exec gig for the wife, nuthin' big, just a two-fifty large a year thing, ya know what I mean?
RE: You know you're being taped, right?
RB: Oh blah, blah, blah, like you're fuckin' Alan Funt, funnyman. Yeah right, I'm bein' taped and so are you, right? You're talkin' about offerin' me a bribe and you're on your fuckin' high horse talkin' about tapes, ya motherfuckin'clown?
RE: I didn't offer ya shit, ya fuckin' dirtbag.
RB: Ya fuckin' did too!
RE: Did not!
RB: You don' know who yer fuckin' wit, I kin see dat.
RE: Yeah, and I'm little Lord Fauntelroy, ya fuckin' dick!
RB: Hey, fuck you!
RE: No, fuck you!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

HA HA HA HA! WTG Iraqi Guy!

Palin's Church Burned, Arson Suspected

Gee, why would anyone want to torch a church that attracts ultra right wing fundamentalists who devote part of their ministry to curing homosexuals, among other things?
I'm not saying arson is a good thing, especially not to a place of worship.
I'm saying that karma has a way of settling the will of God and delivering strong messages.
Sarah Palin apologized to the members of the Wasilla Holy Roller Bible Church, "for bringing any negative publicity to the church by her affiliation with it."
I have no doubt her apology was in order.
When anyone stomps around, harshly judging everyone whose views differ from their own, they will attract some negativity.
When a church presumes to know a cure for a simple biological predisposition like homosexuality, that's not the word of God, that's the word of fanatics and control freaks who deny science and haughtily think they speak for God.
A million dollar fire will no doubt inconvenience the members of that church. They will have to raise funds to restore it, and I have a hunch it's not a particularly wealthy congregation.
Wouldn't it be amazing if that church's leaders looked to themselves and asked why anyone would want to burn down their church?
What if they examined their tenets and identified which ones would offend someone enough to want to destroy their church?
Wouldn't it be heavenly if they decided to become a more loving, inclusive congregation that truly celebrates the existence of a loving God, rather than condemning God's other children whose only fault is differing from their rigid mindset?
Yeah well, I somehow doubt that'll happen. These are the kind of people whose righteous indignation and sense of entitlement will forever pollute the message of Jesus and his dad.
Karma's a bitch, Wasilla fanatics. Deal with it.
I'll See Your Country and Raise You a Prince

Turn up the volume real loud for maximum effect

There I was this morning, slumbering peacefully in my little bed around 9:30, sleeping off the remnants of the office party bucket o' Scotch I drank last night.
Then woe is me, I was awakened with a shock.
It seems the new renter next door decided to wash his pick-up truck in the driveway next to my living room windows, with a very loud country music accompaniment. I'm not sure who was singing, but it was twangy and corny and super loud and annoying.
I stood it for about 5 minutes, then I pulled out my secret weapon, Prince's Greatest Hits.
There's something about playing Prince at level 10 on the 10 level volume control, after carefully positioning all four speakers against the windows facing his truck.
"Purple Rain" was one of the tamer songs, believe me. I think "You Sexy Motherfucka" was probably my favorite anecdote to his cornball country crap.
He turned his music down a little, but if he turns it back up, I just hope he likes Lakme or Carmen, because they're next up.
This is the same guy I had to call the cops on recently because he and his live-in girlfriend were having a violent verbal outburst in that same driveway. Why can't trailer trash renters go inside to duke it out?
Ugh. I wish Scrotum Face Pete, the owner of the house next door, would sell it to a couple of old queens who'd keep the place up nicely and bring over warm cookies once in a while.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Uncle Joe Gets a New Pup

Obama's daughters aren't the only ones who can be bought with a whiff of puppy breath.
Lovable old Joe Biden's wife Jill told him if he and Obama won, she'd get him a new puppy.
On the campaign plane, Jill would tape various puppy photos on the seat in front of him to inspire him to give exciting speeches at rallies.
Jill made good on her word and here's Joe with his new German Shepherd baby boy.
Cute, huh?

Thursday, December 11, 2008


Here he is, leaving his house via a back alley.
I'm just sorry I hadn't heard of Blogo before this latest scandal erupted.
That retro hair-mop, the turned up nose, the close together eyes--stuff that blog dreams are made of.
He could have been my Condi Rice or Ursula Plassnik and I could have been the next Princess Sparkle Pony, but no.
I am a day late and a dollar short.
Seriously though, doesn't this guy look like that kid in high school playing pocket pool during science class and picking his nose during assemblies?
Twerps with power are so thrilling, no?

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Veddy Veddy Interestink

Turns out Joe the unlicensed Plumber thought McCain was a nasty old dick.
He told fellow wingnut Glenn Beck that he felt "dirty" after "being on the campaign trail and seeing some of the things that take place."

"I honestly felt even more dirty (sic) after I had been on the campaign trail and seen some things that take place. It was scary, man," unlicensed Plumber said. He told Beck he asked McCain "some pretty direct questions" about the bailout, and wasn't pleased with the response. "They appalled me, absolutely. You know, I was angry. In fact, I wanted to get off the bus after I talked to him."

Asked why he didn't leave McCain's campaign if he was "appalled" by the candidate, the unlicensed Plumber said, "Honestly, because the thought of Barack Obama as president scares me even more..."

Okay, so he's a racist and he can't stand McCain, the man who gave him his 10 minutes of fame.
So, who does he like?
Sarah Palin.
He said he thought she was "the real deal."
He said it was clear to him all she wants to do is serve. She has no ambition for fame or glory, she just wants to be a humble servant of the people.
Joe, you're an idiot. Please get back to illegally snaking out peoples' shitty drains, where you belong.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008


I heard Rahm Emanuel blew the whistle on this miserable crook after he reached out to Emanuel for some payola in exchange for him appointing "the right senator" to replace Obama.
Good for Emanuel.
We all know Chicago politics are crooked, even by Texas standards, but this guy takes the cake.
I think they should tattoo a swastika on his forehead and a confederate flag on his butt and throw him into the general population of the nearest Illinois prison.
Adios, MoFo.
Bank of UnAmerica?

We've probably all read about that door company in Chicago laying off its workers because Bank of America dropped the company's line of credit.
I clipped this from the Huffington Post:
"Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich announced Monday that he is asking all Illinois government agencies to suspend business with Bank of America. Blagojevich contended that Bank Of America received a multi-billion dollar bailout from the government and should accordingly restore credit to the Republic Windows & Doors company in Chicago."
Good for him.
I had my own little B of A fuck-up just last payday.
I deposited my pay check, drawn on a local WaMu account and it cleared within a day of depositing.
However, B of A put a hold on the funds for a week.
Why? The clerk mumbled something about the Patriot Act.
I went quietly berserk and demanded to see the bank manager, He was away at a bank managers' meeting. "He might be back tomorrow," the clerk said.
After I provided her with a copy of the cancelled check WaMu provided me, I told her to have him call me the moment he showed up.
He called the next day, cheerfully telling me "he was able to release the funds."
What the fuck???
Now I'll have to go to WaMu, cash my check, then go to B of A to deposit the fucking cash.
Bank of America, I have a message for you.
My tax dollars, along with millions of others' tax dollars, went toward bailing out your miserable industry.
Now you are obviously hoarding that money and it's UnAmerican.
Keep it up and I'll move my account to another bank, you chiseling sons of bitches.

Monday, December 08, 2008

See Ya, Honky

Hmm, it seems the new 'hood the Bushes are moving into after they leave the White House has a little problem.
Dallas's fancy Preston Hollow might be pretty and safe, but they only started allowing non-whites to reside there in 2000.
Oh, colored servants were allowed of course, but no blackies or brownies could live there.
Funny thing, Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban lives there, but none of his black basketball players could have done the same until 2000.
WTF? I didn't know having segregated neighborhoods was even legal!
Damn, it's times like this I wish I was mega wealthy so I could buy a home in that 'hood and turn it into Section 8 housing.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

One More Reason Why I Love Kitties

h/t to earthbound misfit
Obama's VA Secretary Pick:
A Big 'Fuck You' to Bush

Gotta love it.
President Obama will announce on Sunday Gen. Eric Shinseki as his Secretary of the Department of Veterans Affairs.
You may recall Gen. Shinseki got fired when he told Bush and that fucking nitwit Donald Rumsfeld about needing hundreds of thousands of U.S. troops in Iraq. The assessment did not please the delusional duo, so they promptly fired him and replaced him with a yes-man whose mouth was large enough to kiss both their butts at the same time.
The VA has always been the red-headed stepchild of the DoD, especially when it comes to Republican chicken hawks who love to use up troops then discard them like dirty Kleenex after they've served their purpose.
Not anymore.
It's good to see President Obama taking the VA seriously and selecting a leader who may genuinely care about fulfilling promises made to soldiers when they return from war as veterans.
I hope he manages to carve out a huge chunk out of the DoD's bloated budget so he can upgrade VA hospitals, improve benefits and keep the promises made to veterans like the government used to do.
Part of the reason I am so against war is the way the government treats returning veterans. It's a disgrace to ask people to fight for their country, then treat them like low-life moochers afterwards.
I think selecting a man like Shinseki is a step in the right direction. If he had the integrity to stand up to sniveling liars like Bush, Rumsfeld and Wolfowitz, it bodes well for the veterans he's been chosen to serve.
Another good pick by our new president.

Saturday, December 06, 2008

Sweet Caroline

Rumor has it, Caroline Kennedy might be on the short list to replace Hillary Clinton in the Senate.
I think it's an amazing idea.
We've held Caroline in our hearts since she was a toddler in the White House.
Her political pedigree is priceless and she's grown up to be a poised, intelligent woman.
I believe New York and America would be lucky to have her serving in the Senate.
It's time for Caroline to come full circle and fulfill her destiny, don't you think?

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Class Act

President Obama has purchased a $30,000 ring to give his wife Michelle as a thank you gift on inauguration day.
It's made of rhodium, the world's most expensive metal, and encrusted with diamonds.
While I remain a cynic at heart, I was so happy to read about this gesture made by a man who loves his wife and knows how to demonstrate it with an eternal keepsake like this ring.
Of course the unwashed masses have criticised the purchase, saying the money should have gone to charity and other petty things, but I disagree.
The ring will become a part of American history as a symbol of so many things that are right about the President and his wife and family.
Imagine the example he's setting for all men, Black men in particular. His daughters are growing up in a stable, loving home and will seek out husbands or other mates who meet the standards they were reared in.
The ring reminds me that we have a new president who's obviously loving, well loved and in a passionate relationship.
I think a person who's sexually and emotionally satisfied at home is less likely to go to the office frustrated and angry and take it out on others, like Bush did in his thirst for war.
Who knows, maybe Bush and Laura are still gettin' it on, but it looks to me like their marriage is bland at best. I know we've never read about any romantic gestures Bush has made toward Laura.
With this symbolic ring, Obama has shown us he's taking care of business in his marriage. That bodes well for him taking care of business in the White House, too.

Monday, December 01, 2008

I Really Try to Like Sarah Silverman, But...

I'll admit she's occasionally funny and I loved her "schlep to Florida to see your grandparents and demand they vote for Obama" bit, but the girl makes me nervous.
She reminds me of the type who'd say something so inappropriate and gross while she's with you in public you'd die of embarrassment.
You know the type.
"This is my friend Betty. She has no uterus or ovaries so she can grow a beard in half a day."
"Say hello to my boyfriend. His penis is only 3" long and his balls smell like gefilte fish. And he constantly plays with himself while he watches bondage porn."
"Meet my boss Rick. He's fucking the receptionist and once I found his spooge on her desk. It was real stringy."
"Today my poop had corn in it and it smelled like kimchee."
"Waitress? Do you have any extra cloth napkins? I feel butt cheese in my pants and I want to get rid of it without going to the restroom."
I actually know someone like her in real life.
She's a drunk and has no boundaries. She'll say the most insulting or embarrassing things to me at dinner parties or small places like that and then she tries to act all innocent so I can't throw a plate at her.
Once we were at a bar and she stood on the toilet and peered over my stall so she could watch me pee. Then she told everyone how much it pissed me off.
I used to work with her and during a staff meeting and she asked me if I was still dating that hot, crazy chick. I wasn't out yet, but that's really something I'd rather do for myself.
We went to Laredo, Mexico once and she expected me to walk over the border checkpoint with her while she had 1,000 Valiums stuffed into her purse and in every pocket of her clothes. Plus we took her car and it was so filthy it actually had fresh and dessicated dog turds in it.
It took us about 45 minutes to clean it out before we left- and we filled two huge garbage cans in the process.
I'm not sure Sarah Silverman is a dirty pig like that, but she's got the same mouth on her- and that makes me nervous.
Forty-nine Days to Go

Bush and Dick have been worse than having a family of violent alcoholic Okie thieves move in with you for 8 years.
Now Bush's idiot slob of a brother Jeb is demanding the GOP do a "shadow government" behind Obama's administration.
Fuck all the Bushes, especially that old sow who birthed them.
And fuck Dick Cheney, that evil slimeball.
I don't even like Bush's nasty dog Barney.
Get all of them outta our lives NOW!
Send in the Heavy Artillery

Oh, swell.
Bush is sending Condi Know-Nothing Rice to India to show solidarity between the U.S. and India.
Adding this inept fool to the aftermath of their terrorist attack is like sending a Band-aid to Walter Reed to help patch up a soldier.
Haven't they got enough to deal with in India without having to drag out the matching armchairs and pretend to welcome Bush's human Scottie dog?
Jesus, Bush, give it a rest.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Very Black Friday

You've all heard by now that a Walmart employee in Long Island, NY was stomped to death by anxious shoppers trying to barge their way into the store when it opened at 6 a.m.
Looks to me like the Walmart people were too cheap to hire extra staff and security to manage the stampede.
I hate all Walmarts, especially the one near my urban house.
Now, I have nothing against illegal aliens or Mexican Americans, in fact I am half Mexican American myself. However, shopping in the country of Mexico is a little too frantic for me. All the jostling, the screaming toddlers, the loud voices and the lack of basic civility offend my basic sense of public behavior.
The Walmart by my house is exactly like a little trip to Laredo, Mexico. The noise level alone makes me want to pop Valium like Skittles.
I can only imagine what Black Friday was like yesterday at that store. With about four employees for every 4,000 shoppers, I imagine getting hold of one of those $800 Samsung 52" plasma TV's they had on sale was a lot like the running of the bulls in Pamplona.
No no, no.
Walmart sells cheap Chinese imports and undervalues its employees. The money saved by shopping there is made off the backs of poor people.
Sure, it's a great place for people of limited means to shop, but anyone above the poverty line should leave the place to those who need it most.
The Long Island police currently are studying store video to try to identify the perpetrators who stomped that man to death. Good luck on that peculiar game of Where's Waldo.
As far as I'm concerned, I'm not even going to drive past my local Walmart until after the holidays are over.
The iSaga Continues

My new iTouch, whom I have named Bad Penny, is still sitting in it's little white Apple bag next to my computer.
She's sort of like adopting a Chinese baby girl who you just know is going to grow up to be brilliant but right now she's got a rash, colic, diarrhea and she's teething.
Okay, okay, I'm sure Bad Penny is fine. It's her adopted Mama who has the problems.
I think I have a touch of ADHD that manifests itself in my utter inability to read directions.
Hell, I've had my car for two years and I'm still not sure what some of the buttons are for. The car has Blue Tooth capacity and I don't even know what the fuck that is. I know it has something to do with wearing a gizmo too close to your brain and goading the tumor gods into action, but what that has to do with a car is beyond me.
Anyway, back to Bad Penny.
Enter my lover-in-law Jilly, my Big Sis's partner of ~50 years. She's like Sonic Hedgehog when you hand her some electronic gizmo. When I brought Bad Penny home to their house the day before Thanksgiving, she got her tiny mitts on it and before I knew it I was watching You Tube's "Charlie Bit Me" on the little screen.
Then we considered trying to load some music, but Big Sis's iTune account smelled fresh meat and tried to commandeer Bad Penny for its own.
I suspect it may have succeeded because when I went to download my own iTune account, Big Sis's playlist appeared.
Hell, I wish I could just steal her playlist but Apple is smart- they don't allow anyone to download their 99 cent songs to any location but the one iPod.
Another thing that worries me about Bad Penny is that I get a little obsessive about things and I just know I'll end up buying 1,000 songs and games and movies from those bastards.
Then once I get it fully loaded, what if I drop it or it wears out or gets stolen or whatever? Do they have batteries? What if they wear out?
Another thing, you gotta get the accessories or else it's like having a Barbie wearing just the one bathing suit she came with.
So next I gotta get the demanding baby a little outfit to wear so she doesn't get scratched. Big Sis is insisting on some icky hard rubber thing but I prefer black leather without the little flap covering her face.
Then I gotta get something called a docking station where you put her in a crib with big speakers on it. And I can't get a shitty one because lousy speakers make for lousy sound.
Then I gotta buy a recharger thing so I can plug it in when I'm not around a computer.
Basically, I cannot hold on to a pair of earrings for more than a week without losing one of them, yet I am supposed to keep track of a little sliver of chrome and glass that's filled with $2,000 worth of music n'shit?
Then I have to completely retool my wardrobe so everything I wear has the requisite pocket to carry her in.
Or I'm sure for the right price I can get her a little holster that clips on.
Buyer beware, that cool ad on TV that shows young people having a blast playing games on their new iTouch does not show them trying to figure out how to get the damn games on there to begin with.
So now I have to clean the house because Milly and Jilly will be here in the morning to show me how to diaper Bad Penny. In addition to being electronics junkies, housekeeping-wise they both make Martha Stewart look like a rutting sow in a mud pond.
I, on the other hand, take a more casual approach to housekeeping. I think exercise equipment and dining room tables make excellent places to store clothing. I think coffee grounds on the kitchen counter give a place that homey look. I think 50 pairs of shoes scattered throughout the home gives it that quaint, lived-in touch. Cat hair makes a great cushion for heavily trafficked carpeted areas.
What's more, Milly and Jilly want to have Sunday brunch at the Neiman Marcus tea room. That means instead of shlepping myself to the local taco joint in my ratty clothes and bed head, I have to find an outfit and "do my hair" before we go.
I tell you what.
After all this effort, when I get to work on Monday with my tricked out iTouch, those little Gen Z punks I work with had better fall to their knees in acknowledgement of my electronic sophistication and superiority.
Just once I'd like to hear one of them say, "Gee Karen, for an old fart you are totally cool."
And I can smile and say, "Yeah, I gotta have all the latest gear, kids. It's just how I roll."

Friday, November 28, 2008

It's New! It's Exciting! It's the All-New iTouch by Apple

Silly, silly, me.
My sister and her partner Thoroughly Modern Milly and Jilly, are richer than shit and always (very modestly) showing me their state-of-the-art electronic shit.
From their iMac to their WiFi to their iPods of all sorts to their fancy phones and flat panel TV's in every room, I got fed up and decided to one-up them the day before Thanksgving.
I went and plunked down more than 300 bucks on an iTouch- the latest in...well, I don't even know what you call the damn things. I just call it the world's most expensive transistor radio--without the radio.
I had to wait to get home to San Antonio to log into and load it up with a zillion songs and movies and games and applications, except for one thing. It requires me to have a WiFi connection and I just barely have DSL. I don't even know what a fucking WiFi connection is.
So, I messed around with the damn little thing and tried my best to load stuff onto it, but I couldn't even load the $50 iTunes gift card I got to go with it.
So I muttered a lot, cussed a bit, then I threw it all back into the bag it came in and I'm going to the Apple Store tomorrow and get my money back.
Well, most of it. They charge a 10% restocking fee.
And the gift card I'll probably just end up giving my sister because I already scratched the code off and fed in into the Apple ethers somehow.
I give up.
I am not electronically inclined, nor will I ever be.
I don't even aspire to be.
I am lucky to have a PC that works, a digital camera I understand and a cell phone. Oh wait, I also have a Blackberry they gave me at work, but all I know how to do on that is dial numbers and occasionally answer it.
I was so eager to become part of the Millenium Generation and show the young pups at work how cool I was with my totally rad iTouch.
Alas, it was too much for me.
Turns out I'm not very cool at all.
Or rad.
I'm just hoping the people who brought us the Jitterbug cell phone (all it does is make and take calls)come up with their version of an iPod. You just turn it on and it plays only 70's and 80's music. Real loud.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving

I know Rachel Maddow has nothing to do with Thanksgiving, I just think she's hot, and so does every straight female Blogger I know. Enjoy feasting your eyes on her.
For the first time in 8 years, we have something to be truly grateful for--a new president who has intelligence, dignity and superb leadership qualities.
I believe America will start to heal at last.
I'm grateful for my cool family. We all get along and have fun together, so that's where I'll be on Turkey Day.
I wish all of you a safe and happy holiday.


Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Obama Drama? Oh, Just Cut It Out

For Christ's sake media, we know you're bored but must you create drama where none exists?
All this prattle about Hillary bringing drama into the no drama Obama camp is bullshit.
The sexist media has portrayed Hillary as the ultimate Alpha Dog, but if they'd just pause and consider the facts, they'd have to reconsider.
Does anyone here think Bill Clinton was the Beta Dog when he was president? Hell, he got caught cheating like a lowlife scumbag and Hillary stayed with him.
As a freshman senator, we all know Hillary won the respect of members on both sides of the aisle by being humble, asking questions and working very hard for her constituents.
Obama is a total Alpha Dog.
So Alpha is he, he's secure enough in his leadership he was able to hire Hillary without any threat to his Alphaness.
You recall the primaries, where he stomped the mighty Clinton machine into the dust?
Good, that helps illustrate my point.
Sure the Clintons have created their share of drama in the past, but when you think about it, Bill was the true creator, not Hillary.
The media needs to wake up and find some real news.
Rather than admitting Obama made an excellent choice for Secretary of State, all this so-called drama about Hillary is media-created and divisive.
Don't fall for that crap.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

What Would You Choose For Your Last Meal?

I came across an article where researchers interviewed a bunch of prisoners and asked what their last meal would be.
Funny thing, asking people what their last meal would be and what three CD's they'd take if they were stranded on a desert island are my two favorite small-talk questions.
The prisoners frequently opted for fried chicken, burgers, ice cream, mashed potatoes and other comfort foods. Ho hum.
I have several last meal menues, but I think I'd end up selecting an amuse-bouche of seared ahi tuna with black sesame seeds in a light teriyaki glaze.
The entrees would be panko-crusted colossal gulf shrimp in a lemony butter sauce, a fresh Maine lobster tail and a filet mignon.
Sides would be a fully stuffed baked potato, just-picked corn on the cob and fresh green peas. For dessert I'd have creme brulee, warm apple crisp with a lot of cinnamon and fresh whipped cream, and a slice of flourless warm chocolate cake with a fresh raspberry coulis.
And what the hell, they could throw in some Oreos, too.
My beverages would be a 1971 Chateau Lafite Rothschild, a 1978 Wente Brothers Arroyo Seco Reisling, a bottle of Mumm's red stripe champagne, a glass of cold whole milk and an icy cold bottle of Canadian Music glacier water.
Then I'd finish it all off with a cup of freshly ground Jamaica Blue Mountain coffee, a nice snifter of 100-year-old cognac and a big Cuban cigar.
Now, use your imaginations and tell me what you'd select.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

We Are in Trouble
A blogatorial by Karen Zipdrive

First the good news.
George Bush and the Republicans whose insane, corrupt policies drove this mess we're in are on the way out.
Now the bad news.
The same hapless group of Republicans already are blaming President Obama for the recession we're in.
Now, more good news.
Nobody believes anything those crooked bastards say anymore.
Barack Obama, to his credit, must have the confidence of a super hero to want the job of presiding over this critically ill economy.
The pundits on the right already are second guessing his cabinet choices, saying he's selecting a lot of the usual Washington DC insiders and therefore not implimenting all that change he spoke about on the campaign trail.
Fortunately, when Pat Robertson and Joe Scarborough and that crowd opine about anything, we can rest assured they are full of shit, as usual.
Still, make no mistake about it, it took the GOP more than eight years to run this country into the ditch, and it'll take President Obama more than four years to reverse the damage.
The good news is, people trust him to make sound decisions.
People believe in him.
And most important of all, I believe people in America are ready, willing and able to pitch in and help in any way they are asked.
President Obama, just tell us what you need us to do to help and we will. Just don't expect us to like Joe Lieberman ever again.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Palin: Thanksgiving Schlimazel

Hoo boy.
It seems publicity hungry Sarah Palin decided she'd appear in Wasilla and pardon the turkey (Hey...I thought only presidents did that!)
Anyway, being without the savvy national Repugnican PR flaks at her beck and call, apparently nobody bothered to check the background scene as she gave her chipper seasonal interview to the media.
She may have pardoned some turkey, but it must not have been either of the gobblers getting beheaded in the background.
I loved how she said she'd probably end up being criticised for this "fun event"--just as one turkey's head was being removed.
And the ending was classic.
After going through the cliche pardoning of the turkey, she said she was in charge of roasting the turkey for her family this Thanksgiving.
Sheesh! Remind me not to ask for a gubernatorial pardon in Alaska. I wouldn't want to end up with little Piper gnawing at my drumsticks.
What Goes Around Comes Around

Girls and Boys, if you don't play nice on the playground and you bully others, they will wait until the whole wide world is watching and really make you feel like the sniveling, revolting, slimy son of a bitch you really are.

Kudos to FranIAm for the hot tip!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Please Allow Me to Introduce Myself

My name is Mark Begich and I just beat convicted felon Ted Stevens in the Alaska Senate race.
But even better, I have successfully derailed Sarah Palin's plans to take Steven's seat and sneak into the U.S. Senate so she can jump start her presidential aspirations.
Now she's gotta bundle up and stay in her drab governor's office and pretend to work on boring Alaskan stuff like funding a pipe dream--uh, pipeline nobody can afford.
Gone will be the media attention, the adulation of thousands and the free designer threads.
Now she's back to being plain old Sarah. Whee!
Sorry, Sarah.
I wish I could stay a bit longer to help you dry your tears, but I got a Senate hearing I have to get to. As in a U.S. Senate hearing.
We Interrupt The Bitching to Bring You...

Aren't they cute?
Every time I see their pictures I feel good about these two sweet little girls who get to live in the White House with their parents and their grandma.
Obama brings to office so many great symbols of hope, but even for an old curmudgeon like me, these two kids bring the most.
It's going to be fun watching them grow up.
You gotta wonder what they'll become as adults with the pedigrees they were born with. It makes me look forward to being an old lady one day. You?

Monday, November 17, 2008

Christopher Hitchens: Twit, Slob & Asshole

I keep forgetting how much I loathe the terminally stuffy, arrogant, so-called "intellectual" pundit/gasbag that is Christopher Hitchens.
Then I see him on TV or read some pithy article he's written and I am reminded just how much of a prick I think he is.
I don't just randomly pick people to dislike; they have to earn it, and Hitchens has.
He's one of those guys who always seems to argue the opposite side just to get attention. He used to be a liberal, then a conservative, now he's all over the map. I think he's just a sour guy who'd rather argue than breathe.
Here are some of his infamous quotes:
On Barack Obama: in September he referred to Obama as "vapid, hesitant and gutless" and "a dusky Dukakis."
He actually supported Obama, yet he said that?
On Bill Clinton, he referred to him as "a rapist and a liar."
He's good buddies with Paul Wolfowitz and Ahmed Chilabi.
He supported George W. Bush in the 2004 election.
He's written articles dogging (among others) Mother Teresa, Michael Moore, Ambassador Joe Wilson and Cindy Sheehan.
His statements about Hillary Clinton have been so damning and outrageous, I'm surprised she hasn't sued him for slander and libel.
I realize a lot of well-educated, expatriate Brits have issues with alcoholism and misogyny like Hitchens and Andrew Sullivan, but why do they have to come to America and peddle their flip flopping, mushy brained thoughts and philosophies?
Who gives a shit what an old, frumpy drunk Englishman thinks?
I say we should get him liquored up, tie him up (he'd probably love that) put him on a plane back to England and let them keep him.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

I Am Addicted to This Show

I am not one of those spooky types who loves to read Anne Rice and thinks about vampires and shit like that.
However, HBO's new series, "True Blood" is just as good, if not better than Alan Ball's first HBO series, "Six Feet Under."
From the evil-tinged rockabilly theme song to the mossy Louisiana landscape and the superstitious, swampy attitude that more or less defines residents of the state, the people who put this show together are masters at suspense, shock and story telling.
Having experienced for myself what I think may have been an inadvertent exposure to voodoo/bad juju on my last trip to New Orleans, weird shit happens in Louisiana and it is the perfect venue for a series about vampires.
Have you seen it?
Isn't it deliciously macabre?
I wanna do bad things with you... Eeuuwww, how creepy-cool is that song?
Two Yummy Progressives

Bill Mahar touched on this last night when he mentioned how cool it was once again to be an American.
He's right!
No major nation on Earth has had the moxie and wisdom to elect a super cool, smart black dude as president.
Hey Germany, Great Britain, Canada, France, Italy, Spain, Greece, Australia, New Zealand, Japan, China and all of you others, where's your cool black guy?
Oh, that's right, YOU DON'T HAVE ONE.
Yes, the same country that brought the world automobiles, telephones, electricity, the Internet, the personal computer, Levis, hamburgers, pizza, the Clapper, microwave ovens and ATMs has now cast off our unfortunate association with stupid, backward Republicans in government and replaced them with Barack Obama and his ultra cool wife Michelle.
We are back, motherfuckers, and we are cool again!
Even our new wave of pundits are super cool.
Take Rachel Maddow, Ph.D and her yummy butch lesbian outiness.
Even straight guys are popping wood for this smart and funny cable news dyke.
And when she's interviewing Arianna Huffington, another brainy, progressive, former Republican who woke up and came into the light--can it get any better?
Let's face it, Obama is bringing America's greatness back into the limelight again. No more need to sew Canadian maple leaf patches on our luggage when we travel overseas, we are cool Americans that even the French can love again.
Everything the founding fathers created when they defined America is coming true again.
We are a nation of inclusiveness.
We are free thinkers.
We are capable of learning from our mistakes and rebounding with change every intelligent global citizen can appreciate.
All we have to do now is stop the war in Iraq, create a new breed of reliable cars that run on air, stabilize the economy, clean up the environment, redistribute wealth so we can restore the middle class, educate our children better, provide universal health care, rebuild our crumbling infrastructure and remove tax loopholes and laws that allow the mega-rich and bloated corporations to avoid paying their fair share in taxes. Plus we need to allow all adult citizens the right to marry anyone they choose and we'll be golden.
Oh, and we also need to re-separate church and state, but how hard can that be when the laws already exist?
As an open-minded country, we gave the radical right-wing conservatives and religious crackpot fundamentalists a chance to rule and they did a lousy job of it.
Now it's our turn again.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Obama's No Idiot

Many people say Hillary Clinton's dogged performance in the Democratic primaries prepared President Obama for the general election; if he could get past her he could get past anyone.
When the dust settled and she climbed aboard Obama's campaign, she relentlessly spoke on his behalf and effectively neutralized the token woman on the other side of the race.
Having determined just how worthy an opponent and valuable an ally she can be, isn't she the kind of intelligent, tenacious person who'd do well as his Secretary of State?
I think so.
I believe that Obama truly is No Drama Obama.
He even suggested the rift with Democratic turncoat Joe Lieberman be healed.
I've studied the photos of Obama standing beside Hillary as she stumped for him and I saw many gestures of affection between them. I think they admire one another.
Try as they might, critics of Hillary and Bill have failed to diminish their value to the party and the nation.
I believe Hillary would make a fine Secretary of State.
How do you feel about it?

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Just In Case I Haven't Already Weighed In

We all know how Joe Lieberman jumped ship and did everything but publicly suck McCain's dick on the campaign trail.
Now there's talk about the Democratic caucus lightly tapping him on the wrist for saying so many horrendous things about President Obama during the campaign, then letting him continue on as if nothing ever happened.
We know, we know, the closer the Democrats get to the magic 60 members in the Senate, the better off they are because those GOP fuckleheads can't filibuster them into another era of hopeless deadlocks.
But, really, do the Democratic Senators have to kowtow to a slimy, slanderous traitor? They may not only lobby to keep him as a Democrat, some of them actually want to let him keep his chairmanship of the Homeland Security committee. What?
He promised to investigate Katrina fuck-ups, among other things, yet he sat there without doing shit--just like Bush told him to do.
I Say No.
The Democrats need to throw him out on his ass. Let him be a Republican, who cares? It's not like he was ever a loyal Democrat anyway, at least not while Bush was president.
Joe Lieberman cannot undo the sniveling things he did to help McCain try to get elected.
He cannot undo his continued campaigning for Republican senators still in close races.
He is unrepentant.
He screwed all Democrats, including those of us who donate money to our party and its candidates.
He didn't even win re-election in Connecticut as a Democrat, he ran as an independant after the Democrats refused to back him.
Now they want to back him by keeping him in the fold?
It's like letting a drunk who crashed your car use your other car while the one he crashed is in the shop.
I have two words for Lieberman, and the second one is "you."

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Call Me Heartless, But...

I have owned exactly one American car in my lifetime. It was a brand new 1971 Ford Pinto my dad got me when I was a senior in high school.
By my second year of college, it was a beat up piece of crap with a bad engine and parts (like the headlights) that fell off at will. The mechanic advised me to get rid of it that week, if not sooner. I did, and I've never bought American since then.

Now comes the U.S. auto industry, whining about going bankrupt and wanting the taxpayers to bail them out.
Gee, it's such a coincidence that poorly made cars and huge, gas guzzling trucks and SUV's aren't selling so well these days.
Who wouldn't prefer a plastic and tin foil Dodge Neon over a Toyota Corolla? Duh.
Nah, the U.S. Auto Industry has had decades to bring up the level of American-produced autos to Japanese and European standards. They haven't because of what? Greed? Laziness? Poor management? All the above?
When you can explain to me why Honda and Toyota can have their autos built on American soil and maintain their standards, yet GM, Chrysler and Ford cannot, then I'll get behind bailing them out.
Yeah, yeah, the collapse of the big three will destroy towns like Detroit, right? Anyone been to Detroit lately? They have a 75% school dropout rate and other signs of total demise.
You want to save jobs without bailing out shitty American car companies?
Let the Big Three go belly up and sell their plants to Toyota, Honda and Nissan. Hire and retrain American auto workers to their higher production standards.
End of story.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

A Couple of Things About President Obama

First of all, let's forget about calling him "President-elect Obama." He's already more presidential than his predecessor ever dreamed of being, and I think he deserves the honorarium now, not in late January.
Second, I watch MSNBC or CNN for several hours per day and I've heard too many right-wing GOP meat puppet/pundits opine about " Obama had better play to the center or even the right center in his opening act as president if he expects to blah, blah, blah..."
Oh yeah?
What do those yammering windbags know? Do you think four years ago they were on TV cautioning Bush not to play too far to the right-wing, fundamentalist wingnuts? I think not.
As much as I watched Bush like a hawk for the last eight years, I can't really name off-hand what he did the first year of his first term. I know it was bad, I just can't name anything specific he did that first year.
President Obama should do whatever the hell he wants in year one of his presidency.
Unlike Bush, he actually has a lot of political capital he should spend freely in his first year.
The right-wing pundits will vilify him for every minuscule misstep they perceive anyway, so why should he concern himself with what those partisan naysayers think? The majority of Americans trust his patriotism, his intellect and his decisiveness, so I think he should shoot for the stars from day one.
He's getting off to a great start from what I hear. He's planning to review every one of Bush's executive orders and trash the stupid ones (which will likely be most of them).
Anyone object to that? I didn't think so.

Today on NPR I heard a segment about noted racist David Duke discussing his "European American Unity and Rights Conference" (Heil Hitler!) held on Nov. 7-9 in Memphis.
His quotes about President Obama were too ignorant to repeat here, but suffice it to say his racism has definitely been inflamed by having a Black man in the White House, doing something other than cleaning it.
Let's take a recent look at David Duke:

Are you trying to tell me this guy is an All-American heterosexual Christian whose only raison d'etre is ensuring the rights and fair treatment of "European Americans"?
If I know anything, I know when I see a closeted gay man who loves big Black cock so much he feels guilty about it and behaves like such a contrary jackass as a result.
The lady doth protest too much, methinks.
It must be killing the radical right racists in America to see the rest of us rejoicing in Obama's landslide election.
They don't see his intellect, his calm, measured demeanor, his superb education or even his exemplary role as a husband and father. They see a nigger, set out to ruin America.
As someone old enough to have lived through the assassinations of JFK, RFK and MLK, I worry a lot about violent, evil racists like David Duke stirring up his ilk and prompting them toward violence, against all people of color and especially toward President Obama.
If Bush accomplished anything, he did manage to create an environment of uber-security for the president. No open motorcades, no large public venues without careful scrutiny of all attendees, no public jogging or other activities where a nut with a gun would be tempted to pick him off.

President Obama is beloved. He's wildly popular with sane people. The rest of the world even shares our joy.

There are Americans out there with more guns than brains. They value their anger and racism more than the God they claim to worship. In fact, sales of automatic weapons and ammunition have dramatically increased since the election results were called.
Let's just hope that President Obama takes a cue from paranoids like Bush & Cheney and keeps himself and his family surrounded with more security than he thinks they'll ever need.
No matter how crazy and violent he might think the radical right is, multiply that by a thousand and I think it'd present a more accurate estimate.

We are excited to finally have an inspirational president again. We as Americans have to do all we can to make racists like Duke so utterly unpopular and rebuked, it'll give all racists pause.
It's no longer a time to endure the racists among us with silence and civility. They have to be called on it and we have to be as bold as they are rude and ignorant.
Do you agree?

Monday, November 10, 2008

Transfer of Power Begins Today

Heh, heh, heh.
The media is all abuzz about the Obamas going to the Whitehouse today to meet the Bushes and take the tour of their new residence.
Media people are speculating about Bush still being sore at Obama about all his campaign speeches describing Bush's failed policies, etc.
Are they kidding?
Bush is at heart a fratboy, and therefore impermeable to name calling and insults.
I think Bush will be giddy with excitement today as he shows off the Whitehouse.
He'll giggle while showing Obama his Oval Office desk drawer filled with stink bombs, cigarette loads, whoopie cushions, rubber barf and dog turds.
Bush can take Obama to the kitchen and show him how many gallons of ice cream the freezer will hold. He'll pat Whitehouse Chef Christeta Comerford on the butt and say, "For a Filopena, I tell ya what, this gal makes a mean pot of Texas chili. Your people like chili, don't they Barry?"
He can show him the office supply cabinet and remind him that it's all free stuff, therefore great for stocking stuffers.
He can show him the Lincoln bedroom, and whisper that it's not actually the same mattress as Lincoln used.
He can take him down to the basement bowling alley and joke about how Black people don't bowl.
Then, at the end of the tour, Bush can get all serious and hand over his small metal box containing a dozen 3x5 cards.
"You'll need this, Barry. It's got all my secrets for acting presidential."

Sunday, November 09, 2008

Back to Reality

Wow, she's back to wearing her Alaska Walgreen's 3/$20 hoodie and having to carry around that prop grandson of hers.
Don't get me wrong, I ain't never birthed no babies myself, but I've held a lot of them and...aren't you supposed to support their little heads?
Poor, poor Sarah.
Having been exposed as a money-sucking grifter, she's gonna find it more difficult to skim money off the Alaskan taxpayers for incidentals like a stylist, 5 star hotels and couture fashions.
No more crushing paparazzi and daily front page stories in the national press media.
Katie Couric and Charlie Gibson have no more interest in interviewing her, now that she's back to being the Governor of a remote state with a population fewer than Santa Fe.
Now she's back to this:

Sigh. After the homespun "welcome home" display of inexpensive balloons and the little banner in her office are cleaned up and thrown away, she's back to sitting at her desk, beholding the love seat with the taxidermied dead bear draped over it.
It's over, princess.
The Republicans have used you and discarded you like a snotty, mascara-stained tissue.
Back to being Governor of Methlandia. Back to eating moose stew and shopping at the consignment shop. No more stretch limousines, baby, climb back on the back of Todd's snow machine and ride off into Alaska's 23 hours of winter darkness.

Friday, November 07, 2008

Bush Deserves Another Parting Gift
An Open Letter by Karen Zipdrive

Dear President Bush:

After eight years of incredible service to the country, we believe that you're probably very tired and ready to go back to Crawford and relax.
Why, even your dog Barney is tired and it made him cranky enough to bite a reporter yesterday.
We all know President-elect Obama is wasting no time in assembling a staff, so really--it's okay if you go ahead and leave office immediately.
He's got it.
Sure, you're leaving him with quite a few loose ends like the pesky budget crisis, two wars, record deficits and a world that hates us, but it's okay. You did your best, right?
Maybe you can get a jump start on writing your autobiography, huh? While it's true the president of Knoph Books said they'd pass on the project, there are plenty of other publishers out there who'd love to take you on as a new author.
All you have to do is get on the Internets and use teh Google to find some. Ask Jenna, she published a book, didn't she?
Also, there must be piles and piles of brush to clear on the ranch. It'll be even more fun without the paparazzi bugging you while you rev up the chain saw and start to choppin.'
We know you'll probably be putting the ranch up for sale now that you no longer need it to project your cowboy image, so wouldn't it be great to get a jump start on curb appeal?
And counting those bags of cash you'll soon be getting from Halliburton, Pfizer and all the oil companies will take months. Wouldn't you like to get to it now rather than waiting until late January?
It's okay, President Bush.
It's okay to pack up the White House silverware and the throw rugs Miss Beasley peed all over and get going.
Let us know if you need help packing, m'kay?
Seriously. It's time to run along now.