Remember Jose Padilla?
The terrorist who had dirty bomb crumbs all over him?
He turned out to be a Taco Bell worker.
Looks like Attorney Generalissimo John Asscroft screwed up again.
Yes, Padilla talked to Al Qaida operatives, said he wanted to build an atom bomb.
They said, "Jose, why don't you try a dirty bomb first?"
Or at least that's what we were told.
The FBI arrested him and threw him in the brig. No due process, no formal charges, no immediate attorney privileges, just an arrest and confinement on charges he was an "enemy combatant."
I mean, I hate these terrorist bastards, but we still have a constitution with some general guidelines for administering justice to American citizens.
An American citizen cannot be considered an enemy combatant when the country has not formally declared a war. It's just not legal.
Jose Padilla is a stupid, disgruntled Mexican American who got mixed up in things way over his head and intellect when he started talking with his Pakistani-born Taco Bell manager. He may need an ass kicking, but he still has rights as an American.
His detainment has drifted off into recent history, a screw-up Dubya and his cronies would just as soon we forget.
Dubya: the deal was, we wanted bin Laden's head on a stick.
You gave us some dimwit, screwball Taco Bell employee with a chip on his shoulder.
As Dennis Miller described the president and his staff, "Dubya is a hole, surrounded by a donut."
I can't believe people still think Dubya is doing a good job. He's an idiot. And so is John Asscroft.
Thursday, July 04, 2002
Wednesday, July 03, 2002
Errr Now I'm Really Pissed
So, after my abortive attempt to watch TV, I go out to get the mail and my long awaited Amazon.com book had arrived.
After reading Sarah Waters (ugh more waters) excellent book, "Tipping the Velvet," I quickly ordered her book called, "Affinity."
Ripping the box open, I hunkered down, ready to read my way through the holiday.
Wait. What's this?
The bitch uses ampersands instead of spelling out the word 'and' throughout the whole damn book. What kind of writing is this?
I was so distracted by the "&'s" every five words, I decided to go to Burger King and try one of those backyard grillers they keep advertising. They are pretty good, but the buns are surprisingly petite. They look so big on TV, but I guess like they say, buns look bigger on TV.
Maybe after wolfing down some red meat, I'll be calmer and able to handle all those fucking ampersands and read this book. If not, I will probably write an online review at Amazon and blast Ms. Waters for her annoying, slapdash shortcut.
It's not even a nice ampersand, it looks like a script capital E.
Between all the new words like yo and bee-yitch and baby mama and hym and hys and now this ampersand bullshit, it makes me want to become a word vigilante who roams the country, thwacking those who take such grotesque liberties with the language and its punctuation. Buncha idiomaniac bastards!
So, after my abortive attempt to watch TV, I go out to get the mail and my long awaited Amazon.com book had arrived.
After reading Sarah Waters (ugh more waters) excellent book, "Tipping the Velvet," I quickly ordered her book called, "Affinity."
Ripping the box open, I hunkered down, ready to read my way through the holiday.
Wait. What's this?
The bitch uses ampersands instead of spelling out the word 'and' throughout the whole damn book. What kind of writing is this?
I was so distracted by the "&'s" every five words, I decided to go to Burger King and try one of those backyard grillers they keep advertising. They are pretty good, but the buns are surprisingly petite. They look so big on TV, but I guess like they say, buns look bigger on TV.
Maybe after wolfing down some red meat, I'll be calmer and able to handle all those fucking ampersands and read this book. If not, I will probably write an online review at Amazon and blast Ms. Waters for her annoying, slapdash shortcut.
It's not even a nice ampersand, it looks like a script capital E.
Between all the new words like yo and bee-yitch and baby mama and hym and hys and now this ampersand bullshit, it makes me want to become a word vigilante who roams the country, thwacking those who take such grotesque liberties with the language and its punctuation. Buncha idiomaniac bastards!
Rain Coverage, Go Away
These damn local TV stations are still broadcasting nonstop weather crisis news and it hasn't rained a drop today.
I had planned to watch Passions, and all week it's been TV meat puppets in raincoats, standing on bridges with water swooshing by in the background.
All right, already, we get it.
By now, any kid who gets swept away in a storm drain is just asking for it.
Anyone's whose car is stuck in a low water crossing is just too dumb to get it.
Anyone who hasn't adjusted his automatic sprinklers by now needs to be whipped with a garden hose.
So I turn to the Discovery channel and what do I get? A fucking special on tsunamis. Like I need to see more water wreaking havoc.
So I turn to my old standard, the Food Network. And who is it? Emeril Lagasse, again. He must be on TV 12 hours a day. And what's he making? Seafood, which comes from where? The water.
I give up. I'm gonna go outside and grill something.
These damn local TV stations are still broadcasting nonstop weather crisis news and it hasn't rained a drop today.
I had planned to watch Passions, and all week it's been TV meat puppets in raincoats, standing on bridges with water swooshing by in the background.
All right, already, we get it.
By now, any kid who gets swept away in a storm drain is just asking for it.
Anyone's whose car is stuck in a low water crossing is just too dumb to get it.
Anyone who hasn't adjusted his automatic sprinklers by now needs to be whipped with a garden hose.
So I turn to the Discovery channel and what do I get? A fucking special on tsunamis. Like I need to see more water wreaking havoc.
So I turn to my old standard, the Food Network. And who is it? Emeril Lagasse, again. He must be on TV 12 hours a day. And what's he making? Seafood, which comes from where? The water.
I give up. I'm gonna go outside and grill something.
Martha Stewart's Sing Sing Prison Bitch Cookbook
Ironing Board Toasted Cheese Wraps:
• 2 slices thin white bread, trim crusts
• 1 slice faux cheddar processed cheese food
Put cheese between bread.
Between 2 sheets of prison issued writing paper, iron sandwich until cheese is melted.
Serves one.
Holiday Prison Loaf
• 6 slices whole wheat bread, finely chopped
• 4 ounces imitation cheddar cheese, finely grated
• 2 cups dried Great Northern Beans, soaked,
cooked and drained
• 4 tablespoons vegetable oil
• 6 ounces potato flakes, dehydrated
• 6 ounces tomato paste
• 8 ounces powdered skim milk
Mix all ingredients in a 12-quart mixing bowl. Make sure all wet items are drained. Mix until stiff, just moist enough to spread. Form three loaves in glazed bread pans. Place loaf pans in the oven in a bain Marie, to keep the bottom of the loaves from burning. Bake at 325 degrees for approximately 45 minutes. The loaf will start to pull away from the sides of the bread pan when done. It's a good thing that serves 20.
Hearty Winter Breakfast
• Oatmeal
• Water, 8 ounces
Boil water, add oatmeal, stir until soft. Serves one.
Boule de Fromage Frit
• Two slices minced white bread, crusts trimmed
• One slice cheddar processed cheese food, minced
• Water to mix
• 4 Tbs. lard
Roll cheese and bread together into balls, adding water to moisten.
Fry in lard until golden.
Serves 2 as an appetizer, one as an entree
Oeufs Brouillés
• 8 oz powdered eggs
• water to reconstitute
• 4 Tbs. lard
Scramble powdered eggs, cook in lard until done. Serves two.
Oeufs Brouillés au Fromage
• 8 oz powdered eggs
• water to reconstitute
• 4 Tbs. lard
• 1 slice faux cheddar processed cheese food, shredded
Scramble powdered eggs, cook in lard until done. Sprinkle with cheese food. Serves two.
Ironing Board Toasted Cheese Wraps:
• 2 slices thin white bread, trim crusts
• 1 slice faux cheddar processed cheese food
Put cheese between bread.
Between 2 sheets of prison issued writing paper, iron sandwich until cheese is melted.
Serves one.
Holiday Prison Loaf
• 6 slices whole wheat bread, finely chopped
• 4 ounces imitation cheddar cheese, finely grated
• 2 cups dried Great Northern Beans, soaked,
cooked and drained
• 4 tablespoons vegetable oil
• 6 ounces potato flakes, dehydrated
• 6 ounces tomato paste
• 8 ounces powdered skim milk
Mix all ingredients in a 12-quart mixing bowl. Make sure all wet items are drained. Mix until stiff, just moist enough to spread. Form three loaves in glazed bread pans. Place loaf pans in the oven in a bain Marie, to keep the bottom of the loaves from burning. Bake at 325 degrees for approximately 45 minutes. The loaf will start to pull away from the sides of the bread pan when done. It's a good thing that serves 20.
Hearty Winter Breakfast
• Oatmeal
• Water, 8 ounces
Boil water, add oatmeal, stir until soft. Serves one.
Boule de Fromage Frit
• Two slices minced white bread, crusts trimmed
• One slice cheddar processed cheese food, minced
• Water to mix
• 4 Tbs. lard
Roll cheese and bread together into balls, adding water to moisten.
Fry in lard until golden.
Serves 2 as an appetizer, one as an entree
Oeufs Brouillés
• 8 oz powdered eggs
• water to reconstitute
• 4 Tbs. lard
Scramble powdered eggs, cook in lard until done. Serves two.
Oeufs Brouillés au Fromage
• 8 oz powdered eggs
• water to reconstitute
• 4 Tbs. lard
• 1 slice faux cheddar processed cheese food, shredded
Scramble powdered eggs, cook in lard until done. Sprinkle with cheese food. Serves two.
Tuesday, July 02, 2002
Coming Soon to Pulp Friction:
Martha Stewart's Sing Sing Prison Bitch Cookbook!
Mouth watering, minimalist recipes to set the spirit free.
"I didn't think I'd like them, but Martha's Ironing Board Toasted Cheese Bread Wraps were really pretty good."--Robert Blake
"Her Thai Creamed Corn Patties rock!"--Winona Rider
Martha Stewart's Sing Sing Prison Bitch Cookbook!
Mouth watering, minimalist recipes to set the spirit free.
"I didn't think I'd like them, but Martha's Ironing Board Toasted Cheese Bread Wraps were really pretty good."--Robert Blake
"Her Thai Creamed Corn Patties rock!"--Winona Rider
Surf's Up!
Damn. San Antonio and the surrounding areas are so flooded, people are leaving work early, millions of streets are closed and it's seriously nasty out there.
Yesterday we got nine inches of rain. More expected today.
I recently got some of those fancy tires that are supposed to be good in rain, and man they are, I was doing all kinds of trick maneuvers out there today and stayed steady as a rock.
The thunder last night was so bad I still can't find my 45-pound kitten James. Of course I haven't actually bent over to look under the bed. He was around for breakfast, so he's okay, just hiding, the little pussy.
Damn. San Antonio and the surrounding areas are so flooded, people are leaving work early, millions of streets are closed and it's seriously nasty out there.
Yesterday we got nine inches of rain. More expected today.
I recently got some of those fancy tires that are supposed to be good in rain, and man they are, I was doing all kinds of trick maneuvers out there today and stayed steady as a rock.
The thunder last night was so bad I still can't find my 45-pound kitten James. Of course I haven't actually bent over to look under the bed. He was around for breakfast, so he's okay, just hiding, the little pussy.
Monday, July 01, 2002
Mega Rant
Raven over at "Look Into My..." can take a rant break today because I have a rant that'll make her seem like Mother Theresa.
First of all, it's been raining so hard it's flooding all over the entire county. Roads are washed over, my lawn is like a rice paddy and it's dark outside like it's 10 p.m.
So, of course, I had a second mammography appointment scheduled today, after the doctor saw "something suspicious" in Lefty two weeks ago.
So I slog through 3 inches of rain-per-hour to the hospital, go in, present Lefty to the mammo matron, and she decides to squeeze it so hard I looked like Pamela Anderson, at least from the top view.
After three poses and way too much squeezing, she tells me to stay in my gown until the doc gets to look at my new mammos.
So, I go out to the waiting room and sit next to an old lady who's partially deaf, and talks to me REAL LOUD about her one-breast mastectomy and her lung cancer on the other side of her torso. Oy, I was cringing.
I was expecting the mammo matron to come out and say, "Okay, Karen you can go."
Instead, another staff comes out and asks me to come with her.
She asked how I was and I said, "You tell me."
So she tells me I need an immediate ultrasound. I would have felt immediately doomed, except she was gorgeous, had a soft Dublin brogue, eyes of Windex blue and gorgeous chestnut colored hair.
Even her Gaelic babealiciousness could not brighten what happened next, however.
The radiologists doing the ultrasound were doing a lot of hmms and rubbing their chins when they scoped out the mass in Lefty.
Six months ago, my mammo showed a little H shaped squiggle. Now it shows a little hand shaped squiggle with the fingers longer than they should be.
So now I have to have a fucking biopsy in two weeks.
I had uterine cancer last year and solved that by having a radical hysterectomy. No chemo, no radiation, just snip, clip and cure.
Trouble is, once you have cancer, it's hard not to wonder if it'll ever be back.
So now I am pissed off at Lefty, wondering what she thinks she's doing making me worry like this. It may be nothing, of course. But, being almost Jewish in temperament, it could be something BAD.
If I have cancer again, I am going to be one cranky bitch.
The moral:
Get your mammos scheduled, ladies.
Get your prostate exams scheduled, gentlemen.
Cancer is the rudest, most intrusive, harpy fucking bitch ever.
I know I can kick her ass, I just don't want to keep having to prove it.
Raven over at "Look Into My..." can take a rant break today because I have a rant that'll make her seem like Mother Theresa.
First of all, it's been raining so hard it's flooding all over the entire county. Roads are washed over, my lawn is like a rice paddy and it's dark outside like it's 10 p.m.
So, of course, I had a second mammography appointment scheduled today, after the doctor saw "something suspicious" in Lefty two weeks ago.
So I slog through 3 inches of rain-per-hour to the hospital, go in, present Lefty to the mammo matron, and she decides to squeeze it so hard I looked like Pamela Anderson, at least from the top view.
After three poses and way too much squeezing, she tells me to stay in my gown until the doc gets to look at my new mammos.
So, I go out to the waiting room and sit next to an old lady who's partially deaf, and talks to me REAL LOUD about her one-breast mastectomy and her lung cancer on the other side of her torso. Oy, I was cringing.
I was expecting the mammo matron to come out and say, "Okay, Karen you can go."
Instead, another staff comes out and asks me to come with her.
She asked how I was and I said, "You tell me."
So she tells me I need an immediate ultrasound. I would have felt immediately doomed, except she was gorgeous, had a soft Dublin brogue, eyes of Windex blue and gorgeous chestnut colored hair.
Even her Gaelic babealiciousness could not brighten what happened next, however.
The radiologists doing the ultrasound were doing a lot of hmms and rubbing their chins when they scoped out the mass in Lefty.
Six months ago, my mammo showed a little H shaped squiggle. Now it shows a little hand shaped squiggle with the fingers longer than they should be.
So now I have to have a fucking biopsy in two weeks.
I had uterine cancer last year and solved that by having a radical hysterectomy. No chemo, no radiation, just snip, clip and cure.
Trouble is, once you have cancer, it's hard not to wonder if it'll ever be back.
So now I am pissed off at Lefty, wondering what she thinks she's doing making me worry like this. It may be nothing, of course. But, being almost Jewish in temperament, it could be something BAD.
If I have cancer again, I am going to be one cranky bitch.
The moral:
Get your mammos scheduled, ladies.
Get your prostate exams scheduled, gentlemen.
Cancer is the rudest, most intrusive, harpy fucking bitch ever.
I know I can kick her ass, I just don't want to keep having to prove it.
This Made My Otherwise Horrid Day
It seems Pulp Friction was named Blog of the Day at shrednow.com.
Here's what those brilliant souls said:
"wonderfully funny, karen 'zip drive' has a great way with words-its as if she commands them to work a magic all their own, and they listen and obey!"
While modesty is always a virtue, nothing is more fun than making Crazy Tracy's competitive streak go wiggy. So brag I must. :)
It seems Pulp Friction was named Blog of the Day at shrednow.com.
Here's what those brilliant souls said:
"wonderfully funny, karen 'zip drive' has a great way with words-its as if she commands them to work a magic all their own, and they listen and obey!"
While modesty is always a virtue, nothing is more fun than making Crazy Tracy's competitive streak go wiggy. So brag I must. :)
Type Casting
"Actress" Anne Heche is slated to replace Jennifer Jason Leigh in the Broadway play "Proof," which is about a crazy woman with a crazy father. This should be a real stretch for the thespian formerly known as Celestia.
What Would Ann Say?
Ann Landers daughter Margo has been bickering with her cousin Jeanne Phillips (who now writes the "Dear Abby" column) because she thinks Jeanne is cashing in on her mother's death by talking about her grief for her dead aunt in her column.
Jesus, girls, 20 lashes with a wet PC cable for all this public kvetching.
Go, Rosie, Go!
Since Rosie O'Donnell has quit doing her show, she's actually funny again. I am so happy about this. That queen of nice routine was sickening.
From E! Online:
Yes, Rosie has snapped.
Boston and New York newspapers have published some jaw-dropping snippets from O'Donnell's weekend performance during a star-studded party at the Mohegan Sun casino in Uncasville, Connecticut.
Just a day after Bill Clinton showed up at the casino to receive an honor (and then broke out his saxophone for a performance), the Democrat O'Donnell dissed the ex-President and said she refused to speak to him.
"He disgusts me," she told the crowd, according to the New York Post. "And I know I'm not supposed to say this because I'm a good Democrat, but I didn't want to talk to him because he lied to me when he said, 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman,' and then put the scarlet-letter blow job on her for the rest of her life...I hate you."
According to the New York Daily News, she also said that when she was at Liza Minnelli's wedding (which she called "the gayest thing since my last show"), she refused to talk to Michael Jackson because "I make it a rule not to speak to pedophiles."
When the audience gasped, O'Donnell said, "Oh, come on. I think you all know that kid was probably telling the truth or else Michael wouldn't have paid him off...he's a freak...and not in a nice way."
Of course, she didn't stop there, either. "He's cream-colored and has no nasal passages whatsoever. He doesn't look human.
Did he look into the mirror one day and say, 'Perfect?' "
Also a target for Rosie rage: Sharon Stone, whom O'Donnell said missed the Mohegan Sun bash because she was prepping for her next movie role--in 2004. She also ridiculed Stone for once reciting the words to John Lennon's "Imagine" during a bizarro speech at an AIDS fundraiser.
O'Donnell then ripped into Anne Heche for claiming she was never really gay, and Oprah Winfrey, who was too busy at "home counting her money" to make an appearance on the Rosie O'Donnell Show.
"Actress" Anne Heche is slated to replace Jennifer Jason Leigh in the Broadway play "Proof," which is about a crazy woman with a crazy father. This should be a real stretch for the thespian formerly known as Celestia.
What Would Ann Say?
Ann Landers daughter Margo has been bickering with her cousin Jeanne Phillips (who now writes the "Dear Abby" column) because she thinks Jeanne is cashing in on her mother's death by talking about her grief for her dead aunt in her column.
Jesus, girls, 20 lashes with a wet PC cable for all this public kvetching.
Go, Rosie, Go!
Since Rosie O'Donnell has quit doing her show, she's actually funny again. I am so happy about this. That queen of nice routine was sickening.
From E! Online:
Yes, Rosie has snapped.
Boston and New York newspapers have published some jaw-dropping snippets from O'Donnell's weekend performance during a star-studded party at the Mohegan Sun casino in Uncasville, Connecticut.
Just a day after Bill Clinton showed up at the casino to receive an honor (and then broke out his saxophone for a performance), the Democrat O'Donnell dissed the ex-President and said she refused to speak to him.
"He disgusts me," she told the crowd, according to the New York Post. "And I know I'm not supposed to say this because I'm a good Democrat, but I didn't want to talk to him because he lied to me when he said, 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman,' and then put the scarlet-letter blow job on her for the rest of her life...I hate you."
According to the New York Daily News, she also said that when she was at Liza Minnelli's wedding (which she called "the gayest thing since my last show"), she refused to talk to Michael Jackson because "I make it a rule not to speak to pedophiles."
When the audience gasped, O'Donnell said, "Oh, come on. I think you all know that kid was probably telling the truth or else Michael wouldn't have paid him off...he's a freak...and not in a nice way."
Of course, she didn't stop there, either. "He's cream-colored and has no nasal passages whatsoever. He doesn't look human.
Did he look into the mirror one day and say, 'Perfect?' "
Also a target for Rosie rage: Sharon Stone, whom O'Donnell said missed the Mohegan Sun bash because she was prepping for her next movie role--in 2004. She also ridiculed Stone for once reciting the words to John Lennon's "Imagine" during a bizarro speech at an AIDS fundraiser.
O'Donnell then ripped into Anne Heche for claiming she was never really gay, and Oprah Winfrey, who was too busy at "home counting her money" to make an appearance on the Rosie O'Donnell Show.
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