Happy New Year to All Y'all

2004 hasn't been my favorite year.
This year, I fell out of love, lost my biggest client, and watched a slim majority of American voters prove they were either total imbeciles, or just not paying attention.
I got a cell phone in 2004, something I had promised myself I would never do.
I finally got my own magazine column in September and the response had been great. Then I heard this month the new magazine hadn't met it's projected ad revenues and was ceasing publication next month.
2005 promises to be a far better year.
I have started illustrating a children's book for this cool faggot out of Oregon. He likes my art and I like his writing.
I've been hired to ghostwrite a novel for a psychic who works with police to catch criminals.
Someone I met recently wants to hire me to do custom trim painting on homes she renovates.
Another magazine has hired me to do articles on local happenings.
The chairman of the local Stonewall Democrats has invited me to join his crew of pissed off, queer Democrats.

Tonight I am attending the grand closing of the Candlelight Coffee House, a hangout I have considered my own for 10 years. The owners have sold it to a couple of gay guys, so I hope they keep it the same.
Then there's a party a few blocks from my house, where I'll probably finish out the evening.

Yep. I am planning to have a sensational 2005.
Hope you do, too.
What are your plans for tonight?

Hey, I know! Let's Put on a Show, Everybody!

I received an interesting e-mail today, urging a total boycott on consumer spending the day of Bush's inauguration.
With some minimal preplanning, I could last a whole day without spending a cent, couldn't you?
What do you think?

Wahhh, Lennie Brisco is Dead

I heard on the news actor Jerry Orbach died today of prostate cancer. He was the saggy-faced, wise cracking detective on Law and Order.
I didn't like him much when I first started watching L&O, but his character grew on me.
Too bad he couldn't hold out a few more days and get to another year.
This was sort of a banner year for celebrity deaths.
Just offhand, I can think of Ronald Reagan, Rodney Dangerfield, Fay Wray, Christopher Reeve, Julia Child, Rick James, Marlon Brando, Ray Charles, Weezie Jefferson, Tony Randall, Spaulding Gray, Captain Kangaroo... and now Jerry Orbach.
:(

Happy Kwanzaa

Okay, call me a skeptical old geezer, but I started looking into this holiday recently when I realized I hadn't heard a thing about it when I was little.
It turns out it's relatively new, thought up by a cat named Dr. Maulana Karenga back in 1966. Based on African culture, the holiday's origin centers on the Zulu first-fruit celebration, which is supposed to last a week and occurs as one year ends and another begins.
Kwanzaa has caught on all over the world, according to Karenga, but I can't say I know anyone who actually celebrates it.
All the African Americans I know are Christians, so I have never seen Kwanzaa celebrated. I wonder, do they get presents? What's the dinner like?
Before I accept it as a legitimate winter holiday, I'm going to first have to know if there's anything good to eat. If there's not, then I say Kwanzaa, Shmanzaa.
If anyone has any direct experience with this holiday, please enlighten me. I don't care about the history or the details, I just want the 4-1-1 on any food and presents the holiday includes.

To All My Lovely Friends Out There
(Just pretend like you can hear Judy Garland singing this to you in a slightly gin-soaked slur)

Have yourself a merry little Christmas.
Let your heart be light,
From now on our troubles
Will be out of sight.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Make the Yule-tide gay,
From now on our troubles
Will be miles away.

Here we are as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore,
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more.

Through the years
We all will be together
If the Fates allow,
Hang a shining star
On the highest bough,

And have yourself
A merry little Christmas now.

Martha Stewart's Christmas Letter


Dear Friends,
When one is incarcerated with 1,200 other odoriferous inmates, it is hard to be selfish at Christmas -- hard to think of Christmases past and Christmases future while smelling something akin to a melange of kerosene, mildew and mackerel.
So many of the women here in Alderson will never have the joy and well-being that a few of you and I experience. Many of them have been here for years -- devoid of care, devoid of love, devoid of family and devoid of even basic grooming acumen.
I beseech you all to think about these women -- to encourage the American people to ask for reforms, in sentencing guidelines, in decent toiletries, in length of incarceration for nonviolent first-time offenders, and for those involved in drug-taking who deign not to share.
They would be much better served in a true rehabilitation center than in prison where there is no culinary esthetic, no cultural stimulation, no real programs to rehabilitate, no programs to educate and no wardrobe or coiffure guidance to be prepared for life "out there" where each person will ultimately find herself, many with no skills, no table manners, no artiness and no preparation for living a life of good taste.
I am fine, really. I look forward to being home, to getting back to my valuable real estate and servants, to creating, cooking, and making television.
I have had time to think, time to write, time to exercise, time to not eat the hideously bad food, and time to walk and contemplate the future.
I've had my work here too. I have been washing, scrubbing, sweeping, vacuuming, raking leaves, decoupaging, throwing pottery, batiking, petit pointing, garnishing, sculpting, free basing and much more.
But like everyone else here, I would rather be doing all of this in my own home, and not here -- around these unkempt, felonious vulgarians of dubious sexual orientation.
I want to thank you again, and again, for your support and encouragement. You have been so terrific to me and to everyone who stood by me.
I appreciate everything you have done, your emails, your letters, the small packets of Valium and cocaine and your kind, kind words.
Now, if someone could kindly send me some eau de vie, a silk eye shade, some Egyptian cotton linens in 600-thread count or more, a few springs of fresh lavender, a bottle of Nutrisse Garnier in Summery Maize and an iPod filled with Andrea Bochelli, Wagnerian opera, YoYo Ma and other stimulating musical interludes, my holidays will be more serene.
Happy holidays,


Martha Stewart
55170-054

What Was I Thinking?

I broke down and made Christmas cookies last night.
I used one of those cool spritz guns that works like a caulking gun, and I made two kinds of butter cookies.
One kind are sprinkled with jewel toned sugar crystals and the others are filled with spots of cranberry chutney in the center.
I intend to get rid of them asap, but I have succumbed to a few hastily wolfed down cookies under the guise of 'quality control.'
As a diabetic, I am no longer used to sugar, so the few cookies I scarfed down have amped me up like a crack ho. I'll have to work out for a solid hour to get back to normal.
I am getting very eager for Christmas Day to arrive.
It's not because I am such a happy little elf, it's more because my house is all sparkly clean and I'm not sure I can sustain such pristine conditions for four more days.
Maybe the buzz from the sugar in the cookies will help me stay manic enough to keep the clutter at bay. Or maybe I should just nap a lot until Saturday and stay out of mess-making trouble.

Terrific Apple Cake Recipe

My mom used to make this when I was a kid. Now that she's slightly senile, she doesn't bake anymore and she doesn't remember most people's names, much less recipes.
I thought the recipe had been lost forever until I discovered it recently, lodged in the very back of my recipe box.
I'm making one of these for Christmas dinner. It's what fruitcake wanted to be like, but failed.
If you bake one, you might want to marry me for giving you the recipe, it's so good.

Karen's Mom's Apple Cake Recipe

3 cups of flour
2 cups of sugar
4 cups cubed, unpeeled apples (I use green Granny Smiths)
1 cup of vegetable oil
1 cup of coarsely chopped nuts (I use pecans)
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1.5 tsps. cinnamon
3 eggs

Mix it all together in a bowl then transfer to a greased baking pan, dusted with flour.
Bake at 350F for about 50 minutes.

You're welcome.

Oy Vey, More Holiday Joy

I heard someone once describe the Christmas holidays as, "a time we leave our loved ones to be with our families."
I had decided on a simple, stress-free Christmas this year, just cooking a nice dinner and exchanging presents that day for my mom, siblings, their significant others and my best friend Anna.
My brother was here last week, and we decided we'd all meet dinner here at my house on Christmas Day. I sent an elaborate e-mail invitation to everyone.
My oldest sister in Austin decided to mix it up.
First, on behalf of everyone she canceled my dinner on Christmas Day and opted instead that we all meet for dinner at a local restaurant here in San Antonio today.
I said okay.
Then she read the menu in the e-mail invitation I'd sent and asked if I'd still cook dinner on the 25th after all.
I said okay. I'd planned to anyway.
Then my brother said he and his wife couldn't make it here on the 25th.
I said okay.
Then my Mom's sinuses got infected so my sister canceled the dinner today.
I said okay.
In the past, all these switcharoos would have driven me past the point of insanity.
But I realize now this is how my family operates.
They mow down plans each other makes without discussing it, then they reschedule new plans, then cancel them, they decline invitations, then ask to be reinvited.
I realize now the trick is to make my own plans and stick to them, regardless of who does or doesn't show up. I know Anna will be here, because she's like me- she likes to make a simple plan and stick to it.
I just hope she's flexible enough to help me eat a 6-pound standing rib roast on Christmas Day--just in case my flaky family pulls another 180º on me.
Christmas with my family makes a good case for converting to Judaism...but then they'd goof up those holidays, so what's a girl to do?

Ahh! 'Tis the Season of Regifting

We all do it.
Once we shop retail for Christmas gifts for our most significant relatives and friends, we begin to consider the second tier of people in our lives- those who warrant a Regift.
A regift, of course, is something we got as a gift we either strongly dislike, or have no hope of ever using.
I have a pile of them on hand for emergencies.
They include:
-An ecru lace tablecloth
-A decorative framed picture of a cat's face, done by someone I suspect was on acid at the time
-A wine opener that weighs 5 pounds and cut my finger the only time I tried to use it, not to mention it forcing the cork into the bottle instead of extracting it (sorry, Cris)
-A Chinese style glass lantern with dried flowers fused to the glass, designed to hold a tea candle
-A burlwood ink pot/bud vase
-An assortment of brooches and pins I'd rather die than wear
-Several items of clothing in sizes fit for the cast of The Biggest Loser
-Books I bought at Half-Price Bookstore that I don't want after all
-Assorted home decor bric-a-brac items that have nothing to do with my home decor, including a vast array of decorative boxes with nothing in them
-A handful of truly horrible CDs
-A videotape rewinder
-A clock with birds on it that cheeps on the hour
-A clock with cats on it that meows on the hour
-Silver candlesticks that only fit those hard-to-find super slim tapers
-Candles that are so decorative, it would be a venial sin to light them
-A hand-held, battery operated devise that cusses when a button is pushed
-And much, much more.
Now the task of assigning which regift to which person comes in.
What I might do is just wrap a few of them and throw them in my car trunk for those social events where someone I didn't expect a gift from gives me one.
I'll just say, "Wow, thank you! Let me go get your gift from my car."
Then I can watch with glee as they open it and express the same feigned delight as I did when I opened it the first time.
Okay, okay, maybe I am a chicken shit cheapskate for doing this.
But remember, it's the thought that counts. :)

Tell us what regifts you have stashed away.