Larry Craig Confesses!

"Dear Americans and especially Idahoans,

I am sorry to admit that I intentionally obfuscated the facts about the unfortunate incident that occurred recently in a Minneapolis airport toilet. I did so because of a very personal issue that causes me a great deal of shame.
Yes, I do take a wide stance while defecating.
Why?
Because I have to spread my cheeks this far (see photo) so the painful, swollen hemorrhoidal tissue surrounding my anus is cleared away enough for me to have a proper bowel movement.
So there you have it.
For the love of Pete*, I'm not a naughty, nasty, bad boy like Bill Clinton--I'm just a normal, red blooded heterosexual from Idaho who'd rather have to strain to move my bowels than give up eating those delicious Idaho spuds packed with cheese made from All-American Idaho cow's milk.
Now, the left-wing lunatic fringe is even claiming I adopted my lovely wife Suzanne's three children from her previous marriage because I'm not heterosexual enough to impregnate her myself! How outrageous to claim that a board member of the National Rifle Association such as myself who can handle the longest, hardest rifle yet can't pull my trigger into such a lovely wife as my Suzanne!
Again, I am not gay, have never been gay and if I was gay I'd not be gay in public toilets. Or anywhere.
No, really, I'm not gay.


*Pete is not a real person and if he was I wouldn't love him except in the same Christian way that a man loves his fellow Christian man.

Str8 WM seeks discrete GWM...

For tearoom pleasure.
I'm not gay, but I sure like cock!
Will travel 2bw/u.
Call Spud at 202-224-2752.

Adios, You Miserable MoFo

Finally! Bush's swishy Tio Tomas Attorney General has resigned.
How I loathe guys like him who are knee-deep here in South Texas.
No, not because he's Hispanic. Not because his caustic TexMex accent grates on my nerves like a jackhammer during nap time. Not because his hair looks like he slept all night in a tight hairnet.
It's because his arrogance, ignorance and selling out to The Man combine to make me want to punch him as hard as I can right in the face.
Brilliant comedian Carlos Mencia might refer to Gonzales as a "beaner made good."
Sure, it's a racist thing to say, but being half beaner myself, I know beaners.
Okay, okay, ease up.
I won't call him a beaner, instead I'll call him a Muppie. That's a Mexican Yuppie.
Want some evidence? Okay, he's been married twice-- first to Diane Clemens and now to Rebecca Turner.
Muppies always want to marry Anglos so they can have kids who don't reflect their self loathing, internalized racism.
Second, Muppies suck up to the white patriarchy by any means possible.
To have a Hispanic Texas man sacrifice all that is holy by sucking the lily white dick of George W. Bush in order to distance himself from his wetback family history is a disgrace.
To have a Hispanic Texas man turn out to be a Republican is a slap in the face to anyone with even one drop of Latino blood.
To have a Hispanic Texas man lie and cheat and ramrod the United States Constitution and the people of America in order to do Bush's shameless, partisan bidding is unforgivable.
Sure, I can be a dutiful reporter and rehash the disgraceful legal maneuvering he perpetrated against the American taxpayers on behalf of Bush, but we all know it by heart.
Like Bush, Gonzales is just one more gutless Neo-con liars who'll fuck anyone to get ahead.
So goodbye, you miserable Muppie prick. And good riddance.

The Latest Wrinkle

Hmm. I think someone got back to the DWP and told her I was about to bail out because of her.
She continues to be nice and has treated me like a professional all week.
There was a letter of praise for my performance from a very heavy hitter in our community that came in today's mail. DWP wanted me to reprint it in the magazine.
I told her absolutely not-- journalists should NEVER give the impression of self aggrandizement. She insisted. I said, "Sorry, it ain't gonna happen."
She said she'd kick the idea upstairs. I said it still ain't gonna happen.
Last night at the "big event," she saw a lot of VIP types hugging me and beaming when they saw me. I can't help it, I'm sort of charming when I want to be.
I think she might realize that running me off would reflect poorly on her.
Today I feel very pleased with her change of attitude. But I'm not an idiot and I have no plans to drop my guard. I'm just praying this streak holds up.
Here's a pic of my beloved cat James. It has nothing to do with this posting, he's just a darling boy and he deserves some publicity.

The DWP: Trying a New Tactic

My boss, the Devil Wears Payless, has been peaches and cream sweet all week. I know she's up to something.
She's got an event I'm covering tomorrow night; maybe it's as simple as her wanting lots of flattering photos taken.
She sent me to cover a horrid thing this evening, sponsored by a notoriously homophobic funeral director. It was a presentation of a new electronic death reporting system. Only 10 people showed up.
The site was the oldest, honkiest country club in town. Downstairs in the main dining salon were the members, ladies in silver blue hair styled like Ann Landers and elderly gentlemen with elegantly tailored slacks draping their paunches (as well as can be expected. All the staff was black, dressed in starchy white uniforms and steppin' and fetchin' like they were in a 1930s movie.
I wasn't about to stay for the whole event. I took two pictures, pocketed a few business cards and headed for the buffet, where I grabbed two enchiladas verdes, a little pile of fajitas, a wad of guacamole and a little salad.
I sat with a very cute medical practice manager and an adorable young doctorette- fresh out of residency. I regaled them with funny stories, then split the second the speaker took the dais.
The DWP may not be especially mean this week, but I'm still suspicious. Her fashion accessory tonight is a doggy toy shaped like a shoe. Bitches love chew toys and these are from Jimmy Chew. $14.

Bosswear from Walmart Couture

I love to play a game called, "How much would you take to wear this to work every day for a week?"
My boss, "The Devil Wears Payless" dresses up every day in suits that look all right at first glance, but on closer inspection you can tell they are purchased on sale from places like Cookie's Discount Fashion Corral.
I decided to browse through Walmart's new collection of "higher end" womenswear and pick out something The Devil might like.
This fresh new suiting option is by George and it's called, "Women's Bedford Cord Blazer." On sale for only $14 (it originally retailed at $19.82), it's a versatile, seersucker-like salute to the sweltering summer heat of South Texas. And please note the detailing: oversized buttons, a kicky fob pocket with a matching button, black grosgrain accented flap pockets and 3/4 length, button tabbed sleeves for "getting down to business."

The Footwear I'd Like to Stick Up Someone's* Ass

From Payless, this $19.99 beauty would be lovely for The Devil Wears Payless's* tight ass.
From the faux leather in metallic gold to the double buckle ankle straps and the pointy heel and toe, this shoe screams low budget luxury for the Lady Lucifer in every office.

The Saga Continues

My boss, whom I am now calling, "The Devil Wears Payless" has doubled her efforts at passive aggressive torture. Now she's combined The Condescending Tone with a myriad of time wasting assignments I'm sure are designed to make me slip my publication deadlines, which she insists must improve.
Last night, I attended a bachelorette party for a friend at work, and one of the guests used to work for The Devil before she quit to take a job in Sanity Land. She was one of those chunky Hispanic women with the Sharpie-drawn eyebrows and the dark lipliner, and I could tell by looking at her she takes no shit from anyone.
She said, "Oh yeah, by the time I left my file was 8 inches thick."
She regaled me with funny stories and imitations that left me feeling complete solidarity with her.
I have no file yet- The Devil has carped at me about many minor things, yet none have risen to the written reprimand stage.
But I have made a decision to go on the offensive.
I plan to go to the CEO and let him know that I can't continue being supervised by The Devil, and unless a change is made I'll be forced to seek my professional joy elsewhere.
As for her, next time she takes that tone with me, I plan to remind her that I am a professional, I am 10 years her senior, and that I will no longer tolerate her condescending tone. Then I will send her an e-mail recap of that reminder, print it and start a file ON HER.
I sort of long for the days when I could march up to a jerk-off boss, tell them to go fuck themselves and walk out the door. Alas, I love my job and my coworkers and I'd like not to leave.
I just ain't gonna work on Maggie's farm no more.*


*Thanks, Bob Dylan

An Offense to Almost* Every Texan

The recipe is simple: take the baggy skin from an elderly python, make the toes too long and the stovepipe too short, the heel too horsey and embellish with silly metallic threads and bumpy leather applique, then charge idiots $457.99 for them.
By Jo Ghost, these hideous boots look like they'd be at home at a Renaissance Faire in Waco. If her fat calves could fit in them, Crazy Eyes Bush* would pair these with one of her lumpy pastel pantsuits from JC Penney and wear them to Jenna's wedding.

What's Pink, Black and Monsterous?

Hey, I like comfy shoes as much as the next dyke, but these disfigured clodhoppers by Circa defy the concept of ugly. For $59.99, you too can wear the equivalent of humpback whales on your dainty hooves. And if that's not enough, the pirate decor is sure to scare the crap out of even the sturdiest little children.
Hey! Jenna Bush is engaged! Can you say, "Honeymoon Shoes"?