Farewell, Sweet Bettie




Legendary Texas political powerhouse Bettie Naylor passed away last night peacefully in her sleep.
Bettie was a powerhouse lobbyist in Texas for many years, advocating for gays, women and the adult film industry.
A friend of both Democrats and reasonable Republicans, Bettie's charisma, chutzpah and huge personality allowed her to make a gigantic impact in the Texas legislature, helping legislators see the light and pass laws more favorable to women, gays and lesbians and other disenfranchised groups.
Her accomplishments were too numerable to list, and her friends included Ann Richards, Betty DeGeneres, Lily Tomlin, Phyllis Diller, Bob Bullock, and a million others.
Bettie helped found the Human Rights Campaign, America's largest gay and lesbian lobby.
Professional accolades aside, Bettie was the mother of my sister's partner of 25 years, Sharron. I always referred to her as my sister's "lover-in-law."
Family occasions usually included Bettie, who always livened up the day with hilarious stories and insider information on Texas politics.
She leaves behind her partner Libby Skyora, whom she called the love of her life.
She also leaves behind so many people whose lives she touched and loved her dearly.
Rest in peace, sweet lady. I love you, girl.

Sorry, Mitts, But You've Been Punked.



What's the first word you think of when you hear the name Dan Quayle?
Potatoe.
Now, thanks to one of Mitt Romney's dimwitted political staffers, the Etch-a-Sketch will forever be associated with Romney's shallow, wishy washy political ideology.
We liberals don't like admitting that Romney was a very moderate, sometimes even liberal governor of Massachusetts. But behind closed doors, we wink and nod and say that he's faking being such a hard-line conservative just to get the GOP nomination, and God forbid if he becomes president, all that ultra conservative bullshit will disappear, much like a slightly shaken Etch-a-Sketch.
As for the Etch-a-Sketch itself, we Americans have gotten so dumbed-down we need our political imagery to be simple.
Mitt Romney's politics are flip floppy. Like an Etch-a-Sketch, they can change with very slight prompting. OH, I GET IT NOW.
Watch and see, once the race begins and it's Obama versus Romney, the Democrats will be purchasing and distributing Mini Etch-a-Sketches like campaign buttons.
Though it's hard to believe that a simple child's toy like this can bring down a presidential candidate but like Quayle's potatoe, the deed has been done.

The GOP Primary Comedy Tour



One thing you can say about the GOP primary, the slate of candidates have managed to make each other look as insane and smarmy as any Democratic strategist could have done.
I maintain that the GOP intentionally fielded this slate of zealots, creeps and losers so Obama could win a second term.
Why? Because the budget, though improved a respectable amount, is still fucked up and the Republicans want to wait until the Democratic incumbent restores it so they can come in four years later to loot and plunder it once again.
Why else would the GOP permit the likes of Rick Perry, Michele Bachmann and Ron Paul to enter the race?
Does anyone reading this sincerely believe that the presumptive winner Mitts Romney was truly the best candidate they could field?
Seriously, the GOP thinks the Bain Capital guy who belongs to a religious cult and has secret bank accounts in the Cayman Islands and Switzerland is the creme de la creme?
All Barack Obama has to do to sail to victory is to play excerpts from the 1,001 GOP debates and let the voters review The Creep Show for themselves.
This all would be hilarious if only the truth was not so ugly and frightening.
To think that a slimy, corpulent reptile like Newt Gingrich was even allowed to enter the primaries after his reprehensible political history shows us that the party of All American Family Values is anything but that.
How embarrassing it must be to be a Republican these days.
You'd think after foisting off Bush and Dick on the American public for eight years, they'd want to restore a semblance of respectability by running a credible primary.
Tell me in the comments, if you had to vote for anyone who was in this GOP primary, who would you choose? No fair saying nobody, you have to select one.
Good luck.

Why Santorum Failed to Pull It Off, or Out as the Case May Be



Santorum, noun: sanTORum
The sometimes frothy, usually slimy amalgam of lubricant, stray fecal matter and ejaculate that leaks out of the receiving partner's anus after a session of anal intercourse.

The moral of the story: never upset gay men who know how to achieve maximum Google exposure.
I know it's been used to death, but like a good Village People song, some words never get tiring to hear.

Adios, mofo.

Why They Lost

The Secret Diary of Mitt Romney



Golly gee, who'd a thunk that Catholic guy Dick Santorium in the sweater vests would have gotten as close as he did?
And Newt, with his three wives--and I don't mean simultaneous marriages, either, I mean wear one out and get another! Such a sinner!
People may snigger at the LDS way, making fun of our magic undergarments and such, but by golly gee whillikers, I guess we showed 'em in Arizona and Michigan.
And by golly, to heck with the naysayers, what's wrong with Mrs. Romney and I having a little money saved up?
Some say I should be ashamed that I worked hard for Bain Capital and received only a few thousand dollars an hour for my expertise. Some even think it wrong that I spread my money into Swiss and Cayman bank accounts. Why, doesn't everyone do that?
I am raring to go against Hussein Obama, you can be darn tootin' of that.
I think all good Americans know his Socialist Kenyan roots mean only one thing-Muslim.
But of course I don't plan to negatively campaign against him. I'm sure folks just take a look at the missus and me and see Ward and June Cleaver, and they look at the Obamas and see H. Rap Brown and his wife Angela Davis.
Is that the America we grew up in? For gosh sakes, no.
Look, the Good Lord will tell you I'm a humble man of humble origins.
I had to work hard for every cent my father bequeathed me, and I'm not ashamed to roll up my sleeves and watch that money grow, untaxed in Switzerland and the Caymans like the Good Lord intended.
Yesirree, I think once the wonderful American people take a look at the two candidates, things will be as clear as black and white.
In fact, once the LDS leader spoke to God, he realized that yes, even those people should be allowed in most LDS temples. Sure, maybe not The Big One in Salt Lake City, but these things take time.
Let's give the American voters credit.
They gave the negro a fair chance and he's just not the right kind of president.
You and I know it, diary, we just have to keep that on the QT until I am sworn in.
I know just what to do with the economy. You bet I do.

WTF?



Like with Amy Winehouse, I feel shocked but not not surprised that Whitney Houston died today at age 48.
I can't imagine being born into a family of singing legends, then becoming a talent who outshined them all, only to squander it all in a haze of crack smoke.
This performance occurred only two days, ago and you can hear that the instrument she was given was irreparably damaged.
I think the coroner will probably say she died from a drug overdose.
As morbid as it might seem, if she did die from drugs I hope it was heroin and not crack cocaine.
At least heroin has an historical context, with many black female divas succumbing to that drug before she did.
Crack is so whoreish and dirty and desperate.
Even Amy Winehouse never went near the crack pipe, as far as I can tell.
I'm sad to see that Whitney Houston's vocal abilities left before she did. It will forever mar my memories of her once-legendary talent.
RIP.

Research Study is Published



According to a 40-year study whose findings were recently released by Zipdrive Research Associates, today's marijuana is approximately 60 percent stronger than it was in the 1960s.
Also, it was found that today's names for marijuana have become more descriptive than decades earlier, when brand names like Acapulco Gold and Sin Semilla were about the extent of it.
Now there are brands such as Sweet Tooth, Bungie Jump, White Widow, Catatonic, Bungler, Hungry Horny Hippo (H3), Fat Lip, Who Dat, WTF/OMG, Konk-Out, Foggy Bottom, Barry White, Chillax, Hard-to-Text, Sleepyhead, GoofyMax, Pizzarun, Bong-O, Big Butt, Biscuits, The Zone, Woodpecker, Pointyhead, DingDong, and many others.
Rolling paper technology also has diversified over the years, with a special emphasis on healthier lifestyles. While older brands such as ZigZag and Ritla are still on the market, now paper-making ingredients might include rice paper, tofu, seaweed, spirulina, wheat, dryer lint, cellulose and papier mache. New sizes also have been introduced, including an 8.5 by 11 inch gargantuan called, "Happy Hour."
Zipdrive Research Associates have estimated that the tetrahydrocannibinol (THC) levels of Sweet Tooth, for example, are said to be
...wait, what?

News You Can Use



If you're ever in a bar making sucker bets, here's one you can win for sure.
Though we all call them a driver's license, in reality it's called a "driver license."
So go out and make that bet, and make it a big one.
You're welcome.

Oh, Hardy Har Har




We get it.
They dress up this weirdo like a drag queen, trowel on the make-up, hammer on the platinum hair helmet and then tell her to flash the most demonic face she can make.
But, damn it, people all over the world are seeing these same creepy photos and they must think the whole nation has gone bat shit crazy.
Isn't there anyone in charge at Camp Newt who can pull her aside and tell her to knock off the lunatic hijinx?
It's embarrassing.