Those Damn Baby Pictures
If Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie really want to change someone's life, they should get a good camera and let some Namibian woman take the world's first photos of the baby.
Then hire her an agent to negotiate the price.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Monday, May 29, 2006
Saturday, May 27, 2006
Bush’s Personal Aide To Enroll at Business School
Gottesman, college dropout and former beau to Bush daughter, to begin in the fall
Published On Monday, May 22, 2006 2:12 AM
By PARAS D. BHAYANI
Harvard Crimson Staff Writer
A 26-year-old college dropout who carries President Bush’s breath mints and makes him peanut butter-and-jelly sandwiches will follow in his boss’s footsteps this fall when he enrolls at Harvard Business School (HBS).
Though it is rare for HBS—or any other professional or graduate school—to admit a student who does not have an undergraduate degree, admissions officers made an exception for Blake Gottesman, who for four years has served as special assistant and personal aide to Bush.
Gottesman, a Texas native who attended Claremont-McKenna College in California for one year, has long had ties to the Bush family. He dated the president’s daughter, Jenna Bush, nearly ten years ago when he attended St. Andrew’s Episcopal School of Austin.
After completing his freshman year at Claremont in 1999, he left to join the Bush presidential campaign and later served as a junior aide to former White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card. In February 2002, he became the president’s personal assistant.
In his current role, Gottesman performs a wide range of duties, from dog-sitting the president’s Scottish terriers, Barney and Miss Beazley, to carrying the president’s speeches and giving him the “two-minute warning” before a speech begins.
Gottesman has declined all requests for comment on his business school admission, but White House staffers have described him as loyal, warm, and fun-loving.
“He is a friend and adviser to every employee of the White House, from career maintenance workers to cabinet secretaries,” Deputy Chief of Staff Joe Hagin told The Myrtle Beach Sun News. “He is consistently kind and warm and generous with his time and provides extraordinarily good advice.”
Gottesman has likened his role at the White House to that of Charlie Young on the NBC television program “The West Wing.” When asked about his similarity to Young in an interactive question-and-answer session on the White House’s Web site, Gottesman wrote, “Charlie seems to be smarter, funnier, and better-looking. But, from what I remember—our jobs are probably pretty similar.”
HBS spokesman James E. Aisner ’68 explained the decision to accept Gottesman, even though he is not a college graduate, by telling The Economist that “extraordinary circumstances will sometimes compel it to drop [its] rule” of only admitting students who hold bachelor's degrees.
He refused to comment specifically on Gottesman, citing Harvard’s policy of not commenting on the admission of any individual student.
Aisner also pointed out to The Economist that Harvard would surely admit applicants like Bill Gates and Michael Dell, both of whom are college dropouts.
But the often-snarky British weekly noted: “Needless to say, holding the president’s hand-sanitizer is a far cry from heading a Fortune 500 company.”
—Staff writer Paras D. Bhayani can be reached at pbhayani@fas.harvard.edu.
Gottesman, college dropout and former beau to Bush daughter, to begin in the fall
Published On Monday, May 22, 2006 2:12 AM
By PARAS D. BHAYANI
Harvard Crimson Staff Writer
A 26-year-old college dropout who carries President Bush’s breath mints and makes him peanut butter-and-jelly sandwiches will follow in his boss’s footsteps this fall when he enrolls at Harvard Business School (HBS).
Though it is rare for HBS—or any other professional or graduate school—to admit a student who does not have an undergraduate degree, admissions officers made an exception for Blake Gottesman, who for four years has served as special assistant and personal aide to Bush.
Gottesman, a Texas native who attended Claremont-McKenna College in California for one year, has long had ties to the Bush family. He dated the president’s daughter, Jenna Bush, nearly ten years ago when he attended St. Andrew’s Episcopal School of Austin.
After completing his freshman year at Claremont in 1999, he left to join the Bush presidential campaign and later served as a junior aide to former White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card. In February 2002, he became the president’s personal assistant.
In his current role, Gottesman performs a wide range of duties, from dog-sitting the president’s Scottish terriers, Barney and Miss Beazley, to carrying the president’s speeches and giving him the “two-minute warning” before a speech begins.
Gottesman has declined all requests for comment on his business school admission, but White House staffers have described him as loyal, warm, and fun-loving.
“He is a friend and adviser to every employee of the White House, from career maintenance workers to cabinet secretaries,” Deputy Chief of Staff Joe Hagin told The Myrtle Beach Sun News. “He is consistently kind and warm and generous with his time and provides extraordinarily good advice.”
Gottesman has likened his role at the White House to that of Charlie Young on the NBC television program “The West Wing.” When asked about his similarity to Young in an interactive question-and-answer session on the White House’s Web site, Gottesman wrote, “Charlie seems to be smarter, funnier, and better-looking. But, from what I remember—our jobs are probably pretty similar.”
HBS spokesman James E. Aisner ’68 explained the decision to accept Gottesman, even though he is not a college graduate, by telling The Economist that “extraordinary circumstances will sometimes compel it to drop [its] rule” of only admitting students who hold bachelor's degrees.
He refused to comment specifically on Gottesman, citing Harvard’s policy of not commenting on the admission of any individual student.
Aisner also pointed out to The Economist that Harvard would surely admit applicants like Bill Gates and Michael Dell, both of whom are college dropouts.
But the often-snarky British weekly noted: “Needless to say, holding the president’s hand-sanitizer is a far cry from heading a Fortune 500 company.”
—Staff writer Paras D. Bhayani can be reached at pbhayani@fas.harvard.edu.
Friday, May 26, 2006
Bye Bye, Kenny Boy
"The jury has spoken and they have sent an unmistakable message to boardrooms across the country that you can't lie to shareholders, you can't put yourself in front of your employees' interests, and no matter how rich and powerful you are you have to play by the rules."
- SEAN M. BERKOWITZ, the director of the Justice Department's Enron Task Force.
"The jury has spoken and they have sent an unmistakable message to boardrooms across the country that you can't lie to shareholders, you can't put yourself in front of your employees' interests, and no matter how rich and powerful you are you have to play by the rules."
- SEAN M. BERKOWITZ, the director of the Justice Department's Enron Task Force.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
They Don't Seem to Like It When They're Bent Over
Regardless of the apparent guilt of Congress Rep. William Jefferson, when the FBI swept into his office in the dead of night and tore up the joint looking for evidence, his colleagues in the Congress balked.
Suddenly, privacy has become an issue for Congress.
Yes, they can sleep through illegal wire taps and various other invasive actions foisted upon the American public, but now that Bush's fascist demand for power has entered their offices, they are complaining.
Well, they can suck it up like the rest of us.
When they allowed Bush to sidestep laws and make a record number of signing statements on bills that basically say Bush isn't obligated to follow any of them- this is what they get.
Bush has never vetoed a bill because he doesn't care what the bills contain. He does whatever he wants, and Congress has helped him achieve that level of arrogance.
The Congress and the Senate have been incredibly naive to think that Bush's goon squad wouldn't eventually get to them.
Now that he has-- sic semper tyrannis, MoFo's.
Regardless of the apparent guilt of Congress Rep. William Jefferson, when the FBI swept into his office in the dead of night and tore up the joint looking for evidence, his colleagues in the Congress balked.
Suddenly, privacy has become an issue for Congress.
Yes, they can sleep through illegal wire taps and various other invasive actions foisted upon the American public, but now that Bush's fascist demand for power has entered their offices, they are complaining.
Well, they can suck it up like the rest of us.
When they allowed Bush to sidestep laws and make a record number of signing statements on bills that basically say Bush isn't obligated to follow any of them- this is what they get.
Bush has never vetoed a bill because he doesn't care what the bills contain. He does whatever he wants, and Congress has helped him achieve that level of arrogance.
The Congress and the Senate have been incredibly naive to think that Bush's goon squad wouldn't eventually get to them.
Now that he has-- sic semper tyrannis, MoFo's.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Can Things Get Any Worse?
by Molly Ivins
AUSTIN, Texas—Looking at the wreckage of the Bush administration leaves one with the depressed query, “Now what?” The only help to the country that can come from this ugly and spectacular crackup is, in theory, things can’t get worse. This administration is so discredited it cannot talk the country into an unnecessary war with Iran as it did with Iraq. In theory, spending is so out of control it cannot cut taxes for the rich again; the fiscal irresponsibility of the Bushies is already among its lasting legacies.
As we all know, things can always get worse, and often do. I rather think it’s going to be up to the Democrats to hold the metaphoric hands of this crippled administration until it limps off stage. The Republican National Committee has a new scare tactic for the faithful: You must give to the party, or else the Democrats will spend the next two years investigating the administration (horror of horrors). Those who recall the insanely trivial investigations of the Clinton years may indeed regard this as the ultimate waste of time and money (as even Ken Starr concluded, there never was anything to Whitewater), but in fact it could be a therapeutic use of the next biennium. In fact, the offenses are not comparable.
Suppose we really did stop to investigate why and how and who is responsible for the lies, the deformed policies and the inability to govern in this administration. There is a wealth of lessons to be learned about the dangers of ideological delusion and of contempt for governance.
Trouble is, the world is not apt to hold still for two years. It seems to me pointless to impeach Bush. In the first place, the Republicans so trivialized impeachment into partisan piffle it would look like little more than payback. In the second place, I believe Dick Cheney is seriously off the rails, apparently deeply paranoid—let’s not put him in charge. The minimum we should expect of Bush in return for dropping any impeachment attempt (or not) is that he cease breaking the law. Despite the opinions of Dick Cheney, Alberto Gonzales, David Addington, etc., the president of the United States does not have the authority to set aside the law.
(If Bush were impeached, I would use as evidence his astounding statement in March that the matter of getting American troops out of Iraq “will be decided by future presidents and future governments of Iraq.” What a contemptible statement.)
It would be easier to contemplate a two-year holding period if Bush hadn’t already wasted so much time. Of particular note in this department is “the inconvenient truth”—global warming. Wasting eight years in the face of what we already knew when Bush came in is not only insane but also unforgivable. A recent poll showed that the majority of Americans feel the war in Iraq will be the overriding issue of Bush’s presidency. I think that future historians will fixate instead on his global warming record—not only doing nothing to stop it but letting the hole get dug deeper.
Barring emergency, I suspect the wisest thing Democrats can do in the next two years is to begin steadily undoing what Bush hath wrought—on tax and spending, on global warming, and on surveillance and other illegal lunges for power. George W. Bush ran in 2000 as a moderate. He did not bother to inform us at the time that he felt the government of this country needed a much stronger executive, one above the law. Congress has sat by passively while this administration accrued more and more power. If members of Congress think the legislative branch should be equal, it’s time for them to stir their stumps.
Am I jumping to conclusions? Can Karl Rove yet steer his party away from electoral disaster in the fall? I learned long ago never to call elections further out than six weeks, and normally I stick to that rule. But I do not think George W. can be put together again, so Rove’s only option is to go negative against the Democrats—no surprise there. At this point, the Republicans could attack Democrats on almost anything, but that would leave the large question, “Compared to what?” And, we must watch out for those voting machines.
It would be interesting to see an election in which Bush is not a factor and the whole fight is over what Tom DeLay and the K Street Project have made of the Congress. If ever a gang of corrupt jerks deserved to be held accountable, this one does.
by Molly Ivins
AUSTIN, Texas—Looking at the wreckage of the Bush administration leaves one with the depressed query, “Now what?” The only help to the country that can come from this ugly and spectacular crackup is, in theory, things can’t get worse. This administration is so discredited it cannot talk the country into an unnecessary war with Iran as it did with Iraq. In theory, spending is so out of control it cannot cut taxes for the rich again; the fiscal irresponsibility of the Bushies is already among its lasting legacies.
As we all know, things can always get worse, and often do. I rather think it’s going to be up to the Democrats to hold the metaphoric hands of this crippled administration until it limps off stage. The Republican National Committee has a new scare tactic for the faithful: You must give to the party, or else the Democrats will spend the next two years investigating the administration (horror of horrors). Those who recall the insanely trivial investigations of the Clinton years may indeed regard this as the ultimate waste of time and money (as even Ken Starr concluded, there never was anything to Whitewater), but in fact it could be a therapeutic use of the next biennium. In fact, the offenses are not comparable.
Suppose we really did stop to investigate why and how and who is responsible for the lies, the deformed policies and the inability to govern in this administration. There is a wealth of lessons to be learned about the dangers of ideological delusion and of contempt for governance.
Trouble is, the world is not apt to hold still for two years. It seems to me pointless to impeach Bush. In the first place, the Republicans so trivialized impeachment into partisan piffle it would look like little more than payback. In the second place, I believe Dick Cheney is seriously off the rails, apparently deeply paranoid—let’s not put him in charge. The minimum we should expect of Bush in return for dropping any impeachment attempt (or not) is that he cease breaking the law. Despite the opinions of Dick Cheney, Alberto Gonzales, David Addington, etc., the president of the United States does not have the authority to set aside the law.
(If Bush were impeached, I would use as evidence his astounding statement in March that the matter of getting American troops out of Iraq “will be decided by future presidents and future governments of Iraq.” What a contemptible statement.)
It would be easier to contemplate a two-year holding period if Bush hadn’t already wasted so much time. Of particular note in this department is “the inconvenient truth”—global warming. Wasting eight years in the face of what we already knew when Bush came in is not only insane but also unforgivable. A recent poll showed that the majority of Americans feel the war in Iraq will be the overriding issue of Bush’s presidency. I think that future historians will fixate instead on his global warming record—not only doing nothing to stop it but letting the hole get dug deeper.
Barring emergency, I suspect the wisest thing Democrats can do in the next two years is to begin steadily undoing what Bush hath wrought—on tax and spending, on global warming, and on surveillance and other illegal lunges for power. George W. Bush ran in 2000 as a moderate. He did not bother to inform us at the time that he felt the government of this country needed a much stronger executive, one above the law. Congress has sat by passively while this administration accrued more and more power. If members of Congress think the legislative branch should be equal, it’s time for them to stir their stumps.
Am I jumping to conclusions? Can Karl Rove yet steer his party away from electoral disaster in the fall? I learned long ago never to call elections further out than six weeks, and normally I stick to that rule. But I do not think George W. can be put together again, so Rove’s only option is to go negative against the Democrats—no surprise there. At this point, the Republicans could attack Democrats on almost anything, but that would leave the large question, “Compared to what?” And, we must watch out for those voting machines.
It would be interesting to see an election in which Bush is not a factor and the whole fight is over what Tom DeLay and the K Street Project have made of the Congress. If ever a gang of corrupt jerks deserved to be held accountable, this one does.
Monday, May 22, 2006
My One Annual Sports Blog
Sigh.
The reigning world champion San Antonio Spurs lost to the Dallas Mavericks tonight in overtime, giving the Mavs their second round win in the NBA semi finals.
It seems their coach, Avery Johnson, took everything he learned as a player under Spurs coach Greg Popovich and applied it to his coaching debut. He won Coach of the Year based on what Pop taught him.
Once called, "The Little General" while he was a Spurs player, in San Antonio he's now called, "the Little Traitor."
He's a great coach, the little gator-mouthed bastard. He's also one of the few black coaches in the NBA, which is insane considering the sport is dominated by superb black players, and almost always has been.
Dallas will face whomever wins between the LA Clippers and the Phoenix Suns.
The Clippers are owned by the cheapest bastard in NBA history. I'm amazed they could put together a winning team with the low salaries he pays the players. That's to their credit.
Had the Spurs won this round, I'd have rooted for the Clippers because we would have beaten them senseless.
But now that it's Dallas going into the third and final round of the Western Conference, I hope the Suns beat the Clippers like rented mules.
The Suns are mean little devils, fronted by that goofy looking little Canadian hoser Steve Nash. He's an amazing player, considering he's tiny and white.
But even as the season ends for my beloved Spurs, there is a silver lining to this years NBA finals:
The loathsome L.A. Lakers lost early in the semis.
Kobe Bryant, my ass. He's no Michael Jordan, and he never will be.
Sigh.
The reigning world champion San Antonio Spurs lost to the Dallas Mavericks tonight in overtime, giving the Mavs their second round win in the NBA semi finals.
It seems their coach, Avery Johnson, took everything he learned as a player under Spurs coach Greg Popovich and applied it to his coaching debut. He won Coach of the Year based on what Pop taught him.
Once called, "The Little General" while he was a Spurs player, in San Antonio he's now called, "the Little Traitor."
He's a great coach, the little gator-mouthed bastard. He's also one of the few black coaches in the NBA, which is insane considering the sport is dominated by superb black players, and almost always has been.
Dallas will face whomever wins between the LA Clippers and the Phoenix Suns.
The Clippers are owned by the cheapest bastard in NBA history. I'm amazed they could put together a winning team with the low salaries he pays the players. That's to their credit.
Had the Spurs won this round, I'd have rooted for the Clippers because we would have beaten them senseless.
But now that it's Dallas going into the third and final round of the Western Conference, I hope the Suns beat the Clippers like rented mules.
The Suns are mean little devils, fronted by that goofy looking little Canadian hoser Steve Nash. He's an amazing player, considering he's tiny and white.
But even as the season ends for my beloved Spurs, there is a silver lining to this years NBA finals:
The loathsome L.A. Lakers lost early in the semis.
Kobe Bryant, my ass. He's no Michael Jordan, and he never will be.
Same Goes for Bad Democrats
The FBI revealed Sunday that Rep. William Jefferson (D-LA), under investigation for bribery, was videotaped accepting $100,000 in $100 bills from an FBI informant whose conversations with the lawmaker also were recorded. Agents later found the cash hidden in his freezer, according to a court document released Sunday.
Acting like a Republican is as bad as being a Republican. As such, Jefferson deserves to have the book thrown at him, lose his job and his liberty if he's found guilty of what he was alleged to have done on video and during taped conversations.
If we Democrats are attempting to speak from the moral highground, those among us who poison the party with dishonesty and graft deserve the same treatment as crooked Republican legislators, including dismissal, trial and if convicted, punishment commensurate with the crimes they committed.
In short, screw you, Jefferson. If you're as guilty as you seem, you're on your own.
Bend over, MoFo.
The FBI revealed Sunday that Rep. William Jefferson (D-LA), under investigation for bribery, was videotaped accepting $100,000 in $100 bills from an FBI informant whose conversations with the lawmaker also were recorded. Agents later found the cash hidden in his freezer, according to a court document released Sunday.
Acting like a Republican is as bad as being a Republican. As such, Jefferson deserves to have the book thrown at him, lose his job and his liberty if he's found guilty of what he was alleged to have done on video and during taped conversations.
If we Democrats are attempting to speak from the moral highground, those among us who poison the party with dishonesty and graft deserve the same treatment as crooked Republican legislators, including dismissal, trial and if convicted, punishment commensurate with the crimes they committed.
In short, screw you, Jefferson. If you're as guilty as you seem, you're on your own.
Bend over, MoFo.
Baghdad ER
I saw most of the HBO documentary "Baghdad ER" last night and was devastated by the view I saw of the war from the military medical community's perspective.
Please find a way to see this movie.
Anyone with half a heart will want to see this senseless war end immediately after seeing our military troops suffering the grotesque violence Bush's actions have caused.
Have you seen it?
Tell us about what you saw.
I saw most of the HBO documentary "Baghdad ER" last night and was devastated by the view I saw of the war from the military medical community's perspective.
Please find a way to see this movie.
Anyone with half a heart will want to see this senseless war end immediately after seeing our military troops suffering the grotesque violence Bush's actions have caused.
Have you seen it?
Tell us about what you saw.
Friday, May 19, 2006
Thursday, May 18, 2006
How I'd Love to Attend a Whitehouse Press Corps Briefing
I found the perfect accessory to take along.
It's called Liquid Ass*, an authentic butt-crack scent that's guaranteed to leave any room, person, briefcase or microphone smell like dirty ass.
Hurry and get yours today! http://liquidass.com/
*thanks, Katie
I found the perfect accessory to take along.
It's called Liquid Ass*, an authentic butt-crack scent that's guaranteed to leave any room, person, briefcase or microphone smell like dirty ass.
Hurry and get yours today! http://liquidass.com/
*thanks, Katie
Top Chef Finals
If you haven't been watching Bravo's Top Chef, you've missed out on an incredibly exciting show, and you've lost a big hunk of gay street cred.
The final episode is next Wednesday night- you still have time to savor the final droplets.
The second to the last episode was last night.
Well, of course they kept Tiffany because she is a great cook, plus she's a redheaded bitchy diva butch lesbian, and that kind of dramatic combo in one person runs few and far between on TV.
Harold also is a great cook, plus he's handsome and proud, but humble. Best of all, we kind of know he's gay but he's avoided confirming it so we have that element of nagging curiosity.
He looks straight because he totally lacks even the slightest twinge of swishiness...yet he's got that je nais sais quoi that just stage whispers 'hot gay man.'
Eliminated Dave, the Richard Simmons-meets-Paul Lynde of the group had to go. He's just too frantic in the kitchen and he forgets things --like preparing the third item on the menu for the Cirque de Soleil acrobats to judge.
I think Harold will win, but I think Tiffany will be offered a guest chef role on The L Word, develop an Etheridge-esque lesbian following, then find her place in the world as the Top Chef for Olivia Cruises.
Harold will take the $100,000 winnings, open a wildly successful restaurant in Manhattan and become a multimillionaire very quickly. Once he's made his first $10 million, he'll finally mention Arthur, his long-term partner who abhors the spotlight and prefers to tend to his orchids and read important books.
If you haven't been watching Bravo's Top Chef, you've missed out on an incredibly exciting show, and you've lost a big hunk of gay street cred.
The final episode is next Wednesday night- you still have time to savor the final droplets.
The second to the last episode was last night.
Well, of course they kept Tiffany because she is a great cook, plus she's a redheaded bitchy diva butch lesbian, and that kind of dramatic combo in one person runs few and far between on TV.
Harold also is a great cook, plus he's handsome and proud, but humble. Best of all, we kind of know he's gay but he's avoided confirming it so we have that element of nagging curiosity.
He looks straight because he totally lacks even the slightest twinge of swishiness...yet he's got that je nais sais quoi that just stage whispers 'hot gay man.'
Eliminated Dave, the Richard Simmons-meets-Paul Lynde of the group had to go. He's just too frantic in the kitchen and he forgets things --like preparing the third item on the menu for the Cirque de Soleil acrobats to judge.
I think Harold will win, but I think Tiffany will be offered a guest chef role on The L Word, develop an Etheridge-esque lesbian following, then find her place in the world as the Top Chef for Olivia Cruises.
Harold will take the $100,000 winnings, open a wildly successful restaurant in Manhattan and become a multimillionaire very quickly. Once he's made his first $10 million, he'll finally mention Arthur, his long-term partner who abhors the spotlight and prefers to tend to his orchids and read important books.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Another Colossal Bush Boner
Reuters reports that Verizon Communications Inc.and BellSouth, facing consumer lawsuits seeking massive damages, have issued carefully worded denials of a report that they turned over millions of customers' calling records to a U.S. spy agency.
USA Today reported last week that the National Security Agency has had access to records of billions of domestic calls and collected tens of millions of telephone records from data provided by BellSouth, Verizon and AT&T ..."
Aside from the fact than I and millions of other law abiding Americans resent the government illegally spying on domestic phone calls, the act itself is a testament of Bush's stupidity.
If I am a detective collecting clues about potential terrorist activities, if I overcollect data to examine, I have no time to devote to chasing down SUSPICIOUS characters because I am overwhelmed by sifting through billions of useless clues.
A needle is small, but a haystack has a finite number of hay, so if a needle is in there, it can eventually be located.
While BushCo is fanning out into the investigation of billions upon billions of meaningless phone calls in order to track down trends that may lead to terrorism cells in America, meanwhile terrorists are buying disposable cell phones, doing their business in the blink of an eye, then throwing the phones in the nearest body of water.
What's next, draining every body of water in America to locate suspicious cell phones? Well, when you think of it, it's just as stupid as what's already being done.
But at least it's legal.
Reuters reports that Verizon Communications Inc.and BellSouth, facing consumer lawsuits seeking massive damages, have issued carefully worded denials of a report that they turned over millions of customers' calling records to a U.S. spy agency.
USA Today reported last week that the National Security Agency has had access to records of billions of domestic calls and collected tens of millions of telephone records from data provided by BellSouth, Verizon and AT&T ..."
Aside from the fact than I and millions of other law abiding Americans resent the government illegally spying on domestic phone calls, the act itself is a testament of Bush's stupidity.
If I am a detective collecting clues about potential terrorist activities, if I overcollect data to examine, I have no time to devote to chasing down SUSPICIOUS characters because I am overwhelmed by sifting through billions of useless clues.
A needle is small, but a haystack has a finite number of hay, so if a needle is in there, it can eventually be located.
While BushCo is fanning out into the investigation of billions upon billions of meaningless phone calls in order to track down trends that may lead to terrorism cells in America, meanwhile terrorists are buying disposable cell phones, doing their business in the blink of an eye, then throwing the phones in the nearest body of water.
What's next, draining every body of water in America to locate suspicious cell phones? Well, when you think of it, it's just as stupid as what's already being done.
But at least it's legal.
Dear Homophobic, Right-wing Religious Radicals:
Remember when Bush whipped up a frenzy about gay marriage a few years back, wanting to amend the constitution specifically to exclude us from getting married?
It brought you out to the polls, but have you noticed the promised amendment went the way of Lifesaver candy-colored terror alerts?
Next will come the anti gay adoption platform.
Bush and Rove (if he's still at large) will come up with horror stories about gays adopting kids, and you'll all climb back into your Voyagers and Chevrolets and go back to the polls, hoping that your lone vote will help outlaw one more right for gays and lesbians.
Pssst...
Save your gas this time.
Bush won't do anything about gay adoption, except to stir up perverted scenarios designed to titillate your prurient interests.
Like Mary Cheney's book, there might be some buzz at first, but soon people will realize that gay adoption is just another wedge issue that imbeciles will fall for once again.
Please stop falling for games that appeal to your baser instincts.
While BushCo gets you all lathered up about gay adoption, you may not notice it cost you $7 in gas to drive to the polls.
Gays aren't the problem. The Republicans who have dragged us into war, made sweetheart deals with oil companies and drained our treasury are the problem.
Get it?
Remember when Bush whipped up a frenzy about gay marriage a few years back, wanting to amend the constitution specifically to exclude us from getting married?
It brought you out to the polls, but have you noticed the promised amendment went the way of Lifesaver candy-colored terror alerts?
Next will come the anti gay adoption platform.
Bush and Rove (if he's still at large) will come up with horror stories about gays adopting kids, and you'll all climb back into your Voyagers and Chevrolets and go back to the polls, hoping that your lone vote will help outlaw one more right for gays and lesbians.
Pssst...
Save your gas this time.
Bush won't do anything about gay adoption, except to stir up perverted scenarios designed to titillate your prurient interests.
Like Mary Cheney's book, there might be some buzz at first, but soon people will realize that gay adoption is just another wedge issue that imbeciles will fall for once again.
Please stop falling for games that appeal to your baser instincts.
While BushCo gets you all lathered up about gay adoption, you may not notice it cost you $7 in gas to drive to the polls.
Gays aren't the problem. The Republicans who have dragged us into war, made sweetheart deals with oil companies and drained our treasury are the problem.
Get it?
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Bush Better Prepare Himself
Associated Press LAURIE KELLMAN May 16, 2006
"With Nancy Reagan's blessing and in defiance of President Bush's veto threat, Senate Republican leaders are making plans for a vote this summer on a bill to restore federal funding of embryonic stem cell research.
The House passed the measure nearly a year ago with support from 50 Republicans. Supporters contend government funding of the budding science could someday cure diseases suffered by millions of people. Opponents argue that harvesting such stem cells amounts to abortion because an embryo is destroyed in the process..."
Now, I've seen some mean and crazy first ladies before, but none meaner or crazier than Nancy Reagan. Nothing beats a pissed-off Cancer the Crab, and Nancy's the crabbiest.
She reminds me of one of those evil flying monkeys from, "The Wizard of Oz."
With her pushing hard for federal funding for stem cell research, prepare to watch Bush react like a mentally retarded guy with a rabid monkey down his pants. He'll have no answers for Nancy.
By the time she gets through with him, he'll need stem cell research to patch up his Nancy-inflicted closed head injuries.
You go, girl!
Associated Press LAURIE KELLMAN May 16, 2006
"With Nancy Reagan's blessing and in defiance of President Bush's veto threat, Senate Republican leaders are making plans for a vote this summer on a bill to restore federal funding of embryonic stem cell research.
The House passed the measure nearly a year ago with support from 50 Republicans. Supporters contend government funding of the budding science could someday cure diseases suffered by millions of people. Opponents argue that harvesting such stem cells amounts to abortion because an embryo is destroyed in the process..."
Now, I've seen some mean and crazy first ladies before, but none meaner or crazier than Nancy Reagan. Nothing beats a pissed-off Cancer the Crab, and Nancy's the crabbiest.
She reminds me of one of those evil flying monkeys from, "The Wizard of Oz."
With her pushing hard for federal funding for stem cell research, prepare to watch Bush react like a mentally retarded guy with a rabid monkey down his pants. He'll have no answers for Nancy.
By the time she gets through with him, he'll need stem cell research to patch up his Nancy-inflicted closed head injuries.
You go, girl!
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Friday, May 12, 2006
He Can't Even Tell the Truth About a Goddamn Fish
Like everyone in America with an attached brain stem, I rolled my eyes in disgust when I heard that Bush said his fondest memory so far as president was the time he caught a seven and a half pound perch in his private, man-made, pre-stocked lake on his Crawford ranch.
I am not an angler, but my big brother Billy is an avid fisherman whose retirement home is on the banks of Lake Travis so he can indulge in his passion for fishing.
He knows all the species of fish in that lake, including their dispositions, bait appetites and their average size and weight. As a biologist and hydrologist, he takes fishing very seriously.
He catches perch all the time, and they are never larger than a couple of pounds, max.
Bush claims to have caught a seven and a half pound perch in his lake.
After some simple Google research, I learned the largest freshwater perch ever caught were a 4 pound, 3 ounce perch caught in New Jersey in 1865; a 3 pound, 12 ounce perch caught in Michigan in 1947; and a 3 pound, 8 ounce perch caught in New York in 1982.
That means that Bush's fondest memory of being president has not only been something as leisurely as fishing, but that he lied about the size of what he allegedly caught.
It's one thing to lie about WMD's in Iraq.
But to lie about something a second grader could research and verify as a falsehood is just grandiosity run amok.
Ergo, Bush's fondest memory of the his last five years as president of the United States is based on a blatant lie.
What a typical drunk. Lounging around and telling fish stories.
What an asshole.
Like everyone in America with an attached brain stem, I rolled my eyes in disgust when I heard that Bush said his fondest memory so far as president was the time he caught a seven and a half pound perch in his private, man-made, pre-stocked lake on his Crawford ranch.
I am not an angler, but my big brother Billy is an avid fisherman whose retirement home is on the banks of Lake Travis so he can indulge in his passion for fishing.
He knows all the species of fish in that lake, including their dispositions, bait appetites and their average size and weight. As a biologist and hydrologist, he takes fishing very seriously.
He catches perch all the time, and they are never larger than a couple of pounds, max.
Bush claims to have caught a seven and a half pound perch in his lake.
After some simple Google research, I learned the largest freshwater perch ever caught were a 4 pound, 3 ounce perch caught in New Jersey in 1865; a 3 pound, 12 ounce perch caught in Michigan in 1947; and a 3 pound, 8 ounce perch caught in New York in 1982.
That means that Bush's fondest memory of being president has not only been something as leisurely as fishing, but that he lied about the size of what he allegedly caught.
It's one thing to lie about WMD's in Iraq.
But to lie about something a second grader could research and verify as a falsehood is just grandiosity run amok.
Ergo, Bush's fondest memory of the his last five years as president of the United States is based on a blatant lie.
What a typical drunk. Lounging around and telling fish stories.
What an asshole.
Well, Well, Well...
Rove May Get a Cell
It started this evening around 6 p.m. with a message on my cell phone from Left of Center Dusty in California.
It seems, according to Jason Leopold at Truthout.Org, Karl Rove has told Bush he's about to be indicted and that when he is, he'll step down.
I hate these kinds of slow buildups to potential blockbuster news, but Leopold has had a pretty good track record of accuracy in his predictions, so I am in pre-celebratory mode.
How wonderful it is to ponder the prospect of Bush's brain being excised from the West Wing.
I wonder what that might do to Bush's already plummeting polls?
How glorious it is to imagine Rove in prison, getting bent over a bench in the yard and pounded up the ass by a weightlifting brute of a lifer named Hakeem, whose 1970s, politcally motivated conversion to Islam did not include the "no forceable sodomy" rule.
It may be spiritually wrong to wish ill-will upon someone, but Rove is not human enough to be considered a person.
His decades of evil schemes against innocent people have denied him the right to be treated humanely. He deserves everything bad about prison life to happen to him.
Oh sure, the justice system might take forever to try and convict the pink fat bastard, but just the idea of him being too occupied with his defense to stay involved politically is satisfying in and of itself.
After his recent demotion, the GOP Lie Machine said he planned to direct his attention on the upcoming House and Senate races.
How'd you like to be a GOP running for office and get a call from Rove, offering to meet with you at your office to help you plan your race? The Paparazzi would be on them like pimps on a crack whore.
I don't like Bush or Cheney, but if I had to pick between the three, seeing Rove indicted will bring me just as much joy as seeing the other two bums perp walked across the White House lawn.
The wheels have been flying off the Bush wagon all year, but with Rove indicted, the engine just fell out.
After five years of bitching about Rove, the anticipation of vindication is truly a blessed event.
Rove May Get a Cell
It started this evening around 6 p.m. with a message on my cell phone from Left of Center Dusty in California.
It seems, according to Jason Leopold at Truthout.Org, Karl Rove has told Bush he's about to be indicted and that when he is, he'll step down.
I hate these kinds of slow buildups to potential blockbuster news, but Leopold has had a pretty good track record of accuracy in his predictions, so I am in pre-celebratory mode.
How wonderful it is to ponder the prospect of Bush's brain being excised from the West Wing.
I wonder what that might do to Bush's already plummeting polls?
How glorious it is to imagine Rove in prison, getting bent over a bench in the yard and pounded up the ass by a weightlifting brute of a lifer named Hakeem, whose 1970s, politcally motivated conversion to Islam did not include the "no forceable sodomy" rule.
It may be spiritually wrong to wish ill-will upon someone, but Rove is not human enough to be considered a person.
His decades of evil schemes against innocent people have denied him the right to be treated humanely. He deserves everything bad about prison life to happen to him.
Oh sure, the justice system might take forever to try and convict the pink fat bastard, but just the idea of him being too occupied with his defense to stay involved politically is satisfying in and of itself.
After his recent demotion, the GOP Lie Machine said he planned to direct his attention on the upcoming House and Senate races.
How'd you like to be a GOP running for office and get a call from Rove, offering to meet with you at your office to help you plan your race? The Paparazzi would be on them like pimps on a crack whore.
I don't like Bush or Cheney, but if I had to pick between the three, seeing Rove indicted will bring me just as much joy as seeing the other two bums perp walked across the White House lawn.
The wheels have been flying off the Bush wagon all year, but with Rove indicted, the engine just fell out.
After five years of bitching about Rove, the anticipation of vindication is truly a blessed event.
Random Thoughts & Questions
How much lower do you think Bush will fall in the polls? He's now at 29%- a new low.
Why hasn't some fast food joint come out with a sugar-free milkshake? Is it too much to ask?
My friend Elaine came by last night with her dog Diego. My 15-month-old kitten Nick spotted him and actually puffed up to three times his normal size.
The County Tax Assessor raised the value of my house by more than $12,000. I plan to protest in person with a photo array showing just how much they overestimated it. This is one time when Photoshop is worth lots more than just a way to make BushCo look even more evil and stupid.
You know it's time to go to bed when you try to comment on someone's blog and it takes three tries to type in the correct secret code.
I watched American Idol the other night for the first time in years. It's truly a horrible show. I think Paula Abdul has rapid cycling bipolar disorder, and those other two judges are a couple of tools.
My cousin John in Los Angeles called last year, begging me to find seeds for him to plant a chili pequin bush. The chilis are very hot and about the size of a raisin. I bought a few plants, hoping to harvest the chilis, dry them and send him the seeds. Trouble is, I used 20-20-20 plant food on them and the chilis turned out to be the size of smallish jalapenos. I wonder if the seeds will turn out freakishly large chilis when he plants them?
With gas prices so high, local commercials for car dealers have quintupled, especially those dealers specializing in trucks and SUVs. Anyone who'd buy a full size truck or SUV at this point has to be certifiably insane.
Why can't scientists create a breed of cat that never gets bigger than a three-month-old kitten?
I got a combination laser level & stud finder for my birthday. So far, all I've used it for is a totally sensational cat toy.
Mother's Day is Sunday, but my mother is so old her mind is slipping. She thinks I'm her little sister, so I hope the Mother's Day card I got her doesn't confuse her.
I think common ivy could be adapted for use in war. The renegade ivy in my yard could completely ensconce a platoon of tanks in one day.
I wish I liked country music so I could support the Dixie Chicks by buying their CD's. Lead singer Natalie Maines has bigger balls than white trash Toby Keith could ever dream of having. Besides, he looks like the type who'd have incredibly stinky feet.
Some music mogul needs to plan a Woodstock-sized, televised concert that concentrates on condemning the Bush administration and the war. Either that, or someone should produce a "We Are the World" style video with lyrics that skewer the hell out of this bunch of crooks we are stuck with in Washington.
How much lower do you think Bush will fall in the polls? He's now at 29%- a new low.
Why hasn't some fast food joint come out with a sugar-free milkshake? Is it too much to ask?
My friend Elaine came by last night with her dog Diego. My 15-month-old kitten Nick spotted him and actually puffed up to three times his normal size.
The County Tax Assessor raised the value of my house by more than $12,000. I plan to protest in person with a photo array showing just how much they overestimated it. This is one time when Photoshop is worth lots more than just a way to make BushCo look even more evil and stupid.
You know it's time to go to bed when you try to comment on someone's blog and it takes three tries to type in the correct secret code.
I watched American Idol the other night for the first time in years. It's truly a horrible show. I think Paula Abdul has rapid cycling bipolar disorder, and those other two judges are a couple of tools.
My cousin John in Los Angeles called last year, begging me to find seeds for him to plant a chili pequin bush. The chilis are very hot and about the size of a raisin. I bought a few plants, hoping to harvest the chilis, dry them and send him the seeds. Trouble is, I used 20-20-20 plant food on them and the chilis turned out to be the size of smallish jalapenos. I wonder if the seeds will turn out freakishly large chilis when he plants them?
With gas prices so high, local commercials for car dealers have quintupled, especially those dealers specializing in trucks and SUVs. Anyone who'd buy a full size truck or SUV at this point has to be certifiably insane.
Why can't scientists create a breed of cat that never gets bigger than a three-month-old kitten?
I got a combination laser level & stud finder for my birthday. So far, all I've used it for is a totally sensational cat toy.
Mother's Day is Sunday, but my mother is so old her mind is slipping. She thinks I'm her little sister, so I hope the Mother's Day card I got her doesn't confuse her.
I think common ivy could be adapted for use in war. The renegade ivy in my yard could completely ensconce a platoon of tanks in one day.
I wish I liked country music so I could support the Dixie Chicks by buying their CD's. Lead singer Natalie Maines has bigger balls than white trash Toby Keith could ever dream of having. Besides, he looks like the type who'd have incredibly stinky feet.
Some music mogul needs to plan a Woodstock-sized, televised concert that concentrates on condemning the Bush administration and the war. Either that, or someone should produce a "We Are the World" style video with lyrics that skewer the hell out of this bunch of crooks we are stuck with in Washington.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Kinky Friedman presents petitions to get on November ballot
By KELLEY SHANNON
AP Political Writer
AUSTIN — Musician and author Kinky Friedman took his rebel campaign for governor to state authorities Thursday, presenting 169,574 voter signatures he hopes will get him on the November ballot as an independent candidate.
"All I can say is, thank God for bars and dance halls," said Friedman, a self-described humorist who wore his trademark black cowboy hat and chomped a cigar while explaining where many signatures came from.
With Friedman-style fanfare, the candidate and his entourage arrived at the Texas Secretary of State's Office to a cheering throng of volunteers. The campaign's 11 cardboard boxes of petitions were hauled there by the increasingly famous "Gov Bug," a little pink trailer topped by a big black hat.
Perched on the steps of the state agency before entering, Friedman explained that he didn't know the exact number of signatures his volunteers had collected. Then he opened a large envelope that contained the number, to whoops and hollers from supporters.
"This is what democracy is all about," Friedman said, adding that it didn't matter whether a voter signature came from a country club or a homeless shelter.
Independent gubernatorial candidates had to collect 45,540 signatures from registered voters by Thursday's deadline to make it onto the ballot.
Comptroller Carole Keeton Strayhorn, the other major independent in the race, turned in Tuesday what her campaign said were 223,000 registered voter signatures. Her campaign turned in another 5,800 on Thursday, but the Secretary of State's Office said they will not be added to her total.
Asked about Strayhorn gathering more signatures than he did, Friedman quipped, "Of course she got more signatures than we. She had all her ex-husbands sign."
Seriously, though. Friedman said he believes the number of signatures collected by the two campaigns combined represents a large percentage of Texans who aren't happy with the status quo in politics.
Both campaigns acknowledge some signatures could be deemed invalid, but said they expect their candidates to easily make the ballot.
Republican Gov. Rick Perry and Democrat Chris Bell will be on the fall ballot because they won their parties' primaries in March.
The hoopla over the petition deadline amounts to a "nonevent" and shows how important it is for Bell to have his party's nomination, said Bell spokesman Jason Stanford.
"At every stop, he's officially on the ballot," Stanford said, noting that Bell was campaigning in the Rio Grande Valley on Thursday. "It's tremendously difficult and expensive to run as an independent, which is why no one ever does it, and which is why Friedman and Strayhorn are going to lose."
No independent candidate has been elected Texas governor since Sam Houston in 1859.
Strayhorn's son and campaign manager, Brad McClellan, didn't comment directly on Friedman's effort. He portrayed the governor's race as a two-person contest between Strayhorn and Perry.
"Clearly, the people have spoken, and spoken loudly," McClellan said. "Texas voters want to shake Austin up. They want a change in leadership."
Perry's spokesman, Robert Black, took a jab at Strayhorn's campaign for turning in 101 partially filled boxes of petitions.
"Out of the two, Kinky Friedman is the only one who knows how to fill up a box," Black said.
The Secretary of State's Office has said it will take five or six weeks to verify whether Friedman and Strayhorn have enough valid signatures. An outside vendor will input the names into a computer database, then state officials will check the names for validity.
Even though the campaigns said they verified signatures themselves, state officials still have the duty to check the petitions, said Scott Haywood, spokesman for the Texas Secretary of State's Office.
Those who signed the independent candidates' petitions cannot have voted in the Republican or Democratic primaries or runoffs. Voters cannot sign more than one independent petition, or the signature provided second won't be counted.
A cross-check to see whether a voter signed both petitions will be done toward the end of the verification process, Haywood said, and both candidates will learn at the same time whether they made the ballot.
"We'll let them know as soon as we have an answer," he said.
___
Kelley Shannon* has covered politics and government in Austin since 2000.
*She and her husband, Michael Pearson, are both friends of mine.
By KELLEY SHANNON
AP Political Writer
AUSTIN — Musician and author Kinky Friedman took his rebel campaign for governor to state authorities Thursday, presenting 169,574 voter signatures he hopes will get him on the November ballot as an independent candidate.
"All I can say is, thank God for bars and dance halls," said Friedman, a self-described humorist who wore his trademark black cowboy hat and chomped a cigar while explaining where many signatures came from.
With Friedman-style fanfare, the candidate and his entourage arrived at the Texas Secretary of State's Office to a cheering throng of volunteers. The campaign's 11 cardboard boxes of petitions were hauled there by the increasingly famous "Gov Bug," a little pink trailer topped by a big black hat.
Perched on the steps of the state agency before entering, Friedman explained that he didn't know the exact number of signatures his volunteers had collected. Then he opened a large envelope that contained the number, to whoops and hollers from supporters.
"This is what democracy is all about," Friedman said, adding that it didn't matter whether a voter signature came from a country club or a homeless shelter.
Independent gubernatorial candidates had to collect 45,540 signatures from registered voters by Thursday's deadline to make it onto the ballot.
Comptroller Carole Keeton Strayhorn, the other major independent in the race, turned in Tuesday what her campaign said were 223,000 registered voter signatures. Her campaign turned in another 5,800 on Thursday, but the Secretary of State's Office said they will not be added to her total.
Asked about Strayhorn gathering more signatures than he did, Friedman quipped, "Of course she got more signatures than we. She had all her ex-husbands sign."
Seriously, though. Friedman said he believes the number of signatures collected by the two campaigns combined represents a large percentage of Texans who aren't happy with the status quo in politics.
Both campaigns acknowledge some signatures could be deemed invalid, but said they expect their candidates to easily make the ballot.
Republican Gov. Rick Perry and Democrat Chris Bell will be on the fall ballot because they won their parties' primaries in March.
The hoopla over the petition deadline amounts to a "nonevent" and shows how important it is for Bell to have his party's nomination, said Bell spokesman Jason Stanford.
"At every stop, he's officially on the ballot," Stanford said, noting that Bell was campaigning in the Rio Grande Valley on Thursday. "It's tremendously difficult and expensive to run as an independent, which is why no one ever does it, and which is why Friedman and Strayhorn are going to lose."
No independent candidate has been elected Texas governor since Sam Houston in 1859.
Strayhorn's son and campaign manager, Brad McClellan, didn't comment directly on Friedman's effort. He portrayed the governor's race as a two-person contest between Strayhorn and Perry.
"Clearly, the people have spoken, and spoken loudly," McClellan said. "Texas voters want to shake Austin up. They want a change in leadership."
Perry's spokesman, Robert Black, took a jab at Strayhorn's campaign for turning in 101 partially filled boxes of petitions.
"Out of the two, Kinky Friedman is the only one who knows how to fill up a box," Black said.
The Secretary of State's Office has said it will take five or six weeks to verify whether Friedman and Strayhorn have enough valid signatures. An outside vendor will input the names into a computer database, then state officials will check the names for validity.
Even though the campaigns said they verified signatures themselves, state officials still have the duty to check the petitions, said Scott Haywood, spokesman for the Texas Secretary of State's Office.
Those who signed the independent candidates' petitions cannot have voted in the Republican or Democratic primaries or runoffs. Voters cannot sign more than one independent petition, or the signature provided second won't be counted.
A cross-check to see whether a voter signed both petitions will be done toward the end of the verification process, Haywood said, and both candidates will learn at the same time whether they made the ballot.
"We'll let them know as soon as we have an answer," he said.
___
Kelley Shannon* has covered politics and government in Austin since 2000.
*She and her husband, Michael Pearson, are both friends of mine.
Scathing Reviews for Dick's Lil' Tomboy's Book
For an entertaining read, check out http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/141652049X/sr=8-1/qid=1147360523/ref=sr_1_1/102-6349910-4950561?%5Fencoding=UTF8 and read the reviews of Mary Cheney's new booklet.
The few glowing reviews are by people who have only written this one review for Amazon.com- which of course leads one to believe they are just Bush & Dick lemmings doing their Lord's work.
I feel like going to my local Borders, picking up a few copies, then sitting in an alcove and autographing them with things like, "John Kerry can go fuck himself! Thanx for buying my book :) --Mary Cheney."
Former political dissident Abbie Hoffman once wrote a book called, "Steal This Book."
I think Abbie would love the idea of a few of us rebels defacing Mary's piece of crap and ruining the sales value.
Oh well...
At least Mary has finally put a face on butch-on-butch love.
For an entertaining read, check out http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/141652049X/sr=8-1/qid=1147360523/ref=sr_1_1/102-6349910-4950561?%5Fencoding=UTF8 and read the reviews of Mary Cheney's new booklet.
The few glowing reviews are by people who have only written this one review for Amazon.com- which of course leads one to believe they are just Bush & Dick lemmings doing their Lord's work.
I feel like going to my local Borders, picking up a few copies, then sitting in an alcove and autographing them with things like, "John Kerry can go fuck himself! Thanx for buying my book :) --Mary Cheney."
Former political dissident Abbie Hoffman once wrote a book called, "Steal This Book."
I think Abbie would love the idea of a few of us rebels defacing Mary's piece of crap and ruining the sales value.
Oh well...
At least Mary has finally put a face on butch-on-butch love.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Bush Polls Dipping and Britney's Pregnant Again
Stupidity is the theme of this post.
The New York Times reports Bush is slipping further into the cesspool of public opinion:
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/05/10/washington/10poll.html?th&emc=th and Britney Spears has been knocked up again by Kevin Federline, the George W. Bush of music.
We all probably remember the scene in "Fahrenheit 911," where a gum chomping Britney Spears said she thought "we should just trust the president."
Looks like she trusts too many underachieving dimwits.
It's gratifying to know that the lemmings who voted for Bush are starting to realize they squandered their votes on a no-account slacker who trusts his own gut without benefit of historical insight.
The biggest snafus that are influencing Bush's plummeting approval ratings are the fucked up mess in Iraq and the outrageous gas prices that even Hummer drivers are starting to resent.
As a Texan who has observed more pick-up trucks per capita than any city I've ever visited, I am ever amazed by how many used car dealers I see with used pick-up trucks and jumbo SUVs making up the majority of their inventories.
I mean, who among us could afford to gas up a Ford F350 pick-up with a V8 engine?
As for the middle east, my big sister made a wise comment via e-mail. She said Iranians are just now experiencing their first taste of prosperity-- they don't want to be invaded and they are willing to talk.
Will Bush squander the opportunity to maintain the fragile peace with Iran, or will he commit money and troops we don't have on another invasion?
Duh.
Well, all I can say is, I'm covered.
I don't own any Britney Spears music and I've never voted for anyone named Bush.
I find stupidity annoying, and I always have.
Stupidity is the theme of this post.
The New York Times reports Bush is slipping further into the cesspool of public opinion:
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/05/10/washington/10poll.html?th&emc=th and Britney Spears has been knocked up again by Kevin Federline, the George W. Bush of music.
We all probably remember the scene in "Fahrenheit 911," where a gum chomping Britney Spears said she thought "we should just trust the president."
Looks like she trusts too many underachieving dimwits.
It's gratifying to know that the lemmings who voted for Bush are starting to realize they squandered their votes on a no-account slacker who trusts his own gut without benefit of historical insight.
The biggest snafus that are influencing Bush's plummeting approval ratings are the fucked up mess in Iraq and the outrageous gas prices that even Hummer drivers are starting to resent.
As a Texan who has observed more pick-up trucks per capita than any city I've ever visited, I am ever amazed by how many used car dealers I see with used pick-up trucks and jumbo SUVs making up the majority of their inventories.
I mean, who among us could afford to gas up a Ford F350 pick-up with a V8 engine?
As for the middle east, my big sister made a wise comment via e-mail. She said Iranians are just now experiencing their first taste of prosperity-- they don't want to be invaded and they are willing to talk.
Will Bush squander the opportunity to maintain the fragile peace with Iran, or will he commit money and troops we don't have on another invasion?
Duh.
Well, all I can say is, I'm covered.
I don't own any Britney Spears music and I've never voted for anyone named Bush.
I find stupidity annoying, and I always have.
Monday, May 08, 2006
As Clyde Sees It
As you know, I frequently correspond with my political nemesis Clyde, nee Barcodeking.
I just had to share this cultured pearl of wisdom he sent me today:
" It's probably oversimplifying things, but I suspect that the real difference between Republicans and Democrats is that the majority of Republicans probably think that America is by and large a force for good in the world, and a majority of Democrats probably don't."
How would YOU respond to that?
As you know, I frequently correspond with my political nemesis Clyde, nee Barcodeking.
I just had to share this cultured pearl of wisdom he sent me today:
" It's probably oversimplifying things, but I suspect that the real difference between Republicans and Democrats is that the majority of Republicans probably think that America is by and large a force for good in the world, and a majority of Democrats probably don't."
How would YOU respond to that?
Saturday, May 06, 2006
CIA Director Quits?
Last night on Bill Mahar, he mentioned an ongoing Watergate party/sex scandal and said that CIA Director Porter Goss quit because he was implicated in the sexual aspects of the ongoing party.
Huh? How did I miss that?
Could it be that the man entrusted with National Security via the Central Intelligence Agency had time to cheat on his wife and romp around with hookers paid by lobbyists?
Man.
Bush really knows how to pick 'em.
Last night on Bill Mahar, he mentioned an ongoing Watergate party/sex scandal and said that CIA Director Porter Goss quit because he was implicated in the sexual aspects of the ongoing party.
Huh? How did I miss that?
Could it be that the man entrusted with National Security via the Central Intelligence Agency had time to cheat on his wife and romp around with hookers paid by lobbyists?
Man.
Bush really knows how to pick 'em.
Friday, May 05, 2006
Ha! Bush Getting it From Both Sides
I heard on NPR today an interview with the head of the Border Militiamen, who was talking about the upcoming protest he and his compatriots are planning soon at Bush's Crawford "ranch."
The guy said Bush was reelected largely because voters expected him to guard the American/Mexican border with a military presence in order to stem the burgeoning tide of illegal immigration.
"He hasn't done what we told him to do, and we're fed-up," the guy said. "So we're gonna go to Crawford and make our voices heard."
Though Bush is not expected to be at his ranch at the time, the militiaman said, "He won't be there, but he'll hear about it."
More than 2,000 militiamen are expected to attend the protest rally in Crawford. These types are not the gentle Cindy Sheehan types of protesters. These are prototypical rednecks whose right to own guns is a sacred principle. I'm sure most of them will be packing heat at the protest.
Gee, I wonder if the Crawford cops will be forcing them to toe the line regarding where they set up and how they behave like they did Sheehan's group? I wonder if they'll be docile and polite about it?
I take a lot of pleasure in knowing that a group of people whose mission and politics are so different from my own have jumped on the anti-Bush bandwagon.
It took a while, but I knew Bush would eventually get around to pissing off everyone in America about one thing or another.
After all, time wounds all heels.
Meanwhile, my mild mannered, barely political brother Billy has designed a fabulous T-shirt with an illustration of the snake that adorns the Mexican flag. The headline in bold red says, "AHORA SI." Though there is no true idiomatic translation, basically it means, "YES, NOW."
He asked if I wanted one.
Hell yes I want one.
As for the latest protesters at the Crawford Ranch, all I can say is, you go, girls.
I heard on NPR today an interview with the head of the Border Militiamen, who was talking about the upcoming protest he and his compatriots are planning soon at Bush's Crawford "ranch."
The guy said Bush was reelected largely because voters expected him to guard the American/Mexican border with a military presence in order to stem the burgeoning tide of illegal immigration.
"He hasn't done what we told him to do, and we're fed-up," the guy said. "So we're gonna go to Crawford and make our voices heard."
Though Bush is not expected to be at his ranch at the time, the militiaman said, "He won't be there, but he'll hear about it."
More than 2,000 militiamen are expected to attend the protest rally in Crawford. These types are not the gentle Cindy Sheehan types of protesters. These are prototypical rednecks whose right to own guns is a sacred principle. I'm sure most of them will be packing heat at the protest.
Gee, I wonder if the Crawford cops will be forcing them to toe the line regarding where they set up and how they behave like they did Sheehan's group? I wonder if they'll be docile and polite about it?
I take a lot of pleasure in knowing that a group of people whose mission and politics are so different from my own have jumped on the anti-Bush bandwagon.
It took a while, but I knew Bush would eventually get around to pissing off everyone in America about one thing or another.
After all, time wounds all heels.
Meanwhile, my mild mannered, barely political brother Billy has designed a fabulous T-shirt with an illustration of the snake that adorns the Mexican flag. The headline in bold red says, "AHORA SI." Though there is no true idiomatic translation, basically it means, "YES, NOW."
He asked if I wanted one.
Hell yes I want one.
As for the latest protesters at the Crawford Ranch, all I can say is, you go, girls.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Mary Mary, Quite Contrary
Big Dick's lesbian daughter Mary Cheney was interviewed by Diane Sawyer on 20/20 Thursday night, promoting her new book, "Now It's My Turn..."
I've scanned a few queer lefty blogs and there's been plenty of venom spewed in her direction, but I mainly feel sorry for her.
She traded being true to herself, her sexual orientation and the concept of basic equal rights for lots of money and family influenced political expedience.
She makes more than $100 grand a year shilling for her daddy.
She cleans up pretty nice. They femmed her up with diamond earrings, a femme hairdo and muted smoky eye shadow. She's definitely do-able, if one could ignore her convoluted politics and worship of the mighty buck.
She's also articulate and poised.
But she didn't say anything that would compel me to read her book.
She dodged the hard questions with the skill of any Republican flack, and of course Diane Sawyer let her slide.
Not to worry, Dick, she didn't rock the GOP boat one iota.
She even said she'd vote for George Bush again--even if her daddy wasn't in the picture. She said Bush "was a good man."
Right.
One of my sisters has a lesbian partner who not long ago ran for judge as a Republican.
She wasn't a Republican, she claimed, but she wanted to defeat the incumbent female Democrat so she ran as a Republican "in name only."
Sorry, but I didn't buy it.
If she had any integrity, she would have taken on the incumbent Democrat and let the fur fly.
She was defeated, so now she works as a criminal defense attorney who represents child molesters, rapists, crack dealers and murderers.
Hey, the money's good. She even has a giant screen TV she got as payment from a crack dealer.
But, like Mary Cheney, she traded her soul when she ran for office as a Republican.
After I learned that little factoid about her, I tried my best to like her for the sake of my sister, but the sad truth is, she lives her life and acts like a Republican.
She's pretentious, she looks down on those who earn less, she is inconsiderate and elitist.
She's even haughty toward my other sister because she practices law that benefits the downtrodden, and as a result, pays less.
Both Mary Cheney and my sister's Republican, pedophile-defending partner have the right to act and believe as they wish. Neither seems to care about the adage, "to thine own self be true."
But I respect neither of them, and have no interest in reading either of their stories.
I know their stories.
They're sellouts.
Big Dick's lesbian daughter Mary Cheney was interviewed by Diane Sawyer on 20/20 Thursday night, promoting her new book, "Now It's My Turn..."
I've scanned a few queer lefty blogs and there's been plenty of venom spewed in her direction, but I mainly feel sorry for her.
She traded being true to herself, her sexual orientation and the concept of basic equal rights for lots of money and family influenced political expedience.
She makes more than $100 grand a year shilling for her daddy.
She cleans up pretty nice. They femmed her up with diamond earrings, a femme hairdo and muted smoky eye shadow. She's definitely do-able, if one could ignore her convoluted politics and worship of the mighty buck.
She's also articulate and poised.
But she didn't say anything that would compel me to read her book.
She dodged the hard questions with the skill of any Republican flack, and of course Diane Sawyer let her slide.
Not to worry, Dick, she didn't rock the GOP boat one iota.
She even said she'd vote for George Bush again--even if her daddy wasn't in the picture. She said Bush "was a good man."
Right.
One of my sisters has a lesbian partner who not long ago ran for judge as a Republican.
She wasn't a Republican, she claimed, but she wanted to defeat the incumbent female Democrat so she ran as a Republican "in name only."
Sorry, but I didn't buy it.
If she had any integrity, she would have taken on the incumbent Democrat and let the fur fly.
She was defeated, so now she works as a criminal defense attorney who represents child molesters, rapists, crack dealers and murderers.
Hey, the money's good. She even has a giant screen TV she got as payment from a crack dealer.
But, like Mary Cheney, she traded her soul when she ran for office as a Republican.
After I learned that little factoid about her, I tried my best to like her for the sake of my sister, but the sad truth is, she lives her life and acts like a Republican.
She's pretentious, she looks down on those who earn less, she is inconsiderate and elitist.
She's even haughty toward my other sister because she practices law that benefits the downtrodden, and as a result, pays less.
Both Mary Cheney and my sister's Republican, pedophile-defending partner have the right to act and believe as they wish. Neither seems to care about the adage, "to thine own self be true."
But I respect neither of them, and have no interest in reading either of their stories.
I know their stories.
They're sellouts.
Senora Flipflop
“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with singing [the national anthem] in Spanish.”
-- First Lady Laura Bush, CNN interview, 5/3/06
VERSUS
“I think it should be sung in English, of course.”
-- Laura Bush, speaking just 25 seconds later in the same interview, 5/3/06
Here's the deal, folks.
With the American Hispanic population growing at a rate that surpasses all other ethnicities, we should be fucking glad some Latino thought enough of America to write a Spanish edition of a national anthem.
I wouldn't care if some Islamic fundamentalist American wrote an American anthem in whatever language he or she speaks, as long as it involves reverence for America and promotes freedom, liberty and all the things we're supposed to stand for.
Hell, I wish some enterprising rapper would write a hiphop version of the national anthem. The NBA could really use a peppier opening song.
“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with singing [the national anthem] in Spanish.”
-- First Lady Laura Bush, CNN interview, 5/3/06
VERSUS
“I think it should be sung in English, of course.”
-- Laura Bush, speaking just 25 seconds later in the same interview, 5/3/06
Here's the deal, folks.
With the American Hispanic population growing at a rate that surpasses all other ethnicities, we should be fucking glad some Latino thought enough of America to write a Spanish edition of a national anthem.
I wouldn't care if some Islamic fundamentalist American wrote an American anthem in whatever language he or she speaks, as long as it involves reverence for America and promotes freedom, liberty and all the things we're supposed to stand for.
Hell, I wish some enterprising rapper would write a hiphop version of the national anthem. The NBA could really use a peppier opening song.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Creepy Celebrity Chat
Father's Day came early to the Late Show with David Letterman, where on Tuesday night new dad Tom Cruise gushed about his new daughter Suri – and his finacée Katie Holmes.
I don't recall Tom Cruise being so gushy. Ever since he jumped up and down on Oprah's couch, he seems to have cracked his public persona and allowed his extraterrestrial true self to emerge.
I used to like him okay as an actor, then I noticed his two front teeth are not centered. That became a visual distraction, which led me to notice he's about as tall as Gary Coleman.
By the time he told Matt Lauer that postpartum depression could be cured by exercise and vitamins, I'd lost all patience with him.
Scientology may think Cruise is a good frontman, but he is to Scientology as Osama bin Laden is to Islamism. The Scientologists ought to send out Kirstie Alley on their behalf-- at least she's got a sense of humor.
Seclusion a la Greta Garbo would be my best PR advice for the Cruise family.
Father's Day came early to the Late Show with David Letterman, where on Tuesday night new dad Tom Cruise gushed about his new daughter Suri – and his finacée Katie Holmes.
I don't recall Tom Cruise being so gushy. Ever since he jumped up and down on Oprah's couch, he seems to have cracked his public persona and allowed his extraterrestrial true self to emerge.
I used to like him okay as an actor, then I noticed his two front teeth are not centered. That became a visual distraction, which led me to notice he's about as tall as Gary Coleman.
By the time he told Matt Lauer that postpartum depression could be cured by exercise and vitamins, I'd lost all patience with him.
Scientology may think Cruise is a good frontman, but he is to Scientology as Osama bin Laden is to Islamism. The Scientologists ought to send out Kirstie Alley on their behalf-- at least she's got a sense of humor.
Seclusion a la Greta Garbo would be my best PR advice for the Cruise family.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
No Climate Changes, Not Here
Today San Antonio was 90 degrees, hot and sunny until around 5 when it got cloudy.
By 5:30 it was storming.
Not just storming, it was raining and hailing the size of peanut M&Ms.
Now it's alternating between rain, wind and hail.
Someone tell Al Gore he's right about the planet going screwy.
This is whacked.
Today San Antonio was 90 degrees, hot and sunny until around 5 when it got cloudy.
By 5:30 it was storming.
Not just storming, it was raining and hailing the size of peanut M&Ms.
Now it's alternating between rain, wind and hail.
Someone tell Al Gore he's right about the planet going screwy.
This is whacked.
Monday, May 01, 2006
Stephen Colbert's Remarks at the White House Correspondent's Dinner
or
Colbert Regains His Comedic Edge as He Cornholes Bush
STEPHEN COLBERT: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Before I begin, I've been asked to make an announcement. Whoever parked 14 black bulletproof S.U.V.'s out front, could you please move them? They are blocking in 14 other black bulletproof S.U.V.'s and they need to get out.
Wow. Wow, what an honor. The White House correspondents' dinner. To actually sit here, at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush, to be this close to the man. I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You know what? I'm a pretty sound sleeper -- that may not be enough. Somebody shoot me in the face. Is he really not here tonight? Dammit. The one guy who could have helped.
By the way, before I get started, if anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Somebody from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail. Mark Smith, ladies and gentlemen of the press corps, Madame First Lady, Mr. President, my name is Stephen Colbert and tonight it's my privilege to celebrate this president. We're not so different, he and I. We get it. We're not brainiacs on the nerd patrol. We're not members of the factinista. We go straight from the gut, right sir? That's where the truth lies, right down here in the gut. Do you know you have more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it up. I know some of you are going to say "I did look it up, and that's not true." That's 'cause you looked it up in a book.
Next time, look it up in your gut. I did. My gut tells me that's how our nervous system works. Every night on my show, the Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, OK? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it the "No Fact Zone." Fox News, I hold a copyright on that term.
I'm a simple man with a simple mind. I hold a simple set of beliefs that I live by. Number one, I believe in America. I believe it exists. My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states. And I cannot wait to see how the Washington Post spins that one tomorrow. I believe in democracy. I believe democracy is our greatest export. At least until China figures out a way to stamp it out of plastic for three cents a unit.
In fact, Ambassador Zhou Wenzhong, welcome. Your great country makes our Happy Meals possible. I said it's a celebration. I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.
I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible -- I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical. And though I am a committed Christian, I believe that everyone has the right to their own religion, be you Hindu, Jewish or Muslim. I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.
Ladies and gentlemen, I believe it's yogurt. But I refuse to believe it's not butter. Most of all, I believe in this president.
Now, I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in "reality." And reality has a well-known liberal bias.
So, Mr. President, please, pay no attention to the people that say the glass is half full. 32% means the glass -- it's important to set up your jokes properly, sir. Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash. Okay, look, folks, my point is that I don't believe this is a low point in this presidency. I believe it is just a lull before a comeback.
I mean, it's like the movie "Rocky." All right. The president in this case is Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed is -- everything else in the world. It's the tenth round. He's bloodied. His corner man, Mick, who in this case I guess would be the vice president, he's yelling, "Cut me, Dick, cut me!," and every time he falls everyone says, "Stay down! Stay down!" Does he stay down? No. Like Rocky, he gets back up, and in the end he -- actually, he loses in the first movie.
OK. Doesn't matter. The point is it is the heart-warming story of a man who was repeatedly punched in the face. So don't pay attention to the approval ratings that say 68% of Americans disapprove of the job this man is doing. I ask you this, does that not also logically mean that 68% approve of the job he's not doing? Think about it. I haven't.
I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound -- with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world.
Now, there may be an energy crisis. This president has a very forward-thinking energy policy. Why do you think he's down on the ranch cutting that brush all the time? He's trying to create an alternative energy source. By 2008 we will have a mesquite-powered car!
And I just like the guy. He's a good joe. Obviously loves his wife, calls her his better half. And polls show America agrees. She's a true lady and a wonderful woman. But I just have one beef, ma'am.
I'm sorry, but this reading initiative. I'm sorry, I've never been a fan of books. I don't trust them. They're all fact, no heart. I mean, they're elitist, telling us what is or isn't true, or what did or didn't happen. Who's Britannica to tell me the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American! I'm with the president, let history decide what did or did not happen.
The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs never will. As excited as I am to be here with the president, I am appalled to be surrounded by the liberal media that is destroying America, with the exception of Fox News. Fox News gives you both sides of every story: the president's side, and the vice president's side.
But the rest of you, what are you thinking, reporting on NSA wiretapping or secret prisons in eastern Europe? Those things are secret for a very important reason: they're super-depressing. And if that's your goal, well, misery accomplished. Over the last five years you people were so good -- over tax cuts, WMD intelligence, the effect of global warming. We Americans didn't want to know, and you had the courtesy not to try to find out. Those were good times, as far as we knew.
But, listen, let's review the rules. Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home. Get to know your family again. Make love to your wife. Write that novel you got kicking around in your head. You know, the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration. You know - fiction!
Because really, what incentive do these people have to answer your questions, after all? I mean, nothing satisfies you. Everybody asks for personnel changes. So the White House has personnel changes. Then you write, "Oh, they're just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic." First of all, that is a terrible metaphor. This administration is not sinking. This administration is soaring. If anything, they are rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg!
Now, it's not all bad guys out there. Some are heroes: Christopher Buckley, Jeff Sacks, Ken Burns, Bob Schieffer. They've all been on my show. By the way, Mr. President, thank you for agreeing to be on my show. I was just as shocked as everyone here is, I promise you. How's Tuesday for you? I've got Frank Rich, but we can bump him. And I mean bump him. I know a guy. Say the word.
See who we've got here tonight. General Moseley, Air Force Chief of Staff. General Peter Pace, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. They still support Rumsfeld. Right, you guys aren't retired yet, right? Right, they still support Rumsfeld.
Look, by the way, I've got a theory about how to handle these retired generals causing all this trouble: don't let them retire! Come on, we've got a stop-loss program; let's use it on these guys. I've seen Zinni and that crowd on Wolf Blitzer. If you're strong enough to go on one of those pundit shows, you can stand on a bank of computers and order men into battle. Come on.
Jesse Jackson is here, the Reverend. Haven't heard from the Reverend in a little while. I had him on the show. Very interesting and challenging interview. You can ask him anything, but he's going to say what he wants, at the pace that he wants. It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.
Justice Scalia is here. Welcome, sir. May I be the first to say, you look fantastic. How are you? [After each sentence, Colbert makes a hand gesture, an allusion to Scalia's recent use of an obscene Sicilian hand gesture in speaking to a reporter about Scalia's critics. Scalia is seen laughing hysterically.] Just talking some Sicilian with my paisan.
John McCain is here. John McCain, John McCain, what a maverick! Somebody find out what fork he used on his salad, because I guarantee you it wasn't a salad fork. This guy could have used a spoon! There's no predicting him. By the way, Senator McCain, it's so wonderful to see you coming back into the Republican fold. I have a summer house in South Carolina; look me up when you go to speak at Bob Jones University. So glad you've seen the light, sir.
Mayor Nagin! Mayor Nagin is here from New Orleans, the chocolate city! Yeah, give it up. Mayor Nagin, I'd like to welcome you to Washington, D.C., the chocolate city with a marshmallow center. And a graham cracker crust of corruption. It's a Mallomar, I guess is what I'm describing, a seasonal cookie.
Joe Wilson is here, Joe Wilson right down here in front, the most famous husband since Desi Arnaz. And of course he brought along his lovely wife Valerie Plame. Oh, my god! Oh, what have I said? [looks horrified] I am sorry, Mr. President, I meant to say he brought along his lovely wife Joe Wilson's wife. Patrick Fitzgerald is not here tonight? OK. Dodged a bullet.
And, of course, we can't forget the man of the hour, new press secretary, Tony Snow. Secret Service name, "Snow Job." Toughest job. What a hero! Took the second toughest job in government, next to, of course, the ambassador to Iraq.
Got some big shoes to fill, Tony. Big shoes to fill. Scott McClellan could say nothing like nobody else. McClellan, of course, eager to retire. Really felt like he needed to spend more time with Andrew Card's children. Mr. President, I wish you hadn't made the decision so quickly, sir.
I was vying for the job myself. I think I would have made a fabulous press secretary. I have nothing but contempt for these people. I know how to handle these clowns. In fact, sir, I brought along an audition tape and with your indulgence, I'd like to at least give it a shot. So, ladies and gentlemen, my press conference.
or
Colbert Regains His Comedic Edge as He Cornholes Bush
STEPHEN COLBERT: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Before I begin, I've been asked to make an announcement. Whoever parked 14 black bulletproof S.U.V.'s out front, could you please move them? They are blocking in 14 other black bulletproof S.U.V.'s and they need to get out.
Wow. Wow, what an honor. The White House correspondents' dinner. To actually sit here, at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush, to be this close to the man. I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You know what? I'm a pretty sound sleeper -- that may not be enough. Somebody shoot me in the face. Is he really not here tonight? Dammit. The one guy who could have helped.
By the way, before I get started, if anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Somebody from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail. Mark Smith, ladies and gentlemen of the press corps, Madame First Lady, Mr. President, my name is Stephen Colbert and tonight it's my privilege to celebrate this president. We're not so different, he and I. We get it. We're not brainiacs on the nerd patrol. We're not members of the factinista. We go straight from the gut, right sir? That's where the truth lies, right down here in the gut. Do you know you have more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it up. I know some of you are going to say "I did look it up, and that's not true." That's 'cause you looked it up in a book.
Next time, look it up in your gut. I did. My gut tells me that's how our nervous system works. Every night on my show, the Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, OK? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it the "No Fact Zone." Fox News, I hold a copyright on that term.
I'm a simple man with a simple mind. I hold a simple set of beliefs that I live by. Number one, I believe in America. I believe it exists. My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states. And I cannot wait to see how the Washington Post spins that one tomorrow. I believe in democracy. I believe democracy is our greatest export. At least until China figures out a way to stamp it out of plastic for three cents a unit.
In fact, Ambassador Zhou Wenzhong, welcome. Your great country makes our Happy Meals possible. I said it's a celebration. I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.
I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible -- I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical. And though I am a committed Christian, I believe that everyone has the right to their own religion, be you Hindu, Jewish or Muslim. I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.
Ladies and gentlemen, I believe it's yogurt. But I refuse to believe it's not butter. Most of all, I believe in this president.
Now, I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in "reality." And reality has a well-known liberal bias.
So, Mr. President, please, pay no attention to the people that say the glass is half full. 32% means the glass -- it's important to set up your jokes properly, sir. Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash. Okay, look, folks, my point is that I don't believe this is a low point in this presidency. I believe it is just a lull before a comeback.
I mean, it's like the movie "Rocky." All right. The president in this case is Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed is -- everything else in the world. It's the tenth round. He's bloodied. His corner man, Mick, who in this case I guess would be the vice president, he's yelling, "Cut me, Dick, cut me!," and every time he falls everyone says, "Stay down! Stay down!" Does he stay down? No. Like Rocky, he gets back up, and in the end he -- actually, he loses in the first movie.
OK. Doesn't matter. The point is it is the heart-warming story of a man who was repeatedly punched in the face. So don't pay attention to the approval ratings that say 68% of Americans disapprove of the job this man is doing. I ask you this, does that not also logically mean that 68% approve of the job he's not doing? Think about it. I haven't.
I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound -- with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world.
Now, there may be an energy crisis. This president has a very forward-thinking energy policy. Why do you think he's down on the ranch cutting that brush all the time? He's trying to create an alternative energy source. By 2008 we will have a mesquite-powered car!
And I just like the guy. He's a good joe. Obviously loves his wife, calls her his better half. And polls show America agrees. She's a true lady and a wonderful woman. But I just have one beef, ma'am.
I'm sorry, but this reading initiative. I'm sorry, I've never been a fan of books. I don't trust them. They're all fact, no heart. I mean, they're elitist, telling us what is or isn't true, or what did or didn't happen. Who's Britannica to tell me the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American! I'm with the president, let history decide what did or did not happen.
The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs never will. As excited as I am to be here with the president, I am appalled to be surrounded by the liberal media that is destroying America, with the exception of Fox News. Fox News gives you both sides of every story: the president's side, and the vice president's side.
But the rest of you, what are you thinking, reporting on NSA wiretapping or secret prisons in eastern Europe? Those things are secret for a very important reason: they're super-depressing. And if that's your goal, well, misery accomplished. Over the last five years you people were so good -- over tax cuts, WMD intelligence, the effect of global warming. We Americans didn't want to know, and you had the courtesy not to try to find out. Those were good times, as far as we knew.
But, listen, let's review the rules. Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home. Get to know your family again. Make love to your wife. Write that novel you got kicking around in your head. You know, the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration. You know - fiction!
Because really, what incentive do these people have to answer your questions, after all? I mean, nothing satisfies you. Everybody asks for personnel changes. So the White House has personnel changes. Then you write, "Oh, they're just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic." First of all, that is a terrible metaphor. This administration is not sinking. This administration is soaring. If anything, they are rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg!
Now, it's not all bad guys out there. Some are heroes: Christopher Buckley, Jeff Sacks, Ken Burns, Bob Schieffer. They've all been on my show. By the way, Mr. President, thank you for agreeing to be on my show. I was just as shocked as everyone here is, I promise you. How's Tuesday for you? I've got Frank Rich, but we can bump him. And I mean bump him. I know a guy. Say the word.
See who we've got here tonight. General Moseley, Air Force Chief of Staff. General Peter Pace, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. They still support Rumsfeld. Right, you guys aren't retired yet, right? Right, they still support Rumsfeld.
Look, by the way, I've got a theory about how to handle these retired generals causing all this trouble: don't let them retire! Come on, we've got a stop-loss program; let's use it on these guys. I've seen Zinni and that crowd on Wolf Blitzer. If you're strong enough to go on one of those pundit shows, you can stand on a bank of computers and order men into battle. Come on.
Jesse Jackson is here, the Reverend. Haven't heard from the Reverend in a little while. I had him on the show. Very interesting and challenging interview. You can ask him anything, but he's going to say what he wants, at the pace that he wants. It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.
Justice Scalia is here. Welcome, sir. May I be the first to say, you look fantastic. How are you? [After each sentence, Colbert makes a hand gesture, an allusion to Scalia's recent use of an obscene Sicilian hand gesture in speaking to a reporter about Scalia's critics. Scalia is seen laughing hysterically.] Just talking some Sicilian with my paisan.
John McCain is here. John McCain, John McCain, what a maverick! Somebody find out what fork he used on his salad, because I guarantee you it wasn't a salad fork. This guy could have used a spoon! There's no predicting him. By the way, Senator McCain, it's so wonderful to see you coming back into the Republican fold. I have a summer house in South Carolina; look me up when you go to speak at Bob Jones University. So glad you've seen the light, sir.
Mayor Nagin! Mayor Nagin is here from New Orleans, the chocolate city! Yeah, give it up. Mayor Nagin, I'd like to welcome you to Washington, D.C., the chocolate city with a marshmallow center. And a graham cracker crust of corruption. It's a Mallomar, I guess is what I'm describing, a seasonal cookie.
Joe Wilson is here, Joe Wilson right down here in front, the most famous husband since Desi Arnaz. And of course he brought along his lovely wife Valerie Plame. Oh, my god! Oh, what have I said? [looks horrified] I am sorry, Mr. President, I meant to say he brought along his lovely wife Joe Wilson's wife. Patrick Fitzgerald is not here tonight? OK. Dodged a bullet.
And, of course, we can't forget the man of the hour, new press secretary, Tony Snow. Secret Service name, "Snow Job." Toughest job. What a hero! Took the second toughest job in government, next to, of course, the ambassador to Iraq.
Got some big shoes to fill, Tony. Big shoes to fill. Scott McClellan could say nothing like nobody else. McClellan, of course, eager to retire. Really felt like he needed to spend more time with Andrew Card's children. Mr. President, I wish you hadn't made the decision so quickly, sir.
I was vying for the job myself. I think I would have made a fabulous press secretary. I have nothing but contempt for these people. I know how to handle these clowns. In fact, sir, I brought along an audition tape and with your indulgence, I'd like to at least give it a shot. So, ladies and gentlemen, my press conference.
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