Bush's Fourth of July Speech



Now that he's on a roll writing his own speeches, the crack team of Pulp Friction investigative reporters has obtained a draft of his upcoming fourth of July speech:

My felow Americans:

Today marks the fourth of July, a time in our histery when Americans and foreigners alike celebrate being Americans with fireworks, various meat, potatoe salad, pork n' beans, and the works.
But it is also the fourth of July in Iraq, where our fabulous militerry will join hands with our Iraqi alleys and point there guns at the terrorists in salute to letting freedom reign.
Laura and I will be haveing a fabulous fourth of July with our familys. My mother is making her famous spiked fruit salad, Jenna and Henry will be bring there special brownies, not-Jenna is unable to attend, and Laura will be baking cookies from a recipee that she got from Cindy McCane.
Condi will be here to, but she's just bringing the ice since she doesnt cook. Or maybe the watermelon! HA HA HA!
But lets not forget the real message of the fourth of July. It is when Jesus came back to life to tell President Ben Franklin that America is a For-Jesus country and we should also too be nice to Jews and other foreigners even though they killed Him.
But we also too should be greatfull that the serge is working and only a handfull of Americans is getting killed each day.
In many ways I envy them because being killed during duty is really a fabulous, romantic way to go if you have to.
But really, the fourth of July is not a sad day, for it is a day in which we join the whole wide world in celebrating that America is the best country in the world.
Now let us pray:
Heavenly Jesus, We thank thou for thee bounty that thou hast bestowed on top of us, from sea to shiny sea. We pray that thine will continue to speak to me in my dreams and lead us to victory at any cost in Iran. I mean Iraq.
And we also ask thou to place food and shelter upon our familys and make there pies higher.
Amen

Writing His Own Speeches Now



With his approval ratings circling the drain, George W. Bush has fired all his speech writers and decided from now on to write his own speeches and statements.
The crack investigative team at Pulp Friction has uncovered this draft of an all-purpose speech he intends to give during his international farewell tour.

My felow Americans:

I am visiting (insert there countrys name here) in order to insure my legicy legasy....place in history.
Its real hard hard work to be the presidency as you must of noticed by now.
With my fabulous team of secretarys like Big Time Dick Cheny, Condi Rice-a-Roni, Bobby "get er done" Gates, Mikey Mouthpiece Moocasey, and the fabulous Cherky Chertoff amongst others, we have all endeavored very hardly to provide the upmost servicing of our country.
Sure, we have been throwed alot of hardballs.
But what is important was to have the hand of Jesus Christ whispering in my ear for guidunce from the git go.
I guess history will judge my presidencie because right now most people including your peoples think the jurys are still out regarding my presidencie.
What you dont know is its been hard hard work to get the democrat congress to get along with the programs which I know is best for everyone in our country and the worlds country, too.
We are fighting the terrorists locally and a broad, which includes you. This is not a time for being chicken. We have all the bombs and bullets and fabulous militerry people to back up anything which I say must be done, that of course is told to me by my militerry leaders in the ground.
Thats why I think my predissesser John McCain will be a good stewardess for our future. As a once admiral who was a POW in Korea, he understands the fabulous job it takes to be a militerry and also too the bravry it take's to do it.
And so I tell you all, it is with the upmost important to stay the coarse with your alleys in America. We think your fabulous partners with a really good tasting cuisine to go with it.
And I leave you with this, God Bless America, and while hes at it, God Bless your'e America to.

I Told Ya So



It seems Hillary Clinton has kept her promise to enthusiastically campaign for Barack Obama, yet some of his Claymates still insist on being dicks about her.
"Yeah, she's doing it for political expediency..." ad nauseam.
As I've always said, I much prefer sore losers to sore winners.
Rather than his acolytes saying, "Hillary got 18 million votes; her endorsement is important to our candidate," still there are too many who cannot tamp down their innate hatred for her.
This whole mess has taught me one thing. Racism in America is a tiny fraction of the breadth of misogyny we've witnessed in the last year.
I've heard too many phony women haters say, "I'd vote for a woman to be president, just not THAT woman."
But when I ask which woman they WOULD support, the hemming and hawing begins.

The good part about Obama getting the nomination is that his rabid devotees will soon learn that he is just another pandering politician, like all politicians.
Just recently, he announced that he's for the death penalty.
In the months to come, watch for him to condone lots of other middle-to-rightwing policies so he can get elected.
Hillary did not invent pandering. Pandering is to politicians as ugly sports coats are to television sportscasters.

Obama needs high profile, moderate liberals like Hillary to endorse him.
When she steps forward to campaign for him, I wish his fan club would do me a favor and show a little gratitude.

Maureen Dowd Nails It Again

More Phony Myths
By MAUREEN DOWD
Published: June 25, 2008
New York Times


Karl Rove was impressed with Barack Obama when he first met him. But now he sees him as a “coolly arrogant” elitist.
This was Rove’s take on Obama to Republicans at the Capitol Hill Club Monday, according to Christianne Klein of ABC News:

“Even if you never met him, you know this guy. He’s the guy at the country club with the beautiful date, holding a martini and a cigarette that stands against the wall and makes snide comments about everyone who passes by.”

Actually, that sounds more like W.

The cheap populism is really rich coming from Karl Rove. When was the last time he kicked back with a corncob pipe to watch professional wrestling?

Rove is trying to spin his myths, as he used to do with such devastating effect, but it won’t work this time. The absurd spectacle of rich white conservatives trying to paint Obama as a watercress sandwich with the crust cut off seems ugly and fake.

Obama can be aloof and dismissive at times, and he’s certainly self-regarding, carrying the aura of the Ivy faculty club. But isn’t that better than the aura of the country clubs that tried to keep out blacks? It’s ironic, and maybe inevitable, that the first African-American nominee comes across as a prince of privilege. He is, as Leon Wieseltier of The New Republic wrote, not the seed but the flower of the civil rights movement.

Unlike W., Obama doesn’t have a chip on his shoulder and he doesn’t make a lot of snarky remarks. He tries to stay on a positive keel and see things from the other person’s point of view.

He’s not Richie Rich, saved time and again by Daddy’s influence and Daddy’s friends, the one who got waved into Yale and Harvard and cushy business deals, who drank too much and snickered at the intellectuals and gave them snide nicknames.

Obama is the outsider who never really knew his dad and who grew up in modest circumstances, the kid who had to work hard to charm whites and build a life with blacks and step up to the smarty-pants set.

He might be smoking, but it would be at a cafe, hunched over a New York Times, an Atlantic magazine, his MacBook and some organic fruit-flavored tea, listening to Bob Dylan’s “Blood on the Tracks” on his iPod.

Rove was doing a variation on the old William Buckley line: “I would rather be governed by the first 2,000 names in the Boston telephone book than by the 2,000 members of the Harvard faculty.”

Conservatives love playing this little game, acting as if the “elite” Democratic candidates are not in touch with people like themselves, even though the guys doing the attacking — like Rove, Limbaugh, O’Reilly and Hannity — are wealthy and cosseted.

Haven’t we had enough of this hypocritical comedy of people in the elite disowning their social status for political purposes? The Bushes had to move all the way to Texas from Greenwich to make their blue blood appear more red.

Everyone who ever became president was in the elite one way or another, including Andrew Jackson.

Rove and Co. are nervous because they see that Obama, in rejecting public financing, is not going to be a chump, like some past Democratic candidates.

For some of Obama’s critics, it’s a breathtaking bit of fungible principles, as though Gandhi suddenly donned a Dolce & Gabbana, or Dolce & Mahatma, loincloth.

But even as the Republicans limn him as John Kerry, as someone who is too haughty and too “foreign,” Obama is determined not to repeat what Kerry thinks was a big mistake: not having enough money to compete against the Republicans in 2004.

Charlie Black crassly argued in Fortune that a terrorist attack would “be a big advantage” for John McCain. And what’s scary is, Black is the smartest adviser McCain’s got.

It’s hard to believe that if Americans get attacked after all these years of getting strip-searched at the airport, they’re going to be filled with confidence at the performance of the Republicans on national security. And at least Obama wants to catch Osama and doesn’t think he’s getting his directions on war from “a higher Father.”

Rove’s mythmaking about Obama won’t fly. If he means that Obama has brains, what’s wrong with that? If he means that Obama is successful, what’s wrong with that? If he means that Obama has education and intellectual sophistication, what’s wrong with that?

Many of Obama’s traits are the traits that people in the population aspire to.

It looks as if Rove is on the verge of realizing his dream of creating a permanent position for the Republicans.

Unfortunately for him, it’s in the minority.

pULp CuLtUrE qUiZ!



Here's a little pulp culture quiz I whipped up just for you.
1. Do not Google the answers.
2. Just try your best.
3. Answers can be left in the comments section. No copying!

1. Who is Maddie B. Aldredge?
2. What does Bethenny Frankel do for a living?
3. What color is my car and what is her nickname?
4. Who is Baby Jake and who is his Godfather?
5. What are ras el hanout and sriracha?
6. Who coined the terms "fierce" and "hot trannie mess"?
7. What does Jo Frost do to unruly children?
8. Which of my blogger pals have I ever kissed?
9. Where does Princess Sparkle Pony work?
10. Which politician can't raise his arms to comb his own hair?

Why I Stopped



There was a time, fueled by George W. Bush's favorable approval ratings, when I wrote frequent, impassioned pieces about why he was wrong and why he didn't deserve approval from anyone.
But now I'm like a cat and he's like a dead fish on a pier--not fun to play with once his gills and fins have been ripped off and he's stopped twitching.
My observations of Bush now are so simple, they are almost Zen-like.
Simply put, if he's for it, I am against it.
Because he has yet to make one sound decision, he's therefore proven to be always wrong.
His latest energy plans? Wrong.
His farewell tour of Europe? Wrong.
His bragging that the surge in Iraq is working? Wrong.
Wrong, wrong, wrong.
The only thing that still interests me in the slightest about Bush is trying to decide what proportion of negative character traits make up the man.
Is he stupider than he is mean spirited?
Are his lowbrow tastes trumped by his grandiosity?
Is his incuriosity overshadowed by his banality?
Is his arrogance dwarfed by his social ineptitude?
Did the drugs and booze kill too many brain cells, or was he already just plain dumb?
Or maybe he was just the unfortunate byproduct of two drunks: a black-hearted battle axe and a wimpy, simpering, silver spoon male.
Now that his horrific political career is drawing to a close, how I wish he'd dismiss his handlers, sell the prop-ranch and go back to Connecticut, or Kennebunkport, or wherever isn't Texas.
Let his dumb-ass drill for oil off the coast of the family compound in Maine.
He's not a Texan and never was.

Thanks, Ellen



Last night Ellen DeGeneres won another Emmy for her upbeat talk show "Ellen," and there next to her when the win was announced was her partner Portia deRossi. You can see their reaction in this photo.
I am so glad we have Ellen representing us lesbians in the world today. She's sweet, funny, kind, cute and she (finally) has great taste in women.
I had a long chat with her mom Betty at a Human Rights Gala in Austin a few years back, and it was really nice to see a mom love her kid so much that she actually went on the HRC circuit, advocating for all of us.
Apparently, Ellen and Portia have set a date for their wedding. Justin Timberlake and a zillion other stars are set to sing and/or entertain for the event. I wish I could wangle an invitation, but I'm not holding my breath.
We need more really good lesbians out there representing us.
Rosie O'Donnell's cool, but we all know she has a dark, sort of crazy side.
This season of Top Chef brought us three lesbians: the sweet San Francisco couple Jennifer and Zoi, and the horrible Lisa, whose reptilian countenance at the Judge's Table always made me want to punch her in the neck, then run for my life.
Comedians Sandra Bernhardt, Lea DeLaria and Margaret Cho all scare the hell out of me for various reasons.
Melissa Etheridge, Melissa Ferrick and k.d. lang--not bad but they lack Ellen's charisma.
I adore Lily Tomlin and Jane Wagner, but they are no longer mainstream enough to make much impact. I met them both at Ann Richard's wake and Jane bought me a drink, then they had dinner with big sis and me. Charming ladies.
Jodie Foster would be a sensational lesbian role model if she'd just come out of the closet once and for all.
But Ellen is out.
And happy.
And rich, popular and successful.
Let's take a look at more lesbians who aren't as cool as Ellen:
Joan Armatrading
Chastity Bono
Tracy Chapman
Mary Cheney
Fannie Flagg
Sarah Gilbert
Candace Gingrich
Lesley Gore
Leisha Hailey
Sophie B. Hawkins
Janice Ian
Billie Jean King
Kristy McNichol
Martina Navratilova
Cynthia Nixon
Camille Paglia
Paula Poundstone
Liz Smith
Jackie Warner
See? Nothing to get too excited about when compared to Ellen.

I'm So Bored



After weeks of brain damaging heat and a brief respite of only 93 degrees right now, I am so bored I may have to clean up, shave my legs, exfoliate and becoming charming again so I can go get laid.
Seriously, all I have to do tonight is watch the Daytime Emmys. How dull is that?
Big sis is bored, too. We just talked on the phone for 24 minutes, until we bored each other too much and had to hang up.
Then she was so bored she sent me a website that tells you where you'd end up if you dug from your home through the earth to the other side. Here: http://map.talleye.com/bighole.php

Oh, Hell



I went out at noon to run some errands and it already was in the high 90's. I figured I'd stop at the car wash since I already was out, and by the time I was done drying my car, I was drenched in sweat. Even my khaki shorts were damp, that's how bad it was.
It's been 100 or more degrees all week.
I hate it.
I think my brain is damaged from it.
It makes me antisocial.
I had an appointment to get my hair cut at noon but I cancelled it because I couldn't bear the thought of having hair trimmings down my back on the drive home.
MoveOn.org sent me e-mail about having a bake sale. Are they fucking kidding?
I saw Bush's picture in the paper and I became even angrier than usual, just imagining that reptile longing to be in Crawford, cutting brush in this horrible weather.
I actually had to buy a different brand of deodorant/anti-perspirant today. I'd blown through the old brand, and I can't take sweaty pits.
I'm so glad I don't have a girlfriend right now. The thought of trying to have physical contact, even hugging, in this weather makes me want to puke.
My house is air conditioned, but the idea that it's probably costing me a couple of bucks an hour makes me angry, which just makes me hot.
I'd go swimming, but the sun is so relentlessly bright, I'd get melanoma regardless of what sunscreen I wore.
When I answer the phone, the handset starts getting too hot and makes my ear sweat.
Plus, I'm peeing every 10 minutes because I'm hydrating so much to keep from dying.
Fuck moving to Canada for political reasons--I'm ready to move there just to cool off.
How's your weather?

Okay, I like Her Now



After watching Michelle Obama on The View and seeing her ask each of the panel to give her a fist bump, I decided I like her now.
She's funny, she's 5'11 and she tells cute stories about her little girls.
What's not to like?

Sweet Justice!



Last night in Boston, the Celtics handed the Lakers a 39-point drubbing, not only winning the NBA Championship, but making Kobe Bryant and Phil Jackson look like a couple of baboons.
The Lakers needed some humbling, and who better to do it than first-time champions Coach Doc Rivers, Kevin Garnett, Ray Allen and Paul Pierce?
I have never seen such a deserving team beat such an undeserving team so bad.
Thirty-nine points!
Despite the eye poking, the bogus calls and the Lakers' reputation, the Celtics were like the team of old: full of cooperative, unselfish players who did whatever it took to defend and score.
Unlike the jaded L.A. fans, the Celtics fans stood for nearly the whole game- cheering, singing and applauding their team at every possession, rebound and made shot.
My Spurs may have fallen to the Lakers in the conference finals, but the Celtics were like big brothers who came in and kicked their arrogant, sorry asses.
Hey Kobe! Suck it!

People in Glass Houses...



Today, the Supreme Court will review the current ban on handgun ownership in Washington, DC.
It seems that District of Columbia residents are not allowed to own guns, in order to curtail the high crime rate.
Whitey wants us to ignore that DC is predominately black.
The Supremes have a hell of a decision to make. Should they bow to the pressure of the NRA and allow handgun ownership, or should they protect their own safety as they come and go to work in DC?
Hey, don't get me wrong, I'm all for the gun ban in DC. I think all handguns should be banned throughout America.
You want to own a gun? Fine, buy a rifle. Buy 20 rifles, I don't care.
And Chris Rock was right when he said bullets should cost $5,000 each. That sure would cut down on assholes going on shooting sprees.

Now, I'm not advocating civil disobedience, but get a load of the NRA's headquarters. Sure is a lot of glass in that building. If PETA can throw blood and paint on ladies wearing furs, why can't some gun control fans borrow their cousin Bubba's .357 and shoot out all their windows some night when the building is empty?
Try doing that with a knife.

Michelle Obama May be Uppity but:



Okay, I admit I am computer challenged in terms of remembering how to post hyperlinks. I ask friends several times a year for the formula, then I lose it.
But what I am good at is research and passing along tips sent me by friends and loved ones.
In this case, my big sis sent me this link from the Phoenix News that I guarantee will knock your socks off:
http://www.phoenixnewtimes.com/1994-09-08/news/opiate-for-the-mrs/

***UPDATE***



I'm glad this is not an audio blog because I am hoarse from laughing.
It seems my successor, Millicent Mooman, has been relieved of her duties as editor, so now they've promoted from within.
See, Mr. Schmutz loves to promote low paid employees to management slots so he can save $20,000 or so a year in salary. Ability and experience don't matter; with him it's all about the bottom line.
Enter Shaniqua, the employee who keeps track of committee meetings.
She is hot tempered, pouty and stubborn, even with her good supervisor.
Never mind that she has zero experience in journalism and notoriously bad taste in design(you should see her office decor)the idea of her taking marching orders from the DWiP is hysterical.
They will clash like titans! I give it six months, tops.
This is gonna be great!

Mars? Are You Fucking Kidding Me?



Just to prove John McCain is out of his mind, he said recently that he thinks America should start planning a trip to Mars. He said it would capture America's imagination like the Moon landing did back in 1969.
With the economy in ruins, children going without a proper education, health insurance and sometimes even food, plus a ridiculous war that's costing us more than World War II did--now this imbecile wants to fund a trip to Mars?
Gee, who would profit by taxpayers putting billions into funding a trip to Mars? Yep, it's the aerospace industry-- you know, the same military industrial complex guys who've already made a mint off this fucking war.
I think it's nice of McCain to give us a hint about where he wants to start squandering more of our money. The aerospace lobby must be loading his coffers with payola out the yin-yang.
I'm not against space exploration. I just think of it as a huge luxury that we cannot afford in the slightest at this point in time.
That simpering cretin Bush brought up the Mars idea about six years ago and I ranted about it then, too.
I chalked it up to him being stupid and impractical.
But I guess I expected more from McCain. I guess I mistakenly thought he was more savvy than Bush.
I guessed wrong.
Exploring Mars: just one more reason to vote for Obama.

Why, Why, Why?



I know the Prius is Japanese, but why wasn't this fuel saving technology available decades ago?
I was in Tokyo in 1990, and even then gas was about $2 a liter. I have to wonder why they didn't react to gas prices until we Americans started getting hosed.
I'm not talking about Europe and their tiny clown cars, I'm talking about the world's best auto maker: Japan.
Okay, okay, Mercedes Benz and Porsche are nice cars but I'm talking about cars that most people can actually afford.
Look, we gave the Japanese the mass production technology for automobiles, so as a little thank you, can't they whip up something that runs on water?
I'm disgusted.

YeeHaw! Zipdrive's News Round-up



-Yeah, yeah, Barack Obama got his delegate quota and now he's our man in the race for the presidency. He's got my vote and I hope he can win.
Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton is giving a speech tonight where she'll throw her enthusiastic support behind Obama. Still, much of blogland is lining up to take turns pissing on her grave. Sore losers are bad, but sore winners are even worse so if you're one of the ones who pissed on her grave, I hope some of it splashed on your suede shoes.

-Ed McMahon has been in the news lately bemoaning the fact that the bank is fixin' to foreclose on his $6 million mansion. Is it just me or do others find it in poor taste to take one's financial issues public? Is he hoping some sympathetic millionaire will bail him out? A little dignity would do Ed and his sobbing trophy wife wonders.

-In Hartford, CT an old man was hit by a car as he tried to cross the street. Passing motorists and pedestrians ignored him as he laid crumpled on the street.
I've been to downtown Hartford and I think people avoided getting involved because they all had outstanding warrants. Connecticut may have a reputation for being a state filled with wealthy Martha Stewart types, but Hartford's just another urban ghetto filled with apathetic, hopeless people. Shame on those who did nothing to help that old man.

-Airlines have started charging $15 for even one checked bag, and now I hear at least one plans to start charging passengers by the pound. All it'll take is one fat judge or two fat jurors to make that class action suit pay off like a slot machine.

-With all the crane accidents happening lately in NYC, it's no shock to hear that the city's chief inspector has been arrested and charged with accepting bribes from crane companies. What a prick.

-Unemployment jumped to 5.5 percent last month, the biggest rise in 22 years. Bush is blaming it on all the new high school and college graduates glutting the market.
I'd ask if he's kidding us, but by now I'd be surprised if he said anything that made sense.

-Actress and celestial walk-in Anne Heche has been ordered to pay her ex-husband Coley Laffoon a lump sum of $275,000 and $3,700 a month in child support. Once when Big Sis and I were front row at an Ellen DeGeneres concert, Laffoon tromped on my foot while he was filming the show, so I can vouch for him being a klutz. But Heche is worse, pretending to be gay for publicity, then fucking Ellen's cameraman on the side. Though she described her ex as a deadbeat who watches porn all day, it's no surprise he got custody of the kid. Compared to her, he's the picture of stability.

-With all this celebrity baby news, you'd think conceiving a baby was a lot harder than merely getting drunk on Grey Goose and screwing.

-Can anyone tell me why Secretary of State Condaleezza Rice is still allowed to waste taxpayer money on traveling all over the world and parroting neo-con talking points? Someone from the GAO needs to put a foot down and ground that bitch.

-Having watched both series on Bravo, I can say with certainty that the Real Housewives of New York City kicked the Real Housewives of Orange County's asses.
And Stephanie should win this round of Top Chef.

Add your take on the news in the comments section. ;)

Sticking it to


Walmart is featuring a new TV ad where they offer to cash your tax rebate check for free. They'll even waive the fee of a pre-paid Walmart cash card you can get with your rebate check.
Gee, how generous of them to facilitate turning your rebate check into funds you can immediately squander in their stores, buying cheap Chinese imports.
My friends Susan and Elaine and I pondered this last weekend as we were chowing down on baby back ribs at my house.
We thought it would be a good idea to go to Walmart, cash our checks, then deposit the cash into our savings or checking accounts without spending one red cent at Walmart.
Sure, it won't cost them much more than the time it takes to cash our checks, but it will deprive them of $1,800 cash on-hand and it won't make them any money.
If thousands of us were to do that, I imagine they'll stop using that ploy to lure people into their scummy stores.

Update: The Devil Wears Payless



Anyone who regularly reads Pulp Friction knows about the horrible boss I had on my last job as the editor of a regional magazine.
I have kept in touch with a few of my former co-workers and recently I got an update on the DWiP.
She ended up hiring a new editor in January, a hand-picked acquaintance of hers who was short on experience as a journalist/editor but extremely mousy and malleable--qualities I'm sure the DWiP was seeking after she tried to supervise me.
I'll call this new editor Millicent Moomoo.
Well.
It took the DWiP only four short months to drive Millicent off the deep end. She's currently on six weeks psychiatric disability.
Yes, the bitch actually drove the woman crazy.
The committee that oversees the publication already hates the DWiP because of what she did to me, but now they are out for blood because Millicent apparently told them what a bitch the DWiP was being toward her.
Enter Mr. Schmutz, the hapless wimp CEO who threw me under the bus.
Instead of facing the music and admitting that the DWiP has no business supervising anyone, he's decided to take his ball and go home.
He's stepping down in January.
See, the CEO job for him was sort of a hobby anyway. He'd gotten a golden parachute years earlier when he stepped down from his CEO position at a mid-sized widget company in Chicago. He got bored playing golf and took this job about four years ago.
So now that he's facing the wrath of the Board of Directors, he did what he does best- he's chickening out and running for the exit.
And the best part is, he's planning to recommend the Operations Manager to replace him. She happens to loathe the DWiP and the CFO Bitsy von Schtup, the DWiP's accomplice in making people's lives miserable.
As they say, revenge is a dish best served cold.
And now if I plan to sneak into the company parking lot and slit the DWiP's tires, Millicent Moomoo will catch the blame!