Ask Aunt Karen

Dear Aunt Karen,
People say I am very witty. What things should I say to appear even wittier?
-Witty in Waco

Dear Witty,
It's more what you don't say.
Don't end statements with the phrase, "not so much."
Example: "Beyonce has a great singing voice. Britney, not so much."
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Dear Aunt Karen,
I don't understand women. What do they want?
-Eager Beaver in Oregon

Dear Beaver,
If I knew that, Heidi Klum would ditch Seal and the kids and move in with me.

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Dear Aunt Karen,
What's the difference between a lesbian and a bull dyke?
-Curious in Kansas

Dear Curious,
About 50 pounds and a pair of men's Old Navy khakis.

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Dear Aunt Karen,
How can I determine whether a friend has an alcohol or drug problem?
-Moderate in Modesto

Dear Moderate,
If my friends drink more booze or smoke more pot than I do, they have a problem.