Monday, June 30, 2008

Bush's Fourth of July Speech



Now that he's on a roll writing his own speeches, the crack team of Pulp Friction investigative reporters has obtained a draft of his upcoming fourth of July speech:

My felow Americans:

Today marks the fourth of July, a time in our histery when Americans and foreigners alike celebrate being Americans with fireworks, various meat, potatoe salad, pork n' beans, and the works.
But it is also the fourth of July in Iraq, where our fabulous militerry will join hands with our Iraqi alleys and point there guns at the terrorists in salute to letting freedom reign.
Laura and I will be haveing a fabulous fourth of July with our familys. My mother is making her famous spiked fruit salad, Jenna and Henry will be bring there special brownies, not-Jenna is unable to attend, and Laura will be baking cookies from a recipee that she got from Cindy McCane.
Condi will be here to, but she's just bringing the ice since she doesnt cook. Or maybe the watermelon! HA HA HA!
But lets not forget the real message of the fourth of July. It is when Jesus came back to life to tell President Ben Franklin that America is a For-Jesus country and we should also too be nice to Jews and other foreigners even though they killed Him.
But we also too should be greatfull that the serge is working and only a handfull of Americans is getting killed each day.
In many ways I envy them because being killed during duty is really a fabulous, romantic way to go if you have to.
But really, the fourth of July is not a sad day, for it is a day in which we join the whole wide world in celebrating that America is the best country in the world.
Now let us pray:
Heavenly Jesus, We thank thou for thee bounty that thou hast bestowed on top of us, from sea to shiny sea. We pray that thine will continue to speak to me in my dreams and lead us to victory at any cost in Iran. I mean Iraq.
And we also ask thou to place food and shelter upon our familys and make there pies higher.
Amen

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Writing His Own Speeches Now



With his approval ratings circling the drain, George W. Bush has fired all his speech writers and decided from now on to write his own speeches and statements.
The crack investigative team at Pulp Friction has uncovered this draft of an all-purpose speech he intends to give during his international farewell tour.


My felow Americans:

I am visiting (insert there countrys name here) in order to insure my legicy legasy....place in history.
Its real hard hard work to be the presidency as you must of noticed by now.
With my fabulous team of secretarys like Big Time Dick Cheny, Condi Rice-a-Roni, Bobby "get er done" Gates, Mikey Mouthpiece Moocasey, and the fabulous Cherky Chertoff amongst others, we have all endeavored very hardly to provide the upmost servicing of our country.
Sure, we have been throwed alot of hardballs.
But what is important was to have the hand of Jesus Christ whispering in my ear for guidunce from the git go.
I guess history will judge my presidencie because right now most people including your peoples think the jurys are still out regarding my presidencie.
What you dont know is its been hard hard work to get the democrat congress to get along with the programs which I know is best for everyone in our country and the worlds country, too.
We are fighting the terrorists locally and a broad, which includes you. This is not a time for being chicken. We have all the bombs and bullets and fabulous militerry people to back up anything which I say must be done, that of course is told to me by my militerry leaders in the ground.
Thats why I think my predissesser John McCain will be a good stewardess for our future. As a once admiral who was a POW in Korea, he understands the fabulous job it takes to be a militerry and also too the bravry it take's to do it.
And so I tell you all, it is with the upmost important to stay the coarse with your alleys in America. We think your fabulous partners with a really good tasting cuisine to go with it.
And I leave you with this, God Bless America, and while hes at it, God Bless your'e America to.

Friday, June 27, 2008

I Told Ya So



It seems Hillary Clinton has kept her promise to enthusiastically campaign for Barack Obama, yet some of his Claymates still insist on being dicks about her.
"Yeah, she's doing it for political expediency..." ad nauseam.
As I've always said, I much prefer sore losers to sore winners.
Rather than his acolytes saying, "Hillary got 18 million votes; her endorsement is important to our candidate," still there are too many who cannot tamp down their innate hatred for her.
This whole mess has taught me one thing. Racism in America is a tiny fraction of the breadth of misogyny we've witnessed in the last year.
I've heard too many phony women haters say, "I'd vote for a woman to be president, just not THAT woman."
But when I ask which woman they WOULD support, the hemming and hawing begins.

The good part about Obama getting the nomination is that his rabid devotees will soon learn that he is just another pandering politician, like all politicians.
Just recently, he announced that he's for the death penalty.
In the months to come, watch for him to condone lots of other middle-to-rightwing policies so he can get elected.
Hillary did not invent pandering. Pandering is to politicians as ugly sports coats are to television sportscasters.

Obama needs high profile, moderate liberals like Hillary to endorse him.
When she steps forward to campaign for him, I wish his fan club would do me a favor and show a little gratitude.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Maureen Dowd Nails It Again

More Phony Myths
By MAUREEN DOWD
Published: June 25, 2008
New York Times


Karl Rove was impressed with Barack Obama when he first met him. But now he sees him as a “coolly arrogant” elitist.
This was Rove’s take on Obama to Republicans at the Capitol Hill Club Monday, according to Christianne Klein of ABC News:

“Even if you never met him, you know this guy. He’s the guy at the country club with the beautiful date, holding a martini and a cigarette that stands against the wall and makes snide comments about everyone who passes by.”

Actually, that sounds more like W.

The cheap populism is really rich coming from Karl Rove. When was the last time he kicked back with a corncob pipe to watch professional wrestling?

Rove is trying to spin his myths, as he used to do with such devastating effect, but it won’t work this time. The absurd spectacle of rich white conservatives trying to paint Obama as a watercress sandwich with the crust cut off seems ugly and fake.

Obama can be aloof and dismissive at times, and he’s certainly self-regarding, carrying the aura of the Ivy faculty club. But isn’t that better than the aura of the country clubs that tried to keep out blacks? It’s ironic, and maybe inevitable, that the first African-American nominee comes across as a prince of privilege. He is, as Leon Wieseltier of The New Republic wrote, not the seed but the flower of the civil rights movement.

Unlike W., Obama doesn’t have a chip on his shoulder and he doesn’t make a lot of snarky remarks. He tries to stay on a positive keel and see things from the other person’s point of view.

He’s not Richie Rich, saved time and again by Daddy’s influence and Daddy’s friends, the one who got waved into Yale and Harvard and cushy business deals, who drank too much and snickered at the intellectuals and gave them snide nicknames.

Obama is the outsider who never really knew his dad and who grew up in modest circumstances, the kid who had to work hard to charm whites and build a life with blacks and step up to the smarty-pants set.

He might be smoking, but it would be at a cafe, hunched over a New York Times, an Atlantic magazine, his MacBook and some organic fruit-flavored tea, listening to Bob Dylan’s “Blood on the Tracks” on his iPod.

Rove was doing a variation on the old William Buckley line: “I would rather be governed by the first 2,000 names in the Boston telephone book than by the 2,000 members of the Harvard faculty.”

Conservatives love playing this little game, acting as if the “elite” Democratic candidates are not in touch with people like themselves, even though the guys doing the attacking — like Rove, Limbaugh, O’Reilly and Hannity — are wealthy and cosseted.

Haven’t we had enough of this hypocritical comedy of people in the elite disowning their social status for political purposes? The Bushes had to move all the way to Texas from Greenwich to make their blue blood appear more red.

Everyone who ever became president was in the elite one way or another, including Andrew Jackson.

Rove and Co. are nervous because they see that Obama, in rejecting public financing, is not going to be a chump, like some past Democratic candidates.

For some of Obama’s critics, it’s a breathtaking bit of fungible principles, as though Gandhi suddenly donned a Dolce & Gabbana, or Dolce & Mahatma, loincloth.

But even as the Republicans limn him as John Kerry, as someone who is too haughty and too “foreign,” Obama is determined not to repeat what Kerry thinks was a big mistake: not having enough money to compete against the Republicans in 2004.

Charlie Black crassly argued in Fortune that a terrorist attack would “be a big advantage” for John McCain. And what’s scary is, Black is the smartest adviser McCain’s got.

It’s hard to believe that if Americans get attacked after all these years of getting strip-searched at the airport, they’re going to be filled with confidence at the performance of the Republicans on national security. And at least Obama wants to catch Osama and doesn’t think he’s getting his directions on war from “a higher Father.”

Rove’s mythmaking about Obama won’t fly. If he means that Obama has brains, what’s wrong with that? If he means that Obama is successful, what’s wrong with that? If he means that Obama has education and intellectual sophistication, what’s wrong with that?

Many of Obama’s traits are the traits that people in the population aspire to.

It looks as if Rove is on the verge of realizing his dream of creating a permanent position for the Republicans.

Unfortunately for him, it’s in the minority.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

pULp CuLtUrE qUiZ!



Here's a little pulp culture quiz I whipped up just for you.
1. Do not Google the answers.
2. Just try your best.
3. Answers can be left in the comments section. No copying!

1. Who is Maddie B. Aldredge?
2. What does Bethenny Frankel do for a living?
3. What color is my car and what is her nickname?
4. Who is Baby Jake and who is his Godfather?
5. What are ras el hanout and sriracha?
6. Who coined the terms "fierce" and "hot trannie mess"?
7. What does Jo Frost do to unruly children?
8. Which of my blogger pals have I ever kissed?
9. Where does Princess Sparkle Pony work?
10. Which politician can't raise his arms to comb his own hair?
Why I Stopped



There was a time, fueled by George W. Bush's favorable approval ratings, when I wrote frequent, impassioned pieces about why he was wrong and why he didn't deserve approval from anyone.
But now I'm like a cat and he's like a dead fish on a pier--not fun to play with once his gills and fins have been ripped off and he's stopped twitching.
My observations of Bush now are so simple, they are almost Zen-like.
Simply put, if he's for it, I am against it.
Because he has yet to make one sound decision, he's therefore proven to be always wrong.
His latest energy plans? Wrong.
His farewell tour of Europe? Wrong.
His bragging that the surge in Iraq is working? Wrong.
Wrong, wrong, wrong.
The only thing that still interests me in the slightest about Bush is trying to decide what proportion of negative character traits make up the man.
Is he stupider than he is mean spirited?
Are his lowbrow tastes trumped by his grandiosity?
Is his incuriosity overshadowed by his banality?
Is his arrogance dwarfed by his social ineptitude?
Did the drugs and booze kill too many brain cells, or was he already just plain dumb?
Or maybe he was just the unfortunate byproduct of two drunks: a black-hearted battle axe and a wimpy, simpering, silver spoon male.
Now that his horrific political career is drawing to a close, how I wish he'd dismiss his handlers, sell the prop-ranch and go back to Connecticut, or Kennebunkport, or wherever isn't Texas.
Let his dumb-ass drill for oil off the coast of the family compound in Maine.
He's not a Texan and never was.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Thanks, Ellen



Last night Ellen DeGeneres won another Emmy for her upbeat talk show "Ellen," and there next to her when the win was announced was her partner Portia deRossi. You can see their reaction in this photo.
I am so glad we have Ellen representing us lesbians in the world today. She's sweet, funny, kind, cute and she (finally) has great taste in women.
I had a long chat with her mom Betty at a Human Rights Gala in Austin a few years back, and it was really nice to see a mom love her kid so much that she actually went on the HRC circuit, advocating for all of us.
Apparently, Ellen and Portia have set a date for their wedding. Justin Timberlake and a zillion other stars are set to sing and/or entertain for the event. I wish I could wangle an invitation, but I'm not holding my breath.
We need more really good lesbians out there representing us.
Rosie O'Donnell's cool, but we all know she has a dark, sort of crazy side.
This season of Top Chef brought us three lesbians: the sweet San Francisco couple Jennifer and Zoi, and the horrible Lisa, whose reptilian countenance at the Judge's Table always made me want to punch her in the neck, then run for my life.
Comedians Sandra Bernhardt, Lea DeLaria and Margaret Cho all scare the hell out of me for various reasons.
Melissa Etheridge, Melissa Ferrick and k.d. lang--not bad but they lack Ellen's charisma.
I adore Lily Tomlin and Jane Wagner, but they are no longer mainstream enough to make much impact. I met them both at Ann Richard's wake and Jane bought me a drink, then they had dinner with big sis and me. Charming ladies.
Jodie Foster would be a sensational lesbian role model if she'd just come out of the closet once and for all.
But Ellen is out.
And happy.
And rich, popular and successful.
Let's take a look at more lesbians who aren't as cool as Ellen:
Joan Armatrading
Chastity Bono
Tracy Chapman
Mary Cheney
Fannie Flagg
Sarah Gilbert
Candace Gingrich
Lesley Gore
Leisha Hailey
Sophie B. Hawkins
Janice Ian
Billie Jean King
Kristy McNichol
Martina Navratilova
Cynthia Nixon
Camille Paglia
Paula Poundstone
Liz Smith
Jackie Warner
See? Nothing to get too excited about when compared to Ellen.

Friday, June 20, 2008

I'm So Bored



After weeks of brain damaging heat and a brief respite of only 93 degrees right now, I am so bored I may have to clean up, shave my legs, exfoliate and becoming charming again so I can go get laid.
Seriously, all I have to do tonight is watch the Daytime Emmys. How dull is that?
Big sis is bored, too. We just talked on the phone for 24 minutes, until we bored each other too much and had to hang up.
Then she was so bored she sent me a website that tells you where you'd end up if you dug from your home through the earth to the other side. Here: http://map.talleye.com/bighole.php

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Oh, Hell



I went out at noon to run some errands and it already was in the high 90's. I figured I'd stop at the car wash since I already was out, and by the time I was done drying my car, I was drenched in sweat. Even my khaki shorts were damp, that's how bad it was.
It's been 100 or more degrees all week.
I hate it.
I think my brain is damaged from it.
It makes me antisocial.
I had an appointment to get my hair cut at noon but I cancelled it because I couldn't bear the thought of having hair trimmings down my back on the drive home.
MoveOn.org sent me e-mail about having a bake sale. Are they fucking kidding?
I saw Bush's picture in the paper and I became even angrier than usual, just imagining that reptile longing to be in Crawford, cutting brush in this horrible weather.
I actually had to buy a different brand of deodorant/anti-perspirant today. I'd blown through the old brand, and I can't take sweaty pits.
I'm so glad I don't have a girlfriend right now. The thought of trying to have physical contact, even hugging, in this weather makes me want to puke.
My house is air conditioned, but the idea that it's probably costing me a couple of bucks an hour makes me angry, which just makes me hot.
I'd go swimming, but the sun is so relentlessly bright, I'd get melanoma regardless of what sunscreen I wore.
When I answer the phone, the handset starts getting too hot and makes my ear sweat.
Plus, I'm peeing every 10 minutes because I'm hydrating so much to keep from dying.
Fuck moving to Canada for political reasons--I'm ready to move there just to cool off.
How's your weather?
Okay, I like Her Now



After watching Michelle Obama on The View and seeing her ask each of the panel to give her a fist bump, I decided I like her now.
She's funny, she's 5'11 and she tells cute stories about her little girls.
What's not to like?