Monday, December 13, 2004

Another Lesbian Couple Bites the Dust

It seems Ellen DeGeneris and her gorgeous partner Alexandra Hedison have split up after a four year relationship. I was surprised to learn that. They seemed pretty happy in all the media coverage I've ever seen of them.
Even so, they lasted four years, which is about the equivalent of 10 years in heterosexual relationships.
The average long-term lesbian relationship lasts about three years.
Of the three years, the first six months are typically spent fucking like bunnies, then the remaining two and a half years are spent nurturing each other half to death, finally devolving to a blissful state called, "lesbian bed death."
Symptoms of lesbian bed death include:

• Buying a house together
• Frequent Sundays spent together at the Home Depot
• Buying an SUV to haul Home Depot purchases home
• Significant weight gain in one or both partners
• More than two cats, dogs, or a few of each
• Pets have too many toys, clothing, bedding and baby talky nicknames
• The purchase of an RV or travel trailer
• Large screen TVs and twin Lazy Boy lounge chairs, where they both fall asleep during the
10 o'clock news, right after eating giant bowls of ice cream
• Sweat suits or T-shirts and shorts become the standard uniform
• One or both get into therapy to handle "issues"
• Excess Internet usage for one, while the other stews in the other room
• The purchase of a huge, expensive barbecue grill with all the bells and whistles
• Lots of potluck dinners and barbecue parties on the deck, with guests who stay too long
• One or both get pregnant or have babies
• One returns to school to get her Master's degree
• Beer and/or wine consumption increases noticeably in one or both
• Farting no longer requires an apology, or even an explanation

I have done my share of lesbian cohabitation back in the day, but I haven't lived with anyone since the early 90's.
My earlier track record of having relationships that averaged three years in duration has now been distilled to about six months.
I think I get bored and restless after the bunny stage starts to fade, so I either leave or behave in a manner that inspires them to leave.
Even the idea of lesbian dating is losing its appeal for me, now that I'm single again.
Lesbian dating is a confusing set of rituals that can be quite exhausting.
I mean, honestly, who asks who out? Who drives? Who decides where to go? Who pays? When is the right time for the first kiss, and who should initiate it?
By the time I find someone halfway interesting, then ask everyone I know what they know about her to see if she's nuts or not, then wait around while she screens me, then get up the nerve to call her, I'm already exhausted.
I won't even get into the maze of confusion brought on by initiating sexual contact. By the time it gets to that, then the questions about top or bottom, toys or no toys, orgasmic or not, exclusive or not, that curiosity phase often results in the discovery of an utter lack of sexual compatibility-- after all that labor intensive prep work!
I think I have the solution.
Now that Ellen and Alexandra are single, I'd like for either one of them to contact me so we can hook up. I could do four years with either of them.
Until then, I think I'll just keep myself entertained by continuing to watch Law & Order 20 times a week.
At least with that, I don't have to waste all that energy shaving my legs several times a week.

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